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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, January 25, 2011

1/24--Mr. Sherlock Holmes, Your Services Will Not Be Required.

I guess it's a good thing that I have no idea what travels through the diseased mind of Mike Fleiss. It's probably good for my sanity and my moral compass, but what the Creature and his sleazebucket brigade are up to this season, I have no idea. I've watched a fair few incarnations of this slop and I have never seen anything like it. We will undoubtedly have many of the staples of a Bachelor season left in front of us, but what we won't have is any mystery about who the final 2 are. But Captain, you don't do spoilers? Who the hell needs spoilers? After the last two weeks, Stevie Wonder could tell you who the final 2 are. And there can't be any women left in that house, save the reserved optimist Bony Britt, the kick-ass package known as Shawtel Munster, and the drunken mess known as Ashley Sherbert, who could be unaware that they're still around merely to get drunk, cry, and fill a dress. This is certainly a new editing strategy for the producers of this show. I think it's referred to as "Show Everything!" If they were going to do that, Brad should have passed out bus tickets last night instead of roses, about 9 of them. I sure don't think the audience would have minded. Do any of you really want to see Alli Booty whine or mope about anything? I sure as hell don't. And the Money Shot? The only thing I was interested in seeing her do was fall off the side of the building she and Brad were rappelling down. But since ABC contracted for 11 episodes, 11 episodes it will be.


The Black Eyed Pissant

The theme music hasn't even died away and the Michelle Money's high maintenance mug pops up on my TV screen whining and mugging that she has a black eye. She maintains that it's origins are a mystery. The previews tried to insinuate that ZipperRipper Chantal had slipped into her room and sucker punched her while she slept. Michelle tries to blame it on "...stress. I must have beaten myself up." I guess she thought that sounded more dignified than the truth: "I was so blacked-out drunk last night I slammed my face onto the steering wheel of the porcelain bus I was driving." The vision of the Money Shot, curled up around a toilet, vomiting so violently she chucks up her toenail polish, is the most charming image of her I can conjure. Yeah, I know. She's a two bit actress mugging and hamming it up for the camera crews. Sorry; she sucks. (Fliess, get this bimbo off my TV.) After she finishes leering into the camera like a Soap Opera vixen, the wingman finally comes wandering in dressed like Mr. Rogers to get things started. There will be two 1-on-1 dates, and one group date--a rose up for grabs on all of them. He drops the card and departs. Lindsay the Dress Filler reads it aloud and she tells the ZipperRipper to get ready.


Water Phobia

Brad comes wandering into his Cathouse and leads Chantal outside where a helicopter comes in and picks them up. They fly off the California coast and land on Catalina Island. Chantal cringes as Brad leads her down onto the pier and out onto a boat for a deep sea diving adventure. Chantal insinuates as loudly as she can that she has a water phobia. Been rifling the psychological test results again, have we, Fleiss? By my count, that makes every date this season that focuses on the girl having a fear of phobia of what they're about to be made to do. Chantal has a fear of water, later the Money Shot will have a fear of heights; Ashley Sweetums had a fear of singing in front of ten million people. I assume Jackie Gordon has a fear of Train, and Ashley Sherbert is terrified of dark drives down pitch black country roads with men she doesn't know. Dumb chick. Anyway, Brad gets her popped into a space helmet get up and they head down into some murky water. Once there, she relaxes and enjoys herself. She gushes about being Mrs. Womack. They get out and laze around on a futon on the beach by a couple of harem tents and talk. Or should I say gush like two loons. They laugh, talk, and act incredibly playful with each other and as rain starts to fall, Brad gives up the flower. They then make out with such intensity I'm certain Brad's zipper was about to explode. They pile into the harem tent and its inferred that they stay the night on the beach.

And Now Your Moment of Filler

Well I won't need any fiber in my diet this week after this date. Brad, sans Nascar Emily, who's busy being pestered by the Money Shot back at the mansion, takes his remaining non-entities to a radio talk show and he finally earned his degree in psychobabble. The women pile into a stretch hummer, fix some screwdrivers, and meet Brad at Dr. Drew's Loveline radio show. Saucy Stacy admits she used to get hammered and cheat on her boyfriend in college. The women ask Brad a bunch of questions and he gives canned answers. He wants to be "me." This is only a set up so Bony Britt can move up into one of the B spots and Ashley Sherbert can make a drunken fool of herself. Brad takes them to "his" pad and they get bombed out of their gourds. Encouraged to open up by Dr. Loveline, the women all go nuts stealing Brad from each other. Saucy Stacy moves in for the first steal and Ashley Sherbert gets absolutely shitfaced and makes a whining, sloppy mess of herself. Did she go swimming in that hot tub? I've never seen a woman get her hair soaked in a hot tub on this show before. She looked like a bang-less, drowned rat. Meghan Nobody, remaining steadfastly sober, and Alli Booty, commiserate after being the victims of Bachelor theft and pretty much decide they're toast. Bony Britt gets to speak a few lines and she and Brad stage some boring kissing while they wait for the producers to get Sherbert moving. She crashes in and is so drunk she hammers away at Brad for being a manwhore. "But it's fun," he insists. "Yeah, for you!" she counters. Well, you wanted honesty buster. Hehehe. Brad makes it seem like he plans to give her the date rose as reassurance, but she makes one more drunken warble and it's obvious he's pissed. To punish her, he takes Britt aside and gives her the rose instead.

Puke Inducing Date

Back at the mansion, the date card for the last 1-on-1 arrives and much to the chagrin of the viewing audience, it goes to the Money Shot. ZipperRipper Chantal, who somehow got back from her overnight with Brad and we're never shown when or how, immediately starts picking on her because the producer's didn't include the word "love" in the invitation card. It's funny despite the face that the Mish-HELL is clearly playing along for a laugh. The date? You really want me to recap it? Ok, but very briefly. They grab another helicopter, land on a building roof, and Brad takes her rappelling down the building where an accident occurs and the Money Shot plunges forty stories to her death. Hey, I can dream. Recap over.


Top Psychiatrists Agree: Bachelor's Should be Manwhores

The wingman, exhausted from doing nothing, takes another week off and sends in the psychobabblist to see Brad again instead of getting his lazy ass into gear and doing his job. The shrink is happy to "validate" Brad like he's a parking ticket, by telling him to hump every damn woman in sight. "How can you open up and fully explore if you don't play tonsil hockey with all of them?" Bully. Fully engorged after his run-in with the ZipperRipper, Brad and his manly essence are ready for the cocktail party.


The ZipperRipper's Mini-Melt and a Reminder that Nascar Emily is Still Very Much on This Show

Brad gets things rolling by having to lead the cheers twice to try and get the nonentities to sound excited to be there. He tells us he needs to take the girls who didn't get dates aside to "reassure them." Considering the fact that he's going to dump three of them after passing out some reassurance, I think that's Womack-code for "I want to drool on Emily." He hauls Shawntel Munster aside first and they recreate the firemen carry he performed on her at their action movie date. Hmm. He make like her enough to actually call her for a second date in real life. Meghan Nobody actually gets a moment on camera with Brad so we'll remember her when he dumps her. Enough of that. Brad snatches Nascar Emily aside and takes her outside with some producer-stash picnic basket filled with booze. Spirits plummet. Shawntel sarcastically asks if they should just go and get married now, and Meghan Nobody says "13 girls should all go home. He only needs one rose." ZipperRipper Chantal, who goes into mini-meltdown. After their wonderful Catalina date, she drops into a hole of despair. Brad takes Emily out onto the flagstone driveway, spreads a paper thin cloth, and two people dressed in a suit and gorgeous dress have a seat on the rock hard driveway. We are quickly reminded about what a wonderful mother Emily is. Despite Chantal's meltdown, the conversation seems polite and reverential, nothing more. That doesn't stop Jackie Gordon and Shawtel Munster from pinning Chantal between them and go on and on about the connection Emily and Brad share: "He doesn't have that with anyone else! "It's their connection... maybe their love?" The ZipperRipper springs a leak. "I feel so stupid! None of it was special!" She goes to the bathroom, but the producer-fiends edit it to make it look like she barged straight out onto the patio and stole him from Sherbert. She charms him and they make out. She then gets up and leaves with no prompting. The wingman finally bestirs himself and comes in tinging his glass.

Dump 'Em Danno!

Already safe: The Money Shot, Bony Britt, and ZipperRipper Chantal

Roses:
1) Ashley Sweetums--This one is just hanging out
2) Alli Booty--Filling in the numbers
3) Nascar Emily--yeah, ya think?
4) Shawntel Munster--Thinks he's planning to marry Emily, but why bother turning down the rose? Where's the vampire chick when we need her?
5) Lisa from Oz--hey, its the chick with the Dorothy shoes. She's still here?
6) Jackie Gordon--You're still here too?
7) Marissa--So you're Marissa. Oh, I thought you were a mannequin they hired to wear a dress.
8) Ashley Sherbert--continues the punishment by calling her last. She didn't look particularly overjoyed to get the rose anyway.

The Bus Tickets
1) Meghan Nobody--runs from the mansion and is wearing such towering high heels she looked like a prison escapee on stilts. Keeps it sane in the exit interview though. No tears and could clearly see there was nothing between them.

2) Saucy Stacy: Admitted she cheated. Brad described it as "honesty", then he honestly dumped her ass for it. She didn't look even remotely upset. No tears.

3) Lindsay the Dress Filler: gave up a teaching job to come and be anonymous. She does cry...about her dad? Brad, they love ya guy!

Next Week: That chick I keep hearing is named Marissa gets a free trip to Las Vegas and didn't even have to say a word. Sweet! Also, Nascar Emily moves back front and center and....cries and talks abut her dead fiance a little more. She seems sweet. Is there any more to know about her???? Love to see it, Fleiss.





6 comments:

AbbyRose said...

Very funny recap plus love all the new names for the women!

This show reminds me of the movie "Inception." Leonardo DiCaprio's character said that you know that you are in a dream when you do not know how you got there. That is like the show. How does the cast physically get from point A to point D? What happened to points B & C? Weird editing. It seems like we are missing a lot.

Very very funny recap. Keep up the great work!

Captain F. J. Barbarossa said...

Thank you Abby. Reader comments have been scarce this year. I appreciate the fact that you always take the time.

Alisa said...

"I was so blacked-out drunk last night I slammed my face onto the steering wheel of the porcelain bus I was driving."

this was the first of many lines that threatened to send beer out my nose. my husband couldn't figure out what i could possibly find so hilarious as i watched the episode online and read your blog during the insufferable commercials. thanks for the giggles.

Stewart said...

Good write up! I also thought she dinged her eye on the porcelain goddess. She is a psycho and I hate her. Sally and I cheated and looked up to see who wins so this is all moot anyways

Anonymous said...

Rats, your column for this week isn't up yet.

Am I the only one who feels like this entire season has been nothing more than introducing us to the next Bachelorette, NASCAR Emily?

Yoran said...

Thank u Very much