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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, January 19, 2009

1/19--"Ama-zing!"

For those of you playing the Bachelor drinking game this year, your livers have my deepest sympathies after last night. And if you're in any shape to read this in the next two days, you either have alcohol tolerances higher than Keith Richards or you're a bunch of cheaters. No one could have survived that "Amazing" hurricane. Jason drops the "Amazing" bomb more than any Bachelor I've ever seen...and boy, is that saying something. It makes you wonder if the producers don't just dance around behind the cameras holding up giant signs urging him to say it. I counted at least 25 bombs dropped by Jason and the ladies. Ozzie Osbourne couldn't have played by the rules and survived that. Playing the Bachelor drinking game fits with the old adage pilots used to say about landings: "If you can walk away from it; it's a good one." Well, last night was one crappy landing then. As bad as it was for sitting up straight, speaking coherently, or even making it off the couch, it was, however, a great night for syrupy kiddie-dates and an excess of catty-bitch drama.

The episode opens with the wingman patrolling the Harem Tent and letting the women know the date lineup for the night. There will be two, one-on-one's and one group date. Once again several girls will be given the shaft and will get no date at all. The wingman also drops the first date card before he exits and we find out that Catwoman Stephanie will be getting this weeks first one-on one.

Legoland Purgatory


A quick, tear-filled widows recap accompanies Stephanie's story and a reminder that she not only has a daughter, but it's her birthday today that her momma is skipping so she can appear on a reality show. They go for a walk on the beach and Jason sets her up before her daughter is trundled out for a saccharine-sweet reunion. They spend a ton of air time watching the little tyke playing in the surf and ignoring Jason like he's the invisible man.

Jason then takes them both to Legoland where someone's dressed the Catwoman's daughter, Sofia, in a pink princess outfit that's just as nauseatingly inappropriate as I've made it sound. You can imagine the smoldering heat of this date at a deserted kiddie park with a four year-old in tow. After a fun filled day of riding miniature roller coasters and assorted other nonsense, Jason and the Catwoman talk about "family." After taking her and her birthday daughter to a kiddie theme park, there's no need wondering about the rose; had he stiffed her with her child present, Jason would have been voted Asshole of the Month, which goes to put the lie to any notion that the rose wasn't decided upon before they flew her daughter out there to begin with. It arrives on schedule and keeping with the theme park vein, it's a Lego rose. Bully. Yuck.

Tits against Cancer

Meanwhile back at the Harem Tent, the card for the group date arrives and a couple of girls, including Natalie the Barbiedoll, don't hear their names called. Jason shows up dressed like some hip private-eye and hauls his female gaggle downtown to some tit museum. You think I'm kidding, but I'm not. It some place that sells casts of women's boobs all painted up as art to raise awareness for breast cancer or something. Jason goes first and removes his shirt for the selfless acts of showing off his HGH bod and having Erica the Bitch and Melissa the Cheerleader oil up his torso for casting while Shannon the Stalker drools all over the floor watching him. The women then duck behind see-through screens to have their tits cast to help raise money. It does look more interesting than you standard telethon, I must say. PBS should try this. Ahem. The cameras (and Jason) soon move around the screens and he helps cast Shannon the Stalker (and looked to cop a feel or two). Jillian the Canuck tells us she's cool with her body and doesn't mind being nude or whatever. Not to be out-shouted, Megan, the Pirate Wench, tells us she's ready to strip naked in Times Square for a good cause or something like that.

The only crime of the whole affair is that Nikki the Pageant Queen was not shown in any part of the process except for painting her bust cast. Thank you, Fleiss. The best rack on the whole show and we get to see flatchested Jillian the Canuck instead? Thankfully they showed Megan...at least a little. Damn, you'd think only women watch this show. Anyway, the casts all look hideous, like a second grade class with finger paints went after them. The painting process lets Megan the Pirate Wench ask a few silly questions about breast cancer and mastectomies that even men know the answers to. It also gives Melissa the Cheerleader a chance to reveal to Jason that she had a breast reduction a few years back. I start to scowl until she says something about being a "double ff' cup and my eyes bug out. Picturing anything that enormous on a little waif like Melissa is near impossible, but you sure can't blame her for having the procedure. Jillian and Jason then hop up and down on a bed and discuss love and decide they're in complete agreement on the topic. This then leads to me seeing that my decision to propose to Nikki the Pageant Queen was probably a bit premature. Turns out she's an anal-obsessive maniac and pillories Jason with tales of arranging her toothbrush in just the proper place. Jason grimaces in horror at the nightmare of forty years of seeing his ties arranged in color-coordinated order from left to right. "That's not one of my strengths," he cringes.

"That's ok," Nikki assures him. "That's what girls are for."

Jason looks like he wants to leap out the nearest window. Nikki, who is obviously used to being the center of all attention and not used to being expected to sound intelligent or even normal, beats herself senseless in a private interview. "I just can't be spontaneous!" You actually feel sorry for her and editing or no, she beats herself up pretty good. Never thought I'd feel sorry for a pageant queen. Megan then tries to say something about her selfless nature to Jason but somehow manages to sound so full of herself she's ready to pop. "I live to serve. Two weeks without any praise and I miss it." Editing bug was all over this one. Megan probably talked for forty-five minutes and they managed to fish out thirty seconds of dialogue where she sounded like an ass. Nice work, Fleiss. Whatever, Jillian the Canuck gets the date rose.

The Material Date for the Material Girl

Funny how often this shows Cinderella date usually goes to the wicked step mom, isn't it? This year the groups biggest clothes and jewelry horse in the tent gets her dream date--all except for one little detail--Jason goes along as well. Oh, yeah, and she gets her ass dumped too. Oh, well, can't have it all. Jason shows up to pick up Natalie the Barbiedoll in one of his nondescript, ill-fitting suits. With all the show prep that went into this series--HGH bod, endless Ty-montages, shirtless beach jogs--you'd think Fleiss the tightwad would have actually sported for a few tailored suits to make his Bachelor look like his shoulders are wider than his hips, wouldn't you? Oh, well, must not have been a product placement gimme available I guess. The same, however, can't be said for airplane companies it would appear. Jason is about to take Natalie on every type of flying contraption except the space shuttle. But first has to bejewel her with a million bucks worth of diamonds and in keeping with Bachelor-tradition, he festoons her right in front of the other girls.

He cools his heels downstairs with the other gals while Natalie finishes her final touches. When she finally comes downstairs some guy who looks like he works for Tony Soprano walks in with an attache and reveals a necklace loaded with diamonds. The other girls all sulk while Natalie gets the loaner necklace and Jason whisks her away to a waiting private jet and they take off for Vegas. The jet company obviously didn't sport for enough gas however, and they land short somewhere and take a helicopter from there. At this moment I'm eternally grateful ABC didn't have three hours to kill or Jason would have put her in a rocket and flown her to Mars. Despite the high tech flying machines it still requires a limo to finally get them into Vegas. Bully. Once there she and Jason have dinner and he showers her with compliments and tries to dig something deeper out of her beside her bleached-blond looks and spraycan-tan materialism. No dice. The girl sounds about as deep as a wading pool at an old folks home. They then go to a club where some chick named Kate Voegele or something comes out and sings. He and the Barbie get up and dance but constant voice overs are letting us know this is going nowhere. Natalie even moves in for a kiss but le bandito, showing some restraint backs away and the writing is on the wall. He then sits her down, picks up the rose and tells her "no go."

He then walks her out while Natalie grows steadily more pissed off. She's out on the street about to be hauled away when the guy in the waste management business shows back up to reclaim the diamond necklace. Natalie, as pissed off and vapid as she obviously is, at least has sense enough not to argue with the guy and directs her ire at Jason instead. She slams him for playing with the rose before telling her "no" and she's got a point there. She also rants on about Jason keeping "mean girls". Truthfully, this entire thing smells of a set up. It doesn't take Shannon the Stalker to tell us Jason is into brunettes and Natalie is so painfully blond it hurts my eyes. I also noticed that the Sopranos lieutenant made the trip to Vegas from Malibu so he could reclaim the jewels just as soon as Jason dumped her. This one smelled like a set up as much as the Catwoman's Legoland date did. I usually applaud any contestant who keeps their sense of self worth through the dump process but there is a fine line between self confidence and outright narcissism and in the ride to dumpville Natalie shatters that line and goes on a self important rant about her own wonderfulness and makes a total ass of herself. I'll spare her anymore because she cusses Jason out thoroughly. Hehehe.

The Cocktail Party Detective

Jason, spurred on by the words of Natalie the Barbiedoll, shows up at the cocktail party determined to find out who the "mean girls" Natalie was referring to are. Considering the way they all ragged her when she was gone with you, I believe that would be all of them, Jason. Why he cares one nick about this is absolutely beyond me anyway. Who cares how they treat each other; its how they treat you that's important, dummy. There hasn't even been anything remarkable about this to this point in the show anyway. Erica the Bitch and Megan, The Pirate Wench went after each other at the last party...a little, but that's been it. It's been ho-humville between the women and there appeared to be total unanimity about Natalie anyway. Jason, however, starts interrogating the women like he's auditioning for a role on Law and Order regardless. Who cares? Its one of those proven facts about life that some women don't get along with other women, especially not when you cram them together into one house and make then compete for the same guy. Jason, however, seems to be planning to start his own sorority and wastes his precious talking time trying to ferret out the evil doers. Yawn.

He starts in on Naomi the Spicy and much to her credit, she turns the tables on him and says, "I don't want to talk about the other girls. I want to talk about us." The sobers him long enough to get her a few hot kisses. Erica the Bitch, however, appears scared that Natalie fingered her and tries to deflect the damage by tossing Megan under the bus. Megan gets wind of it and Jason manages to stir up ten times more trouble than he would have had normally. Lauren the Hesitant fuels the fire some more by trying to act sanctimonious and things start heading downhill. Shannon the Stalker, who has obviously never been around more than two women in her entire life, can't deal with the cattiness (or lack of Jason's attention) and goes to barf. Nikki the Pageant Queen continues her meltdown by freezing up with Jason and managing to admit she's a perfectionist control freak. It's right here amongst all the catty weirdness that we get to witness one of the only genuine, sweet moments you will ever see on this show. Nikki, desperate to salvage the awful week she's having, leans in to kiss Jason on the cheek very, very awkwardly, but le bandito ain't havin' none of it. The testosterone level in his body must have been artificially raised from all the HGH because he captures her chin, straightens it, and lays one on her but good, tongue and all. Nikki looks thrilled with the results and Jason has my personal permission to swagger out of the room. Argh!

The wingman comes floating in and busts up the interrogations and then, god help us, actually tries to help Jason out by doing something. What!? What the hell is this about? The wingman actually lines the women up and plays Watson to Jason's Holmes. Jesus, somebody contact the union. This must be a violation of the wingman's contract; he counts roses and provides bombast and that's all. Fleiss is in for trouble now. Harrison teams with Jason and the women, all lined up for the Rose Ceremony, are interrogated and start arguing. Megan rips into Erica and scores points for saying, (truthfully, it would appear) that she doesn't speak of the other girls with Jason. That shuts Erica and Lauren up and Jason nods at her. Cha-ching for that rose. Shannon, meanwhile can't stand being left out and wanders off to vomit as we go to commercial.

Since we're at commercial, It's time for some observations and confessions regarding Megan, the Pirate Wench. She's been the source of the most of the dredged up drama on this show so far. With her potty mouth, slightly-trashy beauty, voluptuous bod, and cloud of drama swirling around her, I'd be a goner for this chick in a second. I know me and there's no way I'd escape this babe. I'd be tagged and bagged before you could blink. But, I think it's fair to say that a woman like Megan needs a different type of guy than Jason. I think we can all admit it. There are some women, just like there are men who need a stronger type of partner to keep them in line. Don't cringe, we're all adults here. Just like some men need a powerful woman to keep their lives on track there are some women who live by the adage "If he ain't man enough to handle me, he ain't man enough." Megan, it would appear, is one of those women. She doesn't strike me as the type who has any use for a man she can bully and she'd trample Jason into the floorboards of his own house in a second. She seems the type that needs a real man, and by real man I mean the John Wayne "shut your pie-hole" type. Moments like this make me wish I were the Bachelor-god and I could pick and pair people from different seasons of the show. I'd love to see Megan paired up with DeAnna reject, Ron, the Pissed-Off Divorced Guy!

I could just see Megan lounging around that pool with a cig and mimosa when in stomps Ron, looking like he means business.

Ron: "Megan, you wench, I need your steel to sharpen my steel!"

Megan: "Oh, f*ck you, Ron!"

And they tackle each other to the deck with such passion they break all the patio furniture. Now that would be cool.

Back from commercial and it's rose time...finally! Almost. Shannon has a few scene stealing moments left to be ill and an inserted Private Interview shows Megan raining a hail of F and S Bombs down on her for being a wimp. (Heheh, I love this chick.) Anyway, Jason makes his moves at last.

Jillian the Canuck, Stephanie the Catwoman already have roses

3) Molly the Bland. We've seen nothing to lead us to believe there's anything here but Jason was damned effusive with her. Might be more than meets the eye?

4) Lauren the Hesitant. Ok.

5) Melissa the Cheerleader. Duh.

6) Naomi the Spicy--Heheh, good for you, girl.

7) Shannon the Puking Stalker--Ugh!

8) Nikki the Pageant Queen-not yet, but I think this race is about run.

9) Megan, the Pirate Wench--Argh! Someone call Ron, the pissed-off divorced dude!

Cut: Erica the Bitch and Kari the ????

Erica manages to contain herself and sounds fine about her kiss off. Kari, who we've barely heard two words from the entire show, sounds sane and rational about her dismissal by a guy she obviously has no chemistry with. (No wonder they wouldn't let her talk.)

Next week: Jason, obviously trying to forestall a union lawsuit, refuses to hand out the last rose and cuts an extra girl saving the wingman the trouble of even showing up to count to one.

See ya then.

2 comments:

AbbyRose said...

Indeed your write up was MUCH better than watching the disgusting show. Shannon getting sick is an exact description of the show.

Something tells me that as many bachelorettes that were not interested in Andy Baldwin might equal Jason's number. Heck, he is trying to either tie or one up how many women he kisses with Bob Guiney's show. Yeck!

Love the pairing up of Megan and Ron. That would actually be a great reality tv show!

Again, it appears drama was the star of this episode.... again. Someone must not be able to carry a show (insert whistling icon here).

Stewart said...

Bring back Ron! We need him to come in there and clean house. He'd start tossing hoes out on the street faster than he can give a buzz cut.