I must have rocks in my head. How many times do I have to watch this quasi-scripted shit before I learn my lesson? One cutesy gal and twenty-five (or thirty) narcissistic famewhores are never gonna' find love during a six week shoot of a reality dating show. But here I sit like a pre-programmed android watching Producer/sleazebucket, Mike Fleiss' latest offering of highly processed cheese. The only difference is that the star of this particular outing comes from north of the border. Jason Mesnick's Canadian castoff, Jillian Harris, assumes the center seat as the Ringmistress of her own gigolo herd, and what a herd it is too: trucking contractors, a commercial airline pilot, a pizza entrepreneur (does that mean the sex is over in fifteen minutes or less or its free?) and a breakdancing instructor. Huh? People still breakdance? I thought that ended with "Breakin' 2--Electric Boogaloo." And here I sit watching. Jeez! And I thought the rest of the country was stupid.
15 minutes of the same old boilerplate
"I'm 100% ready to find love again."
"I'm convinced this can work because I fell in love before."
"I was devastated by Jason but I learned so much about myself."
Hey Fleiss, how about a new writer or two.
Entrada la Wingmanus Weakus
Fifteen more minutes of recycled hyperbole and here comes our favorite Canuck looking like the little sylph she is in a gorgeous white dress. Harrison prepares to welcome the northern beauty but first we get a sneak peek at the stud farm that was recruited to meet Melissa...or Molly...I mean Jillian. The fact that there are zero Canadians included in the line up proves they were all recruited for someone else or that Canadian men have too damn much common sense to get involved in this crap. Regardless, this preview had Mrs. B. sweating a few bullets of whatever hormone women excrete when excited, but the Wench Queen was left with a few questions along with smoldering glands. Funny enough, the questions were the same ones I had. Firstly: What exactly is a Kiptyn? I thought for a minute it was "Lipton" (is he a tea heir?) or was it "Krypton"? (He's a visitor from another world?) I'm not sure of what the answer could be except the fact that this guy's parents were obviously at Woodstock smokin' Oaxacan ditch weed. The next guy was the breakdance instructor. Ok. People take breakdancing lessons in 2009. Did they even take lessons in 1985? I'm betting this guy's biggest customer is the raincoat case who refuses to leave the subway and is convinced the CIA is out to get him. Besides, the guy was a loud-mouthed douche to boot. Moving on: An arrogant New York lawyer? Oh, that's original. Jill's really rolling snake-eyes so far. Ok, Krypton seemed ok but being known as Mrs. Kiptyn Anything would drive any woman to a divorce lawyer...even a spunky Canadian. Then some arrogant nutsack comes out and starts bragging about hopping out of planes and racing cars. Nice. If Fleiss really wants to send some female hearts a quivering, he needs to show some men vacuuming the rug and helping out with the housework. The only women getting wet over some self-involved creep jumping out of airplanes are about twelve.
Harrison finally takes a breath and Jillian manages to sneak out before he can get wound up again, and Jill looks great as expected. Endless boilerplate finally ends before my head explodes and it's time for the boys.
A few that made an expression:
Krypton--Props--at least he didn't call her Melissa. Wench Queen likes him. He'll be around a while.
Bryan the Ball Coach--Picks her up in his arms. She smiles and looks like she wants to say, "Put me down, you asshole!" Hehehe. I like Jillian.
Brian the Redneck--Calls her "hot tub Harris." and later refers to her as a "little minx." Calm down, Uncle Jed. I'm surprised she didn't punch him.
"Stage fright" Dave--trucking contractor who freezes solid when he meets her. Later on he turns on the "honest" charm about being nervous and lands the First Impression Rose. Nervous or an actor? We'll see.
John H.--Earnest nerd. Get hisself dumped pronto. He was a geek but he seemed nice. Considering she kept Senor toe-jam makes me wonder about this one.
Mathue--Comes out wearing a cowboy hat but he's so intense looking he acts like he's making a hostage tape. Could be this seasons Ron, the pissed off divorced guy! We can only hope. Lets hope his parents know more about parenting than they do about spelling though.
Simon--some dude from Yorkshire, England, but you can forget the sexy British accent. This guy had "soccer hooligan" written all over him. His accent was so cockney he needed subtitles. Ha, ha. Sean Connery it wasn't.
Wes--Grungy country musician who looks and acts like he left his smoldering brain cells in an Austin honkytonk. Later he serenades her in an effort to catch some record producers attenton. Fameho. Props though, he's got some talent. Romancing Jillian probably isn't part of his skill set though.
Jake--Airline pilot. Also in the running for cheesiest line of the night. "I could see Jill being my co-pilot." Retch.
Jesse--winemaker--"aspiring Canadian". Hmmm.
Kyle--Nerd-o-Rama. Se ya.
Steve--arrogant Lawyer. Fast track to the exit.
Juan--Wench Queen was heavy breathing over this guy...until he opened his mouth. Our gaydars exploded. Who invited Liberace? Hahaha. I think there was a mix up. Juan must have thought this was The Bachelor and he was going to be romancing Julian. What casting moron was responsible for this? This should be funny. I think Mamasita's gonna' be waiting for those grandbabys for a very loooonnng time.
Tanner P.--Nice looking. Had the Wench palpitating. Slammed Jason for handing Jillian the "friend card" last season. Might be around a while
Greg--Papa Smurf. Hahah. Jillian must be all of a towering 5 foot-tall, and they managed to find some stumpy little dude for her to look dead in the eye. Later he break dances. Strike two and please get out.
The wingman ushers Jill inside and much to her non-performing credit when she tries to give the boys her welcome speech her voice keeps breaking from the nerves. she also appeared to spend the entire night drinking water. Ho boy, that must be a contract violation. Truthfully none of them looked drunk all night. Weird. Anyway, this starts to quickly look like five or six smoothies that have a chance and a truckload of dorks...and the gay guy, of course. And the British hooligan. Wow, you can't say the casting isn't eclectic.
Anyway, they all play steal the bachelorette for a while and then the wingman drops his "surprise." 5 more guys are brought in and Jake loses the cheesiest line of the night award when some goober tosses Jillian a ball and says, "I knew you were a great catch." This guy is still single? You're joking right? Forget my wife, if I tried that line on my dog she'd bite me--and I wouldn't blame her either. My wife? I'd be hearing from her lawyer. No wonder these guys need to come on National TV to get laid. Of the five newcomers that one who stands is out is Tanner F. Unfortunately he stands out for having a massive foot-fetish. Refreshing.
Stage Fright Dave has the F.I.R. One down, nineteen to go.
Ah, the drama. First week in the books and not a single argh! to report. They won't let me down though. My guess is that the Canadian with the common sense walks off into the sunset all by her lonesome this time. This season feels like a bust in the making. Who knows, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that means it will work. It's been so long since one has maybe that's why it feels so weird, or maybe I still have a Jason-hangover. Can't wait to see the ratings. I'm beginning to wonder if this show didn't use up all the goodwill it had with the audience. Time will tell.
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