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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, July 2, 2008

June 30th--Going Through the Motions

Argh and Argh! I'm late again. Well don't blame me this time. Mrs. Barbarossa wanted the entire pirate ship cleaned, half the crew executed, and I had to pilot the young scalawags all over the seven continents of the world. But now, alas, the ship is cleaned, the crew disposed of, and the young swabbies are all (thankfully) at their relatives ports and its finally time to riff on DeAnna Pappas and her quest for "True Love". (She loves Graham) Damnit, I'm going to have to watch this the next couple of entries. Mr Subliminal from Saturday Night Live fame has been poking his pointed head into my computer and talking trash of late. We'll just have to ignore him.

This weeks recap actually mentions the Grahamster, (I guess that couldn't really be ignored, could it?) and Deanna decides to damn him with the ultimate curse too! "He's another Brad." Ouch, ewww, argh! That must have really hurt, Dee. You just compared the Grahamster to another folksy, tall, stone-bellied, shadow-faced commitment-phobe who doesn't give a shit about you. (You wouldn't think anyone would need to connect the dots for her now would you?) Man, that's rough. That'll bring that bastard to his knees, I'll tell ya! What she didn't add was "Bastard! How dare you not kiss the ass of your goddess! I'm the fu****g Bachelorette! Hasn't anyone told you!? Didn't Ellen tell you how wonderful I am!?" But I don't know why not. It would have been more honest (and damn funny too). Anyhow, you would think people would be laughing as they watch this farce but a quick check of the posting boards reveals another story. Here's a sample of about ten billion like it I found:

"Good, now Graham is gone it clears the way for Jason and DeAnna to discover true love! Sqeeeeee!"

Jesus Christ, are these women sniffing glue? How out to lunch do you have to be to believe a woman could so demonstrably fall in love with one man and then, two weeks later, get engaged to one she wasn't as fond of and believe its real? Whatever these people on those boards are smoking; I want some.

(She loves Graham)

DeAnna hauls The Three Dwarves to Grand Bahama for three remarkably similar dates. First up Is Jeremy, the candy-assed orphan robot. Ugh. Well at least we can get this one out of the way right away. But before I describe the date I should send out props to the Honda Corporation. Man, those little devils have sure come a long way in robotics haven't they? He sure looks and almost acts lifelike doesn't he? As Dee greets him on the beach I could swear he's a real human being. Regardless, Dee tells us Jeremy is "Perfect! I'd have a perfect life--a perfect marriage." He's toast. We all know perfection and happiness are the last thing Deanna wants in life. Perfect like your Stepford Husband, eh Dee? Anyway, they go jet skiing and WHOA! Did you see that!? He dove in the water!? He's even watertight! More props to Mr. Takimoto. Anyway they go to a sandbar and Jeremy-bot starts acting all timid and frightened.

This turns out to be the prelude for the theme of their date. Jeremy-bot tells her "I would tell you I'm falling in love with you...but it's already happened." Takimoto needs to work on the Jeremy-bot's acting skills if he ever wants to mass market it to the public. A woman would have to falling down drunk to believe that delivery and Dee isn't...yet. She is horny, however, and pulls out the dreaded date card and tells the bot, "We got a card from Chris." Chris? Chris who? Oh, yeah, the wingman actually works on this show doesn't he? Glad the producers have found a useful outlet for his talents: writing smutty sex cards. Anyway, Dee takes the bot upstairs and (presumably) finds out how human/cyborg sexual relations in the coming decades is going to go. From the results, I'd say its back to the old drawing board for that aspect of the creation.

(She loves Graham)

For her second, virtually indistinguishable date, Dee takes Dwarf 2, Jason, the Baby-Daddy, kayaking in that notoriously romantic enclave, a mosquito-infested mangrove swamp. Calm my beating heart. But before they can get there, Jason takes her for a ride in a jeep, and since he nearly crashed and killed them both, Dee starts heavy breathing. "I was glad not to see Jason playing it safe." Yeah, first thing I look for in a mate is their callous disregard for their safety and mine. God, Dee, grow up a little will you? Whatever. They ferry across to an even more mosquito-infested part of the swamp, drench themselves with Deep Woods OFF! and eat. They feed some trained fish and seem to have an almost Ty-free date. They then go kayaking. Well, no, not really. They went canoeing in a kayak. You can't go kayaking in a swamp. And it's clear that neither of them have even been canoeing before either. It looks like a wind sprints at an old folks home. Then on the dinner portion of the date...well they talked and looked fairly normal and only mentioned Jason's son six or a dozen times and then Jason takes Dee upstairs and shows her how he became a baby-daddy. I've been pretty easy on Jason to this point but its no more Mr. Nice Pirate now. Doesn't this guy's smile look creepy? It isn't even a smile--more like a painful grimace--like Dee is grinding her spiked heel into the top of his foot (Knowing her she might be.) The guys on a date and supposed to be falling in love. He shouldn't look like he's making a hostage tape, but with these producers he might be.

(She loves Graham)


Next up is dwarf 3, Jesse, the loaded stonehead. He comes tippy-toeing down the beach on his tiny little feet and Dee also takes him into the surf--except instead of Jet skis they ride horsies. C'mon Fleiss, pump the budget here a little bit! Even that loser Prince Lorenzo got to take his failed dates to different places. You bunked these guys in a shithouse! Surely there's a few bucks left over for something!? Anyway, Dee seems more at ease with 'ol bonghit than she did with either Jason or Jeremy-bot. The beach portion of the date goes pretty well and they show a lot of physical affection. You'd think Dee would be exhausted by now, but evidently not. At dinner Dee finally prods the eternal teenager to talk about "his life after snowboarding." Translation: When are you going to get a real job? Ouch! Right in the 'ol Achilles Heel. Jesse hems and haws about needing to slowly withdraw from snowboarding. Hah-hah. Yeah, this will work out. But Dee's hormones are screaming now so she whips out the 'ol sexcard anyway and probably gets the boning of her life. Hey, eternal teenagers must be good for something.

Rose ceremony time and Dee looks pretty good for a woman whose been having sex with more men than Jenna Jameson and she starts it off with this whopper: "I thought after Graham that I wouldn't fall in love, but I have--with all three of these guys." Yeah, DeAnna the fundamentalist Mormom. Anyway she arrives at the ceremony and the guys are looking dress casual--all except Jason, who is wearing the most hideous beard I have ever seen! I want to attack him with a belt sander! It's not even a beard; its a Graham-disguise and its the worst one I have ever seen. This is a Rose Ceremony, Jason, not Halloween; shave that damn thing off before you frighten your kid! Dee then gives them the standard blather, "My heart is breaking right now!" By my count that's the forty-sixth time in the last eight weeks that DeAnna has gotten a broken heart. It must be in shards by now or maybe even dust. What a steaming load!

(She loves Graham)


Dee: "Jesse will you accept this rose...grow three inches and get a job?"

Stoner: "Uh, uh, yeah, I guess so, Man."

Dee: "Jason, will you accept this rose...grow three inches and shave that hideous creature off your face and swear to god you will never, ever grow it again!"

Jason: "Yes, Mistress!"

Whoops! Somebody hit the meltdown switch on the Jeremy-bot and it starts to sing "If you only had a heart!" No, not really. But it does whine, mewl, and act even more depressed than usual. Dee walks him to the car, manages to work up a crocodile tear and slams the door on Pinocchio. She immediately heads back to her two remaining dwarfs smiling like she just won the lottery and starts hitting the booze. The producers have slipped in a new directive chip and the Jeremy-bot becomes a Pussy-bot! It orders the limo stopped so it can wander around on the grass and act all put out. Meryl Streep has nothing to fear. Work on it, Honda.

Okay, tomorrow (I promise) a special blog on The Men Tell All, which should actually be named The Men Tells Us Nothing Because the Producers Won't Let Them but I guess that's too long to put on the commercial.

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