1/5 Bachelor 13--Bachelor....Lite

Damn that Fleiss. Just as soon as I put out a list of what to watch for, Satan Jr. decides because his new Bachelor's a baby-daddy that he can't bring himself to put on his normal circus. I'm getting a horrible feeling that since Jason has a young son that this show is going to be edited like a network version of "Finding Nemo". I know the guy's a dad but come on! How can you produce two hours of slop and tell us just as little as you normally do, but leave out the circus antics to at least entertain us? That's a recipe for bland. I'm all for a more serious Bachelor but if you're going to be serious how about showing some meaningful conversations? We saw two of those. In between it was Bimbo-lite, the girls got drunk...but not too drunk. The flakes made their appearances...but not too flaky. And there wasn't one single stupid human trick--no push-ups, no baton-twirling, beer can-eating, karate, or gymnastics...and not one single bit of singing!? I'm beginning to think Fleiss even enforced a six drink maximum. What the hell is this world coming too?! The Bachelor without stupid human tricks is like watching a PG-version of The Godfather--give me a break!

The whole thing was a shift from the norm. Jason's credentials as a guy who can procreate were firmly established within seconds. Ok, I was expecting that. But then the whole thing shifted to a preamble with the women, and they even bothered showcasing a pantload of them who would get dumped by the end of the show. Was there a point to that? If there is, it escapes me. They spent more time showing Jason reading scripted hyperbole off cue cards when we could have been seeing him interact with the woman. "I know one of these women will be my wife." Is that in the contract? He knows one will be his wife despite the fact he hasn't even met them??? Has Fleiss been keeping this guy locked in his basement? He seems to have Stockholm Syndrome already.

Well, when the Wingman finally gets around to talking with Jason, we get to see a rehash of what actually happened when Jason proposed to DeAnna last season and it was more horrible and excruciating than what was shown at the time. She grinned wildly at him for about a minute while he slobbered all over her and then went down on one knee and made a long-winded declaration of love and THEN she hauled him up and said, "No, I can't. I'm in love with a stoner," or something like that. Charming. DeAnna didn't win many pals with the shorter version of that. The longer version earns her a job in Oz at a certain castle guarded by flying monkeys. Pointless, mean, and even cruel.

Twenty-five minutes of the show are gone and the women haven't even arrived at the mansion yet. Finally the Wingman boots Jason out to the curb and here they come:

Women who Made an Impression:

1) Lauren: One of the few blonds to survive the night. It's her birthday and she's fairly attractive.

2) Melissa: Very attractive girl who had an unremarkable night. Looks like DeAnna's younger sister though. Look out!

4) Sharon: One of several teachers in the bunch. Her eyes were so wide apart she appeared to be staring at 10 and 2. Creepy.

5) Stephanie: Jesus, I thought Eartha Kitt was dead? Yeah, yeah, I know she's a widow. And she got to relate her tale of woe too. (You know what that means?) Her bio says she's 34 but I think they transposed a number. She seemed a good fifteen years-older than Jason but he seemed to really like her. But that doesn't mean some plastic surgeon somewhere still doesn't have some splainin' to do!

6) Molly: This Season's mascot I'm betting. Blandness your name be Molly.

7) Natalie: So blond and tanned I thought she was molded out of styrene. Someone contact Mattel, one of their Barbies is missing.

8) Naomi: One of the few ethnics anywhere in sight. Introduced herself by assuring Jason she was "Amazing." Later in the evening she got drunk but the editing tried to hide it. Hmmm.

9) Megan: Single mom with an impressive rack. Crude, high-handed, and vulgar. Thank god she was there too! Voted out by the other girls--then given a rose anyway. Yaaaayyyyy! The foul-mouthed bitch gets to stay. Huh? When the others girl voted for her she called them "assholes" for it. Hahahahah. I think I like her.

10) Stacia: Single mom of two, seemed nice, sweet and sane. Cut. Why???????

11) Jackie: Stood out for at least taking the trouble to get drunk. Cut.

12) Treasure: Single mom who was attractive and despite the pole-dancer name, pleasant-acting and appeared classy. Cut. Huh?

13) Nikki: Sandra Bullock with more up top. Pageant Queen who acted sane the whole damned time. Gets First-impression-Rose. Also the winner of Barbarossa's Best Rack of the Season Award. But spoke so much of her penchant for watching children she sounded like The Old Woman who Lived in a Shoe.

14) Renee--Certifiable hippie chick. All worried about cosmic energy and all that New Age crap. Yecch. Got cut but I almost wish she didn't. This is looking mighty dull.

15) Jillian: Local hotdog inspector. Came up with possibly the most bizarre method of reading what a guys really like: condiments on his wiener? Are you f@cking kidding me? Pretty though.

16) Dominique: Future Maxim Magazine Cover Girl written all over this chick. Could be Batman's new arch nemesis, "The Giggler!" too. She got cut for talking about toe implants. One of the few actual nuts in the line up.

17) Shannon: Self-described "Tooth Nazi". Need I say more? Stalker with her own Restraining Order too. Got a rose despite breaking the creepy-meter. Someone call Stacia or Treasure and ask them how they feel about that?

18) Erica: 3rd leading vote getter in the women's vote off. Jason kept her anyway. Thank you, Producers.

There was no mistaking the fact the Fleiss and his producer-hooligans are in over their heads with this one. It's obvious they haven't got a clue how to showcase this season because of Jason and his dweeby blandness. Every time some momentum--any momentum!--tried to build, in came the Wingman on that magic carpet of his tapping his glass like Jeeves the Butler and there went the momentum. The producers came up with the dumb stunt of having the women vote out their least favorite Bachelorette and the screwed even that up by giving the woman a rose for being despised. Just bizarre.

The rest of the evening, sans stupid human tricks, looked like a basketball game with two shitty point guards: She steals, no she steals, no, she steals back again! Jason was a walking turnover. With no real conversations to show, and no embarrassingly drunk babes with rotting eggs, it was a grand larcenyfest as woman after woman stole Jason from one another. Zzzzzzzzz. By the way, where was the black chick? It looked like a mayonnaise convention out there.

Somebody needs to give Fleiss a swift kick in his arse. Either tell the lovestory or show us a freak show. Make up your mind, Satan!