6/21--Breathtaking Iceland...Oh, and There Was a Show Too

One thing will stay with me long after this turkey-of-a-show has ended and all break ups have been duly reported: damn, Iceland is beautiful...and COLD! Wow, I thought Whistler, Canada looked chilly last season but this place looked like a scenic, volcanic Siberia. Note to self: if ever a chance to visit Iceland arises, make damn sure to schedule the trip in whatever passes for summer there because the Green Bay Packers would freeze their asses off in this place. It's almost a shame the Weather Elf wasn't around for the trip. He could have given us one of his hilarious weather routines: "It's so cold, I've got blue ovaries!" Anyway, the wingman gets things started off by greeting the boys in the center of Reykjavik by a statue. Trying to look hip, Harrison eschewed a coat and settled for jeans and a turtleneck--a decision he appeared to regret almost at once as he rubbed his hands together and practically danced up and down.

Roses are Red and Damn I'm Turning Blue!

Talking fast before his blood congeals, Harrison tells the boys there will be one, 1-on-1, one group, and one of the infamous, 2-on-1 somebody gets hugemiliated dates this week. He lets them know they all need to compose a lame love poem for Ali to 'win' the 1 on 1 date then ducks into a local coffee shop before frostbite sets in. Regular readers of my nonsense already know how I feel about this crap. Most seasons its a love song, this year a love poem--same damn thing but Fleiss appears to think my ears have bled enough already this season so they can read their childish rhymes and not sing them. Like it matters anyway. The winner is preordained. Think they want her naming Mushmouth the winner and screwing up their 2-on-1 glacier battle? Not. The boys move out quickly and start pestering the locals for a quick linguistics lesson in Icelandic to fluff their poems and give them an excuse to move around before they get hypothermia. Several folks try to help them but Icelandic sounds like a mighty jawcracker of a language. They'd be better off trying to bust a rhyme in Arabic from the sound of it, but several will try anyway. Groucho Roberto, who professes to be a regular whiz with languages--demonstrates that Icelandic is definitely not a romance language while Normal-Guy Chris L. sticks to kiddie English and talks about Green Eggs & Ham or something. Somebody finally presses the mute button and Chris N. does get to speak, and I'm certain he wished they hadn't. He is shown mumbling about church bells and his edit for the week is set: he's retarded. Palooka Craig aims for the funnybone and hits my spleen instead, while Kasey Mushmouth gets to rhyme instead of sing and mumbles so incoherently that Fleiss finally hears my pleas and inserts subtitles. Like it mattered. Fleiss' own sound team had no idea what the guy was saying. "Smarmony harmony snicklefrits??" Beautiful stuff. Captain Kirk, who Ali appears to like, hasn't had a 1-on-1 yet, then walks over to Ali and tells her she's got eyes like a root beer float or something. Alleged writer, Frankfurter the Human Cartoon, mimics his move but fills it with cartoonish flourishes, better prose, and hams it up, but to no avail. You didn't actually think you were going to get a second 1 on 1 just because you're a better writer and performer, did you Frank? Nah, of course you didn't. Captain Kirk wins the date for walking over to her and holding her pointed chin while he waxed poetic. Fine, better than singing.

Searching For Warmth and Finding Mold

What does one do when in Reyjkavik on a 1 0n 1 romantic date? Go sweater shopping. Not that I blame them of course. I read somewhere that Icelanders have the highest per-capita alcohol consumption of any humans on the planet, and now I understand why. I wouldn't have blamed these two if they'd gone shopping for a kerosene heater and a few bottles of Stoli. But they stick to clothing and Kirk hops around with his child-like enthusiasm and they try on dorky sweaters. A steady drumbeat of skepticism from Ali Cat lets us know some big reveal is coming too. She takes him to a private chalet for dinner and he tells her a serious story of nearly dying of mold poisoning. I've known people who suffered with that. Dangerous stuff. It's a good story of perseverance, and Captain Kirk makes up for the macrame scrapbook a little bit. Strangely enough, they both appear sober, which is odd when compared to how drunk Ali's going to look shortly, but the rose is never seriously in doubt.


The Blue Skin Lagoon

While Ali and Kirk have been storing body heat, the Group Date card arrives. Moving out onto the frozen tundra will be: Groucho Roberto, Normal-Guy Chris L., Semi-mute Chris N., Palooka Craig, Tennessee Ty, and the Frankfurter. This means the 2-on-1 get lost date will feature crazy-assed Kasey Mushmouth and smarmy-assed Wrassler creep, Justin. The wrassler gets his smirk on early and plays his trump card. He hobbles over to an Icelandic doc-in-the-box and has his cast removed. "That's one small step for Justin; one giant leap for Rated-R." Listen, you douche; you're not allowed to make any allusions to the Apollo Program. The only thing you have in common with real men who risked all for the moon is that they might have accidentally collected your head on the surface thinking it was a moon rock. Anyway, Frankfurter, obviously desperate to do anything to convince the producers to let him leave, plays Life Coach to Mushmouth, who is looking crazier by the second. Frank helps the narrative along by asking him about his tattoo and letting Kasey mumble incoherently about guarding her heart again. Damn! Can we please get to the tundra? They try and block me with more mumbling, but since I'm writing this, I'm going there anyway. Up yours, Fleiss!

And when I said Tundra, I wasn't joking. Ali awaits them in a frozen wasteland with some Siberian ponies (Yes, I checked) and they all go for a ride. Since his singing is so putrid, this is the big chance for Tennessee Ty to take center stage and prove what a cowboy he is. He takes the lead and helps Ali onto her pony and runs around helping people out because he's from Tennessee, where everyone knows how to rope and ride except most people. Normal-Guy Chris L, looks much like the Massachusetts clam-digger he claims to be by nearly falling and splintering his tailbone on the ice sheet they're riding on, but makes his escape anyway. She then leads them to a hole in the ground and its time to go frozen spelunking. Normal-guy Chris goes first so he can steal 5 seconds with her at the bottom of the hole. Her hands are frozen like a Popsicle when she descends so he risks frostbite by giving her his gloves, which impresses her. Seeing this, every other douche races to bury her in clothing, except for the Frankfurter, who lays back. Privately, he moans about how group dates suck and goes on another of his now familiar jealous rants. She answers with one of her own and says he "disappeared" on the date. Their spelunking adventure over, Fleiss gets them to the Blue Lagoon hot springs so Ali can strip down and get near-naked and totally drunk. Ty, being the cowboy hero of the moment, gets 1-0n-1 time first, but I can't remember anything that was said. Chris L gets his shot and she asks him about his past relationships. Wow, really? He's been there for 4 weeks and had a 1-on-1 date with you and you're just asking this? Anyway, he shoots up red flags by admitting he's always tried to change for women. They make out so Frankfurter can melt down. He finally gets his 1-on-1 time and she orders him to "step up" like a football coach. Go on, Frank, grovel at her feet while she's tonguing other dudes in plain sight. What the hell is wrong with you? Frank vows it's a wake-up call and doesn't act surprised when Tennessee Ty gets the rose. Much to the chagrin of the female audience, we see little of Groucho Roberto. Sorry gals, you'll need to re-watch last weeks Lion King date if you want to see his beefcake, Fleiss is busy showing crazy at the moment.

Stranded at Santa's Workshop

One thing we can always count on this show for is it's cruelty. When it comes to dumping people, sometimes Fleiss comes close to executing the departing just for our amusement. And when you consider the sanity of the guy he's about to shitcan, I think you can imagine just how few Christmas cards Fleiss gets, despite his billions of dollars. Ali takes the Mumbler and the Smirker out to an active volcano via helicopter, and I have to say its one of the more impressive sights this show will ever capture. Not content with flying around it, the chopper actually lands on the volcano. A private interview with Ali lays out the score pretty clearly: "All Kasey has to do to get a rose is act normal." Sorry, babe, that's like asking a mouse to act gigantic, but it should tell you how she feels about the Wrassler. They all leave the volcano for a glorious glacier where the Icelandic Tourism Bureau has carved out an ice cave for them complete with ice furniture. Wrassler goes first with her while Mushmouth waits outside in the cold shooing invisible mosquitoes or whatever he does when he's alone. The Wrassler hits her up with what she wants to hear (i.e. he talks about HER and not himself,) and she's too young and stupid to see she's being played. She then wanders out into the deep freeze and has a sit-down with Mushmouth so he can mumble some more and then he whips out his tattoo. She goggles at it, and looks like she wants to yell for a cop. Uncomfortable, is a very good word for it. She then hems and haws around like she's talking to an asylum escapee--which she is--before she lines them both up and gives the Wrassler the rose. As the chopper lifts off, Wrassler smirks down at him and a pull back shot shows Kasey standing in the ass end of frozen nowhere all alone. The only thing Fleiss passed on was having the helicopter swing around and strafe him with a machine-gun. But if you're worried about him, you can drop him a line. Just address your card or letter to: Kasey Mushmouth, Reindeer Glacier, Reykjavik, Iceland. 320FU. I'm told that Robby the bartender from Jillian's season continues to receive fan letters in the middle of the Canadian Rockies and mail and food drops are regularly made to Payton from Andy Baldwin's season on that aircraft carrier she got stranded on, so he will be fine.

Time to Get Even More Drunk

The party gets going as Ali enters and she tells the boys about Mushmouth and tries very hard not to laugh her ass off about it. The story barely ends when Frankfurter hops up and snatches her away for the 1st private time. He reminds her that he's supposed to step up and they kiss. Frank then gets that look in his eye that every woman understands called male horniness. Ali sensing the Frankster is about to tackle her on the couch and do her, giggles with glee. Frank praises her "brains". Heheh yeah, her brains. Next up is Palooka Craig, who has been expressing extreme nerves that he's about to get dumped and won't be able to fly around the world on somebody else's dime anymore. Give the 'ol Palooka credit though, he comes in with a joke and you can rarely go wrong making a girl laugh. He shows her a pen-drawn tattoo on his wrist that has her breaking up laughing, which tells you just how broke up she is about Mushmouth freezing in that ice cave. Somebody hits the mute button again, and for the first time we get to see a private moment between Ali and Chris N. She asks him about his fun side and the edit makes sure he looks catatonic before responding, "I like Mexican food." Fleiss, you're such a dick. But this does lead us to where the ladies want to go anyway; Normal Guy Chris gets a brief talk where he lies about how willing he is to leave Cape Cod and his old man so he can go collect garbage in San Fran while Ali appears on Dancing With The Stars or whatever. Then, finally, the Wench Queen sits up straight as we get to Groucho Roberto. Ali hauls him out into the cold by the hot springs and they exchange about ten slurred words that amount to her telling him he's too damn good-looking for her. Then they make-out.

Wingman Narrative

For the 1st time this season, there's enough filler-time left over from all the drunken insanity for the wingman to slither onto his cheese throne and feed some storyline to the primary. The whole recap boils down to what they need you to know for the rest of the show: Ali is afraid to fall in love and terrified she won't get loved back. If you've missed the central theme of her edit to this point, there it is all spelled out for you. Nice to know Fleiss thinks you're a blithering idiot, isn't it?

The Least Dramatic Rose Ceremony Ever!

Already safe: Virtually half the cast, including Tennessee Ty, Captain Kirk, and Justin the Wrassler. Which leaves three guys she's drooled over, one guy who cracks her up and is employed as a lawyer, and one guy we've seen speak twice and both times he was made to sound and look handicapped. Oh, the drama was killing me.

Roses:
1) Frankfurter--He's gonna step up so he can step out.
2) Normal-Guy Chris L.--coming to a sanitation truck near you.
3) Groucho Roberto--This guy could go to sleep until the finale.
4) Palooka Craig--cool! A trip to Muslim Europe on the house!

Cut: Guess. He walks out to the limo alone and climbs in as it pulls away. For a minute I think they're going to keep the mute button on but then he speaks, looking dazed at his dismissal but not heartbroken, and says some of the most intelligent things I've ever heard uttered on this show: "This process was just too rushed. Maybe in other, different circumstances I could have opened up more. But this all came too fast." No wonder they didn't let the son of a bitch talk, he's a friggin genius.

Breaking News: Hot off the presses or whatever they call the internet these days. It's just been announced that Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka and his partner, I mean, fiancee, Vienna Sausage Girardi, have decided they have secured adequate Hollywood opportunities and are therefore calling their partnership over. The bad news, he's now free to come swooping in on what remains of Ali's season. Lets hope not. Rumors are also swirling that Jillian Harris and her fiance, Drop-Dead Edward Swiderski are about to raise the white flag too. If we combine this with this season, which is starting look like an all-star bust, it means Fleissmonster and his evil minions are back to where they usually are in terms of success. Just ignore the Jason/Molly wedding, that was obviously a fluke.

Ok, next week, this turkey goes to Turkey and the producers pull an ambush that's guaranteed to wipe that smirk of the Wrasslers face before I have to slap it off him. See ya then, mateys!

7/27--Finale: The Triumph of the Living Dead

What an odd season this was. You would think that the demonic producers would have been in hog heaven; they got the ending they supposedly wanted: an engagement. But noooooooo. They couldn't leave well enough alone. A simple Final Rose Ceremony ending in pronouncements of love and an engagement just wasn't enough for them. They just had to mess with it to create some false drama for the masses. The needless (and pointless) return of the already dumped Reid the Seed, was arranged for our additional viewing pleasure and gave Reid's internet worshipers (The Seedlings) a chance to gnash their teeth and denounce Jillian--a woman they were proclaiming not ten days ago as 'perfect' for their man--as "stupid, classless, trailer-trash" and worse. But such is the chance you take when you sign up for this voluntary crucifixion. Of course, none of this has been helped by the constant drumbeat of 'rumors' about her new fiance, Drop Dead Ed, as a merciless, heartless, user of gullible and innocent women. Haha. Ok. Fans will now waste as much of their lives as they choose arguing over just how much was scripted, acted, or real. Whatever. It doesn't matter now anyway. Show's over and considering the level of anger and joy out there, plenty of people got sufficiently invested in what we were shown to actually give a damn about these people. For Satan Fleiss and his production staff, it's a big Mission Accomplished. The Bachelorette was ABC's second highest rated program of the entire summer just behind Wipeout! and well ahead in the critical 18-49 female demographic. Jill, Ed, Reid, and the fans will just have to get over it. Satan rules the earth in ABC's eyes, and most of you whining, bitching, complainers will be back in front of your TV's next season to see someone else's 'journey' to perdition. We're like crack addicts folks. Wear it proudly.

The Last Chance Date Template

Do I really need to recap this? No. First of all, no one cares about the first hour and a half of these things and unless you've never watched the show before, you know what's going to happen. I will instead produce a brief template of what every one of the Finales look like:

1) Bachelor(ette) meets one of two remaining douches (douchettes) and slobbers over them before taking them to meet his/her family. Ed goes first and wears coconut tits, Kip goes 2nd and doesn't.

2) Family meets and questions said douche (ette) about all manner of crap. Both dudes made adequate utterances of love and seemed sincere. Ed asks dad for permission to marry Jillian; Kip doesn't.

3) Bachelor (ette) meets with family to help decide which person he/she will share a brief engagement with. Family turns out to be no help whatsoever and leaves Bachelor(ette) "More confused than ever". Check.

4) Bachelor(ette) takes both chosen ones to exotic date locales in some tropical paradise where said douches all pronounce undying love and willingness to get engaged. Ed gets a copter ride to a volcano and Kip gets a dinghy ride to a surfboard paddle. Both kiss Jillian incessantly. Kip shows his abs and Ed breaks out the green tighties again to show he means bidness!

5) Bachelor(ette) goes back to each douches bedroom for last second pleas for their love. Kip makes out with her and sounds nearly convinced he needs to marry her. Ed smooches her bunches and makes it clear he wants to nail her, and the Fleiss-Rat provides a hilarious visual of an erupting volcano in lieu of actual porn. Viewers are force-fed the idea that the Chicago Don Juan went off like Vesuvius (amazing Jillian survived the encounter with Ed's Fearsome Firehose of Love) dates over.

6) Ring Shopping. The sacrificial douches, both Bachelor-guys and and Suitor-Ettes, are required to participate in a product placement ad for a ring company, whether they mean to propose or not. Both dudes choose multi-carat diamond rings that will look ridiculous on Jillian's tiny hand for the brief time she will be wearing it.

7) The morning of. Bachelor(ette) awakes refreshed and suddenly clear-minded of who they will spend the rest of the show's required media interviews with despite being 'in-love' with the two remaining clods. Check.

The Demise of (the few) Kryptonians.
Kiptyn from Krypton, gets up, showers (flashes his abs one last time) and says he's ready for what awaits him. Kip's an odd duck and has been all season. He's the one guy everyone seems to agree is nice, good-looking, and possessed of common sense. But he certainly hasn't inspired much passion. I think there are a couple of reasons for this. First, he's seemed a little too aware he's actually filming a dumb TV show. If he ever got drunk or cut a fart or whatever, we were never shown it. He also seemed determined not to embarrass himself or his uppity Malibu family by slobbering ridiculously over Jillian. Second, I assume he was was given the squeaky clean Bachelor-of-the Future edit. The problem with that is that he came across like he was made out of marble. Guys like that are fun for the ladies to look out, but they seem somehow unreal and indifferent. Most people just never bought into him as anything more than an attractive hood ornament. But you gotta give him his props--he never made an ass of himself either and will be the only person coming out of this experience with his rep intact. I'll also give him some props for the dignified way in which he handled himself and his dumpage at the ceremony too. Jill was already waiting for him on some platform in the middle of the swimming pool when he got out of the limo, and unlike other Bachelors, Kip went to her and started a probing preamble of his feelings for her before he fell prostrate onto a knee before the Bachelorette Goddess. Fortunately, Jill is no DeYawna, and she didn't try to bait him into going down onto a knee. Her face is about as difficult to see through as a piece of cellophane and by his third sentence even Stevie Wonder could see what was about to happen. He ended abruptly and let her speak. She let him down as nicely and easily as you could and he drives away and maintains his dignity. Maybe too much dignity. He tried to work up some emotion for the camera but the only one I saw was a sense of relief that this nightmare was over. His fans shouldn't fret. I'm sure he got free of the bubble, went back to his hotel, did fifty ab-crunchers, and had a beer.

Producer Interlude--The Seed at Waterloo--Part Deux

Just as most of the naive home audience was expecting to see Ed pull up to complete the fairytale, up pulls a red minivan and out pops Reid the Seed, dressed like he's been shopping at a thrift store for the homeless. Reid tells us in private interviews and voiceovers that he had "to pull a lot of strings to get back here. I flew home to Philly but just knew I needed to come back and tell her I love her." Really? You had to fly all the way back from Pennsylvania, eh? The producer's didn't just stash you in a nearby hotel for a few days and work on you? Nevermind. Anyway, Reid's back and just who was pulling what and whose strings is more than debatable. But the wingman greets him and tells him he hasn't much time. Reid smooths his mismatching suit coat and slacks, runs a hand past his unshaven face and through his bed hair, and marches out to the gangplank. Jill smiles at his appearance but seems confused as he joins her on the plinth. I've been wondering all season just how good an actress Jill is, and now I know: she isn't. She clearly didn't know he was coming. Meryl Streep isn't that good. They talk and Reid, acting like the producers put LSD on his cornflakes, seems convinced that if he just tells her that he loves her, that she'll dump everyone else and pick him. The stale breath of Satan's sirens still ringing in his ears, he confesses his love and Jillian looks like she needs a ventilator. The only adjectives to describe Jillian's face next are shock and horror as Reid plummets to a knee and hits her with a quickie marriage proposal. Much to her credit, Jillian splutters in shock and reaches over and hauls him up as quick as she can. Stunned, she tells him she needs to think and wanders back into the house while he waits for her on the plinth.

Enter Wingmanus Repairus

Jill collapses on a Bahama couch in the bungalow and in slithers the wingman. Now, the next conversation may have lasted three full hours, but what we were shown, lasted all of thirty seconds:
Jill: "How am I supposed to make a decision like this?"
WM: "When you woke up this morning did you want Ed to propose to you?"
Jill: (Smile breaking out) "Yes."
WM: "Then you know what you have to do."
Jill beams

(See ya, Reid)

She walks back out to where he awaits her and once again, dumps him as kindly as possible. They hug for what seems like forever and she walks him back to his special, alcoholics-only taxi--complete with it's own booze bar. He stops her at one point and says: "But...I don't get it!" Yeah, I bet you don't. The serpent-like words of the producers still ringing in his ears: "Go on, Reid! All ya gotta do is tell her you love her! It's YOU she wants; she told us!"(Why Reid's fans are mad at Jill and not the producers is a mystery to me.) She deposits him in the taxi and he opens that bottle as they drive him away. I went to ABC's website and watched the "Diary of the Departed" and they obviously gave Reid the grand tour of the Big Island. By the time the sun was setting outside the cab, Reid was soused and feeling vengeful" "She made a major mistake! I mean a HUGE MISTAKE! Ed? Fuck Ed!" Argh! You tell em Reid! You just got trashed on national TV. You got every right to be pissed. Reid Rosenthal, you gullible bastard, you've just made a Pirate-fan! I wish more of these guys would get angry and the first one of them to direct it at the production staff who just screwed them wins my special Pirate Award. I wish one of these guys would take about five steps with the Bachelorette toward the limo and then sprint over to the wingman and punch Harrison right on the mouth. I'd download that video from youtube and watch it every single day for the rest of my natural life.

Jillian wanders back out to plinth and sighs: "Ed better not fuckin' let me down!" Haha. Some people are trying to say that her dropping the f-bomb at the ceremony is evidence of her trashiness. Well, these people need to yank the broomstick outta their asses, as far as I'm concerned. That was about the most honest utterance Ive ever heard at one of these things.

The Army of the Dead

Drop Dead Ed shows up in his limo in triumph and his dwindling Dead Army cheers. The wingman greets him and Ed heads inside to Jill, his head up and hands thrust into his pants pockets. He actually walks with a bit of a swagger and shows some confidence. (Did she let him know it was him? Likely, I think). But Ed also has a plan and like Kiptyn, won't go down until she gives him clearance to fire. He starts his preamble: "I love you. I want to spend forever with you...but...before we go any further I need to hear what you feel about me?" ARGGHHHHH! Damn straight! No man in his right mind would drop to a knee and ask that question unless he was 100% sure of her answer. Jillian caves in like a coal mining tunnel dug in beach sand: "I love you madly!" They kiss and she leaps up onto him and wraps her legs around his waist, "I've been dying to tell you forever!" He puts her down and slips down to a knee. Before he can get the ring box out she's letting out that dolphin-squeal of hers and thrusts her left hand under his nose. (Way to make him sweat Jill) He pops the question and she screams: "Absolutely!" The last thing we see on the broadcast is Ed putting her up on his back for a piggyback ride and running down the gangplank with her.

My sister-in-law turned to me and said: "But I don't see her and Ed making it." I informed her that since the relationship record on this show now stands at a ghastly1 for 17, that prediction isn't going to win her the Nostradamus Award for clairvoyance. But for those people who say: "Finding love on this show is impossible!" Well, once, long ago, a woman who wanted to go to Hollywood and be a star became the Bachelorette. She picked a soft spoken fireman from Vail, Colorado. Shockingly, she moved out there with him and a year later they were married. That was two kids ago, so impossible, is a proven misnomer. Miracles happen--they're rare--which is why they are thought of as miracles--but wouldn't it be funny if the third string gal from Canada broke the drought? Then again, they may be done already. Ya just never know.

Ok, tomorrow, a brief recap of ATFR. See ya then.

7/20--Planet of the Apes

Anyone doubting the foresight of Charles Darwin should have had their doubts laid to rest last night, and anyone who seriously questions the venality and sadism of this shows producers would need their heads examined after witnessing that beat down of defenseless country-fried loser, Greaseball Wes. The crooner with no brain was left with no character intact after incurring producer wrath by not attending his own specially arranged second funeral last night. Leading the beating of the mentally challenged was show host, Chris "Wingman" Harrison; wielding his voice like a scythe, the wingman sighed, preened, and dripped sarcasm from his fangs like a deadly serpent; and helped along by the willing class of well-trained apes, they exhumed Wes' dessicated carcass, burned it, and buried it in a shallow grave. What an idiot Wes is. He wouldn't have been allowed to say much in his own defense that made it to air, true enough, but at least he could have done some rehab. Instead, he abstained, pissed off the powers that be, and refused to even appear in his own defense. Whoever is advising Wes needs to be fired, pronto! That was like try to surrender to a gaggle of club-wielding gorillas. You might as well throw your hands up and go down fighting. Without Wes to pick on in person, Harrison was reduced to picking fights between the show apes and letting them duke it out over "The Man Code", and desperately trying to launch the future Bachelor career of Jake, The cheesmachine, Pavelka. Nausea grips me as I type that, but the stars are aligning that way, I'm less than delighted to report.


Jill's Private Interview

This served a few purposes: first of all, it got to introduce a little foreshadowing of next weeks finale and the return of fan-favorite, Reid the Seed.

Jill: "I was ready to let everyone go; but I wasn't ready to let Reid go."
Wingman: "Reid couldn't be with us tonight, he had a prior engagement. (Wink, wink)

It also set the tone for the fights the wingman was going to pick, but it's most important contribution, was to introduce the outtakes for the year. These were funny, at least to me. But I'm a guy. And I'm beginning to think Jillian is too. Fart jokes abounded, including Jill pulling the wingman's finger. We got to see that Reid dances the Hula about as well as Jill, which is to say Badly! But to this old pirates eyes, we may have inadvertently witnessed the end. What do I mean by that? Hmm. Well, we got to see Drop Dead Ed plastered like one of the great statues of Europe and Jill's reaction to that stunning level of his inebriation. After seeing Ed barely able to speak, picking her up in his arms in a hotel hallway while she squealed, "Ed! Short dress Ed!" and then watch him morph into Ed, The Dancing Bear, I'm of the opinion that if Jill ever saw Ed passed out face down in a galleon of his own vomit she'd think it was 'cute'. I guess if I was a decent writer, I'd save my finale predictions for the last paragraph, so you'd read to the end, but I'm not. There comes a time when all men act like total fools, and only a woman who loves you, still accepts you anyway. Someones got a bad case of Ed, and that someone's name is Jillian. If these two are together more than a few weeks, I'm looking forward to the youtube videos of Jillian passing out laughing while a drunken Ed lights his own farts--she might even pull his finger for him. Back to the important stuff. We get to see Jill taking dating advice from a Harlem Globetrotter. 'Absurd' is obviously not a word in Mike Fleiss' language. And an unseen visit on Kip's hometown date leads us to his charity HQ. Kip, as he has all season, comes off smelling like a rose. Mr. Perfect marches on. And one of his female coworkers sure looked in love with him too.

Jason and Molly return!

Fascinating.


deus ex (Cheese) machina

The wingman's 60 minutes portion of the show opens with a gang-up on Jake, the cheesemachine. Tanner F.--a guy who was dismissed early, and I could never figure out why--becomes a virtual Master of Ceremonies, and leads several assaults against his namesake, Toejam Tanner, for ruining his name as a foot freak--and then rags the Cheesemachine for pulling "a Mesnick" and collapsing over the balcony and bawling. Hey! Has Tanner F. been reading my blog? Make up your own damn lines, Tanner. Caveman Dave, now sporting a beard to make him look even more like a neanderthal than before, joins in the gang rape. Sasha the incredibly boring, launches the last blow by telling Jake how plastic and fake he is and always referring to himself as "Too perfect". Jake, unable to deny a word of it, tells Sasha to "Fuck off!" The nearly all-female audience cheers and lowers my faith in the fairer of the species. Later, Cheeser slithers into the Lukewarm Seat, watches some clips of his horrible acting, and takes the magic question from a producer-plant in the audience: "How would you feel about being the next Bachelor?" The gullible (or well-paid) audience cheers and the Cheeser hems and haws in his aw shucksness way before concluding that it: "Would be an honor." Ha ha, ok.

The Silverback Gorilla Steps Forward

Next up for some wingman desecration, is Caveman Dave. My thoughts on Dave aren't going to be terribly PC. I've said in past columns he's a guy with a drinking problem, and there's little doubt his I.Q. isn't much higher than a grapefruits, but a few things do come through in his defense. Dave was dumb enough (and drunk enough) to think dating on a reality show is supposed to be like dating in real life. The audience, and his man code buddies, all jumped on him when the scenes of him drunkenly pawing Jill were shown. Fair enough. He was, and is, an ape. However, he tried to defend himself with logic that had more than ring of truth to it. Had he been dating Jill in the real world for a month, and told her she had a great ass, the heavens wouldn't have tumbled downward. The women in the audience all acted shocked--shocked! I tell you, that a guy dating them would have the crassness to tell them they had a great ass and that was grounds for an instant break-up. The truth, we all know, is that if you don't tell your girlfriend that she has a great ass, that that is grounds for an instant break-up. Dave's just too stupid to know the difference. Anyway, they all jump on him and he apologizes. Ya can't fix stupid, buddy. Oh, and please see a doctor about that single-eye-slow-blink thing you got going on--it's creepy. and you don't need any extra help there.

Jill Comes Out

Nothing new to report: Dave apologizes, Jake churns some more butter, Liberace Juan gets his beard-on by slobbering over her feet, and Breakdance Michael keeps up the good edit (just in case plan C is put into operation) and she recaps the season. They're all nice to her because she is. There is no mention of 'engagement' or that she is actually with someone, only the 'happy' comment again. Make of that what you will.

In between everything I've wrote is the constant drumbeat of Wes is a loser. I didn't feel the need to recap it. The guy is toast and his managers better get their heads out of their asses. He's in the perception business, and right now, he'd rank just below Hitler with Israelis who watch this crap. He and his handlers passed up a chance to try and redeem himself before the audience he was ruined in front of--millions of them. Instead he ran to Reality Steve and whined about the edit to a few thousand geeks like me, some of whom actually understand how this show slices and dices people's words to crucify them. Big deal. The truth doesn't matter, Wes; perception is the truth in your business and you've got a long way to crawl out of the hole you're in. Toejam even commented in an interview after the taping that he and Wes went out in Dallas and women were coming up to the Greaser and telling him he was douche bag to his face. Try selling them one of your CD's, Wes.

Previews

Ok, this is actually what most of us watched for anyway, isn't it? Well, Kiptyn from Krypton still looks perfect I'm happy to report. (Kryptonians Rejoice!) The most negative thing we've seen about this guy is that he doesn't have great balance on a rope bridge. Horrors! Refused to Stay Dead Ed, I'm happy (or cringing) to report, is going to wear those green shorts again. They both get to meet Jill's parents and there's lots of crying and whining at the Final Rose Ceremony...and lastly, Reid the Seed is shown in the last two seconds pondering over some kind of ring. (Seedlings Rejoice!)

So, nothing more to do but wait for the end (and the leaks from the filing of ATFR) to tell us who the winner is and what kind of dating arrangement has been worked out(if any). I will say this however, no matter what happens at the end, Jillian has been my favorite Bachelorette. She may go on to mini-fame doing commercials and whoever she picked and her may not last till the end of the ATFR, but I don't care. Unlike other bloggers I could mention, I like her. Pirate kisses to you, Jilly, and good luck.

Next week: The Final Five Minute Twist! See ya then!

7-13--As the Stomach Turns

Pretty obvious what you need to do when you have no love to sell, isn't it? You declare your "reality show" a Soap Opera and you hire Jerry Springer to direct it. Flim-flam moves become the default course of the day: Ed comes back! Cheesemachine comes back! Now? Reid comes back? Is this all ya got Fleiss? Cut guys returning like bargain basement superheroes to save the day; country music douche bags being edited to look like cartoon villains, and now... a computer nerd being reduced to cinders for having dead dick at the ripe 'ol age of 29? I was actually expecting Bret Michaels to pop out of the Fantasy Date closet to give poor ol Ed a hand with Jill. He would have demolished her all right. Maybe that's the ending they're going for: Bret Michaels comes in the last five minutes and sweeps Jill away from these other whiny dudes and spirits her away on his Harley for a wild, three week fling. Probably more entertaining than what's coming. Especially for her.

A Casual Fantasy

First up is the casual, somewhat indifferent Malibu snob, Kiptyn from Krypton. The guy with the superhero name drops in on Jill and they trade hugs over an expansion bridge while Jill informs us how 'perfect' this guy is again. He then picks her up and kisses her...sort of. Ok, enough is enough!! Will somebody--anybody!--pick this little elf up and kiss her like they actually want her! Jesus Christ! Where did Fleiss find these guys--a nunnery! Thirty guys and every damn one of them has pecked at her like she's a chicken! I know Jill tends to pull off and had a 'no tongue' rule on the Cowboy Soap Opera Date, but this the final frigging 3! I got some bad assed news for all ya'll: if I hadn't seen her in more than two days, she'd be in for it! And I don't care if she pulled back. This is supposed to be a romance show. Erica Kane kissed all 15 of her TV husbands with more passion that this! Somebody man up! They need to have a contest. Get the wingman and a film crew and reshoot whatever bullshit ending is coming our way. The rules are simple: First one of you eunuchs who kiss this babe like you wanna' have her, wins! It's disgusting! Ahem. To resume. Ok, Jill takes Kip to some crummy pole climbing thingie where they have a leap of faith moment. Yeah, yeah, it was all about trust. ZZZZZZZ. Now it's off to a luau where we get to hear again that Krypton has never had his mechanical heart broken before, and this worries Jill, because he might dump her before she can dump him or whatever. The wingman moves to save the day by sending in the 'ol sexcard and Jill tells him "I adore you." He kisses (and misses), but he does take her up to the Fantasy Suite and since the cameras actually left, I assume he got some. Date over.

The Seed at Waterloo

Ok, Reid's turn. Compared to the other two (especially the Dead Guy) he comes off like Odysseus before the Gates of Troy. He greets Jill next and manages to kiss some of the Kiptyn off her face. He actually kissed her...sort of. Ok, he wins. He then cracks a few funny jokes and a helicopter arrives. They carefully check the chopper for airsickness bags, Depends underwear, and a first-aid kit before he climbs in. After methodically checking the pilot's license, our Greek Hero is finally spirited up, up, and away. "We flew over all these beautiful scenes of Hawaii but we only have eyes for each other," Jill squeals. No one told her it was because Reid was scared to look out, but whatever. They circle around the island and then the pilot announces that he is an ordained minister and offers to marry them. Reid nearly swallows his tongue choking and probably broke in those Depends they brought along. Reid finally escapes the helicopter and they sit and have a talk...er an inquisition. She puts on a relentless full court press to get him to admit he loves her...or really likes her...or would like to go and get a lemonade later. Reid, sounding shockingly sane, won't commit to much as evening finally falls. For some odd reason this guy feels rushed. Can't imagine why. I've often confessed true love on the third date to a woman I've never even had sex with. What a weirdo this guy is. Anyway, instead of yelling with glee that she finally found a sane one, Jill instead expresses doubts about him. But that doesn't stop her when the ol sexcard arrives! She hauls him up to the Fantasy Suite so she can interrogate him some more. He still can't declare his true love so she hauls him into a bubble bath and somebody finally dismisses the cameras, so presumably, she can sample some of Reid's Seed. Hope she got her fill; cause that's all for this week.


Ed's Dead...from the waist down

So, this is the Lothario of the Windy City, eh? The Terror the Midway? What do you wanna' bet that Chicago is demanding a recount as we speak? Jill takes Romeo Ritchie out on the open water where Ed gets to show off a pair of shorts he stole from Greg Brady's closet. I haven't seen shorts that high and tight since my 8th grade basketball team. Shamrock green with white pockets, fittin' nice and tightie? Dr. J wouldn't have been caught dead in those. Either the leaks about this guy are bullshit or the women of Chicago got some 'splainin' to do! Anyway, she takes him out on a catamaran and they go swimming in some beautiful water and he tells her 'he' flew his parents to Hawaii to meet her. Uh-huh. (If he had that much spare change he could have bought a decent pair of swim shorts.) She squeals and they go to meet the folks. Mom looks like she's gonna' faint the entire interview and dad asks the million dollar question: "What are we doing here?" Good question, pops. Your kid doesn't seem to have any idea either. Ed finally let's us know he salvaged his job (and lost his girlfriends I assume) and he's really serious about Jill. Mom and Pop do their best to act like the believe any of this and Jill takes Ed down to the beach so she can hand out the ol sexcard. Ed says the magic words: "I love you."

Chicago Hangs it's Head in Shame

Jill takes the Dead One up to the Fantasy Suite where they oil each other up with lotion and...go to to sleep? THUD. Oh my, oh my. Canada sends a cute little elf down here and this is all we got? This was practically an international incident. I'm expecting an apology from the Oval Office before nightfall. The Terror of the Midway needed a nap? Jill, however, can't seem to make up her mind whether to bury him for the insult or to defend a guy she obviously likes: "There...there was just no passion...but, but, we were both really tired...and sunburned! Yeah. He was really sunburned!" (Shakes head) As I type this, there are sixty thousand U.S. troops along the Khyber Pass in Afghanistan, humping it up mountain passes with fifty pound rucksacks on their backs and engaging Taliban militants in deadly firefights. If the Fleissmonster wants some action, he merely needs to drop Jillian and a keg of Budweiser into one of those forward operating bases at dusk. If he'll supply the chaplain, he can have the nuptials and she can have the most exhausting honeymoon she could ever imagine before daybreak. It would only be two, maybe three episodes long, but can't you just imagine the scene: Fierce, drunken fistfights and gun battles that would have Caveman Dave running over the nearest hill looking for his mommy; followed by a quickie wedding, and wild-assed honeymoon once the dust settled and the wounded were evacuated. Those Marines could do all of that and still go out on patrol the next morning, and we're supposed to believe that Ed was sunburned? Work on it, Chicago!

The End of the Honey Bear

Jill has a sit-down with the wingman and after confessing Ed's dead in the rack, he plays her some videos the boys recorded. Kip goes first and keeps up the good-looking blandness. Reid is next and although he stubbornly refuses to get into the Bachelor-bubble and confess his love, he does crack the Wench Queen's heart by asking her not to cut her "honey bear." Ed goes next and since my notes got a coke spilled on them, I'll have to wing this one from memory: "I...I, I can get wood! Honest to Pete! I'm...I'm not gay! Don't think I'm gay! I've got a hundred women back in Chicago who can tell you I'm a great lay! And, oh yeah, I love you!" (Pretty close anyway.)

Rose Time

The boys all show up, and Ed, obviously thinking his dad hasn't disowned him yet, shows up dressed like the Easter Bunny. Producers look at the clock and yell: "Fill, fill!" So Jill hauls Peter Cottontail aside and they discuss why he wants all the women in Chicago but not a Canadian. He tells her what she wants to hear and here we go:

Jill: "Kip, will you accept this rose and keep being too perfect and allowing your family to look down on me? And will you continue to allow me to get away with making constant references to your lack of fortitude every time I see you?"

Kip: "Sure, whatever."

Jill: "Ed, do you promise you actually want to have sex with me, cause my self-esteem couldn't get any lower if you sent it straight to hell."

Ed: "Absolutely! And ignore the suit; I seem to have left my good ones all over Chicago."

She then takes the stunned Reid aside while his Seedlings cry a river and they have a long sit-down where little is said. Reid then gets in the limo while she bawls her head off, and proceeds to kick his own ass: "I should have told her. I'd reverse it if I could." (Hmm. I'm betting Reid didn't make it to the airport. That bubble is starting to work.) She sits back down and howls so Ed comes over and delivers a few Easter Eggs and then takes her back over to Kiptyn where they all drink the most desultory toast in the history of this show.

Next week: The Men tell All--less Reid, and Wes, and Ed, and Kip. That means two hours of Liberace Juan and Caveman Dave shouting at each other about the 'Man-Code.' Gawd, the crap I have to watch to be able to write this for you, faithful readers. Ok, expect a mighty short recap before we see if Reid is suitably brainwashed enough to come back and propose and if Ed is finally gonna' lay the wood. See ya then!

6/29--No "Reality" Required

I used to think Scrubs was funny, and I've always been partial to Rules of Engagement, even though I despise David Spade, but I just got a lesson in first rate Hollywood comedy last night. Yes, the writers of the Bachelorette really outdid themselves this episode. Between the Producer's slice and dice audio editing of Greaseball Wes, their hilarious manipulation of compliant actor wanna-be, Jake, the cheesemachine, and their staged return of Drop Dead Ed, they fired every barrel in every gun they had. It was like watching the Three Stooges go through every one of their best routines in rapid-fire succession for two hours. Somebody has got to win an Emmy for this one. Romance however? Hahah, what's that? Man, I've seen more romantic trainwrecks. But as far as silly-assed shit to blog about, well, Mike Fleiss, I owe you one.


Hometown Dates ala Speedy Gonzales

Joe Friday must have been the director of the first half of this episode because Just the Facts, was definitely the theme here. I actually went back and re-watched the first part of this comedy extravaganza online because I nearly missed it all by blinking. By my count it was 4 of 5 hometown dates all done in less than one hour. Ok, gang, fair warning: I'm about to begin the recap. Do not: go to the bathroom, the fridge, draw a deep breath, or blink too languidly or you'll have to read this all over again. Ok, ready, set, go!

Reid the Seed: Jill meets him Philly--it becomes a product-promo for his families real estate business. Family is nicely upscale, normal-looking, and classy. Brother's and dad all pretty much imply Reid is an indecisive, commitment phobe. (Sub-theme: Reid can't commit) Granny comes in unexpectedly and throws Reid a surprise 30th birthday party, despite the fact I'm not even sure it was his birthday. Mama and Granny yenta drive home the point that 30 is too damn old to be single and he needs to get his ass into gear. They all love Jill. They kiss and coo. Reid's female fans (hereby known as The Seedlings) can all now begin gasping about their "amazing connection". Date over.

Breakdancing Michael: It's Babes in Toyland as Michael and his not-very-identical-identical-twin, Mark, both jump around like it's time to go the Skate Station Party. Jill shows up and reads them a story. No, I'm kidding, but you get the idea. (Sub theme in this one? Dating high-schoolers is against the law.)The twins try the 'ol switcheroo to fool Jillian and she remains flummoxed for nearly an entire nanosecond. Michael's sister, who is supposedly in Australia, shows up and the entire family and Jillian get drunk and dance. Twin brother talks with Jill and she needlessly admits that: "Age is a factor." Bro gleefully tells her that both he and Michael dreamed of being wedded in the first grade. Jill is relieved that Michael is so serious and they all play Pin-the-Tale on-the-Donkey. Jillian then gambles and risks getting arrested for a violation of the Mann Act, by kissing Breakdance Boy...finally. Wet dreams are a certainty as she's whisked away.

Kiptyn from Krypton: Kip shows up near the beach to gather Jillian and his bevy of female worshippers (now called Kryptonians) all gush at his shadowy face, and six-pack abs (which is all we know about him) and then its off to meet his perfect family. (Sub-theme in this one? Jill is afraid she's not good enough for him and the family). Kip's step dad and mom show up and I think it's pretty gracious of the family to get mom out of cold storage for the show, because this woman has definitely been embalmed. (Note to Mrs. Krypton: lose the number of that plastic surgeon for a while. If that skin on your face gets stretched any tighter, your skull is going to pop out.) The parents, being cards, take Jill out back to a roped-off hot tub presumably so she won't try and rape their son on the their property. (Well at least they've watched the show, and a fat lot of good that did anyway). Jill is then put through the critical test of being able to match the proper wine with the proper pasta dish and this is played out with the drama of a police line up. Joan Rivers, trying to behave like a real mother-in-law, then takes Jill aside for some pushy questioning and implication that her Canadian, rednecked-ass ain't good enough to be a Kryptonian. Kip then ignores the police barricades and hauls Jill into the hot tub where they do some more bad kissing. Date over.

Jesse the Winemaker: Jesse shows up on a John Deere tractor and Jill gets to the see the family vineyards. She also gets to meet Jesse's brother, who's funnier (and according to Mrs. B) a damn sight hotter than his normal-guy brother. (Sub theme: Stick a fork in this guy; he's done.)I don't remember much about this date except that the brother was trying to be funny and mostly succeeding. They also jammed as a family at the end of the date and it looked pretty cool. Jesse and Jillian? Same as always; two total strangers going through some weird mating ritual. Maybe Jill will actually get a surprise proposal from the Bohemian brother? She looked and acted more interested in him than his little brother. Let the conspiracy theories begin! Date over.

Whew! Ok, there it was, one hour of quality American Television. Now for part two, hereafter known as the part this show was actually about, it's time to pass out some props. Now, I normally rag these producers as soul-less monsters (which they are) but they've managed to pull off one of the great bamboozles in history. They've either found the greatest actress in all of Canada or they actually managed to stage and script a virtual circus all around her, and she had absolutely no idea what they were doing. What's the truth? I have no idea, but Jillian looked completely flummoxed by all of this (with the exception of Drop Dead Ed's return). The rest of it? She looked hooked and landed by the whole thing. The producers do receive severe deductions however by the casting of Jake, the cheesemachine, who doesn't have enough acting talent to get a walk-on part in Gay Porn, but I'm nitpicking. On with the show!

The Show

Jillian shows up in Austin, Texas, and that can mean only one thing: she's in Grease Country. Greaeball Wes, that is. (Sub theme: Wes sucks!) Wes meets Jill and promptly takes her to meet his "family", his band. Yeah, that was a surprise. The Greaser warbles out some of his lame country music and fortunately constant voiceovers and private interviews are intercut to spare us the agony. Wes then serenades her acapella with "her song" for the three thousandth time this season. He sings the only two lines of this opus he apparently wrote while Jill wets herself in disbelief that her 'boyfriend' is actually a failed country musician. The producer assault begins with sliced and diced audio lines that imply that Wes not only has no feelings for her, but that he keeps a harem of groupies in his tour van, and probably has a case of the crabs as well. Is Wes this big a douche? I don't know, but I doubt it. I said last week that it's time for painting Wes as the villain of this piece, and they went all the way this time.

Then, suddenly: "Up in the sky...it's a bird! It's a plane!" Negative. It's a chessemachine. Jake, the cheesemachine, wearing his gay little pilot outfit arrives in Texas like Mighty Mouse about to save the day. He's here not to plead to Jill to take him back, but to warn her about that nefarious no-goodnik, Greaseball Wes, and his traveling orgy of seedy hos. The cheeser not only shows up, he then stops in the airport after making the trip and supposedly called Toejam Tanner, "To make sure I'm doing the right thing?" Huh? The nonexistent Toejam is never shown and Jake marches on to be Jill's Knight in Shining Sharp Cheddar Armor!

Grease vs. Cheese. Winner? Grease

Jill is seated on her couch when the director yells: "Cue door knock!" Jill gets up and in walks the cheesemachine who proceeds to put on 10 minutes of the worst acting I have ever seen in my life. Junior High School plays have better acting than this, but Jillian, acting or naive? laps it all up and starts to believably bawl over Wes's girlfriend, "Laurel." Jake leaves and the Greaser shows up and Jill confronts him and tells him Jake ratted him out. Wes, who does look caught out, lies like his ass is on fire. Jill then calls the cheeser back and the confrontation is on. Jake accuses, Wes denies, and Jill finally just says: "I'll have to go with my own instincts." Translation: Jake, get out! Wes grins at him as she leads him out and then the cheesemachine proceeds to flop over the hotel balcony railing and does a Jason Mesnick Impersonation. (On a believability scale from 1 to 10; a ZERO!) Work on it, cheesemachine, and don't quit your gay pilot day-job in the meantime! Jill then has a seat and Wes not only charms her with some of his folksy oil, he actually turns the tables on her, and pretty much says: "We goin' to my folks or not?" She promptly caves. (Is Fleiss using mind-altering drugs on her?) And off we go to Greaseland!


Greaseland

Wes stashes Laurel in a closet and leads Jill into his version of Elvis' home: Greaseland. Here Jill meets his family, which consists of a bevy of gullible females, who swear to almighty god that Wes is a stand-up guy. Haha. He sucks her naive face off. Date over.


Time to Drop Dead...Again!

Jill collapses on her sofa after showering for three days to get the grease off her skin, and promptly says: "I can't stand anymore surprises!"

Director: "Cue, door knock!"

In what is this season's worst kept secret, in walks Drop Dead Ed. It's at this point that the writers must have just collapsed from exhaustion. Jill looks like she figured this one out in advance, but still can't hide her giddiness at seeing Ed, (who is said all over the Internet, to really be the one with girlfriend at home. Haha. Keeping up?) "Ed, is work better? Did you quit your job? Is everything all right? If I take you back, do you swear to stand by me this time? Are you going to ask to marry me? How sure are you about us?" I wish I could report that Jillian asked any of these questions like she naturally would have, but she didn't. Ed merely says he made a mistake and asks her for a second chance, which she promptly grants.

Rose Ceremony

Yeah, yeah, I know: the wingman actually bestirred himself from wherever he lurks and had a sit down with Jill, but it was nothing but a recap of the previous one hour and forty minutes worth of crap we just watched. He exits the sit down first to let the five remaining victims know that there is actually a sixth, and in walks second chance Ed. Looks of shock and dread abound but with this editing it might have been when the wingman pranced in and cut a sour fart or announced, "Surprise! Jill's a tranny!" for all I know. The only face that seems to be genuine, is Michael, the breakdancer, and he seems to know that Ed is the face of his doom. Jill walks in looking stunning and gets to it.

1) Reid: the Seedlings pant and rejoice!

2) Kyptin: Kryptonians everywhere reload their vibrators with fresh batteries and sing hallelujah!

3) Ed: Second chance is on. Will his girlfriend be invited on the honeymoon?

4) Greaseball Wes: Boo! You suck! Snidely Whiplash gets to go to Spain. But his race is about run.

There you have it, folks. Drama? Yes. Bullshit? Absolutely! Romance? Huh?

See ya next week in Spain.

6-22--Stopping the Feet and Cutting the Cheese

Well, there are two major irritants I don't have to put up with anymore, (Sorta).Two down, about three or four more to go. Canada sure is pretty, however, but I'm ready for a change of pace there too. When they climb into the hot tubs I'm actually waiting for one of them to turn blue. When the wingman pulled Jillian off the train this week, SHE was visibly shivering before he could get her inside. (I think they filmed a little too early in the spring.) But I suppose I'd better shut my hole about frigid Canadian weather because every time I talk about it, a whole host of people of the female persuasion are sure to inform me that despite what I'm seeing (and what I've always heard) that Canada is actually a dry, arid, hellish inferno that routinely suffers temperatures near 99*....in the shade. (wink). So, I guess instead of harping on frozen Canadian weather I'd better spend my time harping on Canadian women of suspect taste in men--and the Tools who want to love them.

Throw Robby from the Train

Well not really, but at least that would have been entertaining, and suspenseful, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the actual date. A private train ride through the Rocky Mountains. This should have been about the most romantic thing you can imagine; the scenery alone nearly had the Wench Queen swooning, but if there was any romance here, I damn sure missed it. Perhaps it's the men. Or perhaps it's the absence of Drop Dead Ed. Early in the episode Jill mentioned missing him and nearly started bawling again. It's pretty obvious he's going to be back and other than Greaseball Wes and the producers sudden decision to introduce him to the axles of a Greyhound Bus, when I'm certain he'd been running his mouth in private interviews about his greasy intentions all along, there isn't much going on of interest. Anyway, the wingman meets the Tools in their Tool Belt in Moose Antler or whatever part of Canada he's had them stashed. He tells them that this week there will be 2 one-on-one dates, and one group date. Jill meets them and they climb aboard a train to visit the Canadian Rockies. But before we can view the magnificent vistas Jill lays the first date card on them. Inter-cuts show the several members of the Tool Brigade, led my Michael the breakdancing teenager and Jake, the ever-disingenuous cheesemachine, swearing to god above that they are gonna' lay it all on the line to Jillian. Bully. But it turns out that the date card is for Robby the bartender, and a more foregone conclusion to a rose date we've have scarcely seen. Jill takes him to a private car where Robby demonstrates what is obviously his one skill in the entire world: he makes them booze. He tries (and I emphasize tries) to teach Jillian how to juggle booze mixing glasses...which she promptly drops. Wow, I've haven't seen glass juggling this entertaining since Tiny Tom Cruise showed his mean skillz in that cinematic masterpiece, Cocktail. ZZZZZZZZZZ. Anyway, Jill tries to inject some fake-drama into the proceedings by saying: "Robby makes me feel 10 years younger." Yep, a regular fountain of youth is our Robby; twenty-five years-old, callow, unemployed, lacking in ambition and seeing nothing wrong with it either. (Thank you, casting department!) Oh, the suspense! I was really on the edge of my seat there. I certainly expected a thirty-year-old woman, professional, accomplished, and in the marriage market to go ape over this guy, didn't you? Jillian performs a mercy killing on this boy that lacks mercy--she dumps him off the train in the middle of the Rockies. Filming tried to make it looked like they stranded him there too. Now that would have been funny. The other guys feign disbelief at the window but actually laugh and do everything but yell: "Get a job, you loser!" One down.

Enter le Greaseball

Greaseball Wes moves to center stage of our consciousness to make up for the lack of actual romance and quite the skeezer he is too. Jill, who is answering week by week the question of why she's still single at 30, lets the country-fried sleazer comfort her after dumping her kiddy bartender. She coos about his good intentions and peals of laughter ring out across the land as she says it too. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt; it's obviously a Canadian thing too. For the first time, the producers begin playing vid clips of Wes bragging about how he's using this show for publicity to try and sell his pathetic CD. I watch a few minutes and a get an uncontrollable urge to have a shower. I'll be right back.


Group Walking

Wow. It was no less exciting than that it sounds too. I'm glad I cut my shower short to see this. Jill takes her other Tools, less Reid (Yes!), and they go for a walk in snowshoes. Man snowshoes sure have changed since I used to see them on TV when I was kid. They used to look like some luckless bastard had strapped tennis rackets to the bottom of his feet. Now, well they look like...I'm not sure, but they're still as boring as ever...and that I am sure of. Fears of raising the audiences blood pressures notwithstanding, they inject even more wildness into this date by having Jillian play hide-and-go-seek with them. (Insert your own joke, I shouldn't have to.) Jake, the cheesemachine does a product promo for Emerald Lake Resort, and even that's exciting compared to this date. Toejam Tanner also decides to reintroduce some talk about Jillian feet. (Rolls eyes) and he's just getting started too. Once night falls and they go back to the lodge he decides to drop his drawers and show Jillian his package in front of everyone. Dumbass. Jillian insists its too early to see any units , but she does rate Tanner as "Huge!" Damn, she must not get out much. I'm sure it was compared to Jason's needle-dick, Jill, but all of that was too much information. While Jillian is being entertained by Toejam's latest show of sexual depravity, an inter-cut shows mystery-man Reid, who've we've scarcely seen five weeks into the show, wandering around the deserted train quizzing the service staff for advice. "Should I wear glasses, or not?" Seeing Reid soliciting romantic advice from a train conductor was weird and I only take solace in the knowledge that this was a producer stunt, but based on what we finally see from Reid later, I'm actually wondering. Anyway, back at the group date, Jill gives up the feet and Toejam gets to lube her up as a going away present. I think this was the Network TV equivalent of what we used to call a pity f*ck for perverts, and I need another shower. But before I can escape, Kiptyn from Krypton gets a few minutes alone with Jill, and because she's sober this time, he doesn't get to feel her ass up as a way of saying: "Hello!" Anyway, the two of them do their usual--which is to say they exchange about three words and then suck face. The entire surreal experience is being constantly inter-cut with interviews of the cheesemachine swearing eternal love and the more discerning viewer realizes he's toast. Anyway, the all climb into a hot tub before everyone freezes to death and Jill gives her tongue-buddy from Krypton the flower.

What a dork!

It's time (at last) for us to actually see and hear Reid. Six shows into the season and Reid is finally brought staggering forward. Jill takes him for some one-on-one time and Reid, who's been the enigma wrapped inside a mystery is finally unveiled...and what a neurotic dork he turns out to be! Cutaways, that have been assiduously not shown to this point, start in and several of the guys all hammer Reid as a yammering, anal-compulsive irritant. As if to prove the point, Jill takes him into a room for dinner, and Reid launches into a diatribe about the danger of fondue. (Yes, you read that correctly). The guy is germ-phobic and acts like the communal frying of meat in a fondue pot surely leads to salmonella. This is the guy women all over the Internet have been heavy-breathing about? The guy sounds like Felix Unger! But Jill seems to think he's hot anyway and yammers on about "their connection" while admitting in the same breath that they have nothing in common. Yeah, this would last. She asks him about how they could plan the future with him in Philly and her in Alberta. She swears she loves his answer of: "We don't worry about it. It will work out of it's meant to be." which sounds like the biggest cop-out in the universe to me, but she thinks it's just charming. Finally Jill starts fingering the rose and Reid pulls back, "I'm nervous here!" (Probably afraid of insecticide poisoning) but she roses him anyway. Looks like Jill is heading to Philly to meet Reid's yenta, er, I mean his mom.

Rose Time

Mysteriously they all are transported from the hotel and other environs and end up back on the train where the wingman, playing choo-choo conductor, meets them and announces it's rose time. Before she hands out some flowers, the producers have some time to kill, and instruct the wingman to have a sit-down with her so she can tell us the painfully obvious. on to rose time and Jill walks out and gets the signal that there's even more time to kill, so she hauls Michael, the breakdancing little brother away to decide if a twenty-five year-old professional breakdancing teacher is ready to commit to marriage and join her in the incestuous bonds of holy matrimony and child-rearing. Satisfied that his mom will let him out of the nursery long enough for the wedding and conception, they return to the ceremony.

Already safe: Reid the dork, and Kiptyn from Krypton.

Roses:

1) Jesse, the winemaker, whom I haven't even bothered to mention this entire entry. Suffice it to say, he isn't exactly making an impression on me.

2) Greaseball Wes. His star is on the rise as the producer's prepare him for black villainy, really starting next week.

3) Michael, the breakdancing little brother. Hey, the Pharaohs of Egypt married their sisters.

Dumped: Toejam Tanner--who gets pissed about it.

And Tah-Da! the Cheesemachine, who previews show will prove me right about being a producer plant by becoming the next in a long line of rejected stalkers by agreeing to producer wishes and crashing a future date between Jill and His Oiliness. Jake intends to be her knight in sharp-cheddar armor by returning and trying to warn her about that no-goodnik, the Greasball. Oh, man this crap is funny. We also see the wingman announce a surprise guest at an upcoming rose ceremony and editing tries to make it seem like it's the cheesemachine, but I'm guessing it will be the return of Drop-Dead Ed. And we'd better hope so, if there's any chance for actual romance.

See ya, then.

5/15--He's Outta There!

So: Is it real; or was it scripted? That is the question preying on everyone's mind about the sudden departure of Drop-Dead Edward Swiderski, isn't it? Beats the hell outta' me. But I am sure that before I can write, edit, and post this worthless rag of mine, that Reality Steve will probably tell us. The betting money would be that it was all scripted, but we'll see. It does appear that the show has rounded the turn and is now headed for home this season. Four and 1/2 episodes of sophomoric, mean-drunk syndrome, and closeted homosexuality is now pretty much in the books and the event that is going to be used as the dramatic fulcrum of this season is finally unfolding. Will Ed be back? Betting money on the net says 'yes'. Will fans hate him if he does return, or will all be forgiven by both them and Jillian? If he does come back begging, will she accept him? Reject him? Is this a case of true love conquers all and second chances or is it a look at what happens when you let a dumb 'ol thing like the career you've worked for for more than a decade get in the way of the Bachelorette's dream of slavish romance? The bigger question is: does anyone care? Ah, we shall see. But first I guess I better try and recap this crap.

"Here for the right reasons?"

Ok, ok, enough with this season's anthem please. Between this and the phantom chase after the non-existent girlfriend, it's all we've heard...which is, I guess, why they let Ed take a conference call from big bossman and get threatened to be fired if he didn't get his ass back to work. Something had to break the detective mystery of just 'who has a girlfriend' and 'who is here for the right (wrong!)' reasons. Since we know from past incarnations that these people are hermetically sealed in the Bachelor-bubble so they become besotted victims of the Stockholm Syndrome, it makes you wonder whether or not Producer/ Ham & Egger, Mike Fleiss, didn't call Ed's boss and demand that he threaten to fire him to inject some badly needed drama. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First I have to recap the other ninety minutes of frozen frolic and fun, and the whole thing starts with a trip to Whistler, Canada, which I've never heard of. But the word:Whistler, in Canadian, must mean: the ass-end of frozen nowhere. Cut loose from their Malibu Tool Box, the Tools, have to make do with a mobile HQ I might as well dub: The Tool Belt. Well I'll bet these denizens of Tool-dom won't be bitching about that rough-hewn bunkhouse anymore. The weather in Whistler appears to be about 40 below and personally I was scared one of them was going to be attacked by a polar bear on a date. Pretty? Yes. But so is Antarctica, and I'm not going there anytime soon.

The wingman, taking most of this episode off, let's Jill announce the date line-up in a voice over. Two, 1-on-1's, and a group-date. Jill walks her Tools over to an igloo...sorry, I mean a hotel, before they all freeze to death and leaves them a date card that says Michael, the breakdancing teenager will be going on the first date. She takes him even deeper into the countryside and they go frozen zip-lining. This is a Bachelor staple, but this time it's with the additional risk of hypothermia instead of sunstroke. Bully. Michael attacks the zip-line with the glee of a chimp let loose on a high wire. Jill says: "I really need to see if there is a romantic connection there." There isn't. This will look familiar to any female who has a horndog younger brother who used to pester all your girlfriends who came over to the house for attention. Any time he gets near her I start to hear the banjo music from Deliverance. This was painful to watch. They go to dinner afterward at a wine cellar and some French fop named Pierre or something comes out and plays gargoyle or whatever they call the table whore amongst the French. He show them 'sabreing'. Breakdance reacts the way I would have; he wants to know if he's gonna' have to fence somebody for his dinner. Turns out those spunky Canadians don't just open their champagne like us rustic Americans do. Nope, we rednecks just open it and drink it. (sniff!) Canadians open the bubbly with a sword. Ok. Anyway, they drink and eat and have a boring conversation about love. Jill then fingers the rose and Michael (or the writers running to his rescue) starts hitting her with some grown-up sounding cheese that's pretty good. It seems to do the job and she roses him. Much to my profound relief, however, she gives him a feeble hug and a peck on the cheek instead of making-out with him. Hot stuff! In between, we switch back to the Tool Belt, and see the continuing non-story of 'someone has a girlfriend'. ZZZZZZZZ.

The Snowmobiling Detective Agency

Jill then takes her group date snowmobiling in the woods of Canada. They get moving quickly before their blood congeals and Jill hauls away Robby, the bartender so he can apologize for blowing up at the last rose ceremony. Inter-cuts show Greaseball Wes and the Drop-Deader ragging him for being a 'child.' They agree that he represents zero threat and I'm not going to argue. Jill and him do the whole age thing about the five year age difference between them. They hug. Wow, very hot. The producers then send Toejam Tanner over to break them up so we can get to the actual point of this date: pursuing the non-existent girlfriend, and what better way to do that than to send Jill's designated spy, the Toe-licker, over for some one-on-one and we finally get to find out who has a sweetie back home. Or not. She reminds him that he promised to tell her who has a girlfriend and he backpedals away as hard as he can. Jill then grills him! No, not really. It all ends with a, "Uh, ok." Wow, the third degree indeed. Next, Greaseball Wes comes swaggering into the snow drift and gets a chance to plug his upcoming million non-seller again. They discuss the obvious reason he actually came on this show and then he smack us with this beauty: "Hey, I didn't sign up for this. My sister submitted my name for the show." Hahah. And I thought the greaser had no sense of humor. Jill then sucks his lying face off for him. It's nightfall after the commercial and they all sit around outside huddled around a bonfire with plenty of antifreeze to keep them from dying from cold. She does some dancing on an ice bar and then it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for: the problems of Drop-Dead Ed.

Back to Junior High

Before Ed's problems are revealed, however, there's time for Jillian to get gassed and cuddle up in a bed with Kiptyn from Krypton, and boy is she hammered! She starts this drunken make-out session by ordering Kip to feel her butt. He does and then she slurs the familiar old refrain we all remember from junior high school: "I like you! Do you like me!?" Kip notes slyly that the only thing missing is the note delivered from her best friend with check boxes on it. He laughs at her but then shows some horndog. Argh! A drunk woman on a bed is like sounding a bugle charge to a man and Kip moves in for some slurpy kissin'. Problem is, Kip's aim sucks. He ends up making out with the area just above her upper lip and below her right nostril. C'mon, Krypton, work on it. Doesn't matter though; she was too drunk to remember how amateurish it was,("We had good conversation." Huh?) and Kip's army of female swooners would be happy to donate their own right nostrils to the cause. A cutaway shows Jesse, the winemaker will get the other one-on-one. Cutback and we see Jillian getting a moment alone with...who is that? Do we know this guy? Whoa! It's Reid! Holy crap, Reid exists! Oh my, I wasn't expecting that. I was beginning to think he was a mannequin they placed in the background to make the room look full of horny suitors. Well, its good to see the Seed at last. Now when his army of female horndogs get all hot and bothered over him they'll have something to actually talk about besides his dreamy-boy lips, killer smile, and dorky glasses.
Jill starts it all off with some awkward questioning: "Where do you see Reid in five years? Are you married?"
Reid is ready: 'Uh, uh, well, definitely married."
Jill: "Ok, and what are you doing?"
Reid: "Uh, well, the kids and I...(murmur, murmur, mumble, mumble.)
Jill: (Panicked): "How cool am I?"
Reid: "You smell good; like snow and flowers...and gasoline."
(Damn, this guy is smooth!)
Jill: "So...who has a girlfriend?"
Reid nearly does a spit take with his brewski.
"You heard that?"
We've ALL heard it Reid! But instead of answering he nimbly dances away with some jokes. (Not exactly The Closer, is she?) She finally decides to skip the girlfriend bit. Thank you!

Back out to the drunken bonfire, it's time to finally get to Ed. Jill sits him down on a log and they talk. Ed tells her: "I had a conference call this morning and the boss told me to get back or get another job," or something like that. He questions what he's even doing there and she looks less than thrilled. He tells us in a PI that if "Jill gives me indicators of strong feelings for me, then it'll make walking away nearly impossible." I guess the operative word here was nearly. She gives him the rose with the caveat that he can give it back if he decides to leave. Jake, the cheesemachine fulfills his one useful task of the entire episode and forecasts: "This is not the economy to lose your job in. I'm confident that he won't be at the next rose ceremony." The cheesemachine hath spoken.

Jillian's Glacier:

Despite her profound fear that Ed is leaving, Jillian manages to stow it away and flies Jesse, the winemaker out to 'her' glacier and they frolic in the snow. Many deep things were said that I don't remember but they get to make like penguins and frolic in the ice. Many a beautiful Canadian vista is shown but once the Ed-Bomb was dropped I had a hard time paying attention. He swoons about the best day of his life and gets the rose while playing in yellow snow or something. They go to dinner and he tells her her voice could put a meth freak to sleep or something. Riveting stuff.He's safe; date over.

Exit: Stage Left

That Ed-Bomb that's been ticking finally goes off. Jill goes to his room so he can drop it too. "Since we've talked, a lot of things have changed." Naturally, he never tells us what. She comes in and they have a sit-down. He mumbles a preamble for his exit and she starts crying before he's done: "I have to leave." Then he won't give up the rose. Then she launches into what is obviously the stage-setter for what is yet to come: "Promise me, that when you do find the person you're crazy aboat, don't let work get in the way." Hmmmm, foreshadowing anyone? In a PI she works herself up into a tizzy and not only bawls but bawls until she has a nose full of snot bawls. He wanders out and loads his bags while somber guitars play in the background and he assures us he is sad. Boo hoo. Was she that upset? I have no idea. Maybe she's that good an actress or maybe Fleiss extinguished a lit cigar on her foot; I don't have any idea. Like I said, I'm sure Reality Steve will. Anyway: Was this staged? Probably. Ed is an IT consultant and I was under the impression that if these guys had a laptop and a Blackberry they could work their magic from anywhere. Ed's bosses seem to think not. Now I know they are about five feet from Santa's workshop, but I can't believe Ed couldn't do his stuff from there. We'll see.

Enter Incredulous Wingman

Jill does some PI's in her cocktail dress and ruins her make-up talking about Ed again. Harrison slithers into the decision room for his sit-down and Jill tells him Ed left. "Whoa, I'm so sorry." Hahahahah. Poor old Harrison, hiding in that control room all week; he had no idea 'ol Ed went and did a runner. And these guys wonder why everybody thinks this shit is scritped? The wingman, being the winger, then passes the colby jack: "I see you more emotional now than when you left...with Jason." Jesus, did we have to mention him? She confirms, but being an independent, spunky, Canadian-type she bravely soldiers on. She tells him she needs no extra alcohol to make up her mind for the night so Harrison leads his Joan of Arc to the rose ceremony ungassed.

Joan of Arc at a Rose Ceremony

Despite her heartbreak, Jill comes in beaming and passes out some flowers.

Already safe: Michael, the breakdancing teenager and Jesse, the winemaker.

1) Reid--the invisible Seed strikes again.

2) Kiptyn--Mr. Goofy-Kiss hangs on

3) Robby the bartender--Unemployed and 25, but still a playa.

4) Jake, the smirking cheesemachine--rewarded for being the producers exposition character this week. Other than that, mercifully mute.

5) Toejam Tanner--ok.

The wingman let's us know there is one-whole-single-solitary-rose left in the silver dish and anyone who doesn't get it can just get the hell out. "Jillian, Ed stole the last rose and we had to get another, so be careful with this one."

6) Greaseball Wes--'ol 40 quart apologizes about Ed. hehehe.

Dumped: Mark, the pizza king. He leaves with the same uncaring air he came with.

Next week: A train ride through the Rockies and Greaseball Wes gets bold about what a skeezer he is. Some advance billing is included to let us know that some dude needs some Viagra to help shore up the lead in his pencil. See ya then.