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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, May 25, 2009

5/ 25--Fabulous!

I've been starting and restarting this column trying my level best to not mention homosexuality, but it's a lost cause. Maybe I've gone around the bend but my gaydar is practically broken, and when a raincoat case like Toejam-Tanner is ragging a fellow contestant as "lacking testosterone" I feel justified. Where did Fleiss find this latest crew, a San Francisco parade ground? Let me be clear: the ol' pirate could give a shit if people are gay--couldn't care less. But I'm not sure a heterosexual dating show is the best place for them to be hanging out either. Truth is, perhaps I'm being unduly influenced. The Wench Queen, who professes to have no gaydar, is constantly grabbing the remote, hitting the pause, and screaming: "Did you see that! That guy's gay!" every time one of them makes a swishy gesture. It's also possible that not a single one of them is gay and the singular lack of testosterone in the bunch is being caused by Dave, the Neanderthal trucker sucking all the precious hormone out of the air so he can get drunk and pound his chest like a Silverback Gorilla. Whichever, it's making for one confusing viewing experience.

This weeks show opens with the standard pablum recap before the guys find themselves booted down to a bunkhouse that an ABC press release says they will call the "animal house." ABC can just excuse the shit out of me but I'm dubbing the place: The Tool Box, based on what I've seen of these losers. Wingman Harrison makes an appearance to reel off the date calender for the week; 3 dates, 2 group dates, a 1 on 1, and not everybody gets a date this week. And anybody on a 1 on 1, it's get a rose or go home. Harrison also lets them know that any early rose pickers get to move into the mansion with Jill.

Scavenger Hunt

This actually threatened to be halfway entertaining for about five minutes. Jillian lounges around the pool in high heels like she usually does in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan or wherever the hell in Canada she's actually from, and the staid old pool party amps up into a find Jillian scavenger hunt. A rather intriguing take on the Amazing Race that started out pretty good with teams of dudes racing around LA looking for clues. But the devils in the execution I guess, because this thing fizzled fast. The Hunt wasn't exactly difficult either. The boys all raced to some restaurant in Mini Coopers and dressed in tuxes. Michael, the breakdancing loser, admitted when Jillian called them on a cell to guide them to her, "I pissed myself." Thanks for the info. Anyway, Brian, the Uncle Jed redneck and his partner, Ed, the Brad Garrett lookalike--looked to be in the lead, but somehow greasy, country-fried loser, Wes, and his erstwhile partner, Brad reach Jillian first and find her waiting in a bank vault for some strange reason. Jillian, who confesses to suffering from "semi badboy syndrome", picks Wes over clean cut, earnest Brad. Insult to injury, Brad is made to sit at the bar playing doorman to the late-arrivers while Jill takes Wes into the vault and makes out with him. Brad and the tail end Charlies all watch them on closed circuit TV and Wes is universally ragged for being here for the 'wrong reasons.' It appears that absolutely everyone, with the exception of Jillian, has figured out Wes is here to try and kickstart his country music career. (She should have looked at his Myspace.) Anyway, Wes, looking like an unmade bed in a tux, nabs the first kiss of the season. Gross.

Ho Down!

While greasy Wes was scoring some smooches, a date card arrives at the Tool Box addressed to Jake, the Cheese Machine, announcing that he will get the one-on-one date. We got see to see last week why Jake was cast for this show, but this week focused on it just in case any of you suffer from Reality Show myopia: Jake will say anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, the producers want him to. Jillian emerges from Casa Canada wearing a horrific set of knee-high, red leather boots. Now your ol' redbeard here doesn't know dick about Womens Fashion, but chicks and leather? Yeah, I know that. And I know knee-high boots with three inch heels are supposed to fit a woman snugly about the legs. These things looked like they belonged to Jillian's older sister. I also know that boots like that look good on tall, leggy women. Jill, whose about five-foot nothing, looked like she was wearing garish hip waders to go trout fishing. (Somebody in wardrobe needs their asses fired, Fleiss.)

But none of that will even begin to deter the Cheese Machine. Jillian takes him to some country shop and outfits him in cowboy attire. This gives the Cheeser a chance to show off his washboard abs and fake, disingenuous smile. But Jillian hangs all over him nevertheless and then hauls him to the House of Blues for some cozy two-steppin'. Constant voice overs allow Jake to bombard us with superlatives about Jill and about halfway through one date he is predicting marriage. "I hope I'm the one who gets to slip the ring on her finger and propose." Yeah, him and his sacred vows. Good to see the Cheeser takes engagement so seriously. They have some talk and he goes on and on about flying and spontaneously picking Jill up in a limo and flying her to Denmark for dinner or something. She gushes and mid spew he plants one on her. Martina McBride, obviously with plenty of free time on her hands, comes out and lip-synches a few songs while the Cheese Machine makes out with Jill big time.

Harlem Love Machine

Next Jill gets a group date with most of the rest who haven't got their time yet and the producers, just for sadistic giggles, invite the most spastic of the suitors down to the beach for a basketball date. But since spastic street ball just isn't entertaining enough, they also bring along the Harlem Globetrotters to not only humiliate the retards, but also to pass out some love advice. Jillian stands around dressed like a cheerleading elf while the Globetrotters do their ancient shtick and then pummel her boyfriends into humiliation. Thankfully no score was announced. Liberace-Juan demonstrates how NOT to make layups and plays with all the intensity of a hairdresser. The producers also decide this is an excellent venue for the one guy from a country that doesn't play basketball to showcase his talents. Simon the British Soccer Hooligan, subtitle-free this week, tries a few jumpers and can't even hit the backboard. It's a miracle the Globetrotters didn't pass out laughing. The lone player in the group turns out to be Dave, the Neanderthal Trucker who shows off some athleticism and skills to go along with the violent temper he demonstrates later. The beating now over, the Globetrotters pick out the guy they think is best for Jillian. (Heheh, yeah, this show is real.) Unsurprisingly, it's Dave...but he gets no rose. Which makes sense. Unless it doesn't. Jill then drags the remains of her harem down to the beach so the producers can film Mike, the invisible make his move to become visible...by stripping down to his speedos and jumping in the water. Jillian is so impressed by Mike following the producers orders that he gets the date rose for running around in his marblesack and giving Liberace-Juan some beachwood.

They then retire to some rooftop or restaurant and all sit around getting gassed. Simon passes out some shots but then Dave, the Neanderthal swears he saw Liberace-Juan ditch his shot and then act like he took it. The camera didn't see it and neither did anyone else but the Caveman is now enraged! at this perceived sin to manhood and goes onto rag Liberace-Juan to death. Voiceovers are spliced with comments where Dave makes hay: "This guy should go drown himself!" "This guy should get beat up!" and other macho nonsense. Ok, true, if Juan is faking shots he's a candy ass, but the producers need to quit putting meth is this guy's booze. By the time the tirade is over Mike looks like he needs to have a club to drag around. Toe-jam Tanner joins in to question the amount of testosterone that Juan is lugging around. Pretty grim when a guy with a closet full of Prada is questioning your manhood. Jill doesn't care though and have some deep sensitive alone time with Liberace who pecks her lightly on the lips. Fab-u-lous!

Uncle Jed Gets Nekkid!

The rose ceremony party is a bit of snooze. The only points the producers want to ram home is that Dave hates Juan and everyone hates Wes. Bobby the bartender is finally getting a few minutes alone with Jill when greaseball Wes, already sporting a rose, sweeps in and steals her. Instead of telling Wes to drop dead, Bobby just walks off and lets Wes, who has been shacking in the mansion with her the last couple of days, swoop in and take her. Jill doesn't look slightly bothered either and wanders off with His Greasiness. The other guys and Bobby are upset though and all rag Wes as a fake. This was all a set up for a gag the producers tried last season that bombed, and no surprise, it bombs again. The wingman flutters in and brings a ballot box for everyone to vote for the contestant they all want to see go, but then tells them that Mike, Wes, and Cheeser, can't be voted for because they got roses. This make no sense but nevermind. Without Wes to vote for, most vote for Liberace-Juan, but unlike last year the vote is binding. Jill has to waste a rose of she is to save him. Somewhat to her credit, you can see that the vote did not make Jill happy and she gives Juan a rose. This also gives Caveman Dave a chance to gnash his fangs a little more. Out by the pool, Brian, the Uncle Jed Redneck is instructed by producers that things are a bit boring, so he strips down buck-nekkid and hops into the frigid swimming pool in front of everyone. Damn I wish the women would do that on the Bachelor.

Rose Ceremony

Liberace-Juan, Mike the invisible, Jake the Cheese Machine, and Greaseball Wes all have roses.

1) Jesse

2) David. Oogha Booga!

3) Ed. Brad Garrett Lives!

4) Sasha. Is that a guys name? Nevermind.

5) Mark. Who?

6) Toe-jam Tanner. (She is kidding right?)

7) Krypton. No broken heart for him. Strangely absent this week.

8) Reid. Also absent but being mentioned as a 'fan favorite.'

9) Robby the bartender. Getting shut out must pay off.

10) Tanner F. Also near invisible this week.

11) Brad. Not good enough for a date but better than the rest I guess.

Dumped:

Juliene and his great head of hair.

Mathue the misspelled. Manages to bawl a little after dumpage. Wimp.

Brian the Uncle Jed. Well dadburn! Ol' Uncle Jed went and got nekkid for nuthin'! He blames the cold water for a bad...er...impression. "I was shriveled. It made me look like I was hung like a lightswitch!" I'm sure the 99% female audience thanks you for that nauseating image.

Next week: Dave goes postal! See ya then.

5 comments:

AbbyRose said...

Love your write-up ~ I can just imagine everything that happened from your writings without wasting 2 hours watching the purely scripted poorly acted soap opera. :D

Seems like it was the Wes show. Hope Wes felt it was worth it to be on the show to promote his career. Wonder if his audience will be a bunch of bad girls?

So will it be a show of the finalists being hidden like in seasons past (before Brad)?

Until next week, thank you for your hilarious write up! So much better than the real thing. :)

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thank you, dear! Glad you're still reading if not watching. It's been a slow season so far.

Debbie said...

Absolutely LOVED your commentary!

I laughed until I had the hiccups over this: Liberace-Juan demonstrates how NOT to make layups and plays with all the intensity of a hairdresser."

SO MUCH MORE ENTERTAINING THAN THE REAL SHOW!

Stewart said...

..."gave Juan some beachwood" LMAO

Gia said...

Hysterical, as usual! I found your blog last season during the Great Douchebag Debacle and love your observations.

I'm holding out hope that Jillian's not a complete moron and actually keeps some decent guys around (the 2 or 3 that seem to be there, that is), but if she keeps giving that foot fetish dude a rose, I'm going to give up. What a dip. And he's not even cute!