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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, August 1, 2011

7/31--The Men BORE All

I've come to expect very little from these recap shows, but this one failed to meet even my low ball expectations. This will be a short recap.

The show starts with a taped Ashley piece so she can catalogue her "journey". Artfully edited out were the parts where her seething anger at the way the show kept her in the dark about Big Head Bentley and his real (and edited) douchebaggery came into play. The only thing obvious other than her understandable anger was the crushing effect being an internet dartboard of criticism has cost her. Her relief that the end is finally in sight was manifest. But hey, nobody said paying off those Dental School loans was gonna' be a bowl of cherries, dear. They walk through the season that had few highlights early on.

Harrison now moves to the outtakes, which are usually hilarious. I say usually because these weren't all that funny. Exceptions were J.P. the Skinheads first 1-on-1 date where he destroyed a home entertainment center, couldn't work a DVD player, and then had Ashley fall asleep on him. Harrison tried to stir some comedy by discussing with Ashley things the viewers noticed during the broadcast that the production didn't; a bowl of fruit arranged by a clever staffer to look like a man's junk, and Ashley keeping Vaseline by her bedside. (Obviously these things were noticed by the other 4 male viewers besides myself. Women aren't famously known for spotting a cock and balls masquerading as a banana and two oranges and understand a jar of Vaseline is more likely used for chapped lips than a sex lube. Yuck for kissing her at night though.) 

The Real Point of the Broadcast

A Fan at the Taping of The Man BORE All
Now we come to it. The theme of the entire night--the guests, the former cast mates, and the previews--were really all about pimping Bachelor Pad 2, which starts on Monday, August 8th. (Yes, the Blast will be covering that trainwreck this year as just another chapter in my quest to get the hell away from Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka, and his whiny, former fiance, Vienna Sausage.) Various love triangles and drunken make-out sessions were highlighted. Seated in the audience were three of the former cast members who will be joined by current ones, Blake, the Smarmy Dentist, William the Unfunny Wiseman, and Eraser Head Ames.  Michelle Money, Justin Rated-R Wrassler Dick and the formerly glacier-stranded Kasey Mushmouth Kahl, who from the looks of things, seems to have run into Vienna Sausage at a meeting of the Strange Bedfellows Society and can't seem to get rid of her, were all in attendance. Bet he wishes he's stayed on that glacier now. Should be funny to watch him try and guard and protect her vagina around all those other wolves.

The Men

Man, I almost slept through all of this. Things highlighted or reinforced: William is a d-bag; Jeff, the Mask is a d-bag; Tim the drunk was indeed bombed night one to the point of blacking out and was meeting his fellow cast members for the first time; Nick, (sans) Horrible Hair Highlights, got to be Harrison's co-host for the night and scored serious face time; Constantine Hercules was nearly silent (and he liked it that way) and chicks all want to bring Eraser Head Ames home and keep him as a highly intelligent pet. Sunny Ryan got his Bachelor candidacy off to a solid start by looking somewhat earnest and even more like a dork than before by admitting he had read books (and took piles of notes) on how to ask Ashley good questions? Blake reacted exactly like I did to Ryan's over-the-top meltdown when Ashley dumped him, but that doesn't matter. Ryan got a ton of face time, a trip to the Warm Seat, and he actually shaved his nasty five o'clock shadow. He's in.

Michelle Money

Since Bentley had enough sense to stay home, Michelle Money got a seat near Harrison to blandly explain her texts to Ashley warning her about Bentley before the show started. We learned nothing here except that Michelle is still ungodly beautiful and when not acting like a hired villain, she's actually pretty nice. Expect major image rehab on Bachelor Pad for her.


Ali, DeAnna, and Jason

Rumors say these three will be acting as Bachelor Pad judges this season, so they were all trundled out to give Ashley advice on how to handle the scrutiny of being the Bachelorette. Wouldn't this have been a bit more helpful before she filmed it? Nevermind. They all show up and remind us that they are all engaged to or married to people they met on the show, or in DeAnna's case, through it. Other than that, they join Ashley and empathize as she melts down about just what a brutal beating this job is. Future famewhores beware.

Bloopers:

Hysterical! No, not really. Funny though, especially seeing Harrison deliver his famous "last Rose of the Evening" speech with his fly down and seeing Ashley nearly blinded when a moth flew into her fake eyelashes. Still much better than the rest of the show, as always.

The Finale

Ok, J.P and Vino Ben are still out there circling in float planes and waiting for Ashley and Harrison to get back to Fiji and get this over with. The finale is Monday Night and I'll be around to Blast it on Tuesday. We'll see ya then.






1 comment:

sunny said...

love, love, love your recaps! you even made this snoozefest entertaining. thank you! if you are recapping Bachelor Pad, I may watch.