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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Friday, July 25, 2008

No Surprises in Bachelor-Land

ABC's, The Bachelor can be many things; surprising, however, is not one of them. Finally ending what everyone has known for an eon, Bachelor Matt Grant and his ersatz-fiancee, Shayne Dalai Lamas, have apparently grown tired of having to explain to reporters why they are always in someone other than each others company and announced that they are indeed Splitsville!

Thank you. As you were told here by your humble pirate when this travesty ended, this sucker was faked from the get go. The Dalai Lamas, looking more and more like the potted-palm plant-job that she was, apparently got what she wanted out of the deal: the chance to pose scantily-clad on numerous, crappy Men's Magazine covers and the delectable attention she so obviously craves. What does British dweeb Matt Grant get out of the deal? Well, since he obviously spilled to the reporter first: he gets to blame her. The story says she dumped him via cell phone and he is reported to be "devastated." Sure. He's probably devastated he has to take his skinhead-looking ass back to merry Olde England and get a real job.

Anybody feeling "devastated" by their break up needs some medication and a nice, safe rubber room to sleep in. (They also need to contact me so I can sell them some swampland.) The only thing remarkable about any of this is that this version of the Bachelor signaled the moment when Producer Mike Fleiss moved from trying to stage the show to actually staging it. The early years of the Bachelor, when Satan Fleiss was but a lad in the land of reality TV manipulation, actually had some sense of realism. True, this now makes 10 of 11 Bachelors who have dumped their sweeties, but those earlier ones actually made some pretense of giving it a go. Well that all stopped when Brad Womack made his heroic stand and dumped everyone. ABC had just come off a banner year when Lt. Andy Baldwin, (now revealed as a world class douche) dated and picked Tessa Horst. That romance was still supposedly on-going when the Womack debacle occurred. One supposes ABC was less than thrilled and Fleiss panicked. "No more Reality!"

You see, Fleiss is actually a kind-hearted person with sound judgment. Remember that on the night Brad Womack dumped Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas, leaving both women in tears and at least one them(Pappas) psychologically scarred, Fleiss' idea of "funny" was to the end the show with Womack sitting on his couch eating a Subway and watching TV. While Bachelor America gnashed its teeth and damned Brad Womack to hell; Fleiss thought it would be a riot to show Womack eatin' a sammitch and watching the boob tube. (Thankfully, mercifully, ABC stepped in and stopped him). How can we doubt the priceless judgment of such a man?

Well Fleiss learned his lesson: No More Reality! Rumors in the bloggersphere hint ABC is considering shelving the show. Others counter than since the Bachelor still gets good ratings that that will never happen. But it's happened before. Most of you are probably too young to remember 1969 so I shall provide a lesson: At that time CBS had a load of top-rated shows--many of them in the top 10 but they were all hick-coms; in other words, shows about Hillbilly's. You may have heard of several of them: The Beverly Hillbillies, Green Acres, Petticoat Junction. All of these shows were in the top 15 at the time of their cancellations. CBS axed them because they were embarrassed. Do you think ABC execs are embarrassed that their flagship dating program has become a joke? Maybe, maybe not but one thing is certain: This show needs to be desperately re-tooled. It needs to actually try and fulfill the premise it was supposed to meet in the first place. If you had a show that actually showed interested people falling in love and committing to each other instead of Hollywood wanna-be's and desperate fame-whores trying to pimp careers, this show could run until 2100. Ever heard of Romeo and Juliet? Love is a universal theme just like Shakespeare knew.

ABC has an easy answer too: FIRE FLEISS! Give Lisa Levenson a shot or hire someone else who will recruit people off Match.com instead of MySpace and give us back some "reality."

I'm for it.

Argh!

Monday, July 7, 2008

Bachelorette Finale---Fake Times at Ridgemont High

She picked the stoner! Ha Ha! Oh, man I don't believe it! She picked Spicoli! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ! That's right, the same character created by Sean Penn in the 80's cult movie, Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The only thing missing was the wingman morphing into Mr. Hand and eating Spicoli's pizza because he didn't order enough for the whole class. Somebody call Ray Walston! Ha, ha! Wonder what Spicoli the snowboarder plans to do with the big cash reward he won for being the f1? He'll probably do what Spicoli did and blow the whole wad hiring Van Halen to play at this birthday party. Can you see Dee riding around in the back of a micro bus following Jesse to snowboarding events; smokin' the wheat and drinking bongwater? Ha, ha. Me neither.


The bigger question is: Just how stupid is this girl!? Now, I don't think she's in love with this guy in the least. She was in love with Graham three weeks previously. No, the question of her stupidity that this begs is that since she didn't love either man, why did she take the one man who was the most earnest of the bunch to the final 2 so she could dump him for a stoned-out teen-aged wanna be? Why not take Jeremy-bot? Or Richard, the Chef? Or (gasp) The Grahamster!? You remember him Dee; you know, the guy you actually loved? He wouldn't have cared. Jesus, why take the nice guy to the dump farm? Why not anyone but the one guy who had a kid!? Especially when you were going to dump him for a guy whose ideas of fun are trying to destroy the English language and dressing up like a circus clown? And then to let the equivalent of the All-American guy get all the way down on one knee before you stop him?! Was this her idea of a joke!? And please be sure to give him a beaming smile when he's walking up to you. We wouldn't want him to see that big axe in your hands now would we? Think the villagers aren't up in arms about this? They're carrying torches and heading to the castle gates as we speak. Ha Ha! DeAnna now lives in a castle folks. Unfortunately for her it's guarded by flying monkeys, and no, they're not the result of those dubious-looking mushrooms your new "fiancee" fed you either, dear. They're the result of your seeming need to be elected Queen Bitch of the Universe. Stay out of the water, Dee; you'll melt.


Somewhere in Texas, Brad Womack just wiped his brow and did a shot. Or three.


Recap: (As if it matters now.) A long series of needless recaps showing the men's "journey's" with her. ZZZZZZZZZ. Then the two dwarfs head to Newnan, Ga. to meet Dee's family; so naturally it's time to trash Brad Womack again. The whole family piles on and Brad is again dismissed as a douche. Jason, the baby daddy, (hereafter known as the sacrificial lamb), is up first. Jason handles the whole thing very well. His dweebish nice guy bit goes over as well as it should. Dad questions whether Dee is ready to move into a ready-made family. Ya think? Anyway, sis takes the lamb outside and asks him about his true feelings for Dee. Unless Jason is a terrific actor, and he's not shown that ability to this point, he actually is in love with Dee. The brother asks the big question and we never see Dee answer it: "What's the wow factor?" We don't see the answer because there isn't one. Dee keeps making statement after statement about how "He's a good father; he wants to get married!" Even if leaks hadn't told the whole online world last week that she picks Jesse, this should have. The lamb is toast. Exciting guy versus stable guy. Most young women don't make the right choice on this one. They wait until the next time, when they're in their thirties, and learn that marriage is a long-term commitment, to make the correct pick. Dee, at 26, doesn't disappoint either. Jason asks dad's permission to marry Dee. The lamb is prepped for slaughter.

Jesse, the stoned snowboarder shows up next looking like, well looking like a skater boi. Baggy-assed pants and that "Rad" talk all going on. Tuck your shirt in, you douche. This one is kept short and Jesse is made to look scared, frightened and looking to escape. Dad's shown grilling Jesse and the edit makes it look like he has no answers for dad. More tellingly, Dee sits inside with her sis and pouts the entire time that Jesse is getting it too hard and won't do well. No clues needed here. Jesse is quickly shown the door, "I blew it." Ha, ha. Dee and dad talk and it looks like dad tried to talk her out of what she's about to do. Give dad some credit; he tried. But Dee's pouting gets huge when pops refuses to wholeheartedly endorse Jesse like he did Jason and the writing is even more on the wall.

Next, the producers pull one of their weird, pointless exercises that shows they don't really have a clue about what they're doing. In an effort to "up the drama" they bring both guys back to an extended family party. Unsurprisingly this produces a freeze from both guys and wads of discomfort all around. What was Fleiss expecting; a food fight! Sometimes Satan is a full blown moron! The two guys shuffle around uncomfortably and Jason easily wins over the family while Jesse teaches people how to "nug". Jesus. Grandma Zsa Zsa wins props, and an argument to bring back arranged marriages, by picking Jason, by what looks like a country mile. Grandpa tries to remind her that it's Dee's choice and Grandma rolls her eyes at him. Grandpa then scores some props by cracking on Zsa Zsa about how her dad's shotgun was the only reason her married her. Ha. Ha. Cool. The old duffers actually understand marriage. It's a remarkable contrast between their wisdom and their granddaughter's idiocy. No wonder the divorce rate is over 50% these days. Both guys are booted out and the family is shown (as always) to be absolutely no help in aiding the Bachelor(ette) whatsoever. The producers get into the act and prompt Jesse to get his ass in gear and ask Dad for his daughter's hand. Ha, ha. Very subtle. Dad grimaces like a man who can see the edge of the abyss heading his way and surrenders to the inevitable.

The producers then lose their collective minds. For some reason (time filler, an attempt to humanize Dee? Who knows?) they stage some fake interviews with Dee and try to make us believe she actually flew back to Grand Bahama to have a conversation with the Jeremy-bot. This is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. I think Jesse wasn't the only one of this show taking bong hits. They don't even try very hard to fool us. The Jeremy-bot comes walking up to Dee's pad wearing the exact same clothes he was wearing at the rose ceremony the week before to talk to her. Dee greets him, at night, in a robe, and he whines and mewls to get her to change her mind. If anyone ever has the temerity to suggest this show isn't one huge pile of faked shit, just point them at this scene. Pro wrestling is more believable than what Fleiss is asking the audience to swallow here. I was expecting Hulk Hogan to come jumping out of the closet and elbow the Jeremy-bot on the noggin. Jesus, Fleiss, insult my intelligence, why don't you. The only thing worth noting here is that the Jeremy-bot tells the crowd that I have been completely accurate in my assessment of him. "I've...I've been a statue." Close enough for government work. Statue, robot; same thing. We get to see her dump his ass all over again. Yes she's looking like Rebbecca of Sunnybrooke Farm all right.

Back to some semblance of "reality". Back to Grand Bahama for real and Dee and the dweebs are ready for the last chance dates and the Final Lamb Slaughter. First, she and bowl-smoke go for a seaplane ride to a tiny island. They are clearly very comfortable with each other and they frolic around in the surf. In between frolicking there are voice overs where Jesse swears his true and unflinching love. Heh. Then its back to the hotel where Jesse presents her with a "gift." It's a book filled with still shots Jesse would have no chance of ever getting his hands on without the producers help, but in keeping with Jesse's 'character' it looks like a pop-up book. Very impressive. If Jesse had actually made the thing it would have been filled with drawings of hemp leaves and pen scrawled sayings like "Led Zeppelin Rulz!" so I think we can safely assume he didn't make it.

Now its the lamb's turn. He greets Dee in his usual dweeby run and hug method and she takes him scuba diving with sharks. Careful Jason, the Great White is closer than you think. They do go down to the bottom of the sea floor and there are real sharks around. Dee tells us Jason was "very manly and she feels safe and protected with him." This also is a refrain we have heard a thousand times. "Safe, protected," Read BORING! And just like we've seen between them every time he moves to kiss her she hesitates, kisses, then pulls back abruptly. Hard to believe the guy can't feel it but evidently he can't. It's then back to the lamb's room where he gives her a board game. It should have been Clue, Jason. But it isn't. She picks chance cards, etc. and looks uncomfy kissing him again. Voice overs tell us she's falling love with him. Heh, too funny. He tells her in apparent earnestness that he loves her. Narcissist that she is, she smiles and laps it up. The sharpening of knives can be heard in the background.

DeAnna wants us to believe she woke up the next morning and had an epiphany. After slobbering about how much she loves both guys she wakes up the next morning and suddenly is positive about who she will choose. Ok. The lamb, desperately needing a shave, goes ring shopping first and marches directly into the store with blind confidence and picks out a ring. Spicoli, however, nearly vomits on the sidewalk before he could get into the store. He tells us this means he "must love her?" The question in the tone is clearly audible. Ha, ha. He finally gets inside, picks out a ring, and then launches into a commercial: "This Decory ring to me, symbolizes forever." Ha, Ha, ha! Shamelessness is not an issue here folks.

With strains of classical music blaring in the background, voice overs tell us just how kooky this all is. Stoner boi finally uses the term, "Soulmate." We'll hear that a couple of billion times in the next few seconds. On to the slaughter. The wingman walks Dee out to her plinth of pain and she assures us she is 100% sure of her choice. Out of the two that are left, we are too, Dee. But the ominous shadows on Brad Womack and Graham Bunn rise up behind her as we hear this like storm clouds in Oz.

The first limo pulls out and out steps the lamb. Women all over the country who do not follow this crap on the Internet gasp in horror. The lamb, the stale breath of the producers still filling his ears ("You got it, man! There's no way she's gonna' pick that stoned loser over you! She wants a family; that loser doesn't even have a real job! Go for it buddy!) comes bounding happily down the walkway to his doom. DeAnna, just to make sure the coming ambush is as bloody and horrifying as humanly possible, beams at him like his blushing bride awaiting him at the alter. The next part...(sighs, shakes head) I'm afraid the next part defies my abilities as a writer. We pirates loot and pillage, we don't normally transcribe horror films, and before anyone tells me this happened quickly, I will remind you that descending down to one knee dressed in a suit, is not a one-step process. The lamb pulls back his jacket coat, steps back and slowly descends to one knee. Just as his knee is touching concrete she says "No, I can't."

The look he gives her carries in it about a thousand different emotions. He knows what it means when she stops him but the overriding look in his eyes is a question of" "How could you!?" She let him absolutely humiliate himself before she stopped him. It is akin to watching a disemboweling. Beatings of baby seals are tame in comparison. Horror is not nearly a strong enough word. The man is reduced to smoldering embers and DeAnna is unmasked as a sociopath. He is in such shock for the rest of the time it doesn't really need describing. She peddles him some balloon-juice and he just wants to drop into a hole and die. Fleiss should have provided him one. One thing I can't figure out is why these suitors allow the dumpers to allow them to walk them to the car. I remember Baldwin's season and I was hoping Bevin would pick him up and throw him in the ocean, and during the Grant/Lamas fiasco Chelsea nearly did--which is one reason I like her so much. I would have let her say two words and then snapped. "Got it!" and made a beeline for the limo, but the lamb is in too much shock to do anything but gape at her. Either he has more class than me (a definite possibility) or he is in too much shock to resist. Either way, for all the bullshit this show peddles the guy was blind sided by an all-time dirty blow. Fleiss will have to work hard to ever top this beating. She guides him back to the car and he sits in shock and breaks down on the way out.

Spicoli shows up and proposes. BFD. She didn't love either of these clods but this one wins the cake-topper as most bizarre Bachelor(ette) I have ever watched. The most frequent posts I saw on the board that night from fans was "Gross!" I think that will about cover it.


After The Final Rose: You're going to get a quickie version of this because I'm not going back to re-watch this pablum. Suffice it to say, Jason comes out looking hurt; is forced to watch his humiliation all over again and is interviewed by the wingman. Edits show Harrison nodding a lot and Jason hesitantly agreeing to talk. The wingman does his usual good job and the story finally comes out. He wants most to know why she let him down on one knee before she stopped him. Because she's a psycho, Jason, that's why. Anyway, the paid audience is obviously told to cheer and buck Jason up as much as possible and its now apparent why a paid audience was used. A real audience of fans would have booed Dee's ass off the second she came out but the paid seals all clap like they've been told. Dee comes out and Jason asks her some tough, probing questions. This isn't a surprise. Jason seemed intelligent and well-educated; the surprise is that we were allowed to see it. Jason's best line is when he said: "Watching the show, I realized you never looked at me the same way you looked at Jesse, or to be fair, Graham." Ouch! Right in the 'ol psyche with that one! Dee pulls back and tried to deflect it but Jason scored major carnage of his own on that one. Conclusion: Jason is the next Bachelor if he's dumb enough to take it. I both hope and think he will not.

Bong hit comes out and and tries to recreate his infamous over the couch entrance from night one but only succeeds in stirring memories of Tom Cruise on Oprah. The creepiness meter goes higher. Dee then tries wayyyyyy too hard to show how much she loves him. "Forced" is a good word for it actually. They announce their wedding date and Harrison tells them Fleiss is going to send them to Greece. Heh, heh. Are they going to pay for the divorce too? The only stick of anything useful comes when Harrison questions Dee's dad. Dad says he knew it would be Jesse in Atlanta. No surprise, but it gives light to all of Dee's lies to Jason. It's also said through a grimace masquerading as a smile. Yeah, be proud dad, your daughter is engaged to a loser. Fathers everywhere glow with pride.

Oh yeah. Matt and Shayne show up to try and convince everyone they are actually still a couple, (or ever were). That's pretty hard to do when Matt's already confirmed to a reporter that he's moved out of Shayne's apartment and media reports have Shayne out of drunken dates with other men. Just in case any of you are still feeling gullible, you will notice that Fleiss isn't paying for any damn thing for these two.

And that will do it, matey's. Another failed romance in the books. I will see you when next the wingman announces "Our most romantic season ever!" or when I decide to write something else on here. Until then remember: Argh!

Thursday, July 3, 2008

6/30--The Men Tell You Nothing You're Not Supposed To Hear

Normally the only good thing about these Tell-All shows is the chance to watch Bachelor Women make even bigger asses of themselves than they did on the actual show, and to see Chris Harrison actually demonstrate why he is paid a load of pelf to host this travesty. It certainly isn't because viewers are going to learn anything substantive about what really happened behind the scenes. This season has already morphed into the biggest train-wreck of all the Bachelor seasons this pirate has seen. I guess the only shocking thing is just how transparently (and early) the failure has been shown. Fleiss and his editing machine have been pulverized. He just couldn't pass up the drama of the Graham storyline and its come back to bite him on his soft, pimply ass. Got your own damned fingers burned, didn't you, Satan? Haha, well no one deserves it more, except maybe his own lovely Bachelorette Goddess, DeAnna (Victim) Pappas, who is exposed in this townhall format as one colossal, self-absorbed bitch of biblical proportions. The leaking in the dam had already started to be apparent to any but the most casual viewer anyway, and since Satan can't say no to drama, he inadvertently (Or deliberately?) gave Dee plenty of rope to hang herself and she happily obliged.

The shows first fifteen minutes were snoozeville. The only good thing about was Harrison, who showed his characteristic quick wit amidst the piles of scripted hyperbole he's required to bark out every fifteen seconds: "Our most dramatic and talked about season EVER!" Jeez, Chris, what would your momma say? I'm sure the huge bankroll he earns is enough for his wife and kids to enjoy the fruits of this nonsense and pretend Dad has a job near his level of ability, but there must be times it still burns to have to admit to it in public. This guy is actually a first-rate interviewer: intelligent, quick, funny and glib. As far as I'm concerned he could take over Meet The Press. It's a damn shame he's been reduced to this but I, for one, am grateful he's around so these Tell-All shows approach watchable. And he does get to write dirty sex notes, let's not forget that?

Anyway, Harrison does his best to bait us with the twenty-two minutes of this shitfest that at least threaten to be entertaining. The rest of the hour is scuttled with needless recaps we have all seen and about five seconds of outtakes they should have included in the broadcast originally, and usually turn out to be damn funny. Unsurprisingly, Harrison is the star of the outtakes too. He's shown baiting DeAnna about Sean, the karate-boys ridiculous mullet. Heh-heh. As if everyone in America was thinking that already. The twenty-two minutes of half-interesting stuff involves the main players from the season's shows. The biggest ovations from the female audience are reserved for The Grahamster, Jeremy-bot, and Fred, Da Bears! There is also a shout out for Richard, Bill Nye Science-guy.

Harrison asked the boys about their experiences and just why everyone hated the Jeremy-bot. An eclectic bunch ranging from Ron, the pissed off Divorced Guy to Twilley, the Weirdo, and Ryan, the pain-in-the-ass virgin attempt to expound. Ron mentions that the other guys were there to see if there was chemistry while Jeremy seemed to want to win a competition. They ALL rag him as a douchebag. But you don't honestly think the producers have edited an entire 8 week story to have these guys trash the whole script with honesty, do you? The edit cuts start coming so fast and furious you can't tell if they are answering Harrison's actual question you saw or whether or not he asked them if they farted in the shower before the show. The audience, presumable pre-tested to make sure they were sub-normal I.Q., "ohhhhs" and "ahhhhs" in disbelief that the other men weren't jealous of the Jeremy-bot. The near unanimity of these guys should show what I have been saying about Jeremy-bot is true: The guys is as fake as the day is long. He's a famewhore who's been handed a golden opportunity to dredge sympathy from the gullible and maybe get himself named the next Bachelor. I can tell you right now, my friends, if that sorry event occurs you can count me out! I have no intention of watching, let alone blogging about, this mannequin in anyway.

Harrison finally drags the Jeremy-bot into the "hotseat" and lets him mewl and whine about how tough he got it. Finally he's dismissed and the only important thing is this sets up his 'confrontation' with DeAnna, that's still to come. Harrison finally gets in on Graham and we see basically nothing, except that Graham is funny and smart--he also tries to defend himself against the edit. But the editing axe was at work again so who knows?

The good stuff is when DeAnna comes out....and she's orange? What the hell was that about? Harrison, all the boys, their make-up looked normal, but Dee looks like a jack-o-lantern, and a damn scary one it turns out too. And I'm not raggin here; just observing, but has Dee stopped going to the gym? Somebody looked a good fifteen lbs. heavier than the last time we saw her. First the Jeremy-bot asks her "When did you know it wasn't me?" Dee could have said "When we talked; you seemed hesitant--changed. My heart just didn't follow my head." That would have been ok. But she basically tells him he lost the sack race to Jason and Jesse. "Ouch," Jeremy says. Plastic or not, it had to hurt when she basically told him he sucked in the rack on National TV. It was indelicate to say the least and probably gives us a clue about her nature and where this is heading.

But the real illumination is saved for Graham. Harrison prompts her and she blatantly disagrees that Graham ever opened up to her and then lands this needless punch into his codpiece: "We all saw the show where I sent you home and I was, at the time, second-guessing my decision, but I don't anymore!" the audience even gasped at that one. Graham had the look of a man who just wants to be done with this and tried to call her off repeatedly. "Hey, this doesn't need to be an argument. Good luck, you're the greatest." Dee turns burnt-orange and even Harrison says: "You are pissed!" it wasn't a question. She turns to Graham, whose obviously violated celestial law by not groveling at her feet and scalds. "I don't like the way you're here today acting like it didn't mean anything to you!" Ha HA! Woman, are you engaged or not!? What a beyotch!What woman, who is engaged, would be having this talk with a former beau?! She is vindictive and looking to wound him. Grahams moved on (happily I'll wager too) and she's acting like he needs to fall apart and grovel like the Jeremy-bot, whom she has just chopped to shreds! You just know that if Graham had snapped his fingers and ordered "Lips!" she would have run across that stage and jumped into his lap, fake-gagement or no. This is hysterical! I hope whichever of the remaining dweebs she's engaged to was watching this. If Graham had pulled his unit out on stage she would have been chasing it like a cat after a mouse. God this girl is bitter! I was hoping Brad Womack would come walking out and give Graham a high five.

Dee then announces she's "in-love, and engaged!" Jeremy-bot feigns more pain. Listen folks, if you're a fan of Jeremy's: Reality Steve, who lives in Dallas just like Jeremy, has been reporting since forever that Jeremy is a frequenter at Dallas' hottest nite spots where he's been seen dancing away his sorrow with an entire bevy of comely wenches. This is ALL an act! The only thing that wasn't was Graham's refusal to be her doormat and the subsequent anger it engendered in her.

Previews show that both douches will be needlessly forced down on one knee to actually propose to her, so she can dump one of them? This show is always harsh at the end but this begs imagination. She couldn't just do like Brad did to her and dump them? DeAnna (and Fleiss) had better pray she chooses Jason. If she's led on the baby-daddy and his three year-old to pick a stoner, the boards will explode! She's spent the entire season taking out her bitterness at being led on by Brad and swearing never to do any such thing. If she's led on a dweeby, but seemingly sincere man with a three year-old, just to dump him AFTER he proposes to her, she'll be hanged in effigy.

Let's see what happens my friends...let's just see.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

June 30th--Going Through the Motions

Argh and Argh! I'm late again. Well don't blame me this time. Mrs. Barbarossa wanted the entire pirate ship cleaned, half the crew executed, and I had to pilot the young scalawags all over the seven continents of the world. But now, alas, the ship is cleaned, the crew disposed of, and the young swabbies are all (thankfully) at their relatives ports and its finally time to riff on DeAnna Pappas and her quest for "True Love". (She loves Graham) Damnit, I'm going to have to watch this the next couple of entries. Mr Subliminal from Saturday Night Live fame has been poking his pointed head into my computer and talking trash of late. We'll just have to ignore him.

This weeks recap actually mentions the Grahamster, (I guess that couldn't really be ignored, could it?) and Deanna decides to damn him with the ultimate curse too! "He's another Brad." Ouch, ewww, argh! That must have really hurt, Dee. You just compared the Grahamster to another folksy, tall, stone-bellied, shadow-faced commitment-phobe who doesn't give a shit about you. (You wouldn't think anyone would need to connect the dots for her now would you?) Man, that's rough. That'll bring that bastard to his knees, I'll tell ya! What she didn't add was "Bastard! How dare you not kiss the ass of your goddess! I'm the fu****g Bachelorette! Hasn't anyone told you!? Didn't Ellen tell you how wonderful I am!?" But I don't know why not. It would have been more honest (and damn funny too). Anyhow, you would think people would be laughing as they watch this farce but a quick check of the posting boards reveals another story. Here's a sample of about ten billion like it I found:

"Good, now Graham is gone it clears the way for Jason and DeAnna to discover true love! Sqeeeeee!"

Jesus Christ, are these women sniffing glue? How out to lunch do you have to be to believe a woman could so demonstrably fall in love with one man and then, two weeks later, get engaged to one she wasn't as fond of and believe its real? Whatever these people on those boards are smoking; I want some.

(She loves Graham)

DeAnna hauls The Three Dwarves to Grand Bahama for three remarkably similar dates. First up Is Jeremy, the candy-assed orphan robot. Ugh. Well at least we can get this one out of the way right away. But before I describe the date I should send out props to the Honda Corporation. Man, those little devils have sure come a long way in robotics haven't they? He sure looks and almost acts lifelike doesn't he? As Dee greets him on the beach I could swear he's a real human being. Regardless, Dee tells us Jeremy is "Perfect! I'd have a perfect life--a perfect marriage." He's toast. We all know perfection and happiness are the last thing Deanna wants in life. Perfect like your Stepford Husband, eh Dee? Anyway, they go jet skiing and WHOA! Did you see that!? He dove in the water!? He's even watertight! More props to Mr. Takimoto. Anyway they go to a sandbar and Jeremy-bot starts acting all timid and frightened.

This turns out to be the prelude for the theme of their date. Jeremy-bot tells her "I would tell you I'm falling in love with you...but it's already happened." Takimoto needs to work on the Jeremy-bot's acting skills if he ever wants to mass market it to the public. A woman would have to falling down drunk to believe that delivery and Dee isn't...yet. She is horny, however, and pulls out the dreaded date card and tells the bot, "We got a card from Chris." Chris? Chris who? Oh, yeah, the wingman actually works on this show doesn't he? Glad the producers have found a useful outlet for his talents: writing smutty sex cards. Anyway, Dee takes the bot upstairs and (presumably) finds out how human/cyborg sexual relations in the coming decades is going to go. From the results, I'd say its back to the old drawing board for that aspect of the creation.

(She loves Graham)

For her second, virtually indistinguishable date, Dee takes Dwarf 2, Jason, the Baby-Daddy, kayaking in that notoriously romantic enclave, a mosquito-infested mangrove swamp. Calm my beating heart. But before they can get there, Jason takes her for a ride in a jeep, and since he nearly crashed and killed them both, Dee starts heavy breathing. "I was glad not to see Jason playing it safe." Yeah, first thing I look for in a mate is their callous disregard for their safety and mine. God, Dee, grow up a little will you? Whatever. They ferry across to an even more mosquito-infested part of the swamp, drench themselves with Deep Woods OFF! and eat. They feed some trained fish and seem to have an almost Ty-free date. They then go kayaking. Well, no, not really. They went canoeing in a kayak. You can't go kayaking in a swamp. And it's clear that neither of them have even been canoeing before either. It looks like a wind sprints at an old folks home. Then on the dinner portion of the date...well they talked and looked fairly normal and only mentioned Jason's son six or a dozen times and then Jason takes Dee upstairs and shows her how he became a baby-daddy. I've been pretty easy on Jason to this point but its no more Mr. Nice Pirate now. Doesn't this guy's smile look creepy? It isn't even a smile--more like a painful grimace--like Dee is grinding her spiked heel into the top of his foot (Knowing her she might be.) The guys on a date and supposed to be falling in love. He shouldn't look like he's making a hostage tape, but with these producers he might be.

(She loves Graham)


Next up is dwarf 3, Jesse, the loaded stonehead. He comes tippy-toeing down the beach on his tiny little feet and Dee also takes him into the surf--except instead of Jet skis they ride horsies. C'mon Fleiss, pump the budget here a little bit! Even that loser Prince Lorenzo got to take his failed dates to different places. You bunked these guys in a shithouse! Surely there's a few bucks left over for something!? Anyway, Dee seems more at ease with 'ol bonghit than she did with either Jason or Jeremy-bot. The beach portion of the date goes pretty well and they show a lot of physical affection. You'd think Dee would be exhausted by now, but evidently not. At dinner Dee finally prods the eternal teenager to talk about "his life after snowboarding." Translation: When are you going to get a real job? Ouch! Right in the 'ol Achilles Heel. Jesse hems and haws about needing to slowly withdraw from snowboarding. Hah-hah. Yeah, this will work out. But Dee's hormones are screaming now so she whips out the 'ol sexcard anyway and probably gets the boning of her life. Hey, eternal teenagers must be good for something.

Rose ceremony time and Dee looks pretty good for a woman whose been having sex with more men than Jenna Jameson and she starts it off with this whopper: "I thought after Graham that I wouldn't fall in love, but I have--with all three of these guys." Yeah, DeAnna the fundamentalist Mormom. Anyway she arrives at the ceremony and the guys are looking dress casual--all except Jason, who is wearing the most hideous beard I have ever seen! I want to attack him with a belt sander! It's not even a beard; its a Graham-disguise and its the worst one I have ever seen. This is a Rose Ceremony, Jason, not Halloween; shave that damn thing off before you frighten your kid! Dee then gives them the standard blather, "My heart is breaking right now!" By my count that's the forty-sixth time in the last eight weeks that DeAnna has gotten a broken heart. It must be in shards by now or maybe even dust. What a steaming load!

(She loves Graham)


Dee: "Jesse will you accept this rose...grow three inches and get a job?"

Stoner: "Uh, uh, yeah, I guess so, Man."

Dee: "Jason, will you accept this rose...grow three inches and shave that hideous creature off your face and swear to god you will never, ever grow it again!"

Jason: "Yes, Mistress!"

Whoops! Somebody hit the meltdown switch on the Jeremy-bot and it starts to sing "If you only had a heart!" No, not really. But it does whine, mewl, and act even more depressed than usual. Dee walks him to the car, manages to work up a crocodile tear and slams the door on Pinocchio. She immediately heads back to her two remaining dwarfs smiling like she just won the lottery and starts hitting the booze. The producers have slipped in a new directive chip and the Jeremy-bot becomes a Pussy-bot! It orders the limo stopped so it can wander around on the grass and act all put out. Meryl Streep has nothing to fear. Work on it, Honda.

Okay, tomorrow (I promise) a special blog on The Men Tell All, which should actually be named The Men Tells Us Nothing Because the Producers Won't Let Them but I guess that's too long to put on the commercial.