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Monday, January 3, 2011

1/3--Allow Brad Womack to Tell You Just How Much He Sucks

Only the Penitent Man Shall Pass

Did you enjoy that? You should have. Think that was for the girls? For DeAnna or Jenni? Nope. That, Dear Viewer was all for YOU. So I hope you enjoyed it. ABC just spent an entire hour of a two hour show having the show's Star plant a big wet one right on your ass. You're welcome. How tiresome that became is hard to put into words. Slaves rowing away in the belly of Roman Galleys kissed less ass than Brad Womack did tonight. Hell, people have been elected President of the United States by kissing less. I looked up "obsequious" in the dictionary last night and sure enough, there was Brad's picture. Let's hope they are about done with that bit. The Bachelor catch phrase "amazing" has been replaced with "broken man" and "therapy". Not much of an improvement if you ask me. It got so bad that even Brad confessed that the women started nagging him to "quit apologizing." Let's hope he listens. Now, I wasn't expecting him to march into the mansion and yell, "Listen; any of you bitches who don't like the fact I'm the Bachelor can just hit the bricks!" but I've always been led to understand that women prefer a man with confidence. C'mon, Brad; these women aren't going to throw away an all expenses paid, alcohol-fueled vacation just because you're the Bachelor. You still got the shadowy-face and the rock-hard abs and a million bucks; play it a little, sailor.

The Wingman Creeps In

Things get off to their usual start with Chris "Wingman" Harrison toeing the company line so hard that you'd think he was trying to teach Brad how to kiss ass. The winger assures us that despite being a former douche bag, Brad has changed his ways and after the beating he got last time, he will propose to Manuel, the mansion's gardener, if necessary. This is all slyly covered up in "Oprah-language"; in other words, Brad has had intense therapy to deal with his abandonment and trust issues and is ready to settle down. Amen. Brad's mom and brothers are also trundled out to let us know what a "changed man" Brad is. The brothers are even nice enough to donate a couple of their kids for Brad to play with so he can prove what a warm human being he's developed into over the last three years. You sick of this yet? I damn sure was. On to the women!

But first....

Sorry, but there are two women from three years ago who are still so bitter about Brad's refusal to date them that they've gone and gotten engaged/married to other guys...but we still need to have them back so they can act all skeptical that Brad is truly a changed man. This was ridiculous, even for this show. First of all, Brad's as dumb as a bag of hammers if he didn't see this one coming. He tries to act surprised anyway as Harrison brings the two women out to confront him. Jenni Croft and DeAnna Pappas, both looking ridiculously smokin' hot, come out and start whining, tossing guilt trips, and acting so disappointed in Brad it looked like they were both auditioning to become Jewish mothers. Brad squirmed while they laid it on thick, helped along by the sadistic Harrison who was acting so chirpy I expected him to hand the gals a sack of rocks and tell them to stone Brad to death. So much for any confidence he arrived with. Reluctantly the girls finally agree that even though he committed a cardinal sin and didn't fall in love with either of them, he should be allowed to go on with his life. Thank you. Can we see some babes now?

The Limos

Here they come; 30 women who had no idea Brad was the Bachelor. Except for one. You know the one I'm talking about. The one you've seen in a promo they've been running for a month who gets out first, walks up to Brad and slugs him. You don't honestly think this gal saw Brad and took it on her own to go commit Battery on him, do you? The promo footage filmed, the next 29 who came out the car all pretty much started with this preamble: "I saw your season and..." Brad shrinks incrementally. By the time the last one heads inside the mansion, Brad is so emasculated he's less than three feet tall and his beard is falling out. He finally wanders inside and offers that any woman who wants to leave, can just head out. All 30 women--that is every-last-one-of-them, lift their glasses of booze and smirk at him--"Are you serious?" This vacation is just starting.

The women we need to watch:

1) Chantal O'Brien--Slaphappy Chantal--followed producer-orders and slapped Brad's face. She was some kind of used car salesman who works for her daddy or something. Also divorced. But lucky for her, also smokin' hot as hell! We'll see.

2) Kimberly Coon--Highly-plasticized former NFL cheerleader. One in every Bachelor harem.

3) Alli--Alli Booty. Shy, demure gal who rams her ass into his face. A rose? You are kidding.

4) Ashley Spivey--Sweetums--shy little country nanny who lives in New York City. Ignored Brad's woman-dumping past and assured him that she doesn't care if he raped the neighbors cat; it's all ok with her. Got the First Impression Rose for being one of a very few who didn't bust his ball with a hammer.

5) Ashley Hebert--Sherbert--Pennsylvania dentist with a lovely French-sounding name that I have trouble pronouncing, so I Americanized it. Seemed really cool but previews hint she's a major drama queen. We'll see.

6) Madison Garton--Scariest vampire since Count Chocula. Cameron Diaz look-a-like who obviously hungers for more acting opportunities. Wore vampire fangs and played mystery games with Brad. If you ever wondered if men really are walking hormones, here's your proof: she got a rose. Brad told her her fangs were "hot!" somebody call that therapist back.

7) Jackie Gordon--Made him pinkie-swear he wouldn't give her VD or something.

8) Shawntel Newton--Ms. Munster--the merry mortician. Breathlessly led us on a tour of her Chico, California mausoleum and made it plain she can't wait to bury Brad there.

9) Raichel Goodyear--Manripper--slightly plump gal who describes herself as a "manscaper". Waxed Brad's wrist, which was pretty tame since she was shown ripping great swaths of hair off men's backs, asses, and ballsacks. Lovely.

10) Stacy Quierpel--bartender who's greatest assets were her fake cans and the fact she didn't have a clue who Brad was.

11) Lisa Morrisey--Lisa from Oz--Played her Kansas trump card by coming out of the limo in Judy Garland's old shoes.

12) Emily Maynard--NASCAR Emily--somebody call Ricky Bobby--his next smokin' hot trophy-wife is ready for him. A mix of Pamela Anderson, Jessica Simpson and a Coal Miner's Daughter. West Virginia event planner with a tale of woe and widowhood at 19. Say hello to this season's fan favorite. The message boards promise that if Brad picks anyone else, he's a moron and the girl is trash.

13) Britt Billmaier--Kept nearly invisible. Hmmm.

14) Keltie--The Crazy Rockette--high strung dancer. Ok.

15) Michelle Money--$Cha-Ching! Model/actress/hairdresser. Beautiful ball of future drama and winner of the DeAnna Pappas look-a-like Award. Worth every cent they're paying her.

It took about an hour of nervous apology and continuous hand wringing before the women got liquored up enough to start acting like Brad was the last man of earth. So much for all the worry wart bit, Brad. Shortly after their third or fourth round, the Bachelor-stealing commences. Since we had Brad's self-flagellation routine to focus on, there wasn't even much women drama. They spent so long showing Brad beat the stuffing out of himself, the First Impressions Rose was actually the Last Impression Rose. Brad had no sooner given it to sweetums and here came the wingman tinging his first glass of the season.

At the Rose Ceremony, Brad kept all 15 I just wrote about (and a few more) since, unlike this show, I don't focus on chicks who mean absolutely nothing for the rest of the season. Several cut gals wandered out at dawn and one even bawled her head off. Not over Brad or anything though. It was hard to understand what she was saying with all the crying, but I think it broke down roughly to "I'm bawling because I can hear the approaching wings of spinsterhood!" Well, previews make it look like we're going to see some great locations this season. Let's just hope producer/cockroach, Mike Fleiss thinks we've all seen Brad bow and scrape enough, and we can get on with some dating.


je2 said...

Awesome! Spot on! Astute ! On the money ! Brilliant !

Stop already with the self flagualtion. Quit saying you are sorry! Get on with it; it is time to play!

Hopefully we will never see Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Jenni again. The egg timer has run out on those two.

On with the party ! Go get 'em Brad ! It's show time!

AbbyRose said...

You are back in your proper hilarious and snarky form, Captain! Yes! It is great seeing you all excited about a Bach show.

Love the name of Ashley Hebert--Sherbert. HA! :D All the names are forming up quite nicely.

I look forward to reading (while eating breakfast, lunch or dinner ~ depends on when I tune in) your future Blasts!

Stewart said...

I think the whole therapy and apology routine worked, at least on my old lady. She thought he seemed sincere and nice. She also said it's amazing what a hot body can do for a very ugly guy! And yes, she thinks the Nascar wife should win already. She is pretty hot. Good write-up. Read ya next week

Anonymous said...

Nice Job, Captain. Keep up the good work. Thanks for reading and commenting on I look forward to reading you this season. Some Guy in Austin.

Kevin said...

Didn't quite get to finish this post, but you earned another reader by opening with "Only the penitent man shall pass." I came over from DP's blog (some guy in austin) and have apparently just doubled my Tuesday morning reading.

Well Done.

AbbyRose said...

Whoo hooo ~ our Captain O Captain has a few more fans! :)