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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Saturday, August 29, 2009

While We Wait--The Big Three




The Three Suckers...er, Finalists







Jake (Cheesemachine) Pavelka


Kiptyn (Krypton) Locke
Reid (The Seed!) Rosenthal

Yep, there they is...in all their glory: the next three suckers all volunteering to have their characters, reputations, and sanity's leveled lower than mowed grass by Producer/ Human Sphincter, Mike Fleiss, and his relentless televised circus, The Bachelor. On a side note, several folks have emailed and asked why I haven't joined in on the pile-on against Jillian Harris and her fiance Drop Dead Edward Swiderski from the recently completed Bachelorette 5. That's an easy one: show's over. Whatever relationship they have or don't have isn't any of my damn business. If they make it through this shit storm that Romeo Ritchie and that weapon he has semi-hidden in his Jolly Green Shorts have caused, well, you can mark these two down for the marriage mart. The fallout for those two has been nothing short of seismic and any shaking me and my little blog could add to the earthquake they're living through wouldn't amount to more than a fart in a hurricane--so I'll let them be and just see if they make it or not. Besides, Satan Fleiss has three more volunteers lining up for his reputation-firing squad and that means fresh prey for your old pirate.

Bachelor 14

...The thunder rolls and the lightning strikes...

You couldn't kill this damn show with Atrazine...or hemlock. No, I'm afraid the various feminist groups and people with taste who cringe at the very mention of this franchise are going to have to resort to nuclear weapons if they want to get rid of it. However, classless, tasteless rednecks like myself can hardly wait for the next cheesefest to get rolling and we haven't long to wait either. Weak Wingman and overpaid emcee of trash, Chris Harrison, has been tweeting his cold, blackened heart out to let us all know that the next round of schlock will be premiering in early January. Naturally this means that filming must soon be underway and that means a new Bachelor Douchebag-Supreme must soon be anointed to take the reins and start warming his lips up. For those of you who were hoping to see someone new on the show, well, let's just say you're shit out of luck. Various interviews with two of the three men as well as Beelzebub Fleiss have confirmed it's a three douche race...and you know them all. How convenient.


Man of Marble

The one guy everyone could pretty much agree after the last Bachelorette that was good looking, classy, sensible, and sane was Kiptyn Locke. He was obviously edited to look tremendous. The problem with his edit was that he was edited to the point of looking nearly unreal. Of all the main contenders, he probably generated the least passionate fan base and that's the shows fault. You can edit someone to appear so flawlessly that they start to resemble a statue instead of a man. Kiptyn came across like a marble chisel-job, not a living breathing human being with flaws and quirks. None of this was helped by the fact that Kiptyn was classy, reserved, and determined not to make a fool of himself. Regardless, if I had my druthers he'd be the next Bachelor.
Reasons the Producers would want him: Good looks, six-pack abs, a level head, possessed of considerable class. Runs a charity.

Reasons they might not: A squishy fan base. One also gets the impression he would hard to bully into doing things he didn't approve of. He didn't seem ready to propose to Jillian until the last second and never slobbered all over her. They want a proposal, or at least a trainwreck at the end of every season. Once they announce him, they're stuck. He becomes the one with the power and the last thing they want is a Bachelor who won't play along with the next nefarious scheme they dream up. His profession was never clearly defined on the Jillian season but he clearly comes from a wealthy clan. In other words: he doesn't really need this, and would probably to object to some of the producer's more outrageous script ideas.

Man of Quirks

The biggest, most-rabid fanbase I have ever seen in the fandom of this show is owned by one Reid "Honeybear" Rosenthal. He built this fanbase despite being rendered virtually mute the first month of last season on nothing more than his dorky glasses and a ready smile. But once he allowed the producers to con him into appearing at the FRC as needless cannon fodder, he shot into the stratosphere. He also got a more real edit than Kiptyn. His quirks, phobias and weaknesses made him appear human, and to many, positively adorable. Add to that the sympathy he garnered for getting tricked and mega-dumped at the FRC and you got one popular dude. He's my number 2 pick mostly because of the depth of hurt and bitterness he demonstrated at the After the Final Rose show. He was obviously VERY hurt by his double dismissal and I think it's way too soon for him to be dating. Nevertheless, the Real Estate market is about as soft as microwaved Velveeta everywhere in the country and it's hard to imagine he's moving too many properties for Rosenthal Inc. in Philadelphia these days. It's also a good bet that if he's the producer's choice that they're waving a fistful of cash under his nose.

Reasons they want him: Good looks, a quirky sense of humor, and a wild-eyed maniacal fan base.

Reasons they might not: Seems like a tough, experienced business guy who wouldn't mind making demands. Part of his edit was the whole 'indecisive" bit that makes a proposal no guarantee. Quirks and neuroses are cute with a second banana, but with the lead? Can they afford to have him look like a nerd?


Man of Cheese

In mass online polls at places like TV Guide, Jake Pavelka always wins when fans are asked who should be the next Bachelor? At places for the 10,000 or so members of fandoms hardcore base, however, Pavelka is usually dead last. His over the top antics last season may have caused casual viewers to swoon over his good guy heroism, but the more refined (and cynical) veterans of this show can spot a fake pretty easily, and they do not want Pavelka in the role. He was edited as the extremely honest, selfless, earnest super-dude who even returned after being dismissed not to recapture Jillian and mend his broken heart, but to protect her from that human lice- blanket, Greaseball Wes Hayden. Veteran viewers recognized the set up pretty easily while the uninitiated masses missed it. Last minute phone calls to non-existent foot fetishists and damning confrontations (that turned out to be untrue) against Hayden were quickly recognized among the faithful as the silly flim flams they were. And no one will be able to forget his showstopper that had news anchors all over North America rolling in the aisles when they tried to interview Jillian: his ridiculous balcony railing flop (complete with fake tears) when she failed to heed his warnings about that heartbreaker, the Greaseball. Taken as a whole, few contestants on this show have ever looked more plastic and disingenuous than Pavelka, and the hardcore fandom know it. But he remains a major contender for a lot of reasons.

Reasons they want him: Great body, great looks, a 'sexy' profession (airline pilot), and the willingness to do and say absolutely anything the producers want. He also appeals to the masses with his aw schucksness act because they seem to have forgotten they are watching a TV show. Proposal? It's in the bag. This guy would propose on the first night to one of the limo drivers if the producers told him to. He would also probably do the show for free. The ultimate "Producer's Dream."

Reasons they don't: The hardcore of the fandom ain't buying it. The 10,000 or so lunatics on the internet (like me) are the ones who actually create the buzz about each season, and they don't want this guy. Producer Dream is only a dream to a producer; not a fan. This show is about ratings and some plastic actor doesn't fill seats in front of tv's. This guy should definitely be "Plan C", or should be encased in glass with a sign that says: "Break only in the case of an emergency!" Last season the producers had to go with Plan C, but were lucky it turned out to be a fairly likable Canadian girl. They won't be that lucky again.

Ok, there's my take. Now we wait for the announcement.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thanks for not joining in the pile-on of Ed and Jillian. It's sad that a couple of spiteful ex-girlfriends, goaded on by a soulless amoral Texas mafia, can tell so many half truths and cause so much trouble for a good man.

Ed and Jillian have held their heads high and will have the last laugh. They are living well and are very happy and very much in love. They will be married next summer in Kelowna and I hope Reality Steve and sdl and Jeremy choke on their bitter corn flakes.