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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, June 8, 2009

5/8--Man Up!







"Oh, my stars, I just got soooooo dumped!"




Liberace-Juan gets the boot, but he's still smiling.


No pain; no gain I suppose. The pain was the first hour and a half--the gain was the last thirty minutes and Jillian dismissing two of her biggest losers. I also want you to know, Dear Reader, that my cable went out last night and I spent the last several hours re-watching the last hour or so just so I could faithfully report to you. Sorry about that. I'm not usually such a self-indulgent whiner but after watching all that mewling and crying coming from the boys, I feel corrupted, and after having to see Jake, the cheesemachine audition for his role as a dairy-spokesman twice; entitled as well. This night did finally produce the first watchable episode of the season so if Dish Network was going to pick a good time to crap out, well, it was a good one I suppose. This one had as much drama as a usual episode of the Bachelor, but that's probably because the cast is made up of so many Nancy-boys...as well as perverts, liars, and drunken apes. Ah, diversity.

Tested for Hypothermia

The episode opens with the wingman making like a rooster and waking the boys at the crack of dawn. He tells them this week it's 1, one-on-one date, one group date, and one of the dreaded, 2-on-1, somebody-is-toast date. But he also tells the Tools that they'll be leaving the Tool Box behind for good and heading to Vancouver, British Columbia so they can meet Jillian, and Fleiss and Co. can hire some non-union, Canadian film crews and save more money than they did at Geico. It's also a chance for Jillian to test their resistance to hypothermia in the off chance she actually falls in love with one of them. The boys immediately pack everything but their bedsheets for warmth. Jillian awaits them at the Fairmont Hotel in Vancouver. They are bedded down in a set of suites and she leaves them with the first date-card of the week. Turns out Kiptyn from Krypton, one of my Invisibles, scores the one-on-one. He meets Jill around a lake in a park and I shudder to see that Jillian has a light coat on. (Must be mid-July). Kip, who's from California, comes racing up to her and throttles her with some affection and tries to steal some body heat. I had to re-watch this twice because the Wench Queen was yelling, "Did she just wipe a booger out of his nose?" No, dear, she just tweaked him but it was an odd gesture of greeting. (Must be some Canadian thing). They go kayaking and I silently prey the kayaks don't tip over because if they do Kip will be a Popsicle before the rescue craft can fish him out. They row around a little and she challenges him to a race. I think Jill was testing his chivalry here because she looks about as athletic as Jerry Lewis, so Kip plays the gent and rows in slow motion. Then Jillian takes him to some Mall of the North America's or something and they buy some groceries. Then they go back to her place (or wherever Fleiss has rented for her) and she cooks while he snuggles her from behind. Inter-cut interviews let us know she is in 7th heaven and they do indeed look cute together. This is certainly the most we've seen of Kip since day 1, but I gotta' be honest here: I see plenty of chemistry on her part, but on his? Not so much so. Kip says it was a "real-world date." and he's right. Exciting? No. Entertaining? Mildly. But for any rooters out there it was very reminiscent of the date between Molly the Bland and Jason the douche on last season's show (and we all know how that turned out.) Kip seemed very nice but extremely cautious and if he's all that into her; well, I don't see it. At least not yet anyway. They do go and feed some birds and Kip fulfills a necessary requirement for any Bachelor(ette) finalist: he has a charity. Bully. Personally, I don't know one single human being who runs a charity but it must be a box you have to check on the application to get on this show. But there can be no doubt of the Rose and both Kip and his Rogaine supplements are going to be around a while.
While Kip is securing his rose and some kissies, the date card arrives announcing who is on the group date. The names are all called except Marblesack Mike and the pizza empresario, Mark Who? Before the group-date gang takes off, Mark asks some guys what they think of his chances. Liberace-Juan tells him he's a goner...which, of course, means he isn't.

Curling?

Yes, that's right; curling. Also known as ice-shuffle board. You know, that sport we've all seen on Olympic TV coverage that has 'em rolling in the aisles. Why not hockey if they wanted to keep it Canadian? Curling is ridiculous. It looks like a Supermario game when those guys get them brooms going...and that's when experts are playing it. This? Ha! Starting things off, Greaseball Wes slips on his own grease and slides across the ice like a bird squirted out from the Exxon Valdes. Hey, maybe I like curling after all. Jill splits the guys up into two teams (red and blue) and they curl or whatever you call it. Anyway, they all suck--that is: every last one of them. It looked as clueless as if some guys from Tampa were all made to play cricket: hopeless. Finally another of the Invisibles, Jesse the winemaker, manages to slide a thingy into the bulls-eye and wins it for the red team, but blows his moment of triumph by putting on a celebration dance that looked like an old man with constipation. Jill now takes the red team, which is comprised almost solely of losers, and gets herself trapped on a boat with them. Oh joy. Trapped in a small boat cabin with Caveman Dave. (She should get hazard pay for that) And having the Caveman and the object of his roid-raging, alcoholic-fueled obsession, Liberace Juan, stuck together in a 10 square foot area? Fab-u-lous! Jill toasts them all and names Jesse as a curling hero. He predicts citizenship. Ok. Jill starts to make her moves and Dave calls for "Tequila!" Uh-oh.

Jill decides to delay the unpleasant and deals with the disingenuous first. That's right, folks, it's time for the return of Jake, the cheesemachine. You remember him, the guy who is a professional pilot and not the guy with the IMB movie page with a few acting credits on his resume? Well, ya see, the ol' Cheeser has been feeling down of late--downright blue as a matter of fact. Seems he's barely seen Jill since he nearly proposed marriage on their first date. Well they sit down for a talk and he starts revving up right away and thanks her for their date: "It made my year, made my life!" Jill shuts him down by telling him he's "Too perfect! Every word out of your mouth is perfect." Translation: Stop being full of shit; I can tell. Eww, right in the 'ol Gouda with that one.The Cheeser wanders away in confusion. He even asks one of the guys, "Am I too perfect?" I couldn't see who he asked but if it was Liberace Juan, I'm sure the answer was: "Of course you are, darling. You're positively delicious!" Next Jill snares Jesse, the winemaker to finally spend some time with him. Jesse, exultant from his curling triumph, decides to festoon himself with the dorkiest looking hat I have ever seen. He looks like some fruity Englishman whose about to hop into his motorcar and drop by the polo match. Lose the lid, bub. Anyway, he and her share some deep thoughts or something and then they kiss. Her body language says: "Eh, I don't know," but I might be wrong. I've never been much at reading body language and I can't tear my eyes away from that dumb hat. He looks like Huckleberry Eastbridge or something. Jillian can no longer avoid the inevitable and here comes Caveman Dave, who's obviously found that bottle of Mexican grog he was looking for. Dave comes stomping into the cabin with his hairy knuckles dragging on the carpet and starts in on her with his (ahem) charm. "Your ass is really hot! Urgh, me want it!" He basically treats her like she just finished a lap dance for him and is eager to stick a Lincoln into her g-string. Unsurprisingly, Jillian reacts like any woman who doesn't make internet porn. "I need to be with somebody who treats me with respect." He tries to kiss her and she shuts him down. He then basically tells her she's a kissing-whore and "Ooga Booga, me too!" One douche bag down, several more to go. Jesse and his dumb hat get the rose.

Slobber, slobber, slobber!

It's 2-on-1, rose-or-get-lost time and the mood of this date is set right at the beginning. Jillian awaits the dynamic duo in a park and Marblesack Mike charges her like he has horns on his head. Mark Who?, either indifferent or unwilling to toadie, walks over to her slowly and then greets her. She drags them off to yet another helicopter saying: "The best way to see Vancouver is by helicopter and I can't wait to show it to them." Five minutes into the flight I think she actually meant 'all of British Columbia', instead of Vancouver. They fly way up into the mountains and Canada is indeed beautiful. Frozen, but beautiful. They land at a place called: Grouse Mountain Lodge. The scenery is breathtaking as they sit down to dinner. Marblesack pulls out the hardsell like he's been taking lessons from the cheesemachine. He slobbers everywhere and basically thanks almighty bog he's even allowed to be in the same room with her while Mark, the pizza king, twiddles his thumbs. Jill talks about stressful it is and Mark begins, "Hey, we're both big boys; no matter what happens--" before Marblesack cuts him off and tells her its all about being near her. She takes Mike for a walk to a bay window with an immaculate backdrop of falling snow and he basically proposes marriage. "I will do anything--ANYTHING to please you!" Before he can start licking her boots with the foam forming in the sides of his mouth, she gives him a tepid hug and they go back. Next she takes Mark over to a couch where he tells her about past heartbreak and why it's so hard for him to trust. He then rags all the other douches for proclaiming true love after two dates and god bless the little minx she laughs right along with him. She starts to whine about time-pressure and he cuts her off: "Hey, you need to quit worrying about us and worry about yourself. This is the time to be selfish." Argh! Are those some balls I sense? I'm adding pizza-man to my Invisibles list. She then asks if he believes love is possible in this venue (i.e. stupid TV show) he hems a little and then crushes her with a smile and an "Absolutely." Game over. See ya, Marblesack.

Cocktail Party...Maybe.

Juan: "This party is important. It's going to tell us which way Jilly is heading." From the results, I'd say that direction is hetero, Liberace. First up is the Original Invisible himself, Reid (The seed!) Jill gives him a quick hug and Reid tells her to stay out of the penthouse because she wouldn't want to see some of the other guys unguarded. She tries to press him but he cleverly distracts her: "I want to kiss you." We can assume he does. Then in a P.I. he rags Greaseball Wes as being there "just for his music." Duh. Speaking of the country-fried loser, he comes into view giving Jill a piggyback ride and clearly the snowstorm we saw at the lodge has taken her eyesight from her because he lies to her like his ass is on fire and she swallows it, hook, line, and sinker. "I'm ready to settle down and have kids." Toejam-Tanner and Drop Dead Ed spy on them through the window and somebody yells: "Disgusting!" D.D.E then worms his way into this pirates heart (and probably out of the winners circle) by hammering the Greaser, "Hey, guys, there is some country-music-singing-turd on the roof." Argh!!! Let it out, brother! Then while Wes slimes Jill up pretty good, Toe-jam gets sufficiently bombed to threaten to expose Wes for having a girlfriend if he can get Jill alone. Producers say: "If you cause trouble; you're wish is our command!" and quick as a hiccup they have sit down. Toe-jam doesn't name names but he rats out the rats in the house. This causes Jill to call a halt to the cocktail party. That's the official line anyway, but they ain't foolin' your old redbeard. They called it off because they knew she was gonna' dump Caveman Dave and they needed to halt it before he got too liquored-up and killed several other cast members when he she dumps him. True, true, it would have been great TV to see him strangle Liberace Juan, but the damage he would have done in that hotel room would have been immense, not to mention the lawsuits. They also make sure Juan gets his walking papers at the same time so the time bomb doesn't explode. I have no doubt that Jill was pissed at these revelations but come on?

Wingman Interruptus

Harrison comes in for a therapy session and cheeses Jill up. (You'd think she'd have reached her quota on that for the week.) "Well before anymore roses are handed out, we're going to get to the bottom of this." Yeah, right. Then he seems stumped on how to achieve this miracle. (How about showing her some of the miles of footage you have of Wes bragging about everything under the sun, would be my suggestion.) They confront the guys and this leads to nada. The drama was so thick you couldn't cut it with a blow dryer though.

Wingman: "Ok, whose gonna' man-up?"

Somebody: "Who's gonna' man-up?"

Jesse, the winemaker: "It's gonna' come out. Somebody needs to man-up."

Director: "Cue cheesemachine!"

Cheesemachine: "I want to say something. (Winks at camera)I'm here to find love and if someone is here with a girlfriend, well, then you're a coward." (Yeah, no wonder this guy is a pilot.)

Robby the bartender: "Me and breakdance-boy didn't get time with you and we don't have roses. If we get sent home, it's bullshit!"

Toe-jam Tanner: "Quit looking at me Juan, you F*******r!"

Liberace Juan: "I'm looking all around. Simmer down."

Caveman Dave: "I want to know who ratted!"

Jillian: (Loose translation) "Screw you, loser; I want to know if it's true!"

Greaseball Wes: "I'm clean." (Spoken like someone who's had to say that to a cop after a routine traffic stop)

D.D. Ed: (Looking bewildered) "I...I don't have a girlfriend."

Wingman: "Ok, guys, thanks for clearing that up for us." (Huh?) "Jill, you ready?"

Jill: "No!"

Wingman: "Ok, here we go."

Already safe: Jesse, the winemaker, Mark, the pizza-king, and Kiptyn from Krypton.

Roses:

1) Reid the Seed

2) Robby the bartender

3) Drop-Dead Ed

4) Breakdance Mike

5) Greaseball Wes

6) Jake, the cheesemachine

7) Toe-jam Tanner

Dumped: Liberace Juan and Urghhh! Caveman Dave. Juan swishes out lisping, "You've got some great guys there." like he'd love nothing more than a parting dog pile for the road. But he acts mystified: "I don't know why. I don't have a girlfriend at home." Yeah, I don't think she was worried about you. Fortunately they shut off the funski valve in time and Dave doesn't go nuclear. They also had enough sense to send them home in separate cabs.

Next week: Jill cries a lot and all fingers point at Wes...which means it isn't him. The voice on the sneak peek saying, "I have to leave," sounded suspiciously like Ed to me, but I'm terrible with voices, so you can probably ignore that. Jill does seem heartbroken that someone is leaving. Graham Bunn redux anyone? Somebody call DeYawna. On second thought; don't. See ya then!

6 comments:

Debbie said...

Pirate Man -

How do you do it week after week?? Each one is more hysterical than the last!!!! Can't tell you how many times I was laughing so loud that Boy Toy came in to see what all the fuss was about. Your recaps are THE BEST!!!

Anonymous said...

Captain,

Was totally waiting for your too funny recap. Thanks so much for the snark.... you make the show for me!!

Sue

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thanks guys. I'm getting the giddy feeling that next week might just prove to be shooting fish in a barrel. Somebody must leave. The big question will be can we believe even one second of this shit. Let's hope something actually happened all on it's own and they can save the scripting.

We'll see.

AbbyRose said...

"the cast is made up of so many Nancy-boys...as well as perverts, liars, and drunken apes. Ah, diversity." ~ Sounds like the typical producers' selections of cast for the show.

Hm... sounds like Kip isn't into Jillian. Maybe he will be into his own Bach show where he is used to being chased. Wonder what it cost Fleiss?

Glad to hear that the red team won! Maybe things will be turning around for the better and this is a sign to come!! wink wink wink wink

"Wingman Interruptus" ~ Classic!

Still glad I am not watching and instead reading. :)

Gia said...

Dammit. I was really hoping I'd get to see some violence between Caveman Dave and Liberace, but alas, no dice. Oh well. It's still early days and there's always hope that someone will flip out on Greaseball. *ohpleaseohpleaseohplease*

Jill's cute and all, and it may be just me, but I think she's getting kinda boring. She needs to spice it up. Get drunk and start screaming at all the guys. Have a stripper pole brought in. Something! The guys are creating all the drama and it's time for her to step up to the plate and take the show back over. I'm not even watching this tripe for her anymore.

Thanks for the always great recaps, Captain!

Anonymous said...

LOL ... you still are the best!