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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

7/27--Finale: The Triumph of the Living Dead

What an odd season this was. You would think that the demonic producers would have been in hog heaven; they got the ending they supposedly wanted: an engagement. But noooooooo. They couldn't leave well enough alone. A simple Final Rose Ceremony ending in pronouncements of love and an engagement just wasn't enough for them. They just had to mess with it to create some false drama for the masses. The needless (and pointless) return of the already dumped Reid the Seed, was arranged for our additional viewing pleasure and gave Reid's internet worshipers (The Seedlings) a chance to gnash their teeth and denounce Jillian--a woman they were proclaiming not ten days ago as 'perfect' for their man--as "stupid, classless, trailer-trash" and worse. But such is the chance you take when you sign up for this voluntary crucifixion. Of course, none of this has been helped by the constant drumbeat of 'rumors' about her new fiance, Drop Dead Ed, as a merciless, heartless, user of gullible and innocent women. Haha. Ok. Fans will now waste as much of their lives as they choose arguing over just how much was scripted, acted, or real. Whatever. It doesn't matter now anyway. Show's over and considering the level of anger and joy out there, plenty of people got sufficiently invested in what we were shown to actually give a damn about these people. For Satan Fleiss and his production staff, it's a big Mission Accomplished. The Bachelorette was ABC's second highest rated program of the entire summer just behind Wipeout! and well ahead in the critical 18-49 female demographic. Jill, Ed, Reid, and the fans will just have to get over it. Satan rules the earth in ABC's eyes, and most of you whining, bitching, complainers will be back in front of your TV's next season to see someone else's 'journey' to perdition. We're like crack addicts folks. Wear it proudly.

The Last Chance Date Template

Do I really need to recap this? No. First of all, no one cares about the first hour and a half of these things and unless you've never watched the show before, you know what's going to happen. I will instead produce a brief template of what every one of the Finales look like:

1) Bachelor(ette) meets one of two remaining douches (douchettes) and slobbers over them before taking them to meet his/her family. Ed goes first and wears coconut tits, Kip goes 2nd and doesn't.

2) Family meets and questions said douche (ette) about all manner of crap. Both dudes made adequate utterances of love and seemed sincere. Ed asks dad for permission to marry Jillian; Kip doesn't.

3) Bachelor (ette) meets with family to help decide which person he/she will share a brief engagement with. Family turns out to be no help whatsoever and leaves Bachelor(ette) "More confused than ever". Check.

4) Bachelor(ette) takes both chosen ones to exotic date locales in some tropical paradise where said douches all pronounce undying love and willingness to get engaged. Ed gets a copter ride to a volcano and Kip gets a dinghy ride to a surfboard paddle. Both kiss Jillian incessantly. Kip shows his abs and Ed breaks out the green tighties again to show he means bidness!

5) Bachelor(ette) goes back to each douches bedroom for last second pleas for their love. Kip makes out with her and sounds nearly convinced he needs to marry her. Ed smooches her bunches and makes it clear he wants to nail her, and the Fleiss-Rat provides a hilarious visual of an erupting volcano in lieu of actual porn. Viewers are force-fed the idea that the Chicago Don Juan went off like Vesuvius (amazing Jillian survived the encounter with Ed's Fearsome Firehose of Love) dates over.

6) Ring Shopping. The sacrificial douches, both Bachelor-guys and and Suitor-Ettes, are required to participate in a product placement ad for a ring company, whether they mean to propose or not. Both dudes choose multi-carat diamond rings that will look ridiculous on Jillian's tiny hand for the brief time she will be wearing it.

7) The morning of. Bachelor(ette) awakes refreshed and suddenly clear-minded of who they will spend the rest of the show's required media interviews with despite being 'in-love' with the two remaining clods. Check.

The Demise of (the few) Kryptonians.
Kiptyn from Krypton, gets up, showers (flashes his abs one last time) and says he's ready for what awaits him. Kip's an odd duck and has been all season. He's the one guy everyone seems to agree is nice, good-looking, and possessed of common sense. But he certainly hasn't inspired much passion. I think there are a couple of reasons for this. First, he's seemed a little too aware he's actually filming a dumb TV show. If he ever got drunk or cut a fart or whatever, we were never shown it. He also seemed determined not to embarrass himself or his uppity Malibu family by slobbering ridiculously over Jillian. Second, I assume he was was given the squeaky clean Bachelor-of-the Future edit. The problem with that is that he came across like he was made out of marble. Guys like that are fun for the ladies to look out, but they seem somehow unreal and indifferent. Most people just never bought into him as anything more than an attractive hood ornament. But you gotta give him his props--he never made an ass of himself either and will be the only person coming out of this experience with his rep intact. I'll also give him some props for the dignified way in which he handled himself and his dumpage at the ceremony too. Jill was already waiting for him on some platform in the middle of the swimming pool when he got out of the limo, and unlike other Bachelors, Kip went to her and started a probing preamble of his feelings for her before he fell prostrate onto a knee before the Bachelorette Goddess. Fortunately, Jill is no DeYawna, and she didn't try to bait him into going down onto a knee. Her face is about as difficult to see through as a piece of cellophane and by his third sentence even Stevie Wonder could see what was about to happen. He ended abruptly and let her speak. She let him down as nicely and easily as you could and he drives away and maintains his dignity. Maybe too much dignity. He tried to work up some emotion for the camera but the only one I saw was a sense of relief that this nightmare was over. His fans shouldn't fret. I'm sure he got free of the bubble, went back to his hotel, did fifty ab-crunchers, and had a beer.

Producer Interlude--The Seed at Waterloo--Part Deux

Just as most of the naive home audience was expecting to see Ed pull up to complete the fairytale, up pulls a red minivan and out pops Reid the Seed, dressed like he's been shopping at a thrift store for the homeless. Reid tells us in private interviews and voiceovers that he had "to pull a lot of strings to get back here. I flew home to Philly but just knew I needed to come back and tell her I love her." Really? You had to fly all the way back from Pennsylvania, eh? The producer's didn't just stash you in a nearby hotel for a few days and work on you? Nevermind. Anyway, Reid's back and just who was pulling what and whose strings is more than debatable. But the wingman greets him and tells him he hasn't much time. Reid smooths his mismatching suit coat and slacks, runs a hand past his unshaven face and through his bed hair, and marches out to the gangplank. Jill smiles at his appearance but seems confused as he joins her on the plinth. I've been wondering all season just how good an actress Jill is, and now I know: she isn't. She clearly didn't know he was coming. Meryl Streep isn't that good. They talk and Reid, acting like the producers put LSD on his cornflakes, seems convinced that if he just tells her that he loves her, that she'll dump everyone else and pick him. The stale breath of Satan's sirens still ringing in his ears, he confesses his love and Jillian looks like she needs a ventilator. The only adjectives to describe Jillian's face next are shock and horror as Reid plummets to a knee and hits her with a quickie marriage proposal. Much to her credit, Jillian splutters in shock and reaches over and hauls him up as quick as she can. Stunned, she tells him she needs to think and wanders back into the house while he waits for her on the plinth.

Enter Wingmanus Repairus

Jill collapses on a Bahama couch in the bungalow and in slithers the wingman. Now, the next conversation may have lasted three full hours, but what we were shown, lasted all of thirty seconds:
Jill: "How am I supposed to make a decision like this?"
WM: "When you woke up this morning did you want Ed to propose to you?"
Jill: (Smile breaking out) "Yes."
WM: "Then you know what you have to do."
Jill beams

(See ya, Reid)

She walks back out to where he awaits her and once again, dumps him as kindly as possible. They hug for what seems like forever and she walks him back to his special, alcoholics-only taxi--complete with it's own booze bar. He stops her at one point and says: "But...I don't get it!" Yeah, I bet you don't. The serpent-like words of the producers still ringing in his ears: "Go on, Reid! All ya gotta do is tell her you love her! It's YOU she wants; she told us!"(Why Reid's fans are mad at Jill and not the producers is a mystery to me.) She deposits him in the taxi and he opens that bottle as they drive him away. I went to ABC's website and watched the "Diary of the Departed" and they obviously gave Reid the grand tour of the Big Island. By the time the sun was setting outside the cab, Reid was soused and feeling vengeful" "She made a major mistake! I mean a HUGE MISTAKE! Ed? Fuck Ed!" Argh! You tell em Reid! You just got trashed on national TV. You got every right to be pissed. Reid Rosenthal, you gullible bastard, you've just made a Pirate-fan! I wish more of these guys would get angry and the first one of them to direct it at the production staff who just screwed them wins my special Pirate Award. I wish one of these guys would take about five steps with the Bachelorette toward the limo and then sprint over to the wingman and punch Harrison right on the mouth. I'd download that video from youtube and watch it every single day for the rest of my natural life.

Jillian wanders back out to plinth and sighs: "Ed better not fuckin' let me down!" Haha. Some people are trying to say that her dropping the f-bomb at the ceremony is evidence of her trashiness. Well, these people need to yank the broomstick outta their asses, as far as I'm concerned. That was about the most honest utterance Ive ever heard at one of these things.

The Army of the Dead

Drop Dead Ed shows up in his limo in triumph and his dwindling Dead Army cheers. The wingman greets him and Ed heads inside to Jill, his head up and hands thrust into his pants pockets. He actually walks with a bit of a swagger and shows some confidence. (Did she let him know it was him? Likely, I think). But Ed also has a plan and like Kiptyn, won't go down until she gives him clearance to fire. He starts his preamble: "I love you. I want to spend forever with you...but...before we go any further I need to hear what you feel about me?" ARGGHHHHH! Damn straight! No man in his right mind would drop to a knee and ask that question unless he was 100% sure of her answer. Jillian caves in like a coal mining tunnel dug in beach sand: "I love you madly!" They kiss and she leaps up onto him and wraps her legs around his waist, "I've been dying to tell you forever!" He puts her down and slips down to a knee. Before he can get the ring box out she's letting out that dolphin-squeal of hers and thrusts her left hand under his nose. (Way to make him sweat Jill) He pops the question and she screams: "Absolutely!" The last thing we see on the broadcast is Ed putting her up on his back for a piggyback ride and running down the gangplank with her.

My sister-in-law turned to me and said: "But I don't see her and Ed making it." I informed her that since the relationship record on this show now stands at a ghastly1 for 17, that prediction isn't going to win her the Nostradamus Award for clairvoyance. But for those people who say: "Finding love on this show is impossible!" Well, once, long ago, a woman who wanted to go to Hollywood and be a star became the Bachelorette. She picked a soft spoken fireman from Vail, Colorado. Shockingly, she moved out there with him and a year later they were married. That was two kids ago, so impossible, is a proven misnomer. Miracles happen--they're rare--which is why they are thought of as miracles--but wouldn't it be funny if the third string gal from Canada broke the drought? Then again, they may be done already. Ya just never know.

Ok, tomorrow, a brief recap of ATFR. See ya then.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I'm so glad this stupid season has finally ended... I just let out a dolphin squeal of my own when I realized my Monday nights have opened up again (no thanks to the wife who makes me watch this garbage).

Anyway, great post as usual. By the way, did you happen to notice Kip calling Jillian "Jen" when he was dressing before his nut-kicking at the FRC? Rewind it and check it out. Some assholes over at the main board think he was saying "Jillian" really fast, but I disagree... I heard him say "Jen". To me it only proves how fake this piece of shit show really is. If Kip is in as much love with Jillian as he professes, how does he forget her damn name? What a load of crap....

Anonymous said...

Dear Captain,

You know I'm a hopeless romantic and I seriously was taken with Ed and Jillian, but your recap, your recap made me laugh so hard, and the tears obscured my vision so much, that I had to stop before I finished to get all the laughing out.

Your description of Reid the Seed (or has he graduated to the "plant") were, to quote my girl Jillian, f'in hilarious!!!

I know the odds are against it; but I love these 2 and hope they find a way to defy reality. Ok, allright, you can pass the prozac!!

I'm really going to miss this season and your blogs!!!

Thanks so much !!!

All the best, Sue

PS - apparently the squirrel Reality Steve promoted his butt onto Extra last night and gave his "predictions" for the final. He said Ed or no one - rocket scientist!! Of course, unlike last year, this year he did not have any real information, just nasty rumors about Ed. You know it's bad when the snarkers are selling out... I mean that's really bad, right?

AbbyRose said...

Bwhahaha ~ Chris is Dr Phil. A new, expanded role besides his "this is the final rose."

It looks like Kip was hit with the John Paul curse from Jen's season. The producers edited him so that America would fall in love with him and he would be our next Bach, rather his appeal did not grow as anticipated and they went to Travis Stork instead. We all know what happened there ~ a Bachelor finally outsmarted the producers and picked a friend for the sham-mance.

Loved reading your blogs this season Captain. Indeed it is much better than the show. Did not miss watching it one iota.

Hm.... maybe you should get a message board started or something since it will be a long time until the next show. ;)

Anonymous said...

Just caught up on all your blogs and I've become a fan! You're hilarious and I'll be tuned in Tuesdays for your take on cheesy Jake. The opportunities for snark will be immense I'm sure.

And I'm sure you know by now, but I'm pleased to report that six months later Ed and Jilly are still going strong. This is a couple that's going to make it. They're a perfect pair.