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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 30, 2009

6/29--No "Reality" Required

I used to think Scrubs was funny, and I've always been partial to Rules of Engagement, even though I despise David Spade, but I just got a lesson in first rate Hollywood comedy last night. Yes, the writers of the Bachelorette really outdid themselves this episode. Between the Producer's slice and dice audio editing of Greaseball Wes, their hilarious manipulation of compliant actor wanna-be, Jake, the cheesemachine, and their staged return of Drop Dead Ed, they fired every barrel in every gun they had. It was like watching the Three Stooges go through every one of their best routines in rapid-fire succession for two hours. Somebody has got to win an Emmy for this one. Romance however? Hahah, what's that? Man, I've seen more romantic trainwrecks. But as far as silly-assed shit to blog about, well, Mike Fleiss, I owe you one.


Hometown Dates ala Speedy Gonzales


Joe Friday must have been the director of the first half of this episode because Just the Facts, was definitely the theme here. I actually went back and re-watched the first part of this comedy extravaganza online because I nearly missed it all by blinking. By my count it was 4 of 5 hometown dates all done in less than one hour. Ok, gang, fair warning: I'm about to begin the recap. Do not: go to the bathroom, the fridge, draw a deep breath, or blink too languidly or you'll have to read this all over again. Ok, ready, set, go!

Reid the Seed: Jill meets him Philly--it becomes a product-promo for his families real estate business. Family is nicely upscale, normal-looking, and classy. Brother's and dad all pretty much imply Reid is an indecisive, commitment phobe. (Sub-theme: Reid can't commit) Granny comes in unexpectedly and throws Reid a surprise 30th birthday party, despite the fact I'm not even sure it was his birthday. Mama and Granny yenta drive home the point that 30 is too damn old to be single and he needs to get his ass into gear. They all love Jill. They kiss and coo. Reid's female fans (hereby known as The Seedlings) can all now begin gasping about their "amazing connection". Date over.

Breakdancing Michael: It's Babes in Toyland as Michael and his not-very-identical-identical-twin, Mark, both jump around like it's time to go the Skate Station Party. Jill shows up and reads them a story. No, I'm kidding, but you get the idea. (Sub theme in this one? Dating high-schoolers is against the law.)The twins try the 'ol switcheroo to fool Jillian and she remains flummoxed for nearly an entire nanosecond. Michael's sister, who is supposedly in Australia, shows up and the entire family and Jillian get drunk and dance. Twin brother talks with Jill and she needlessly admits that: "Age is a factor." Bro gleefully tells her that both he and Michael dreamed of being wedded in the first grade. Jill is relieved that Michael is so serious and they all play Pin-the-Tale on-the-Donkey. Jillian then gambles and risks getting arrested for a violation of the Mann Act, by kissing Breakdance Boy...finally. Wet dreams are a certainty as she's whisked away.

Kiptyn from Krypton: Kip shows up near the beach to gather Jillian and his bevy of female worshippers (now called Kryptonians) all gush at his shadowy face, and six-pack abs (which is all we know about him) and then its off to meet his perfect family. (Sub-theme in this one? Jill is afraid she's not good enough for him and the family). Kip's step dad and mom show up and I think it's pretty gracious of the family to get mom out of cold storage for the show, because this woman has definitely been embalmed. (Note to Mrs. Krypton: lose the number of that plastic surgeon for a while. If that skin on your face gets stretched any tighter, your skull is going to pop out.) The parents, being cards, take Jill out back to a roped-off hot tub presumably so she won't try and rape their son on the their property. (Well at least they've watched the show, and a fat lot of good that did anyway). Jill is then put through the critical test of being able to match the proper wine with the proper pasta dish and this is played out with the drama of a police line up. Joan Rivers, trying to behave like a real mother-in-law, then takes Jill aside for some pushy questioning and implication that her Canadian, rednecked-ass ain't good enough to be a Kryptonian. Kip then ignores the police barricades and hauls Jill into the hot tub where they do some more bad kissing. Date over.

Jesse the Winemaker: Jesse shows up on a John Deere tractor and Jill gets to the see the family vineyards. She also gets to meet Jesse's brother, who's funnier (and according to Mrs. B) a damn sight hotter than his normal-guy brother. (Sub theme: Stick a fork in this guy; he's done.)I don't remember much about this date except that the brother was trying to be funny and mostly succeeding. They also jammed as a family at the end of the date and it looked pretty cool. Jesse and Jillian? Same as always; two total strangers going through some weird mating ritual. Maybe Jill will actually get a surprise proposal from the Bohemian brother? She looked and acted more interested in him than his little brother. Let the conspiracy theories begin! Date over.

Whew! Ok, there it was, one hour of quality American Television. Now for part two, hereafter known as the part this show was actually about, it's time to pass out some props. Now, I normally rag these producers as soul-less monsters (which they are) but they've managed to pull off one of the great bamboozles in history. They've either found the greatest actress in all of Canada or they actually managed to stage and script a virtual circus all around her, and she had absolutely no idea what they were doing. What's the truth? I have no idea, but Jillian looked completely flummoxed by all of this (with the exception of Drop Dead Ed's return). The rest of it? She looked hooked and landed by the whole thing. The producers do receive severe deductions however by the casting of Jake, the cheesemachine, who doesn't have enough acting talent to get a walk-on part in Gay Porn, but I'm nitpicking. On with the show!

The Show

Jillian shows up in Austin, Texas, and that can mean only one thing: she's in Grease Country. Greaeball Wes, that is. (Sub theme: Wes sucks!) Wes meets Jill and promptly takes her to meet his "family", his band. Yeah, that was a surprise. The Greaser warbles out some of his lame country music and fortunately constant voiceovers and private interviews are intercut to spare us the agony. Wes then serenades her acapella with "her song" for the three thousandth time this season. He sings the only two lines of this opus he apparently wrote while Jill wets herself in disbelief that her 'boyfriend' is actually a failed country musician. The producer assault begins with sliced and diced audio lines that imply that Wes not only has no feelings for her, but that he keeps a harem of groupies in his tour van, and probably has a case of the crabs as well. Is Wes this big a douche? I don't know, but I doubt it. I said last week that it's time for painting Wes as the villain of this piece, and they went all the way this time.

Then, suddenly: "Up in the sky...it's a bird! It's a plane!" Negative. It's a chessemachine. Jake, the cheesemachine, wearing his gay little pilot outfit arrives in Texas like Mighty Mouse about to save the day. He's here not to plead to Jill to take him back, but to warn her about that nefarious no-goodnik, Greaseball Wes, and his traveling orgy of seedy hos. The cheeser not only shows up, he then stops in the airport after making the trip and supposedly called Toejam Tanner, "To make sure I'm doing the right thing?" Huh? The nonexistent Toejam is never shown and Jake marches on to be Jill's Knight in Shining Sharp Cheddar Armor!

Grease vs. Cheese. Winner? Grease

Jill is seated on her couch when the director yells: "Cue door knock!" Jill gets up and in walks the cheesemachine who proceeds to put on 10 minutes of the worst acting I have ever seen in my life. Junior High School plays have better acting than this, but Jillian, acting or naive? laps it all up and starts to believably bawl over Wes's girlfriend, "Laurel." Jake leaves and the Greaser shows up and Jill confronts him and tells him Jake ratted him out. Wes, who does look caught out, lies like his ass is on fire. Jill then calls the cheeser back and the confrontation is on. Jake accuses, Wes denies, and Jill finally just says: "I'll have to go with my own instincts." Translation: Jake, get out! Wes grins at him as she leads him out and then the cheesemachine proceeds to flop over the hotel balcony railing and does a Jason Mesnick Impersonation. (On a believability scale from 1 to 10; a ZERO!) Work on it, cheesemachine, and don't quit your gay pilot day-job in the meantime! Jill then has a seat and Wes not only charms her with some of his folksy oil, he actually turns the tables on her, and pretty much says: "We goin' to my folks or not?" She promptly caves. (Is Fleiss using mind-altering drugs on her?) And off we go to Greaseland!


Greaseland

Wes stashes Laurel in a closet and leads Jill into his version of Elvis' home: Greaseland. Here Jill meets his family, which consists of a bevy of gullible females, who swear to almighty god that Wes is a stand-up guy. Haha. He sucks her naive face off. Date over.


Time to Drop Dead...Again!

Jill collapses on her sofa after showering for three days to get the grease off her skin, and promptly says: "I can't stand anymore surprises!"

Director: "Cue, door knock!"

In what is this season's worst kept secret, in walks Drop Dead Ed. It's at this point that the writers must have just collapsed from exhaustion. Jill looks like she figured this one out in advance, but still can't hide her giddiness at seeing Ed, (who is said all over the Internet, to really be the one with girlfriend at home. Haha. Keeping up?) "Ed, is work better? Did you quit your job? Is everything all right? If I take you back, do you swear to stand by me this time? Are you going to ask to marry me? How sure are you about us?" I wish I could report that Jillian asked any of these questions like she naturally would have, but she didn't. Ed merely says he made a mistake and asks her for a second chance, which she promptly grants.

Rose Ceremony

Yeah, yeah, I know: the wingman actually bestirred himself from wherever he lurks and had a sit down with Jill, but it was nothing but a recap of the previous one hour and forty minutes worth of crap we just watched. He exits the sit down first to let the five remaining victims know that there is actually a sixth, and in walks second chance Ed. Looks of shock and dread abound but with this editing it might have been when the wingman pranced in and cut a sour fart or announced, "Surprise! Jill's a tranny!" for all I know. The only face that seems to be genuine, is Michael, the breakdancer, and he seems to know that Ed is the face of his doom. Jill walks in looking stunning and gets to it.

1) Reid: the Seedlings pant and rejoice!

2) Kyptin: Kryptonians everywhere reload their vibrators with fresh batteries and sing hallelujah!

3) Ed: Second chance is on. Will his girlfriend be invited on the honeymoon?

4) Greaseball Wes: Boo! You suck! Snidely Whiplash gets to go to Spain. But his race is about run.

There you have it, folks. Drama? Yes. Bullshit? Absolutely! Romance? Huh?

See ya next week in Spain.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

6-22--Stopping the Feet and Cutting the Cheese

Well, there are two major irritants I don't have to put up with anymore, (Sorta).Two down, about three or four more to go. Canada sure is pretty, however, but I'm ready for a change of pace there too. When they climb into the hot tubs I'm actually waiting for one of them to turn blue. When the wingman pulled Jillian off the train this week, SHE was visibly shivering before he could get her inside. (I think they filmed a little too early in the spring.) But I suppose I'd better shut my hole about frigid Canadian weather because every time I talk about it, a whole host of people of the female persuasion are sure to inform me that despite what I'm seeing (and what I've always heard) that Canada is actually a dry, arid, hellish inferno that routinely suffers temperatures near 99*....in the shade. (wink). So, I guess instead of harping on frozen Canadian weather I'd better spend my time harping on Canadian women of suspect taste in men--and the Tools who want to love them.

Throw Robby from the Train

Well not really, but at least that would have been entertaining, and suspenseful, which is a hell of a lot more than I can say for the actual date. A private train ride through the Rocky Mountains. This should have been about the most romantic thing you can imagine; the scenery alone nearly had the Wench Queen swooning, but if there was any romance here, I damn sure missed it. Perhaps it's the men. Or perhaps it's the absence of Drop Dead Ed. Early in the episode Jill mentioned missing him and nearly started bawling again. It's pretty obvious he's going to be back and other than Greaseball Wes and the producers sudden decision to introduce him to the axles of a Greyhound Bus, when I'm certain he'd been running his mouth in private interviews about his greasy intentions all along, there isn't much going on of interest. Anyway, the wingman meets the Tools in their Tool Belt in Moose Antler or whatever part of Canada he's had them stashed. He tells them that this week there will be 2 one-on-one dates, and one group date. Jill meets them and they climb aboard a train to visit the Canadian Rockies. But before we can view the magnificent vistas Jill lays the first date card on them. Inter-cuts show the several members of the Tool Brigade, led my Michael the breakdancing teenager and Jake, the ever-disingenuous cheesemachine, swearing to god above that they are gonna' lay it all on the line to Jillian. Bully. But it turns out that the date card is for Robby the bartender, and a more foregone conclusion to a rose date we've have scarcely seen. Jill takes him to a private car where Robby demonstrates what is obviously his one skill in the entire world: he makes them booze. He tries (and I emphasize tries) to teach Jillian how to juggle booze mixing glasses...which she promptly drops. Wow, I've haven't seen glass juggling this entertaining since Tiny Tom Cruise showed his mean skillz in that cinematic masterpiece, Cocktail. ZZZZZZZZZZ. Anyway, Jill tries to inject some fake-drama into the proceedings by saying: "Robby makes me feel 10 years younger." Yep, a regular fountain of youth is our Robby; twenty-five years-old, callow, unemployed, lacking in ambition and seeing nothing wrong with it either. (Thank you, casting department!) Oh, the suspense! I was really on the edge of my seat there. I certainly expected a thirty-year-old woman, professional, accomplished, and in the marriage market to go ape over this guy, didn't you? Jillian performs a mercy killing on this boy that lacks mercy--she dumps him off the train in the middle of the Rockies. Filming tried to make it looked like they stranded him there too. Now that would have been funny. The other guys feign disbelief at the window but actually laugh and do everything but yell: "Get a job, you loser!" One down.

Enter le Greaseball

Greaseball Wes moves to center stage of our consciousness to make up for the lack of actual romance and quite the skeezer he is too. Jill, who is answering week by week the question of why she's still single at 30, lets the country-fried sleazer comfort her after dumping her kiddy bartender. She coos about his good intentions and peals of laughter ring out across the land as she says it too. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt; it's obviously a Canadian thing too. For the first time, the producers begin playing vid clips of Wes bragging about how he's using this show for publicity to try and sell his pathetic CD. I watch a few minutes and a get an uncontrollable urge to have a shower. I'll be right back.


Group Walking

Wow. It was no less exciting than that it sounds too. I'm glad I cut my shower short to see this. Jill takes her other Tools, less Reid (Yes!), and they go for a walk in snowshoes. Man snowshoes sure have changed since I used to see them on TV when I was kid. They used to look like some luckless bastard had strapped tennis rackets to the bottom of his feet. Now, well they look like...I'm not sure, but they're still as boring as ever...and that I am sure of. Fears of raising the audiences blood pressures notwithstanding, they inject even more wildness into this date by having Jillian play hide-and-go-seek with them. (Insert your own joke, I shouldn't have to.) Jake, the cheesemachine does a product promo for Emerald Lake Resort, and even that's exciting compared to this date. Toejam Tanner also decides to reintroduce some talk about Jillian feet. (Rolls eyes) and he's just getting started too. Once night falls and they go back to the lodge he decides to drop his drawers and show Jillian his package in front of everyone. Dumbass. Jillian insists its too early to see any units , but she does rate Tanner as "Huge!" Damn, she must not get out much. I'm sure it was compared to Jason's needle-dick, Jill, but all of that was too much information. While Jillian is being entertained by Toejam's latest show of sexual depravity, an inter-cut shows mystery-man Reid, who've we've scarcely seen five weeks into the show, wandering around the deserted train quizzing the service staff for advice. "Should I wear glasses, or not?" Seeing Reid soliciting romantic advice from a train conductor was weird and I only take solace in the knowledge that this was a producer stunt, but based on what we finally see from Reid later, I'm actually wondering. Anyway, back at the group date, Jill gives up the feet and Toejam gets to lube her up as a going away present. I think this was the Network TV equivalent of what we used to call a pity f*ck for perverts, and I need another shower. But before I can escape, Kiptyn from Krypton gets a few minutes alone with Jill, and because she's sober this time, he doesn't get to feel her ass up as a way of saying: "Hello!" Anyway, the two of them do their usual--which is to say they exchange about three words and then suck face. The entire surreal experience is being constantly inter-cut with interviews of the cheesemachine swearing eternal love and the more discerning viewer realizes he's toast. Anyway, the all climb into a hot tub before everyone freezes to death and Jill gives her tongue-buddy from Krypton the flower.

What a dork!

It's time (at last) for us to actually see and hear Reid. Six shows into the season and Reid is finally brought staggering forward. Jill takes him for some one-on-one time and Reid, who's been the enigma wrapped inside a mystery is finally unveiled...and what a neurotic dork he turns out to be! Cutaways, that have been assiduously not shown to this point, start in and several of the guys all hammer Reid as a yammering, anal-compulsive irritant. As if to prove the point, Jill takes him into a room for dinner, and Reid launches into a diatribe about the danger of fondue. (Yes, you read that correctly). The guy is germ-phobic and acts like the communal frying of meat in a fondue pot surely leads to salmonella. This is the guy women all over the Internet have been heavy-breathing about? The guy sounds like Felix Unger! But Jill seems to think he's hot anyway and yammers on about "their connection" while admitting in the same breath that they have nothing in common. Yeah, this would last. She asks him about how they could plan the future with him in Philly and her in Alberta. She swears she loves his answer of: "We don't worry about it. It will work out of it's meant to be." which sounds like the biggest cop-out in the universe to me, but she thinks it's just charming. Finally Jill starts fingering the rose and Reid pulls back, "I'm nervous here!" (Probably afraid of insecticide poisoning) but she roses him anyway. Looks like Jill is heading to Philly to meet Reid's yenta, er, I mean his mom.

Rose Time

Mysteriously they all are transported from the hotel and other environs and end up back on the train where the wingman, playing choo-choo conductor, meets them and announces it's rose time. Before she hands out some flowers, the producers have some time to kill, and instruct the wingman to have a sit-down with her so she can tell us the painfully obvious. on to rose time and Jill walks out and gets the signal that there's even more time to kill, so she hauls Michael, the breakdancing little brother away to decide if a twenty-five year-old professional breakdancing teacher is ready to commit to marriage and join her in the incestuous bonds of holy matrimony and child-rearing. Satisfied that his mom will let him out of the nursery long enough for the wedding and conception, they return to the ceremony.

Already safe: Reid the dork, and Kiptyn from Krypton.

Roses:

1) Jesse, the winemaker, whom I haven't even bothered to mention this entire entry. Suffice it to say, he isn't exactly making an impression on me.

2) Greaseball Wes. His star is on the rise as the producer's prepare him for black villainy, really starting next week.

3) Michael, the breakdancing little brother. Hey, the Pharaohs of Egypt married their sisters.

Dumped: Toejam Tanner--who gets pissed about it.

And Tah-Da! the Cheesemachine, who previews show will prove me right about being a producer plant by becoming the next in a long line of rejected stalkers by agreeing to producer wishes and crashing a future date between Jill and His Oiliness. Jake intends to be her knight in sharp-cheddar armor by returning and trying to warn her about that no-goodnik, the Greasball. Oh, man this crap is funny. We also see the wingman announce a surprise guest at an upcoming rose ceremony and editing tries to make it seem like it's the cheesemachine, but I'm guessing it will be the return of Drop-Dead Ed. And we'd better hope so, if there's any chance for actual romance.

See ya, then.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

5/15--He's Outta There!

So: Is it real; or was it scripted? That is the question preying on everyone's mind about the sudden departure of Drop-Dead Edward Swiderski, isn't it? Beats the hell outta' me. But I am sure that before I can write, edit, and post this worthless rag of mine, that Reality Steve will probably tell us. The betting money would be that it was all scripted, but we'll see. It does appear that the show has rounded the turn and is now headed for home this season. Four and 1/2 episodes of sophomoric, mean-drunk syndrome, and closeted homosexuality is now pretty much in the books and the event that is going to be used as the dramatic fulcrum of this season is finally unfolding. Will Ed be back? Betting money on the net says 'yes'. Will fans hate him if he does return, or will all be forgiven by both them and Jillian? If he does come back begging, will she accept him? Reject him? Is this a case of true love conquers all and second chances or is it a look at what happens when you let a dumb 'ol thing like the career you've worked for for more than a decade get in the way of the Bachelorette's dream of slavish romance? The bigger question is: does anyone care? Ah, we shall see. But first I guess I better try and recap this crap.

"Here for the right reasons?"

Ok, ok, enough with this season's anthem please. Between this and the phantom chase after the non-existent girlfriend, it's all we've heard...which is, I guess, why they let Ed take a conference call from big bossman and get threatened to be fired if he didn't get his ass back to work. Something had to break the detective mystery of just 'who has a girlfriend' and 'who is here for the right (wrong!)' reasons. Since we know from past incarnations that these people are hermetically sealed in the Bachelor-bubble so they become besotted victims of the Stockholm Syndrome, it makes you wonder whether or not Producer/ Ham & Egger, Mike Fleiss, didn't call Ed's boss and demand that he threaten to fire him to inject some badly needed drama. But I'm getting ahead of myself. First I have to recap the other ninety minutes of frozen frolic and fun, and the whole thing starts with a trip to Whistler, Canada, which I've never heard of. But the word:Whistler, in Canadian, must mean: the ass-end of frozen nowhere. Cut loose from their Malibu Tool Box, the Tools, have to make do with a mobile HQ I might as well dub: The Tool Belt. Well I'll bet these denizens of Tool-dom won't be bitching about that rough-hewn bunkhouse anymore. The weather in Whistler appears to be about 40 below and personally I was scared one of them was going to be attacked by a polar bear on a date. Pretty? Yes. But so is Antarctica, and I'm not going there anytime soon.

The wingman, taking most of this episode off, let's Jill announce the date line-up in a voice over. Two, 1-on-1's, and a group-date. Jill walks her Tools over to an igloo...sorry, I mean a hotel, before they all freeze to death and leaves them a date card that says Michael, the breakdancing teenager will be going on the first date. She takes him even deeper into the countryside and they go frozen zip-lining. This is a Bachelor staple, but this time it's with the additional risk of hypothermia instead of sunstroke. Bully. Michael attacks the zip-line with the glee of a chimp let loose on a high wire. Jill says: "I really need to see if there is a romantic connection there." There isn't. This will look familiar to any female who has a horndog younger brother who used to pester all your girlfriends who came over to the house for attention. Any time he gets near her I start to hear the banjo music from Deliverance. This was painful to watch. They go to dinner afterward at a wine cellar and some French fop named Pierre or something comes out and plays gargoyle or whatever they call the table whore amongst the French. He show them 'sabreing'. Breakdance reacts the way I would have; he wants to know if he's gonna' have to fence somebody for his dinner. Turns out those spunky Canadians don't just open their champagne like us rustic Americans do. Nope, we rednecks just open it and drink it. (sniff!) Canadians open the bubbly with a sword. Ok. Anyway, they drink and eat and have a boring conversation about love. Jill then fingers the rose and Michael (or the writers running to his rescue) starts hitting her with some grown-up sounding cheese that's pretty good. It seems to do the job and she roses him. Much to my profound relief, however, she gives him a feeble hug and a peck on the cheek instead of making-out with him. Hot stuff! In between, we switch back to the Tool Belt, and see the continuing non-story of 'someone has a girlfriend'. ZZZZZZZZ.

The Snowmobiling Detective Agency

Jill then takes her group date snowmobiling in the woods of Canada. They get moving quickly before their blood congeals and Jill hauls away Robby, the bartender so he can apologize for blowing up at the last rose ceremony. Inter-cuts show Greaseball Wes and the Drop-Deader ragging him for being a 'child.' They agree that he represents zero threat and I'm not going to argue. Jill and him do the whole age thing about the five year age difference between them. They hug. Wow, very hot. The producers then send Toejam Tanner over to break them up so we can get to the actual point of this date: pursuing the non-existent girlfriend, and what better way to do that than to send Jill's designated spy, the Toe-licker, over for some one-on-one and we finally get to find out who has a sweetie back home. Or not. She reminds him that he promised to tell her who has a girlfriend and he backpedals away as hard as he can. Jill then grills him! No, not really. It all ends with a, "Uh, ok." Wow, the third degree indeed. Next, Greaseball Wes comes swaggering into the snow drift and gets a chance to plug his upcoming million non-seller again. They discuss the obvious reason he actually came on this show and then he smack us with this beauty: "Hey, I didn't sign up for this. My sister submitted my name for the show." Hahah. And I thought the greaser had no sense of humor. Jill then sucks his lying face off for him. It's nightfall after the commercial and they all sit around outside huddled around a bonfire with plenty of antifreeze to keep them from dying from cold. She does some dancing on an ice bar and then it's time for the moment we've all been waiting for: the problems of Drop-Dead Ed.

Back to Junior High

Before Ed's problems are revealed, however, there's time for Jillian to get gassed and cuddle up in a bed with Kiptyn from Krypton, and boy is she hammered! She starts this drunken make-out session by ordering Kip to feel her butt. He does and then she slurs the familiar old refrain we all remember from junior high school: "I like you! Do you like me!?" Kip notes slyly that the only thing missing is the note delivered from her best friend with check boxes on it. He laughs at her but then shows some horndog. Argh! A drunk woman on a bed is like sounding a bugle charge to a man and Kip moves in for some slurpy kissin'. Problem is, Kip's aim sucks. He ends up making out with the area just above her upper lip and below her right nostril. C'mon, Krypton, work on it. Doesn't matter though; she was too drunk to remember how amateurish it was,("We had good conversation." Huh?) and Kip's army of female swooners would be happy to donate their own right nostrils to the cause. A cutaway shows Jesse, the winemaker will get the other one-on-one. Cutback and we see Jillian getting a moment alone with...who is that? Do we know this guy? Whoa! It's Reid! Holy crap, Reid exists! Oh my, I wasn't expecting that. I was beginning to think he was a mannequin they placed in the background to make the room look full of horny suitors. Well, its good to see the Seed at last. Now when his army of female horndogs get all hot and bothered over him they'll have something to actually talk about besides his dreamy-boy lips, killer smile, and dorky glasses.
Jill starts it all off with some awkward questioning: "Where do you see Reid in five years? Are you married?"
Reid is ready: 'Uh, uh, well, definitely married."
Jill: "Ok, and what are you doing?"
Reid: "Uh, well, the kids and I...(murmur, murmur, mumble, mumble.)
Jill: (Panicked): "How cool am I?"
Reid: "You smell good; like snow and flowers...and gasoline."
(Damn, this guy is smooth!)
Jill: "So...who has a girlfriend?"
Reid nearly does a spit take with his brewski.
"You heard that?"
We've ALL heard it Reid! But instead of answering he nimbly dances away with some jokes. (Not exactly The Closer, is she?) She finally decides to skip the girlfriend bit. Thank you!

Back out to the drunken bonfire, it's time to finally get to Ed. Jill sits him down on a log and they talk. Ed tells her: "I had a conference call this morning and the boss told me to get back or get another job," or something like that. He questions what he's even doing there and she looks less than thrilled. He tells us in a PI that if "Jill gives me indicators of strong feelings for me, then it'll make walking away nearly impossible." I guess the operative word here was nearly. She gives him the rose with the caveat that he can give it back if he decides to leave. Jake, the cheesemachine fulfills his one useful task of the entire episode and forecasts: "This is not the economy to lose your job in. I'm confident that he won't be at the next rose ceremony." The cheesemachine hath spoken.

Jillian's Glacier:

Despite her profound fear that Ed is leaving, Jillian manages to stow it away and flies Jesse, the winemaker out to 'her' glacier and they frolic in the snow. Many deep things were said that I don't remember but they get to make like penguins and frolic in the ice. Many a beautiful Canadian vista is shown but once the Ed-Bomb was dropped I had a hard time paying attention. He swoons about the best day of his life and gets the rose while playing in yellow snow or something. They go to dinner and he tells her her voice could put a meth freak to sleep or something. Riveting stuff.He's safe; date over.

Exit: Stage Left

That Ed-Bomb that's been ticking finally goes off. Jill goes to his room so he can drop it too. "Since we've talked, a lot of things have changed." Naturally, he never tells us what. She comes in and they have a sit-down. He mumbles a preamble for his exit and she starts crying before he's done: "I have to leave." Then he won't give up the rose. Then she launches into what is obviously the stage-setter for what is yet to come: "Promise me, that when you do find the person you're crazy aboat, don't let work get in the way." Hmmmm, foreshadowing anyone? In a PI she works herself up into a tizzy and not only bawls but bawls until she has a nose full of snot bawls. He wanders out and loads his bags while somber guitars play in the background and he assures us he is sad. Boo hoo. Was she that upset? I have no idea. Maybe she's that good an actress or maybe Fleiss extinguished a lit cigar on her foot; I don't have any idea. Like I said, I'm sure Reality Steve will. Anyway: Was this staged? Probably. Ed is an IT consultant and I was under the impression that if these guys had a laptop and a Blackberry they could work their magic from anywhere. Ed's bosses seem to think not. Now I know they are about five feet from Santa's workshop, but I can't believe Ed couldn't do his stuff from there. We'll see.

Enter Incredulous Wingman

Jill does some PI's in her cocktail dress and ruins her make-up talking about Ed again. Harrison slithers into the decision room for his sit-down and Jill tells him Ed left. "Whoa, I'm so sorry." Hahahahah. Poor old Harrison, hiding in that control room all week; he had no idea 'ol Ed went and did a runner. And these guys wonder why everybody thinks this shit is scritped? The wingman, being the winger, then passes the colby jack: "I see you more emotional now than when you left...with Jason." Jesus, did we have to mention him? She confirms, but being an independent, spunky, Canadian-type she bravely soldiers on. She tells him she needs no extra alcohol to make up her mind for the night so Harrison leads his Joan of Arc to the rose ceremony ungassed.

Joan of Arc at a Rose Ceremony

Despite her heartbreak, Jill comes in beaming and passes out some flowers.

Already safe: Michael, the breakdancing teenager and Jesse, the winemaker.

1) Reid--the invisible Seed strikes again.

2) Kiptyn--Mr. Goofy-Kiss hangs on

3) Robby the bartender--Unemployed and 25, but still a playa.

4) Jake, the smirking cheesemachine--rewarded for being the producers exposition character this week. Other than that, mercifully mute.

5) Toejam Tanner--ok.

The wingman let's us know there is one-whole-single-solitary-rose left in the silver dish and anyone who doesn't get it can just get the hell out. "Jillian, Ed stole the last rose and we had to get another, so be careful with this one."

6) Greaseball Wes--'ol 40 quart apologizes about Ed. hehehe.

Dumped: Mark, the pizza king. He leaves with the same uncaring air he came with.

Next week: A train ride through the Rockies and Greaseball Wes gets bold about what a skeezer he is. Some advance billing is included to let us know that some dude needs some Viagra to help shore up the lead in his pencil. See ya then.

Monday, June 8, 2009

5/8--Man Up!







"Oh, my stars, I just got soooooo dumped!"




Liberace-Juan gets the boot, but he's still smiling.


No pain; no gain I suppose. The pain was the first hour and a half--the gain was the last thirty minutes and Jillian dismissing two of her biggest losers. I also want you to know, Dear Reader, that my cable went out last night and I spent the last several hours re-watching the last hour or so just so I could faithfully report to you. Sorry about that. I'm not usually such a self-indulgent whiner but after watching all that mewling and crying coming from the boys, I feel corrupted, and after having to see Jake, the cheesemachine audition for his role as a dairy-spokesman twice; entitled as well. This night did finally produce the first watchable episode of the season so if Dish Network was going to pick a good time to crap out, well, it was a good one I suppose. This one had as much drama as a usual episode of the Bachelor, but that's probably because the cast is made up of so many Nancy-boys...as well as perverts, liars, and drunken apes. Ah, diversity.

Tested for Hypothermia

The episode opens with the wingman making like a rooster and waking the boys at the crack of dawn. He tells them this week it's 1, one-on-one date, one group date, and one of the dreaded, 2-on-1, somebody-is-toast date. But he also tells the Tools that they'll be leaving the Tool Box behind for good and heading to Vancouver, British Columbia so they can meet Jillian, and Fleiss and Co. can hire some non-union, Canadian film crews and save more money than they did at Geico. It's also a chance for Jillian to test their resistance to hypothermia in the off chance she actually falls in love with one of them. The boys immediately pack everything but their bedsheets for warmth. Jillian awaits them at the Fairmont Hotel in Vancouver. They are bedded down in a set of suites and she leaves them with the first date-card of the week. Turns out Kiptyn from Krypton, one of my Invisibles, scores the one-on-one. He meets Jill around a lake in a park and I shudder to see that Jillian has a light coat on. (Must be mid-July). Kip, who's from California, comes racing up to her and throttles her with some affection and tries to steal some body heat. I had to re-watch this twice because the Wench Queen was yelling, "Did she just wipe a booger out of his nose?" No, dear, she just tweaked him but it was an odd gesture of greeting. (Must be some Canadian thing). They go kayaking and I silently prey the kayaks don't tip over because if they do Kip will be a Popsicle before the rescue craft can fish him out. They row around a little and she challenges him to a race. I think Jill was testing his chivalry here because she looks about as athletic as Jerry Lewis, so Kip plays the gent and rows in slow motion. Then Jillian takes him to some Mall of the North America's or something and they buy some groceries. Then they go back to her place (or wherever Fleiss has rented for her) and she cooks while he snuggles her from behind. Inter-cut interviews let us know she is in 7th heaven and they do indeed look cute together. This is certainly the most we've seen of Kip since day 1, but I gotta' be honest here: I see plenty of chemistry on her part, but on his? Not so much so. Kip says it was a "real-world date." and he's right. Exciting? No. Entertaining? Mildly. But for any rooters out there it was very reminiscent of the date between Molly the Bland and Jason the douche on last season's show (and we all know how that turned out.) Kip seemed very nice but extremely cautious and if he's all that into her; well, I don't see it. At least not yet anyway. They do go and feed some birds and Kip fulfills a necessary requirement for any Bachelor(ette) finalist: he has a charity. Bully. Personally, I don't know one single human being who runs a charity but it must be a box you have to check on the application to get on this show. But there can be no doubt of the Rose and both Kip and his Rogaine supplements are going to be around a while.
While Kip is securing his rose and some kissies, the date card arrives announcing who is on the group date. The names are all called except Marblesack Mike and the pizza empresario, Mark Who? Before the group-date gang takes off, Mark asks some guys what they think of his chances. Liberace-Juan tells him he's a goner...which, of course, means he isn't.

Curling?

Yes, that's right; curling. Also known as ice-shuffle board. You know, that sport we've all seen on Olympic TV coverage that has 'em rolling in the aisles. Why not hockey if they wanted to keep it Canadian? Curling is ridiculous. It looks like a Supermario game when those guys get them brooms going...and that's when experts are playing it. This? Ha! Starting things off, Greaseball Wes slips on his own grease and slides across the ice like a bird squirted out from the Exxon Valdes. Hey, maybe I like curling after all. Jill splits the guys up into two teams (red and blue) and they curl or whatever you call it. Anyway, they all suck--that is: every last one of them. It looked as clueless as if some guys from Tampa were all made to play cricket: hopeless. Finally another of the Invisibles, Jesse the winemaker, manages to slide a thingy into the bulls-eye and wins it for the red team, but blows his moment of triumph by putting on a celebration dance that looked like an old man with constipation. Jill now takes the red team, which is comprised almost solely of losers, and gets herself trapped on a boat with them. Oh joy. Trapped in a small boat cabin with Caveman Dave. (She should get hazard pay for that) And having the Caveman and the object of his roid-raging, alcoholic-fueled obsession, Liberace Juan, stuck together in a 10 square foot area? Fab-u-lous! Jill toasts them all and names Jesse as a curling hero. He predicts citizenship. Ok. Jill starts to make her moves and Dave calls for "Tequila!" Uh-oh.

Jill decides to delay the unpleasant and deals with the disingenuous first. That's right, folks, it's time for the return of Jake, the cheesemachine. You remember him, the guy who is a professional pilot and not the guy with the IMB movie page with a few acting credits on his resume? Well, ya see, the ol' Cheeser has been feeling down of late--downright blue as a matter of fact. Seems he's barely seen Jill since he nearly proposed marriage on their first date. Well they sit down for a talk and he starts revving up right away and thanks her for their date: "It made my year, made my life!" Jill shuts him down by telling him he's "Too perfect! Every word out of your mouth is perfect." Translation: Stop being full of shit; I can tell. Eww, right in the 'ol Gouda with that one.The Cheeser wanders away in confusion. He even asks one of the guys, "Am I too perfect?" I couldn't see who he asked but if it was Liberace Juan, I'm sure the answer was: "Of course you are, darling. You're positively delicious!" Next Jill snares Jesse, the winemaker to finally spend some time with him. Jesse, exultant from his curling triumph, decides to festoon himself with the dorkiest looking hat I have ever seen. He looks like some fruity Englishman whose about to hop into his motorcar and drop by the polo match. Lose the lid, bub. Anyway, he and her share some deep thoughts or something and then they kiss. Her body language says: "Eh, I don't know," but I might be wrong. I've never been much at reading body language and I can't tear my eyes away from that dumb hat. He looks like Huckleberry Eastbridge or something. Jillian can no longer avoid the inevitable and here comes Caveman Dave, who's obviously found that bottle of Mexican grog he was looking for. Dave comes stomping into the cabin with his hairy knuckles dragging on the carpet and starts in on her with his (ahem) charm. "Your ass is really hot! Urgh, me want it!" He basically treats her like she just finished a lap dance for him and is eager to stick a Lincoln into her g-string. Unsurprisingly, Jillian reacts like any woman who doesn't make internet porn. "I need to be with somebody who treats me with respect." He tries to kiss her and she shuts him down. He then basically tells her she's a kissing-whore and "Ooga Booga, me too!" One douche bag down, several more to go. Jesse and his dumb hat get the rose.

Slobber, slobber, slobber!

It's 2-on-1, rose-or-get-lost time and the mood of this date is set right at the beginning. Jillian awaits the dynamic duo in a park and Marblesack Mike charges her like he has horns on his head. Mark Who?, either indifferent or unwilling to toadie, walks over to her slowly and then greets her. She drags them off to yet another helicopter saying: "The best way to see Vancouver is by helicopter and I can't wait to show it to them." Five minutes into the flight I think she actually meant 'all of British Columbia', instead of Vancouver. They fly way up into the mountains and Canada is indeed beautiful. Frozen, but beautiful. They land at a place called: Grouse Mountain Lodge. The scenery is breathtaking as they sit down to dinner. Marblesack pulls out the hardsell like he's been taking lessons from the cheesemachine. He slobbers everywhere and basically thanks almighty bog he's even allowed to be in the same room with her while Mark, the pizza king, twiddles his thumbs. Jill talks about stressful it is and Mark begins, "Hey, we're both big boys; no matter what happens--" before Marblesack cuts him off and tells her its all about being near her. She takes Mike for a walk to a bay window with an immaculate backdrop of falling snow and he basically proposes marriage. "I will do anything--ANYTHING to please you!" Before he can start licking her boots with the foam forming in the sides of his mouth, she gives him a tepid hug and they go back. Next she takes Mark over to a couch where he tells her about past heartbreak and why it's so hard for him to trust. He then rags all the other douches for proclaiming true love after two dates and god bless the little minx she laughs right along with him. She starts to whine about time-pressure and he cuts her off: "Hey, you need to quit worrying about us and worry about yourself. This is the time to be selfish." Argh! Are those some balls I sense? I'm adding pizza-man to my Invisibles list. She then asks if he believes love is possible in this venue (i.e. stupid TV show) he hems a little and then crushes her with a smile and an "Absolutely." Game over. See ya, Marblesack.

Cocktail Party...Maybe.

Juan: "This party is important. It's going to tell us which way Jilly is heading." From the results, I'd say that direction is hetero, Liberace. First up is the Original Invisible himself, Reid (The seed!) Jill gives him a quick hug and Reid tells her to stay out of the penthouse because she wouldn't want to see some of the other guys unguarded. She tries to press him but he cleverly distracts her: "I want to kiss you." We can assume he does. Then in a P.I. he rags Greaseball Wes as being there "just for his music." Duh. Speaking of the country-fried loser, he comes into view giving Jill a piggyback ride and clearly the snowstorm we saw at the lodge has taken her eyesight from her because he lies to her like his ass is on fire and she swallows it, hook, line, and sinker. "I'm ready to settle down and have kids." Toejam-Tanner and Drop Dead Ed spy on them through the window and somebody yells: "Disgusting!" D.D.E then worms his way into this pirates heart (and probably out of the winners circle) by hammering the Greaser, "Hey, guys, there is some country-music-singing-turd on the roof." Argh!!! Let it out, brother! Then while Wes slimes Jill up pretty good, Toe-jam gets sufficiently bombed to threaten to expose Wes for having a girlfriend if he can get Jill alone. Producers say: "If you cause trouble; you're wish is our command!" and quick as a hiccup they have sit down. Toe-jam doesn't name names but he rats out the rats in the house. This causes Jill to call a halt to the cocktail party. That's the official line anyway, but they ain't foolin' your old redbeard. They called it off because they knew she was gonna' dump Caveman Dave and they needed to halt it before he got too liquored-up and killed several other cast members when he she dumps him. True, true, it would have been great TV to see him strangle Liberace Juan, but the damage he would have done in that hotel room would have been immense, not to mention the lawsuits. They also make sure Juan gets his walking papers at the same time so the time bomb doesn't explode. I have no doubt that Jill was pissed at these revelations but come on?

Wingman Interruptus

Harrison comes in for a therapy session and cheeses Jill up. (You'd think she'd have reached her quota on that for the week.) "Well before anymore roses are handed out, we're going to get to the bottom of this." Yeah, right. Then he seems stumped on how to achieve this miracle. (How about showing her some of the miles of footage you have of Wes bragging about everything under the sun, would be my suggestion.) They confront the guys and this leads to nada. The drama was so thick you couldn't cut it with a blow dryer though.

Wingman: "Ok, whose gonna' man-up?"

Somebody: "Who's gonna' man-up?"

Jesse, the winemaker: "It's gonna' come out. Somebody needs to man-up."

Director: "Cue cheesemachine!"

Cheesemachine: "I want to say something. (Winks at camera)I'm here to find love and if someone is here with a girlfriend, well, then you're a coward." (Yeah, no wonder this guy is a pilot.)

Robby the bartender: "Me and breakdance-boy didn't get time with you and we don't have roses. If we get sent home, it's bullshit!"

Toe-jam Tanner: "Quit looking at me Juan, you F*******r!"

Liberace Juan: "I'm looking all around. Simmer down."

Caveman Dave: "I want to know who ratted!"

Jillian: (Loose translation) "Screw you, loser; I want to know if it's true!"

Greaseball Wes: "I'm clean." (Spoken like someone who's had to say that to a cop after a routine traffic stop)

D.D. Ed: (Looking bewildered) "I...I don't have a girlfriend."

Wingman: "Ok, guys, thanks for clearing that up for us." (Huh?) "Jill, you ready?"

Jill: "No!"

Wingman: "Ok, here we go."

Already safe: Jesse, the winemaker, Mark, the pizza-king, and Kiptyn from Krypton.

Roses:

1) Reid the Seed

2) Robby the bartender

3) Drop-Dead Ed

4) Breakdance Mike

5) Greaseball Wes

6) Jake, the cheesemachine

7) Toe-jam Tanner

Dumped: Liberace Juan and Urghhh! Caveman Dave. Juan swishes out lisping, "You've got some great guys there." like he'd love nothing more than a parting dog pile for the road. But he acts mystified: "I don't know why. I don't have a girlfriend at home." Yeah, I don't think she was worried about you. Fortunately they shut off the funski valve in time and Dave doesn't go nuclear. They also had enough sense to send them home in separate cabs.

Next week: Jill cries a lot and all fingers point at Wes...which means it isn't him. The voice on the sneak peek saying, "I have to leave," sounded suspiciously like Ed to me, but I'm terrible with voices, so you can probably ignore that. Jill does seem heartbroken that someone is leaving. Graham Bunn redux anyone? Somebody call DeYawna. On second thought; don't. See ya then!

Monday, June 1, 2009

5/1--Beat the Dead Horse

Ugh. That was just plain damn ugly. Mean drunks suck. One hour and forty-five minutes of watching a mean drunk was like having my nuts pulverized with a ball peen hammer. And when Caveman Dave wasn't beating his chest and howling at the moon like a drunken ape, Toe-jam Tanner was on hand to publicly boast of his foot-fetish in such graphic detail that I wanted Caveman Dave to crush his balls with a sledgehammer to protect the rest of the civilized world. Amidst the overkill of bad human tricks, the Producers managed to wedge in about 5 minutes of actual romance. But they couldn't even do that without forcing the star of the show to participate in an oral orgy that would have sickened Larry Flynt. Not content to gross us out with the worst and most base behavior of the male of the species, they were sure to introduce a Brokeback Mountain flavor to the show...because there hasn't been enough of a homoerotic vibe on this set already. Damn, this show is pure class.

Your Five Minutes of Romance

Wingman Harrison announces the date line-up in the usual manner. Two 1-on-1 dates and one group orgy--er mouthrape contest--er group date filmed at a Cowboy set. The 1 0n 1 date (at least the first one) was about the only satisfying moment of the entire night. Jillian takes Ed--the guy I have been calling: A Brad Garrett look-a-like, (but who the Wench Queen in her terminal perfection, showed me actually looks like some dead dude on Grey's Anatomy named "Denny" ; so now he's Drop-Dead Ed)--to scale a skyscraper. First I thought they were going to climb it, then I thought they were going to hop off it on one of those ziplines. Damn, I was impressed there for a minute. Then I thought they were going to rappel down it. Wow. But then I saw they were going to be lowered over the side and slowly eased down to a pool deck by a crew using a block and tackle--and when I say slowly I mean S-L-O-W-L-Y. It was like bungee jumping in slow motion...out your front door. So much for being impressed. Anyway, Drop Dead said he was scared but didn't want to wimp out on front of Jill. He does launch a good one while hanging there in his block and tackle seat: "You better give me a rose!" Way to piss your drawers, Ed. Silly building stunt over. Then Jill takes him into a swimming pool and proceeds to ride all over his crotch while they smooch. So much for that mystery. The make, model, and caliber of the weapon Ed has hidden in his shorts is no longer a secret to our favorite Canadian.

Jill then takes him up to the roof of the Bonaventure Hotel and Ed proceeds to get several casting directors fired for looking and acting (Dare I say it!) sincere. Who the hell let this guy on the show!? Not once did I hear Ed profess his undying love; he didn't pull out his guitar and serenade her with a song from his up-coming CD nor did he promise to fly her to Uganda for dinner or build her a magic fairy-castle in the sky. Instead Ed talked earnestly about having trouble balancing his career and personal life and instead of sounding ready for his close-up, he acted and looked both uncomfortable with the cameras around and (gasp!) genuinely interested in Jillian. (Hell just froze!) When Jill asked him what he wanted to ask her, he cut straight to the chase and asked if he was going to get the rose because he was "really nervous." Jillian, obviously unaccustomed to sincerity in her suitors, spluttered and practically stapled the rose to his chest in a frenzy. (So much for making him sweat, Jill.) Ed, like any good Field General, sensed his move had unbalanced his opponent and moved in for a quick snog. Jillian ( in diametric opposition as to how she will behave later) grabbed his hands, slammed them around her waist and sucked his face off. (It's early, but we may have a player here, folks.) Hope you enjoyed that because that's about it. Sweetness just about over.

The Good. The Bad. And the downright Gay.


Maybe I should have titled this the spit-swapping Olympics. Jillian takes eleven--I said ELEVEN Guys--for some intimate, forced, dumbassed-looking, make-out filming at some kiddie cowboy land. The boys all get dressed up in various cowboy outfits and then make out with Jillian. It was forced, coerced, and looked like contractual rape for the most part. Toe-jam Tanner gets dressed like Uncle Cletus, while they miss a delicious opportunity and dress Liberace Juan in a bad-assed Clint Eastwood outfit while forcing several straight guys to dress like members of The Village People. Brad, the dork, gets his shot to kiss Jill and takes a novel tack by playing dead. Pathetic is a good description. After that it turns into a mouth-orgy as one guy after another gets his snog. It gets so embarrassing at one point that Jill has to remind them: "Hey, you guys, no tongues!" Lovely. Greaseball Wes takes her aside for a dose of his arrogant, country swagger and basically accuses her of cheating on him. Jill brushes it off by saying "It's a-BOAT acting."He then plays it folksy and kisses her cheek, obviously fearing trench mouth from all the action she's been getting. The lone spark of anything interesting comes at the end when Robby the bartender gets his shot. They do their scene and Robby tries to imbue it with some passion and at the end, he lifts her off the ground and they go at it. Robby must dig her because by this time in the shoot he had to be gargling about a galleon of backwash from Liberace Juan and co. but bravely dives in anyway. This one Jill says: "Wasn't acting." I could tell. They finish the shoot by making the Mike's; both breakdance and the speedo-wearing Marblesack, do a gay scene. That's appropriate on a heterosexual dating show. Huh? What the hell was that for? This was insulting to gay people and Liberace Juan already has that affront adequately covered. Stoopid.


Prime-time Porno

Eleven guys and one girl in a hot tub? Yeah, I've seen that before...just never on Network TV. It looked exhausting then. This time it just looked lame. We finally get to see Reid, who drags her aside and confesses to having been in-love: "One and a half times." Huh? That sounds like being pregnant three and two-thirds times. Nevermind. It's the first time Reid has been trundled out and despite that weird intro he looks positively glowing compared to these other losers. It's also the first time we've seen Jill drink too much. Bad timing girl. A hot tub filled with eleven guys is probably the wrong place and time for an 85 lbs. woman to start hitting the sauce. It's also the beginning of Toe-jam Tanners decision to get bombed and play a game called: What's my Perversion!? He starts heavy breathing over her feet again. It will get worse. Robby the bartender shows some smoothness and gets the date rose. Jill then takes them all to a wrap party where we get to see the entire gigolo farm mouth-munch her all over again. Barf!


Classic Car Date with a Bag of Cement


Jillian now goes on a 1-on1 date with the unfortunately named Sasha. They do a photo shoot and then he races her around a blocked-off section of LA in a Ferrari. Sounds pretty hot. Dinner ensues and Sasha relates a horrifying tale of injury and grim, human perseverance and triumph over astounding odds: "The truck flipped on me, crushed, my pelvis, left me paralyzed...ZZZZZZZZZZZ" Whoa! Sorry I nodded off there a minute. Please explain to me how someone can tell a tale of such horror and triumph and make it sound like a civics conference on C-Span 2? That must violate some Law of Celestial Physics or something right? Truth is, this guy is about as interesting as a bag of potting soil. With material like that you should never be boring. Jill stiffs the guy and no one can blame her. Date over.

Country-fried loser


After dumping her bag of compost, Jill heads home to be serenaded by Greaseball Wes, who crashes the mansion on her invite and warbles out his next big seller. Conveniently, new mansion-dwellers Drop Dead Ed and Robby the Bartender are nowhere in sight to object. (Yawn). Bad-boy syndrome indeed.

Cocktail Party from Hell

With forever left to fill on the two hour time slot it's time for the Producers to fill! fill! fill! and they do this by showcasing an endless montage of Caveman Dave getting drunk, bullying people, and acting like a total asshole. Editing notwithstanding--Producer needling notwithstanding--this guy has a drinking problem and he's a complete douchnozzle. I hope for his sake he was acting because he looked like a human turd. We've seen drunks both male and female on this franchise but this is the first time I can remember anything this ugly. It would have been more pleasant had he vomited on the ground and passed out on the pool deck. This was just ugly and future wife-beater was written all over this guy. And it goes on and on and on. If I wanted to see shit like this I'd hang around outside bars at two in the morning. The producers sensing hype, shove Liberace Juan into his path at every opportunity. Juan, looking like he accidentally wandered into the mansion thinking it was the set of A Chorus Line, plays the verbal punching bag as Dave rants and raves: "Me Beat! Me Chop! Me Kill!" And with extra alcohol all around Toe-jam Tanner breaks loose and parades his perversion before the entire world. "I'm into peace, man. I'm just here to suck some toes!" This is a romance show? Eat me, Fleiss.

Lost amid the hollering and disgusting antics of our resident pervert and local drunkard, Kiptyn from Krypton says a few words to Jill and scores some smooches. Jill says: "The getting to know each other is going a little slow but the physical side is moving fast." I think that translates into: "He won't tell me anything about himself but damn, he's hot!" This is obviously the editing plan this time around. A handful of the guys are always lurking near the edge of the stage lights, standing in the background, and acting suspiciously like adults. I'm going to dub these guys: The Invisibles. We got our first glimpses of Reid, Ed, Jesse, and a couple of others while the circus of drunken perverts and obvious famewhores has been paraded about as a distraction. I'm ready for the circus to end.

Cocktail Party

Drop Dead Ed predicts a "Train wreck!" and he's hard to argue with. Jill is certainly drunk enough as she has a sit down with the wingman to fill some time. She mumbles a few stock answers to his cheesy questions and it's time at last.

Already safe: Drop Dead Ed and Robby the Bartender

Jill comes out and has a mini-melt and shaky voice. This girl doesn't have a lick of showbiz in her and she seems to lack the cruelty gene as well. Nice person, but a good Bachelorette? The ratings will tell.

1) Jake, the Cheesemachine. I guess they didn't need an instant proposal tonight because this guy was really invisible.

2) Reid. Nice to meet ya, fella. I don't even need a nickname for him either. Who the hell names their kid "Reid" these days? But I'm not complaining. We could use a little more Leave it to Beaver vibe after tonight.

3) Mark. Who? There's invisible and INVISIBLE! Which is he? We shall see.

4) Jesse. Hi, who are you?

5) Toe-jam. Ugh, I need a shower.

6) Greaseball Wes. If I promise to illegally download your album, will you go away!?

7) Liberace Juan. Fab-u-lous!

8) Mike, the breakdancer. Compared to many others, looked far less callow, stupid, and gay this week.

9) Kyptin from Krypton: "Mumble, mumble, slurp!"

10) Marblesack Mike. Sure, why not?

11) Caveman Dave. "Grunt!" Chapter President: Future Wife-Beaters of America. Scores a perfect "10" on the 'dickter scale'.

Dumped:

Tanner F. Explain that one?

Brad, the dork. Rounds off this evening of wholesome family fun by getting absolutely shitfaced and crying. Bully.

Next week: Off to Vancouver where Caveman Dave gets some 'cheek'. And not the kind he wants either.

See ya then!