1-17--Wait a Minute--Did Harrison Actually Tell the Truth?

Good god, what's this world coming to? Earlier this week, Bachelor host, weakest of wingmen, Chris Harrison tweeted with his usual hyperbolic aplomb that tonight's episode was going to be "Our most emotional ever!" Yeah, right. But I'll be damned is he wasn't telling the truth for once. Other than some Bachelor finales, I found this episode to be one of the most emotional I've seen. This band of women, obviously recruited for the mother-less Chris Lambton, became a parade of lost loved ones. Did producer-cretin, Fleiss and his casting mob cruise funeral parlors for these women? It sure sounded like it. In all seriousness, it was one of the best episodes this show has produced; the emotions flowed and damn if they didn't seem real too. The normal stupid human tricks were largely absent, replaced by three cool dates I wouldn't even mind going on, and a bunch of women baring their souls. Pretty terrific television. With that said, it's time for me to rip it apart anyway.

Butchering the Seal

Did I say "largely absent"? Yeah, I did. Michelle Money--the hardcore Money Shot, is still a member of the harem and as long as she is, the stupid human tricks will continue unabated. She was around the entire episode to play up the craziness, crassness, and cattiness while the other girls took a break from it to tell their stories. I'm sure she'll have a partner or two soon enough. The episode opens with Harrison wandering into the Cathouse from wherever he lurks and announcing this week's date line up: Two of the coveted 1-on-1 dates and one large group date. He closes with his usual fatherly advice by warning this high strung crew that not everyone will get a date this week, so those that do should act like they're on the set of porno Soap Opera (which they are) or risk getting the dreaded bus ticket back to their real jobs. The threats concluded, he drops the first date card; which goes to First Impression Rose recipient, Ashley Sweetums, who was largely absent last week. The clue on the card says something about "music" and Ashley tells us in her North Carolina twang that if this is karaoke, she will just "Diiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!" Ouch. No dear, its our ears that are about to diiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!

Brad, back to his therapy sessions and incessant navel gazing this week, comes screaming up to the Cathouse in his chopshop Aston Martin and collects her. They head straight to Capitol Records and I start to cringe. These music dates are really painful and I feel no better when Brad pops up onscreen to predict it's going to be "a torturous event!" Oh goodie, sign me up. He drags her into the recording studio and she sees the chosen song they're gonna' maul is Seals "Kiss by a Rose." The dead relative parade gets underway when she tells us that her dad, who died 2 years ago, loved this song and they used to sing it together. They step up to the mike as I grab the arms of my chair and hold on. They then try to sing. And I emphasize the word "Try". The studio must have needed fumigating because there isn't a a rat or even a cockroach that could have survived that performance. Insects and rodents dead within the walls, the studio engineer keels over the sound board face first, his spleen obviously ruptured. Brad steps back up to the mike and says, "My apologies, Mr. Seal." WRONG! How about "Apologies, Mr. Barbarossa," because my eardrums are shot! Brad then walks her into the studio next door where the real Seal has been hiding to escape the auditory assault. He sings the song correctly and even manages one more to pimp the album he must have coming up, while Brad and Ashley listen and she springs the first of many leaks tonight. He hauls her up onto the roof of the Capitol Records building so they can eat and she can drop the "Dead Dad" bomb on him. The bomb lands dead on target and out comes the first rose of the night. She collects the flower and they slow dance before Brad finally kisses her. She's a sweetie but was anyone else feeling the "friend vibe"? I damn sure was.

The Cheesy Action Hero

Brad awaits a bevy of his babes on a grimy-looking warehouse to film an action movie sequence. The Money Shot is along on this one, so we are guaranteed much diva-pimping, just like a real Hollywood movie. "These girls, I hate them!" Good for you, you whore. Anyway, the girls all pile out of a cargo van where Brad awaits. He begins to explain why they are in a place that looks like muggers alley, when explosions go off, and a bunch of stuntmen try to attack him from all sides. Brad does a pretty good Chuck Norris and faux-kicks their asses. The women are impressed. So was I. Pretty cool date. The women all train karate moves and filming gets under way. Truthfully, since they were working with pros, and since most of these women looked athletic, what they filmed looked pretty damn good. Combine a little training with professional stuntmen, film editors, and sound effects, and its a pretty good package. Quite a few of the women looked studly in that Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider way--which is hot. The Money Shot got her only moment of the night to look truthfully funny instead of like a vain, manipulative hosebag, by doing an impression of Lisa from Oz and her less than frightening karate squeaks of vengeance. But the Star of the show was clearly Shawntel Munster, who showed that in addition to burying dead people, she looked like she could create quite a few of them. She mimed beating some dudes' asses pretty convincingly and then very convincingly mauling a rope-bound and (naturally) shirtless Brad. Yowza! My pirate pantaloons got tight there for a minute. Argh!

They conclude the days filming when Brad finally agrees to put his shirt back on for a minute and take the women to the roof of some hotel for an After Party. Brad immediately jumps into the pool fully clothed and instantly removes his shirt. I guess it was chafing him. (rolls eyes) The women all pile in too and conveniently have their bikinis on underneath their clothes. Yum. Damn fine-looking group this year I must say. Anyway, the 1st one-on-one time goes to Chantal O. Chantal has been largely relegated to narrator duty since slapping Brad the first night so I'm expecting some standard "How are you? Good to talk with you at last" talk. But apparently they have spoken some before because Chantal whips out the big guns of openness and says that the despite the tough girl image he has seen of her, she is adopted. And not only did her real father dump her and never contact her in 15 years, but when she went to contact him, his new wife told Chantal he had just died. She cracks open and leaks like a watering can. There's drama here, but it didn't feel faked. They hug a bunch and Brad says, "We got some chemistry here." "Too much," she grins, not meaning a word of it. He looks like he wants to attack her but she beats him to it and they make out big time. Quite an intro. Hello, Chantal, nice to meet you...and you're damn hot too. Anyway, Alli Booty gets some time with Brad, but unlike Chantal and her solid gold TV tale, Alli must have been a bore, because the producers send the Money Shot into the private cathedral Alli has Brad trapped in to break it up. Alli storms out and rags Michelle as an "evil bitch" to the other girls as Michelle shows us the difference between real emotion and manipulation. Using motherhood as her sword, she tries twisting him about her finger. Brad, ever the walking hard-on, swallows it and goes after her tongue first. If half of what the tabloids are reporting about her is true, Alli had it right. Regardless, when the date rose comes out, Brad does the right thing and gives it to Shawntel Munster--who deserved it. Good job, Womack.

The Angel Descends to Earth

The second 1-on-1 of the night goes to overwhelming fan favorite, Nascar Emily. During the end of the Action Movie Date, Emily had her name called for the last 1-on-1 date and proceeded to sit with a couple of the girls and fully tell her story of her dead fiance who died in a plane crash while she found out she was pregnant with his baby story. It's powerful stuff. The other women bawl, even Madison the famewhore vampire, who starts to develop a conscience about pimping herself on this show. Meghan the Nobody gets to do a private interview where she confirms Emily to be Mother Teresa. My, lets lay it on thick, shall we? Brad arrives and takes Emily to the airport in his Aston Martin. Emily (and us) stare at the plane while Brad, still clueless, asks if she is nervous. Great TV. They finally land and Brad loads her into his jaunting car and they drive to a vineyard. Where? I have no idea and I bet you don't either. This was one of the few Bachelor dates ever that had nothing to do with the location. Brad could have taken her to a racquetball court and fed her a cornbeef sandwich for all it mattered. This date was all about her story. They sit on a log in the vineyard near the jaunting car sipping wine and Brad opens with the preamble I thought he was gonna' use on Chantal: "I don't know a single thing about you." He then presses in with some personal questions and Emily starts batting them away like a hockey goalie. Her favorite technique is to say something bland and then turn it back around on him. "And what about you?" Unsurprisingly, Brad starts to looked nettled. As darkness falls he takes her into a bar for dinner. A barn? Nevermind it doesn't matter. Once inside someone has informed Emily that it's time to spill, and she does. Brad listens as she relates the tale and then stammers, "So he was killed in a plane crash?" She affirms and then adds the part about being pregnant with his baby. Brad stares at her like she hit him in the head with a brick. I'll let any reader decipher his body language from there, but his reaction is stunned, but appeared positive. Brad produces the flower in an instant and she accepts. Cue harp music. They make out. Could this be the gal? Certainly could be. Now, I'm gonna' say something that probably isn't going to be very popular (What's new?) But I'm sure the message boards have probably lost all perspective. Emily is hot, she seems damned nice, and overcame a terrible tragedy. She did not however pull five people from a burning building or win the Medal of Honor in Afghanistan saving half her platoon. There is tons to be admired about her, but what she really did was cope with tragedy that was forced upon her. Admirably so. The shame of this is that with lost perspective, if Brad dares choose anyone else, he's going to be vilified as a douche bag, and that's sad. There are many quality women left on this show, and they may or may not be a better match for him. Emily is no doubt terrific, but I suspect she doesn't have any trouble sleeping because she can't get her angel wings under the blankets. Just saying. Anyway, Brad gushes: "I can see Emily being the woman I spend the rest of my life with." Is it this easy? Maybe it is.

Time for a Therapy Re-up

The wingman, being a lazy bastard, decides to skip the usual pow-wow recap with the Bachelor and sends in Brad's fruity English shrink instead. Dr. Whateverhisnameis comes walking in to 'treat' Brad. The sit around trading psychobabble about "opening up" and Brad mentions his dates for the evening. He comments about Nascar Emily and her tale--"Intense Connection"-- and also speak of Ashley Sweetums and her dead pappy. Strangely missing was Chantal's story of being adopted, dumped, and then finding her dad dead. What that means, who knows? Brad vows that he's gonna' "open myself up" and sounds ready to disembowel himself with a samurai sword if that's what it takes to get the job done. Bully.

Sunrise for the Vampire

The cocktail party gets under way and Brad comes bouncing in looking like a man dating 17 women: Happy. He toasts and then takes Alli Booty aside for a talk. Alli starts it off by referencing a giant bow on the hideous dress she's wearing by saying, "I wrapped myself up for you!" Brad starts to fall asleep so she throws in a sex story about her cheatin' daddy to open his eyes. This gives the Brad the chance to tell her (and us) that he has never cheated on a woman. He then gives her a tepid hug and escapes as fast as he can. Walking across the patio, he's waylaid by the Money Shot who tries to hog him. He brushes her off and goes and gets Chantal for a sit down. He quickly starts mentioning their strong physical connection and even slips aside under the blanket their sharing so he doesn't bust his zipper. Physical chemistry? Check. He then starts apologizing to her for not opening up enough when she shared with him by the pool. Ladies, allow me to translate the Oprah-talk: You told me something serious about yourself but I was so turned on I mugged you. Sorry. She thanks him and they stare at each other for second before the Money Shot arrives for the steal. Chantal looks at her like she's something she wouldn't want to step in, but leaves the patio anyway. $Cha Ching$ does her vamp and preen and Brad, looking more like a horndog than ever, defends her actions because she gives him a stalactite in his pants. ZZZZZZZZZZ. All is looking too smooth for our boy, so here comes Madison the famewhore vampire to ruin his evening. He sits her down for a talk, and suddenly she isn't sure she should be in the house. She basically says that other women are already putting it on the line for him, and she would just be taking their turns away from them. Honorable, or just plain telling Brad she could care less about him, I can't tell. Things continue downhill as Ashley Sherbert, the winner of the 1st one-on-one last week, suddenly shows signs of melting glue. She can't deal with the jealousy and all but asks to go home.

The wingman finally bestirs himself and comes in tinging his glass.

Get Dumped, Danno!

Already safe: Ashley Sweetums, Shawtel Munster, and Nascar Emily.

Roses:

1)The Money Shot--yick

2) Chantal O.--Brad's new zipper buster is looking good.

Madison suddenly walks out--cue dramatic chase scene as Brad runs her down and she pretty much tells him she wants to leave cause either A) she came to fall in love and....nothing. B) It all seems so real. C) She couldn't give two shits about Brad but would never forgive herself if she stole him from Nascar Emily. D) She's a fuckin' lunatic. Take your pick.

Brad wanders around and then finally back in, and basically tells anyone who wants out to haul it. None do.

3) Lisa from Oz

4) Jackie

5) Ashley Sherbert--good for now

6) Marissa--who are you again?

7) Bony Britt--low under the radar this week

8) Alli Booty--makes concrete seem interesting

9) Lindsay--mute

10) Meghan Nobody--thanks for coming. Seriously.

11) Saucy Stacy--yow!

Dumped: Kim not-worth-a-nickname, Sarah P, and Brad. Kim marches out and they're no tears for her. As a matter of fact, she's rather cryptic: "Fuck Brad!" Argh, little lady. Looks like well leave that task up to others, dear.

Kim's lack of tears are more than made up for by that girl the TV keeps saying is Sarah P. If they say so. Sarah cries so much she becomes a living commercial for waterproof makeup. Lovely raccoon look on her way out.

The other dumpee, Brad Womack, buries his tears and goes back in the room and toasts his remaining harem. Madison the famewhore vampire waltzes away into the distance.

All in all, a rather terrific episode. Two in a row? Not counting on it. See ya then.