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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

8/15--Bachelor Pad, Episode 2: The Modern Power Couple


The Godfather? "Don" Mushmouth Bologna
So, if Machiavelli wrote the Prince in 2011, he would use Kasey Mushmouth Kahl as his protagonist? Since when did some mumbling half-wit and his thunderously unpleasant girlfriend become the icons of tasteless power brokers? And their tacky kingdom is being threatened by the cheesy court jester who bounced around begging like a spineless sissy only to be saved a date with the wingman/ hangman by the intercession of the all-powerful Fleiss-god, who was determined to save the jester another week just to see if he can make me vomit? In between the Fleiss-god staged performances with his desperate famewhores that featured scary ghost-like stuff at a deserted hospital, where his famers reacted with terror at the danger of tripping on the forty-five members of the camera and production teams surrounding them and breaking their necks; by hooking up with unstable skanks to try and further their quest for cash; and pelting the opposite sex with metaphorical "money shots" of eggs in response to the most embarrassing and degrading questions imaginable. Does anyone else remember when half the activist groups in this country had a coronary that Bart Simpson was on TV? Jesus! I opened an old history book and pointed it at my TV screen when Kasey and Vienna Sausage started mocking the foul cheesemachine and the picture of Nero inside the book starting puking. I think we've finally hit rock bottom.

In The Court of King Mumbles and Queen Harlot

The Ultimate Woman! (Cough)
This must be the Land of Stupid I've wandered into. If Adam Sandler showed up in this realm, he'd be made the Court Astronomer. Regardless, before the dreaded minion of the Fleiss-god, Wingman Harrison, can even gather the famewhores up for their first round of humiliation, King Mumbles lets everyone know that he is in charge, and Cheesemachine Pavelka lets us know the king desires to lop his cheddar-head off. But have no fear, Pavelka will soon show us that he's willing to do anything to stay on TV for five more minutes, even beg the poisonous Queen of Harlotry to save his cheesy skin. A full twenty minutes of broadcast time concentrates on this vile threesome before the show can even get started. These three suck harder than a collapsing Star.

One Pavelka Omelet, Coming Up!

Harrison leads the bikini-clad babes and boxer-wearing beefcakes out into the Mansion Garden for a "game". Its the kind of game you would have played on the seventh grade playground if the local bully was in charge of recess instead of the teacher. But on Bachelor Pad, the bullies are in charge. The wingman lets them know its going to be Boys versus Girls, where he will ask everybody a string of insulting, demeaning questions, and you're supposed to choose the person who answers the question best and then you score points by pelting them with a paint-filled egg. Nah, there's nothing sadistic about that. Once Harrison got going with these unbelievably cruel questions, I was actually shocked he didn't announce a rule change and tell them to skip the egg and just piss on whomever they choose. Anyway, the boys line up first in their white gym shorts, get blindfolded and have targets painted on their backs. Lining up, they turn with their backs to the house and the girls are brought out one-by-one as Harrison fires away like a twisted Art Linkletter. The women creep up about ten feet behind them and open fire. Graham and Michael got hit a time or two, but almost every egg whacks the Cheesemachine.

"Which guy is the dumbest?"
Whack!
"Which guy would cheat on you?"
Whack!
"Which guy is the ugliest?"
Whack!
"Which guy is the nastiest, most insincere cheesemachine?"
Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack! Whack!

Pavelka stands there, his cheddar-skin coated in dripping egg embryos. If Harrison had sprinkled some bacon bits on him and kicked him into the fire pit, they could have had a giant omelet. But he doesn't. Meth Head Melissa is declared the winner and recipient of an immunity rose. Now they bring the girls out and they are lined up for their turn to be humiliated. Now the spoilers said that they had to stop the contest after a few throws because these idiots were throwing overhand at the women from ten paces, but the way it was edited, nearly every throw looked underhand. From what we see, virtually no girl got touched except Erica Rose, who got pummeled like a U.S. Embassy in Libya. The wingman grins like Simon Bar-Sinister and reads out the questions.

"Which girl is the ugliest?
Whack!
"Which girl would you least like to hook up with?"
Whack!
"Which girl is the skankiest?
Whack!
"Which girl is the biggest ho?"
Whack! Whack! Whack!

Erica stands there dripping metaphorical egg jizz and shaking with humiliated tears. (You should really consider getting a job, Erica.) In another of Carroll's Through the Looking Glass moments, The Money Shot rushes over to give comfort. Holding the miserable Erica by the cheeks, she assures her, "Everyone here is beautiful." If you ever wondered how they can edit someone who is willing to play along with their schemes even a little bit and distort them beyond recognition, this should do it. This is the Michelle Money the other girls on Brad's season all talk about: the one who did everyone's hair before each of their dates and was called Mama Michelle, not the poisonous jackal her sense of humor helped them portray her as. Anytime you wonder how low and skeezy the producers can be, just remember Mish-Hell! Anyway, Michelle wraps her in her arms and she and the other girls lead the trembling Erica away as the Cheesemachine whines about how much he choked and Breakdance Michael Stagliano is declared the winner.

As Scary as Touring a Library or Maybe the Set of Wipeout!

Whhooooooooooo! Oh man, this was terrifying! All that stumbling around in an empty building accompanied by fifty people in semi-darkness. All of those crew members throwing crap at the famewhores to try and get the to jump. Erica Rose leading a seance over some dead guys medical records? Lame won't even begin to cover this date. Michael Stag, as the winner of the Erica Bukakke Contest, gets an immunity rose and the pleasure of taking former fiance and Bachelor Bicycle, Holly Durst, to this scary, empty building along with the still dripping Erica Rose and the miles-out-of-his-league, Michelle. I'm not going to recap this idiocy until we get to the part where Michael gives Holly the rose so he can get her alone for a chat. Michelle and Erica cool their heels with some wine while Michael hauls Holly outside and he tries to fall in love with her all over again. This was edited so badly, I can barely tell what happened between them anyway, but I did notice Stag getting all serious and crying a lot, while hot-to-trot, Holly tries to lay the "friend card" on him. Michael fights the moniker, but Holly is interested in partying, not getting married. Sorry bud, and better luck next time. You'll be glad this happened Michael. Stupid, lame, dumb-assed date: over.

Horny Blake Decides to Play Meth Head Melissa

Now this was a brilliant tactical move. Just what kind of dentist is Blake supposed to be? Let me ask you, Dear Reader, would you let a man as quick as Blake is to whore himself out, put his hands in your mouth? Not mine, he isn't. Anyway, since she won the Make-Jake-An-Omelet-Contest, Melissa gets a rose to keep, one to give away, and two extra guys to dump. She takes the aforementioned porn star, suit-filling extra, Captain Kirk, and the King of Stupid Land, Kasey Mushmouth, out on a boat date. The boys swim around in the waters off the California coast, but Melissa has hatched an evil scheme to give the rose to Kasey, who needs it about as bad as Melissa needs a biker bar to crash in, but this won't stop Blake from trying to get the rose no matter what he has to do. Telling us in Private Interviews, just what an unappealing trash bag Melissa is, Blake also lets us know that he'd willing to throw down for the flower. "I feel like a whore prostituting myself this way, but I've got to do what I've got to do." Very wise of you to choose the most unstable maniac on this show to pull this gambit on Blake. You're making Jake look like a genius. Anyway, Blake gets her alone and hits her with cheesy pick-up lines to wiggle in close. He then holds his nose and kisses her. Yuck. When they return to the frozen boat seats, Melissa picks up the rose and hands it to the nasty dentist. Kasey curls his lip into a sneer and lets us know what he thinks of this sudden change in plans, "Murrfurr Bladavolt Melnishky!" The king sounds irked, I think. He and Captain Kirk are sent packing on a dinghy while Blake climbs all over Melissa. "It was easy. I just had some drinks." Spoken like a man with a great deal of practice on Friday night's down at Paco's Lube and Tug Bar. Yeah, you're sticking your hands in my mouth alright. Date over but his fun just beginning.

General Gia Plots Her Strategery!

We suffer through many scenes of Jake moping around navel-gazing about his impending doom and praying to the Fleiss-god for salvation before we see Gia the Pro has decided to become a strategy queen and enlists Graham's help to topple the Mumble King and his Harlot Queen from their thrones. Now, before I plaster the sweetheart for being a dimwit for choosing the king and queen's tightest ally to try and start her backstabbing, I will say that this plot would have stood a chance if Graham had been the friend Gia obviously thought he was. But the devil is in the execution, and the only execution this leads to is Gia's. Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown, but temporarily fixed is the head of a plotter who isn't too bright. Gia greets Graham out by the pool with a legal pad where she has carefully tallied up the opposing armies in the house and shows him how the two of them can emerge victorious as rulers of Stupid Land.

"Ok, ya see; here's how we do it. We do it like the Geeks beat the Condoms, ya see; we park an elephant on their doorstep..."


Anyway, Graham nods then (presumably) hurries away to the Stupid Throne and informs King Mumbles that General Gia is gunning for his noggin, but we never see what actually happened. What we do see is Joke Pavelka, desperate to stay on TV a little longer try and corral his poisonous ex-fiance, Vienna Sausage to do him "a favor". The only favor Vienna would do for Jake is if she saw him standing on a chair with a noose around his neck, she'd kick it out from under him. Jake whines and mopes but she won't even walk outside with him.

The Fleiss-God Intervenes and the Jester is Still Here!

Ugh! Night falls and the Cheddar-Jester keeps moping and even goes so far as to arrange a spineless, groveling audience before the king and queen to beg for his miserable skin. And Jake isn't playing when he decides to beg and slobber, "If I win the two hundred and fifty-thousand, I'm going to donate every single..."
Only the shrill laughter of the Harlot Queen drowns out my own at that statement and Vienna blasts away: "I know it all! Your limo company is $200,000 in debt so save it, Jake!"
Mushmouth starts playing with Jake like a cat with a mouse and Vienna mocks him mercilessly. Nothing more disgusting than watching a greedy, spineless liar and two greedy sadists have a threesome. And speaking of threesomes, looks like Blake the Horny Dentist had one of the worst ones in history. Blake, who is determined to get his ride on the Bachelor Bicycle, is being stalked by his self-inflicted problem, Meth Head Melissa. Trying to steal a few minutes to pop the kickstand on the bike, Blake can't wander away more then ten feet without Melissa tracking him down. As he lays in bed with Holly flirting, Melissa comes storming in and lays down beside them both and leers at him. Well you got two hot chicks, er, a hot chick and an nutso one in bed, Dr. Hard-On; what now? Melissa, who is about as stable as a meth lab, refuses to leave so Holly creeps away looking guilty. Damn! I was hoping for a replay of Melissa playing her favorite game with Holly, "You're a Psycho! No, you're a psycho!" Oh wellShe then berates Dr. Do'EmAll. "I can't trust you!" Ya think? Melissa finally shows up crying in a P.I. melting down about having "romantic" feelings for Dr. Herpes. Well, she is perfect Bachelor fodder; she falls in love quicker than water freezes at the South Pole. Blake complains she won't leave him alone. Brilliant move, genius.

Pretty Cool Game Where No One Knows the Rules and You Can Just Make Shit Up as You Go Along.

Well, how should I recap this since I'm sick of writing about it, and it was edited so sloppily I can barely tell what happened? I know, bullets!

  • Fleiss-god intervenes and saves the Cheesemachine for another week in hopes I'll have a stroke from watching him by telling the greedy ones that they will vote for two women this week. Harrison announced the move when Jake was practically mid-grovel and had his tongue on Kasey's shoe.
  • Vienna explodes and tries to lead a walkout since this is "cheating!" (Don't you need rules for someone to break for it to be "cheating"?)
  • Wingman Fleiss-Minion tells her if she doesn't like the rules she can get the hell out of Stupid Land
  • King Kasey sits with General Gia and smirk-mumbles that he knows she out to get him and she's toast. Gia storms around screeching how all these people are dishonest crapsacks; the producers would slip an emetic to their own grandmothers and ....(you get the idea)...and she storms out and leaves before they vote her out. Kisses, Gia; there could only be two reasons in the entire universe you're not married to a wonderful man, sweetie: either you don't want to or you have worse taste in men than Eva Braun. Either way, its been nice seeing you and I can't say that for too many in this franchise.
  • Eraser Head Ames has slobbered on King Mumbles to protect his sudden ladylove, Jackie Gordon, but suddenly Captain Kirk and Sultry Ella partner up so Kasey draws the dagger and plants it into Jackie's back.
  • Eraser Head Ames walks his gal out, and then jumps in the limo with her and drives away in his red-hot matador drawers and has women across the country cooing at his wonderfulness... temporarily. Turns out the two spoke in a conference call the day after the broadcast and a stunned and upset Jackie said Ames dumped her. Sorry, dear, but you know no fairytale survives in Stupid Land. So much the pity.
Epilogue: A break from my usual jackassery to send out pirate blues to Michelle Money and her family at the passing of both her father and grandmother within twenty-four horrible hours of one another. Chin up sweetie, and you're too good for this crap, and you know it.

See ya next week.











3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Captain, this is by far your best recap ever!! And I've been reading your prose since Day 1. Beautifully (satirically, etc.) written.

sunny said...

Haven't decided if I am going to subject myself to this swill, but I am thoroughly enjoying your recaps. I appreciate that you don your pirate hat weekly and brave the waters of Mushmouth and his icky-queen for those of us who may not be strong enough to do so. Thank you, Cap'n!

p.s. Please wear protection in those waters.

Stewart said...

Ok I got caught up on Hulu and this is some serious trash TV. I'm not sure if I'll be able to watch anymore, but your write ups are funny as hell and spot on as usual. The best moment of the episode was when Chris Harrison basically told Vienna to leave if she didn't like it. That was awesome. Oh, and if Mushmouth talks about how he is the godfather again, I hope Luca Brasi arranges a meeting with the fishes.