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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, January 12, 2009

1/12--Hot Lips Mesnick!

Who would have ever expected a dweeby Jewish estate planner to try and challenge all-time sleaze-king, Bob Guiney for the title of Bachelor kissing-bandit? The show, The Bachelor, is usually pretty damn predictable, it's good to see that the serial proposer isn't...or at least he's being marketed as a bit of a surprise anyway. He's certainly had the body make-over since his stint as DeAnna Pappas' meat puppet and now he looks like he's in for the personality make-over as well. He must have needed an ice bag for his lips after that performance. Four girls in one night? Not bad, even by Matt Grant standards. And that's not counting numerous cheek kisses and hugs. Producer/fiend Mike Fleiss does seem to be trying to run this one a little differently and although the episode was waaayyy too long at an hour and a half for what they had to show, it was more interesting than last week's snoozefest at least.

Things start out with a very long recap and the required Ty-Reminder, only this time the little tyke is given his walking papers and sent home to mama. (Probably so he won't see his dad acting like a total horndog). Once Ty is sent packing, the wingman, looking very casual in jeans and un-tucked shirt and sporting only his usual hair-helmet, lacquered into place, greets the women and oversees their moving into the mansion. The surprise is when he announces the date format. He tells them some of them won't be having dates with Jason every week and then announces two, one-on-one, rose-or-go-home dates, and one group-date designed to make Jason feel like an Middle Eastern Sheik consisting of him and eight babes.

Jason starts this weeks dating by arriving unannounced at the Harem Tent for a pool party. The woman are already herded out around the pool when he arrives and Jason gets a chance to show off his new bod. Amazing what HGH can do, isn't it? Jason was built a little above-average last time, but now he has the distinct look of a man who's been shopping in Barry Bonds' medicine cabinet these last few months. Bully for you, Jason. Ignore those rumors about testicular shrinkage; they're just rumors. Anyway, the party just gets started when the producers toss in a twist and deliver a rose to the affair, instructing Jason to give it to one lady and secure her for a worry-free one-on-one date. The requisite Bachelor-stealing commences and Catwoman Stephanie, shows herself to be a little too classy to break up Natalie the Barbiedoll and Jason who are having a talk we barely get to hear. Sorry, friends, I know Stephanie is a widow and seems really nice but despite a killer bod I think this woman surpasses ugly and moves to downright hideous. She must pluck her eyebrows with a weed-whacker. Man, I kept waiting for her face to melt in that Malibu sunshine. I've also seen younger women at Bingo tournaments. She seems nice but I'm sorry--I couldn't keep her.

Soon, Jason gets friendly with Jillian the Canuck . He thinks she's spunky and fun and I can't help agreeing. They talk about her weird hotdog test last week and she tells him: "If yer kraut yer out!" in that moose-jawed Canadian accent of hers. She's definitely cute but that's going to to get annoying real fast. But Don Juan Mesnick is rolling now and his next target is Lauren and she immediately starts dropping hints (or fishing more like) about leaving. Jason schmoozes her for a minute but is soon after Naomi, who tells him she cured malaria in Borneo or something. Shannon the Stalker can't stand him being alone with anyone and starts throwing ice over the balcony to break them up. Careful, Jason, the next time it might be a grenade. This chick is a loon.

Disney Date:

The round-robin of Jason-stealing soon ends and Jason bestows the special rose on Jillian the Canuck. Quick as a flash they're out the door in a limo and on their way to some Disney Pavilion Theater thingy. I've been to Epcot so I didn't find the place all that enthralling but Jillian the Canuck is mightily impressed by Uncle Walt's funky ideas about futuristic architecture. Jason parks her by a by a ledge with a view and they have dinner. When he gets up, Jillian, obviously easily impressed, asks: "You mean there's more?" Damn, woman, this is the Bachelor, ya know. You get to do some cool stuff. Like watching some white dude named Robin Thicke (who sounds like Al Jarreau) sing some jazzy tunes in a private concert. Jillian, not in the least shy, grabs Mr. Dweeb up and they dance in front of the stage. This is where The Bandit draws first blood. He moves in awkwardly but the Canuck is ready and they do some fairly steamy kissing. Cha-ching! That's one.

Blimp Date:

Back at the Harem Tent, a date card arrives and it says Melissa The Cheerleader will be going on the next one-on-one. Melissa meets Jason on the beach and in inserted private interviews Melissa cops to being nervous. "I dated the same guy from fifteen to twenty-two and I haven't had a date in three years." Huh? A Cowboy Cheerleader hasn't had a date in three years? Ok, well, stranger things have happened I suppose. Actually, no they haven't. What, was she marooned on an arctic weather station!? If she also told us her last boyfriend was a Sasquatch I wouldn't have been any more surprised. I'll assume she's not lying just for shits and giggles. Wow, Melissa the Wallflower; who woulda thunk it. Anyway, Jason feeds her some oysters and Melissa, who is an oyster virgin, does the one thing that can quicken any mans heart: She's funny. Not scripted, cue-card-reading funny either. More like no bullshit, off the cuff funny. She also opens up and tells Jason she really wants to be a first grade teacher. I can practically hear wedding bells on this one already. Jason then takes her up on a bluff and The Bandit strikes again. Cha-ching! That's two! He then hauls her up for a ride in the blimp and gives her the rose, which was as big a foregone conclusion as I've made it sound.

Arab Sheik Date:

Jason now takes eight of the remaining fifteen to a store and tells them to pick out an outfit. I have no idea why. It's not like they're going to be wearing them because it's Ta Da!--pool party time. The women come out in bikini's and the first thing I notice is that Nikki the Pageant Queen is in absolutely no danger of drowning...ever! You could drop Nikki in the center of the Pacific and she could float all the way to California with those built-in floatation devices of hers. As a matter of fact, I hope Jason doesn't try to take her on a scuba diving date because they'll never be able to get her under the water. If he's taking her to the bottom of the ocean he'll have to tie a nuclear submarine to her back and tell it to submerge. Ahem, but I digress.

Anyway, Jason tried to liven things up by dancing and despite the HGH bod and coiffed hair, he finally manages to look like...well, like a Jewish accountant. Rather pathetic but the women all act enchanted anyway. But it's mere moments before Molly the Bland, launches a surprise offensive and not only gets Jason alone but goat ropes him into kissing her. The Bandit is as ready as always and lets her have it. Cha-Ching! That's three! Natalie the Barbiedoll was watching and announces, "They're making out!" Her announcement pisses off Nikki the Pageant Queen and she smacks us with this doozy: "I take kissing seriously. I've only ever kissed one guy, and he was my boyfriend of eleven years." Huh? WTF? Has Fleiss been trolling convents to find these girls?! An eleven-year boyfriend!? I think she means "Common-law Husband", even if they never lived together. Hey, eleven years has to earn you a better title than that. But once again, I digress. Nikki jumps Natalie pretty good and it becomes obvious that Nikki has taken up the office of resident mama. More on that later. Molly the Bland scores the rose.

Naomi moves in next and her and Jason snuggle under some blankies and le Bandito strikes yet again. Cha-Ching! That's four! Nikki then gets some cuddle time under the blankets and starts to sound like Jason's friend and adviser, warning him that some of the other girls "don't know what they're in for." Jason thanks her but because he hasn't bought the ring yet there's no kissing. He then takes the women home where the five who got no date await. Raquel, the Brazilian babe, pissed that Shannon is getting all the stalking action, slips out and waits for Jason in his SUV. It's awkward to say the least and you get the impression Jason could have done more than just kiss Ms. Hottie, cameras or no. Jason, however, looks thoroughly creeped out and he ditches her.

Cocktail Party:

Raquel, Megan, Stephanie, and Lisa were the four without dates and this is there only chance to impress the Bachelor before dump time. Lisa gets the ball rolling by dumping herself, however. She tells him her granny is terminally ill and she needs to go home. Hmmmm? Wasn't granny ill before she came on the show? Nevermind. she's gone, I'll let her be.

As Jason circles the room, Catwoman Stephanie, who seems to have bonded with 2-pack-day-Megan, tells the story of hearing about her husband's plane crash. It is a tear-jerker I must say and all the women around her bawl obediently. Megan takes her chance and hauls Jason outside where Molly the Bland, already sporting a rose, steals him away. This leads to only thing that could pass as a catfight for the whole evening and it's a tempest in a teapot. The only odd thing is that the fight between Megan and Erica the Bitch is made to look like it's Erica's fault and not Megan's. A quick cutaway reveals the truly important stuff where Nikki the Pageant Queen and Melissa the Cheerleader are seen having a real adult conversation about the consequences involved in becoming engaged to a man rooted in Seattle with a son. This is, to say the least, a major departure for the show. Bachelorettes are never shown actually discussing real-world concerns about relocating, saying goodbye to friends and family, etc. That may have been the biggest shock of the evening. But it does reveal the editor's priorities. Nikki is being sold as the big favorite, which of course means she doesn't win. But don't ignore her chat partner in that one.

Rose Ceremony:

Arriving like an FTD Elf, the wingman busts up the party with thirty minutes left in the broadcast and he and Jason go and powwow. Jason breaks the "amazing meter" and tries to get half the audience, who are playing the drinking game to pass out on their floors, when describing the women. I counted at least a dozen shots of "Amazing" and Mrs. B is once again grateful I gave up drinking. There's nothing worse for a petite woman than trying to haul a 250 lbs. husband to bed after this show. The wingman joins in trying to bestow the frontrunner mantle on Nikki by prompting Jason: "Nikki has become almost like a mother figure to the other women, hasn't she?" She's toast...but not just yet.

Jason finally emerges from the deliberation room and swears to almighty bog that he'd rather sever his own toes than cut any of the women. When he's through lying, it's time.

Safe: Molly the Bland, Melissa the Cheerleader, and Jillian the Canuck all have roses.

4) 2-pack-a-day Megan-- Jason (or the producers) give a hearty F**k You! To the haters. The drama will continue.

5) Nikki the Pageant Queen--Not yet, my friends, not yet...but it can't be this obvious, can it?

6) Lauren the Hesitant--Zzzzzzzz.

7) Naomi the Spicy--Sure, why not?

8) Catwoman Stephanie--Better man than me...but that ain't too hard.

9) Kari the ????--Who? Is there a chick on this show named Kari?

10) Natalie the Barbiedoll--One in ever Bachelor crowd.

11) Shannon the Stalker--Keep your enemies close, Jason...but not too close.

12) Erica the Bitch--Needed to fill out the roster, I suppose.

That leaves the Brazilian stalker, Raquel, and 10 & 2 Sharon with the funky eyes, without roses. Since Lisa had already eliminated herself, the blood letting is over for the night.

Conclusions:

Well, sure looks like the contenders have seperated themselves from the pretenders mighty early this season. Looks like four or five players and the rest are drama filler. Pick your own favorite at this point. I'll just say this. If I were in Jason's shoes, and as obviously determined as he is to propose to whomever is left standing at the end of this show, I'd have pulled the trigger last night. Huh? What? No, seriously, I mean it. When the wingman was pimping Nikki in the deliberation room I would have nodded at him and said: "Ya know what, winger, you're right. Nikki's hot, she's got ginormous cans, and she's obviously the loyalty type. I mean, eleven years with one guy and she was never even engaged--shoot, that's loyalty. She seems to understand the challenges of an instant family and what moving in with me and Ty will be like. Ok, I'm done. Stop the cameras--I'm proposing to Nikki!" and I would have walked out and done it. You think I'm kidding? I'm not. If you re so sure you're gonna' propose to one woman after three dates and six weeks, why wait and drag it out? It's not any more loony than waiting two more weeks to do it, is it? It wouldn't be any weirder than a mail-order bride in the old days. That's about what this show is anyway.

Think about it.

2 comments:

AbbyRose said...

Great blog, per usual, and terrific names you have given the gals! Yes, Kari is quite the sleeper on this very sleepy show.

I think that you have a pirate-crush on Nikki, or am I imagining things? :D

There seems to be two set of women on this show ~ those that do not really care for Jason and keep their distance, and those that do not care for Jason but want to "win". I think that your girlfriend falls into the first category by becoming a confidante to Jason, and therefore his lips will stay away from her. No doubt he wanted her to be #5 of the dates that week. Ewwww! Bob + Jason = Blason?

The cheerleader sure pulled out of her hat the desire to be a first grade teacher. I thought she was in wine sales/marketing? Surely she would not be competitive ... being on another reality show to be a cheerleader would not make me think this. Nooo.....

Ha ha ~ I had the same thought when you suggested he had ingested steroids for his new body. Fantasy dates should be interesting!

Thank you for making the show (and my lunch) interesting.

Chancelucky said...

Al Jarreau is a way better singer than Robin Thicke...other than that, this was great fun as always. Stephanie and Nikki are just good tv. I'm pretty sure the producers are doing whatever they can to make sure Jason keeps them on for a bit.