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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, May 25, 2009

5/ 25--Fabulous!

I've been starting and restarting this column trying my level best to not mention homosexuality, but it's a lost cause. Maybe I've gone around the bend but my gaydar is practically broken, and when a raincoat case like Toejam-Tanner is ragging a fellow contestant as "lacking testosterone" I feel justified. Where did Fleiss find this latest crew, a San Francisco parade ground? Let me be clear: the ol' pirate could give a shit if people are gay--couldn't care less. But I'm not sure a heterosexual dating show is the best place for them to be hanging out either. Truth is, perhaps I'm being unduly influenced. The Wench Queen, who professes to have no gaydar, is constantly grabbing the remote, hitting the pause, and screaming: "Did you see that! That guy's gay!" every time one of them makes a swishy gesture. It's also possible that not a single one of them is gay and the singular lack of testosterone in the bunch is being caused by Dave, the Neanderthal trucker sucking all the precious hormone out of the air so he can get drunk and pound his chest like a Silverback Gorilla. Whichever, it's making for one confusing viewing experience.

This weeks show opens with the standard pablum recap before the guys find themselves booted down to a bunkhouse that an ABC press release says they will call the "animal house." ABC can just excuse the shit out of me but I'm dubbing the place: The Tool Box, based on what I've seen of these losers. Wingman Harrison makes an appearance to reel off the date calender for the week; 3 dates, 2 group dates, a 1 on 1, and not everybody gets a date this week. And anybody on a 1 on 1, it's get a rose or go home. Harrison also lets them know that any early rose pickers get to move into the mansion with Jill.

Scavenger Hunt

This actually threatened to be halfway entertaining for about five minutes. Jillian lounges around the pool in high heels like she usually does in Moosejaw, Saskatchewan or wherever the hell in Canada she's actually from, and the staid old pool party amps up into a find Jillian scavenger hunt. A rather intriguing take on the Amazing Race that started out pretty good with teams of dudes racing around LA looking for clues. But the devils in the execution I guess, because this thing fizzled fast. The Hunt wasn't exactly difficult either. The boys all raced to some restaurant in Mini Coopers and dressed in tuxes. Michael, the breakdancing loser, admitted when Jillian called them on a cell to guide them to her, "I pissed myself." Thanks for the info. Anyway, Brian, the Uncle Jed redneck and his partner, Ed, the Brad Garrett lookalike--looked to be in the lead, but somehow greasy, country-fried loser, Wes, and his erstwhile partner, Brad reach Jillian first and find her waiting in a bank vault for some strange reason. Jillian, who confesses to suffering from "semi badboy syndrome", picks Wes over clean cut, earnest Brad. Insult to injury, Brad is made to sit at the bar playing doorman to the late-arrivers while Jill takes Wes into the vault and makes out with him. Brad and the tail end Charlies all watch them on closed circuit TV and Wes is universally ragged for being here for the 'wrong reasons.' It appears that absolutely everyone, with the exception of Jillian, has figured out Wes is here to try and kickstart his country music career. (She should have looked at his Myspace.) Anyway, Wes, looking like an unmade bed in a tux, nabs the first kiss of the season. Gross.

Ho Down!

While greasy Wes was scoring some smooches, a date card arrives at the Tool Box addressed to Jake, the Cheese Machine, announcing that he will get the one-on-one date. We got see to see last week why Jake was cast for this show, but this week focused on it just in case any of you suffer from Reality Show myopia: Jake will say anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, the producers want him to. Jillian emerges from Casa Canada wearing a horrific set of knee-high, red leather boots. Now your ol' redbeard here doesn't know dick about Womens Fashion, but chicks and leather? Yeah, I know that. And I know knee-high boots with three inch heels are supposed to fit a woman snugly about the legs. These things looked like they belonged to Jillian's older sister. I also know that boots like that look good on tall, leggy women. Jill, whose about five-foot nothing, looked like she was wearing garish hip waders to go trout fishing. (Somebody in wardrobe needs their asses fired, Fleiss.)

But none of that will even begin to deter the Cheese Machine. Jillian takes him to some country shop and outfits him in cowboy attire. This gives the Cheeser a chance to show off his washboard abs and fake, disingenuous smile. But Jillian hangs all over him nevertheless and then hauls him to the House of Blues for some cozy two-steppin'. Constant voice overs allow Jake to bombard us with superlatives about Jill and about halfway through one date he is predicting marriage. "I hope I'm the one who gets to slip the ring on her finger and propose." Yeah, him and his sacred vows. Good to see the Cheeser takes engagement so seriously. They have some talk and he goes on and on about flying and spontaneously picking Jill up in a limo and flying her to Denmark for dinner or something. She gushes and mid spew he plants one on her. Martina McBride, obviously with plenty of free time on her hands, comes out and lip-synches a few songs while the Cheese Machine makes out with Jill big time.

Harlem Love Machine

Next Jill gets a group date with most of the rest who haven't got their time yet and the producers, just for sadistic giggles, invite the most spastic of the suitors down to the beach for a basketball date. But since spastic street ball just isn't entertaining enough, they also bring along the Harlem Globetrotters to not only humiliate the retards, but also to pass out some love advice. Jillian stands around dressed like a cheerleading elf while the Globetrotters do their ancient shtick and then pummel her boyfriends into humiliation. Thankfully no score was announced. Liberace-Juan demonstrates how NOT to make layups and plays with all the intensity of a hairdresser. The producers also decide this is an excellent venue for the one guy from a country that doesn't play basketball to showcase his talents. Simon the British Soccer Hooligan, subtitle-free this week, tries a few jumpers and can't even hit the backboard. It's a miracle the Globetrotters didn't pass out laughing. The lone player in the group turns out to be Dave, the Neanderthal Trucker who shows off some athleticism and skills to go along with the violent temper he demonstrates later. The beating now over, the Globetrotters pick out the guy they think is best for Jillian. (Heheh, yeah, this show is real.) Unsurprisingly, it's Dave...but he gets no rose. Which makes sense. Unless it doesn't. Jill then drags the remains of her harem down to the beach so the producers can film Mike, the invisible make his move to become visible...by stripping down to his speedos and jumping in the water. Jillian is so impressed by Mike following the producers orders that he gets the date rose for running around in his marblesack and giving Liberace-Juan some beachwood.

They then retire to some rooftop or restaurant and all sit around getting gassed. Simon passes out some shots but then Dave, the Neanderthal swears he saw Liberace-Juan ditch his shot and then act like he took it. The camera didn't see it and neither did anyone else but the Caveman is now enraged! at this perceived sin to manhood and goes onto rag Liberace-Juan to death. Voiceovers are spliced with comments where Dave makes hay: "This guy should go drown himself!" "This guy should get beat up!" and other macho nonsense. Ok, true, if Juan is faking shots he's a candy ass, but the producers need to quit putting meth is this guy's booze. By the time the tirade is over Mike looks like he needs to have a club to drag around. Toe-jam Tanner joins in to question the amount of testosterone that Juan is lugging around. Pretty grim when a guy with a closet full of Prada is questioning your manhood. Jill doesn't care though and have some deep sensitive alone time with Liberace who pecks her lightly on the lips. Fab-u-lous!

Uncle Jed Gets Nekkid!

The rose ceremony party is a bit of snooze. The only points the producers want to ram home is that Dave hates Juan and everyone hates Wes. Bobby the bartender is finally getting a few minutes alone with Jill when greaseball Wes, already sporting a rose, sweeps in and steals her. Instead of telling Wes to drop dead, Bobby just walks off and lets Wes, who has been shacking in the mansion with her the last couple of days, swoop in and take her. Jill doesn't look slightly bothered either and wanders off with His Greasiness. The other guys and Bobby are upset though and all rag Wes as a fake. This was all a set up for a gag the producers tried last season that bombed, and no surprise, it bombs again. The wingman flutters in and brings a ballot box for everyone to vote for the contestant they all want to see go, but then tells them that Mike, Wes, and Cheeser, can't be voted for because they got roses. This make no sense but nevermind. Without Wes to vote for, most vote for Liberace-Juan, but unlike last year the vote is binding. Jill has to waste a rose of she is to save him. Somewhat to her credit, you can see that the vote did not make Jill happy and she gives Juan a rose. This also gives Caveman Dave a chance to gnash his fangs a little more. Out by the pool, Brian, the Uncle Jed Redneck is instructed by producers that things are a bit boring, so he strips down buck-nekkid and hops into the frigid swimming pool in front of everyone. Damn I wish the women would do that on the Bachelor.

Rose Ceremony

Liberace-Juan, Mike the invisible, Jake the Cheese Machine, and Greaseball Wes all have roses.

1) Jesse

2) David. Oogha Booga!

3) Ed. Brad Garrett Lives!

4) Sasha. Is that a guys name? Nevermind.

5) Mark. Who?

6) Toe-jam Tanner. (She is kidding right?)

7) Krypton. No broken heart for him. Strangely absent this week.

8) Reid. Also absent but being mentioned as a 'fan favorite.'

9) Robby the bartender. Getting shut out must pay off.

10) Tanner F. Also near invisible this week.

11) Brad. Not good enough for a date but better than the rest I guess.

Dumped:

Juliene and his great head of hair.

Mathue the misspelled. Manages to bawl a little after dumpage. Wimp.

Brian the Uncle Jed. Well dadburn! Ol' Uncle Jed went and got nekkid for nuthin'! He blames the cold water for a bad...er...impression. "I was shriveled. It made me look like I was hung like a lightswitch!" I'm sure the 99% female audience thanks you for that nauseating image.

Next week: Dave goes postal! See ya then.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Bachelorette--5/18--Canadian Re-BOOT

I must have rocks in my head. How many times do I have to watch this quasi-scripted shit before I learn my lesson? One cutesy gal and twenty-five (or thirty) narcissistic famewhores are never gonna' find love during a six week shoot of a reality dating show. But here I sit like a pre-programmed android watching Producer/sleazebucket, Mike Fleiss' latest offering of highly processed cheese. The only difference is that the star of this particular outing comes from north of the border. Jason Mesnick's Canadian castoff, Jillian Harris, assumes the center seat as the Ringmistress of her own gigolo herd, and what a herd it is too: trucking contractors, a commercial airline pilot, a pizza entrepreneur (does that mean the sex is over in fifteen minutes or less or its free?) and a breakdancing instructor. Huh? People still breakdance? I thought that ended with "Breakin' 2--Electric Boogaloo." And here I sit watching. Jeez! And I thought the rest of the country was stupid.

15 minutes of the same old boilerplate

"I'm 100% ready to find love again."

"I'm convinced this can work because I fell in love before."

"I was devastated by Jason but I learned so much about myself."

ZZZZZZZZ.

Hey Fleiss, how about a new writer or two.

Entrada la Wingmanus Weakus

Fifteen more minutes of recycled hyperbole and here comes our favorite Canuck looking like the little sylph she is in a gorgeous white dress. Harrison prepares to welcome the northern beauty but first we get a sneak peek at the stud farm that was recruited to meet Melissa...or Molly...I mean Jillian. The fact that there are zero Canadians included in the line up proves they were all recruited for someone else or that Canadian men have too damn much common sense to get involved in this crap. Regardless, this preview had Mrs. B. sweating a few bullets of whatever hormone women excrete when excited, but the Wench Queen was left with a few questions along with smoldering glands. Funny enough, the questions were the same ones I had. Firstly: What exactly is a Kiptyn? I thought for a minute it was "Lipton" (is he a tea heir?) or was it "Krypton"? (He's a visitor from another world?) I'm not sure of what the answer could be except the fact that this guy's parents were obviously at Woodstock smokin' Oaxacan ditch weed. The next guy was the breakdance instructor. Ok. People take breakdancing lessons in 2009. Did they even take lessons in 1985? I'm betting this guy's biggest customer is the raincoat case who refuses to leave the subway and is convinced the CIA is out to get him. Besides, the guy was a loud-mouthed douche to boot. Moving on: An arrogant New York lawyer? Oh, that's original. Jill's really rolling snake-eyes so far. Ok, Krypton seemed ok but being known as Mrs. Kiptyn Anything would drive any woman to a divorce lawyer...even a spunky Canadian. Then some arrogant nutsack comes out and starts bragging about hopping out of planes and racing cars. Nice. If Fleiss really wants to send some female hearts a quivering, he needs to show some men vacuuming the rug and helping out with the housework. The only women getting wet over some self-involved creep jumping out of airplanes are about twelve.

Harrison finally takes a breath and Jillian manages to sneak out before he can get wound up again, and Jill looks great as expected. Endless boilerplate finally ends before my head explodes and it's time for the boys.

A few that made an expression:

Krypton--Props--at least he didn't call her Melissa. Wench Queen likes him. He'll be around a while.

Bryan the Ball Coach--Picks her up in his arms. She smiles and looks like she wants to say, "Put me down, you asshole!" Hehehe. I like Jillian.

Brian the Redneck--Calls her "hot tub Harris." and later refers to her as a "little minx." Calm down, Uncle Jed. I'm surprised she didn't punch him.

"Stage fright" Dave--trucking contractor who freezes solid when he meets her. Later on he turns on the "honest" charm about being nervous and lands the First Impression Rose. Nervous or an actor? We'll see.

John H.--Earnest nerd. Get hisself dumped pronto. He was a geek but he seemed nice. Considering she kept Senor toe-jam makes me wonder about this one.

Mathue--Comes out wearing a cowboy hat but he's so intense looking he acts like he's making a hostage tape. Could be this seasons Ron, the pissed off divorced guy! We can only hope. Lets hope his parents know more about parenting than they do about spelling though.

Simon--some dude from Yorkshire, England, but you can forget the sexy British accent. This guy had "soccer hooligan" written all over him. His accent was so cockney he needed subtitles. Ha, ha. Sean Connery it wasn't.

Wes--Grungy country musician who looks and acts like he left his smoldering brain cells in an Austin honkytonk. Later he serenades her in an effort to catch some record producers attenton. Fameho. Props though, he's got some talent. Romancing Jillian probably isn't part of his skill set though.

Jake--Airline pilot. Also in the running for cheesiest line of the night. "I could see Jill being my co-pilot." Retch.

Jesse--winemaker--"aspiring Canadian". Hmmm.

Kyle--Nerd-o-Rama. Se ya.

Steve--arrogant Lawyer. Fast track to the exit.

Juan--Wench Queen was heavy breathing over this guy...until he opened his mouth. Our gaydars exploded. Who invited Liberace? Hahaha. I think there was a mix up. Juan must have thought this was The Bachelor and he was going to be romancing Julian. What casting moron was responsible for this? This should be funny. I think Mamasita's gonna' be waiting for those grandbabys for a very loooonnng time.

Tanner P.--Nice looking. Had the Wench palpitating. Slammed Jason for handing Jillian the "friend card" last season. Might be around a while

Greg--Papa Smurf. Hahah. Jillian must be all of a towering 5 foot-tall, and they managed to find some stumpy little dude for her to look dead in the eye. Later he break dances. Strike two and please get out.

The wingman ushers Jill inside and much to her non-performing credit when she tries to give the boys her welcome speech her voice keeps breaking from the nerves. she also appeared to spend the entire night drinking water. Ho boy, that must be a contract violation. Truthfully none of them looked drunk all night. Weird. Anyway, this starts to quickly look like five or six smoothies that have a chance and a truckload of dorks...and the gay guy, of course. And the British hooligan. Wow, you can't say the casting isn't eclectic.

Anyway, they all play steal the bachelorette for a while and then the wingman drops his "surprise." 5 more guys are brought in and Jake loses the cheesiest line of the night award when some goober tosses Jillian a ball and says, "I knew you were a great catch." This guy is still single? You're joking right? Forget my wife, if I tried that line on my dog she'd bite me--and I wouldn't blame her either. My wife? I'd be hearing from her lawyer. No wonder these guys need to come on National TV to get laid. Of the five newcomers that one who stands is out is Tanner F. Unfortunately he stands out for having a massive foot-fetish. Refreshing.

Rose Ceremony:

Stage Fright Dave has the F.I.R. One down, nineteen to go.

Ah, the drama. First week in the books and not a single argh! to report. They won't let me down though. My guess is that the Canadian with the common sense walks off into the sunset all by her lonesome this time. This season feels like a bust in the making. Who knows, maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that means it will work. It's been so long since one has maybe that's why it feels so weird, or maybe I still have a Jason-hangover. Can't wait to see the ratings. I'm beginning to wonder if this show didn't use up all the goodwill it had with the audience. Time will tell.