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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 23, 2009

6-22--Stopping the Feet and Cutting the Cheese

Well, there are two major irritants I don't have to put up with anymore, (Sorta).Two down, about three or four more to go. Canada sure is pretty, however, but I'm ready for a change of pace there too. When they climb into the hot tubs I'm actually waiting for one of them to turn blue. When the wingman pulled Jillian off the train this week, SHE was visibly shivering before he could get her inside. (I think they filmed a little too early in the spring.) But I suppose I'd better shut my hole about frigid Canadian weather because every time I talk about it, a whole host of people of the female persuasion are sure to inform me that despite what I'm seeing (and what I've always heard) that Canada is actually a dry, arid, hellish inferno that routinely suffers temperatures near 99*....in the shade. (wink). So, I guess instead of harping on frozen Canadian weather I'd better spend my time harping on Canadian women of suspect taste in men--and the Tools who want to love them.

Throw Robby from the Train

Well not really, but at least that would have been entertaining, and suspenseful, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the actual date. A private train ride through the Rocky Mountains. This should have been about the most romantic thing you can imagine; the scenery alone nearly had the Wench Queen swooning, but if there was any romance here, I damn sure missed it. Perhaps it's the men. Or perhaps it's the absence of Drop Dead Ed. Early in the episode Jill mentioned missing him and nearly started bawling again. It's pretty obvious he's going to be back and other than Greaseball Wes and the producers sudden decision to introduce him to the axles of a Greyhound Bus, when I'm certain he'd been running his mouth in private interviews about his greasy intentions all along, there isn't much going on of interest. Anyway, the wingman meets the Tools in their Tool Belt in Moose Antler or whatever part of Canada he's had them stashed. He tells them that this week there will be 2 one-on-one dates, and one group date. Jill meets them and they climb aboard a train to visit the Canadian Rockies. But before we can view the magnificent vistas Jill lays the first date card on them. Inter-cuts show the several members of the Tool Brigade, led my Michael the breakdancing teenager and Jake, the ever-disingenuous cheesemachine, swearing to god above that they are gonna' lay it all on the line to Jillian. Bully. But it turns out that the date card is for Robby the bartender, and a more foregone conclusion to a rose date we've have scarcely seen. Jill takes him to a private car where Robby demonstrates what is obviously his one skill in the entire world: he makes them booze. He tries (and I emphasize tries) to teach Jillian how to juggle booze mixing glasses...which she promptly drops. Wow, I've haven't seen glass juggling this entertaining since Tiny Tom Cruise showed his mean skillz in that cinematic masterpiece, Cocktail. ZZZZZZZZZZ. Anyway, Jill tries to inject some fake-drama into the proceedings by saying: "Robby makes me feel 10 years younger." Yep, a regular fountain of youth is our Robby; twenty-five years-old, callow, unemployed, lacking in ambition and seeing nothing wrong with it either. (Thank you, casting department!) Oh, the suspense! I was really on the edge of my seat there. I certainly expected a thirty-year-old woman, professional, accomplished, and in the marriage market to go ape over this guy, didn't you? Jillian performs a mercy killing on this boy that lacks mercy--she dumps him off the train in the middle of the Rockies. Filming tried to make it looked like they stranded him there too. Now that would have been funny. The other guys feign disbelief at the window but actually laugh and do everything but yell: "Get a job, you loser!" One down.

Enter le Greaseball

Greaseball Wes moves to center stage of our consciousness to make up for the lack of actual romance and quite the skeezer he is too. Jill, who is answering week by week the question of why she's still single at 30, lets the country-fried sleazer comfort her after dumping her kiddy bartender. She coos about his good intentions and peals of laughter ring out across the land as she says it too. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt; it's obviously a Canadian thing too. For the first time, the producers begin playing vid clips of Wes bragging about how he's using this show for publicity to try and sell his pathetic CD. I watch a few minutes and a get an uncontrollable urge to have a shower. I'll be right back.


Group Walking

Wow. It was no less exciting than that it sounds too. I'm glad I cut my shower short to see this. Jill takes her other Tools, less Reid (Yes!), and they go for a walk in snowshoes. Man snowshoes sure have changed since I used to see them on TV when I was kid. They used to look like some luckless bastard had strapped tennis rackets to the bottom of his feet. Now, well they look like...I'm not sure, but they're still as boring as ever...and that I am sure of. Fears of raising the audiences blood pressures notwithstanding, they inject even more wildness into this date by having Jillian play hide-and-go-seek with them. (Insert your own joke, I shouldn't have to.) Jake, the cheesemachine does a product promo for Emerald Lake Resort, and even that's exciting compared to this date. Toejam Tanner also decides to reintroduce some talk about Jillian feet. (Rolls eyes) and he's just getting started too. Once night falls and they go back to the lodge he decides to drop his drawers and show Jillian his package in front of everyone. Dumbass. Jillian insists its too early to see any units , but she does rate Tanner as "Huge!" Damn, she must not get out much. I'm sure it was compared to Jason's needle-dick, Jill, but all of that was too much information. While Jillian is being entertained by Toejam's latest show of sexual depravity, an inter-cut shows mystery-man Reid, who've we've scarcely seen five weeks into the show, wandering around the deserted train quizzing the service staff for advice. "Should I wear glasses, or not?" Seeing Reid soliciting romantic advice from a train conductor was weird and I only take solace in the knowledge that this was a producer stunt, but based on what we finally see from Reid later, I'm actually wondering. Anyway, back at the group date, Jill gives up the feet and Toejam gets to lube her up as a going away present. I think this was the Network TV equivalent of what we used to call a pity f*ck for perverts, and I need another shower. But before I can escape, Kiptyn from Krypton gets a few minutes alone with Jill, and because she's sober this time, he doesn't get to feel her ass up as a way of saying: "Hello!" Anyway, the two of them do their usual--which is to say they exchange about three words and then suck face. The entire surreal experience is being constantly inter-cut with interviews of the cheesemachine swearing eternal love and the more discerning viewer realizes he's toast. Anyway, the all climb into a hot tub before everyone freezes to death and Jill gives her tongue-buddy from Krypton the flower.

What a dork!

It's time (at last) for us to actually see and hear Reid. Six shows into the season and Reid is finally brought staggering forward. Jill takes him for some one-on-one time and Reid, who's been the enigma wrapped inside a mystery is finally unveiled...and what a neurotic dork he turns out to be! Cutaways, that have been assiduously not shown to this point, start in and several of the guys all hammer Reid as a yammering, anal-compulsive irritant. As if to prove the point, Jill takes him into a room for dinner, and Reid launches into a diatribe about the danger of fondue. (Yes, you read that correctly). The guy is germ-phobic and acts like the communal frying of meat in a fondue pot surely leads to salmonella. This is the guy women all over the Internet have been heavy-breathing about? The guy sounds like Felix Unger! But Jill seems to think he's hot anyway and yammers on about "their connection" while admitting in the same breath that they have nothing in common. Yeah, this would last. She asks him about how they could plan the future with him in Philly and her in Alberta. She swears she loves his answer of: "We don't worry about it. It will work out of it's meant to be." which sounds like the biggest cop-out in the universe to me, but she thinks it's just charming. Finally Jill starts fingering the rose and Reid pulls back, "I'm nervous here!" (Probably afraid of insecticide poisoning) but she roses him anyway. Looks like Jill is heading to Philly to meet Reid's yenta, er, I mean his mom.

Rose Time

Mysteriously they all are transported from the hotel and other environs and end up back on the train where the wingman, playing choo-choo conductor, meets them and announces it's rose time. Before she hands out some flowers, the producers have some time to kill, and instruct the wingman to have a sit-down with her so she can tell us the painfully obvious. on to rose time and Jill walks out and gets the signal that there's even more time to kill, so she hauls Michael, the breakdancing little brother away to decide if a twenty-five year-old professional breakdancing teacher is ready to commit to marriage and join her in the incestuous bonds of holy matrimony and child-rearing. Satisfied that his mom will let him out of the nursery long enough for the wedding and conception, they return to the ceremony.

Already safe: Reid the dork, and Kiptyn from Krypton.

Roses:

1) Jesse, the winemaker, whom I haven't even bothered to mention this entire entry. Suffice it to say, he isn't exactly making an impression on me.

2) Greaseball Wes. His star is on the rise as the producer's prepare him for black villainy, really starting next week.

3) Michael, the breakdancing little brother. Hey, the Pharaohs of Egypt married their sisters.

Dumped: Toejam Tanner--who gets pissed about it.

And Tah-Da! the Cheesemachine, who previews show will prove me right about being a producer plant by becoming the next in a long line of rejected stalkers by agreeing to producer wishes and crashing a future date between Jill and His Oiliness. Jake intends to be her knight in sharp-cheddar armor by returning and trying to warn her about that no-goodnik, the Greasball. Oh, man this crap is funny. We also see the wingman announce a surprise guest at an upcoming rose ceremony and editing tries to make it seem like it's the cheesemachine, but I'm guessing it will be the return of Drop-Dead Ed. And we'd better hope so, if there's any chance for actual romance.

See ya, then.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi Captain,

With the romance gone (e.g., Ed), the producers really had to ramp up the humor and fake drama.. and while the episode felt too long, I actually laughed at some of the antics, particularly Tanner, who I'm going to miss.

Mr. Earnest/Cheeseman is also gone, thankfully (although I do feel bad for him that he seems to have such a complete lack of self-awareness about why he keeps getting rejected)... and so, as you note, there does not seem to be an emotional connection to be found anywhere.

Soooooooooooo looking forward to the return of Ed. Call me a hopeless, clueless romantic, but I actually see an emotion connection between these 2...and with the whole archetypal romatic plot line ... with his call to duty forcing him to leave the woman he loves, only to return to prove his devotion... well it really might be an ending worth getting excited over! (one can hope, at any rate.)

Thanks again for your recap. I look forward to it every week!!

Sue

Debbie said...

ALL brilliant lines that had me on the floor:

"Jillian performs a mercy killing on this boy that lacks mercy--she dumps him off the train in the middle of the Rockies."

"The entire surreal experience is being constantly inter-cut with interviews of the cheesemachine swearing eternal love and the more discerning viewer realizes he's toast."

"Satisfied that his mom will let him out of the nursery long enough for the wedding and conception, they return to the ceremony."


I admire the way you can take 10 minutes worth of worthless TV action, and cover what happened in 1 ingenious, hysterical sentence. BRAVO!!!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

That date! There was the ADHD rumor on the internet, and now OCD? I mean, OMG ... LOL

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thanks gang. Lets hope Ed makes it back and its sweeter than all this vinegar

AbbyRose said...

Thanks for your hilarious write up, Capt!

From reading your and RS's blog, it appears that there are no actual "connections." Seems that the pay off rumors may be true. I remember one guy coming on the ABC board talking about how he refused to do the show ~ after the stunt Jason pulled and his not being attracted to Jillian ~ even though the producers paid him to be on it. Smart guy. Apparently the rest of the gents are not so smart, or else are wanting some tv plug time.

Interesting that there again is no rose game. Last time they could not because the producers/Bach manipulated the ending. This time? Hm....

Carry on my good Captain! Exceptional work!

Chancelucky said...

I find it strange that there are so many guys younger than Jillian. It does sometimes feel like they picked this group for some other Bachelorette. For instance, how did they manage to leave out any Canadians?

I could see how some of them might have been chosen for Melissa or Molly.

Also interesting that they didn't have any single dads :}

I figure the surprise guest at the rose ceremony is Jesse. He's the right height, is currently single,campaigned to be on the show again, and likes cold weather.

Captain Barbarossa said...

Chance,

I'm relieved to see you back up and writing. Skipping the show this year? When you didn't post for so long I actually got worried.

So, your money is on the stoned snowboarder, eh? I still think it's Ed and his big re-reveal.

We'll see

Anonymous said...

LOVE your recaps! Your commentary has just the right mix of sarcastic and funny. I tried to watch this season, but it was too boring and everything seemed so staged. When Drop-Dead Ed comes back (like we didn't see that coming when he kept the rose) are you going to change his name to "Back from the Dead" Ed?

Captain Barbarossa said...

When Drop-Dead Ed comes back (like we didn't see that coming when he kept the rose) are you going to change his name to "Back from the Dead" Ed?

Touche!!! I'm stealing that one!