8/8--Bachelor Pad; Episode 1--I've Got to Take a JAKE and Wipe My PAVELKA

Oh. My. God! You people aren't seriously going to hold me to that ill-advised promise I gave you to blog about this, are you? I just watched my first episode of Bachelor Pad and that was terrible! I'm talking Jersey Shore-awful here! Surely all my sweet readers will release me from my promise to blog about this train wreck, won't you? Pretty please? Look people; I'm old, decrepit, falling apart, and that was like touring a sewer for three hours last night, expect sewers smell better. Fine! Fine, I'll do it. But if you're expecting any modicum of fairness or gentility, well, you can just forget it!

The Wingman's Not Even Required to Act Like He Likes Anyone...or Even be a Wingman

Chris Harrison, smiling like a guy paid high six-figures to host a game show forty times a year, appears out front of the Bachelor Mansion with the driveway all spritzed down and glistening under the lights as usual. Yes, limos will pull up but instead of a hoard of catty women trying to capture the heart of some dork, out pop 18 all-star famewhores prepared to compete for $250,000 smackers! Harrison grins like a man just released from prison and gleefully informs us that the very worst the Bachelor has had to offer in the last 22 seasons are back, "Yes, even the crazy ones!" Well, you can't damn him for honesty this once. After a horrifying preview of what's heading my way, the limos pull up and here we go:

Famewhores on Parade

Harrison plays meet and greet like he's the Bachelor and welcomes them all back, even the ones he has trashed like moldy sandwiches in the past.

1) Michelle "Money Shot! Money--Comes out looking as gorgeous as expected and in a Through Carroll's Looking Glass moment, spends the whole night being one of the classiest, nicest people on the grounds. Expect major image rehab for the Money Shot.

2) Blake the Smarmy Horny Dentist--Hide the women! The recent escapee from the clutches of Ashley Hebert is aboard and screw the money, this boy is looking for some tail! Good god, he drooled on every female in the place and the way he acted, Harrison better shower with a bodyguard.

3) Holly Durst--former Matt Grant escapee, now referred to on the boards as the Bachelor Bicycle because "everyone's had a ride". Doesn't look like she's running from that nickname either. Blake's already circling and preparing to mount for his turn.

4) Graham Bunn--the legend. The guy who dumped DeAnna Pappas and ran for the hills like any normal guy would. Never thought they'd get him back in the fold. Still got the shadowy face and abs going on but what's missing is an awful lot of hair. Hey Graham, better call Jason Mesnick and get on the Rogaine program; you're starting to look a little elvish.

5) Justin Rated-R Wrassler Rego--Drops any pretense at acting like a normal or decent person from the get go. Brags he got busted for having girlfriends while trying to cheese Ali Fedotowsky and played the Rated-R bad boy to the hilt. Even blew Harrison off on the way inside. In Ottawa, the parliament winced.

6) Erica Rose--Former princess of Prince Lorenzo Baloney. Bragged she had grown up since then when she appeared like a spoiled little bitch, but certainly wasn't interested in anything icky, like getting a job. Agreed to make out with the men, the women, the Mansion's gardener and Harrison's labrador, as long as it didn't violate her morals, which she sporting admitted, we're non-existent. Needs to tell her plastic surgeon daddy to lay off the procedures though; she was supposed be around 25, but looking 45.

7) Vienna Sausage Girardi--One of the obvious Stars of this season. Worked hard not to dispel any notions that she is a vain, manipulative, immature, golddigger, and drama queen extraordinaire. Spent the first half hour of the broadcast whining about her "terror" at having to see former fiance, and fellow famewhore extraordinaire, The Evil One. She should come with a warning label.

8) Eraser Head Ames--Dude, WTF are you doing here? Your Mumsy just lost her membership at the Eisenhower Golf and Country Club for this.

9) Gia "the pro" Allemand--Well, ya see Gia got dumped by Jake, and then she got dumped by Wes, who was screwing Vienna after she got dumped by Jake; then she got dumped by half the New York Yankees and nearly all of the Boston Bruins, so she came back to get screwed over by Jake. Huh?

10) Kasey Mushmouth Kahl--Bring on the subtitles. I said during Ali's season that he needed to get the word "Lunatic" tattooed across his forehead. I was wrong. He needs to get "CHUMP" tattooed there instead. Vienna's latest fool. Just give him the money, he's suffered enough.

11) Jackie Gordon--one of Brad Womack's survivors. Educated, articulate; paid her freight onto this travesty by being mean as hell to Michelle Money on the Women Tell All. Brought back because somebody needed to come onboard to fight with Michelle.

12) Alli Booty--Huh? Did someone call for a large-featured, somewhat mannish-looking chick who actually does struggle getting a date in real life? This one mystified.

13) Meth Head Melissa--yikes! The skanky, twenty-five year-old waitress who was debauched and seedy enough-looking to play Cougar to thirty-seven year-old Brad Womack. Previews show Blake is already aiming his missile at this. Jesus, dude! How hard up are you?

14) "Breakdancing" Michael Stagliano--Jillian Harris' former high school student suitor who apparently jumped on the Bachelor Bicycle and almost didn't get off. Narrow escape, man. At least he looks old enough to drive now.

15) Sultry Ella--another Jake Pavelka survivor. Lookin' hot and sounding desperate. No wonder they brought her on.

16) William the Unwise--Another mystery selection. Unfunny, dorky Tool.

                                   and

                                Ta Da!

As the great George Carlin once observed when smelling a truly awful fart: "It's not the smell; it's the burning of my eyes!"

I was going back over the count in my notes when the Wench Queen suddenly blurted, "Hey, it's Kirk." And sure enough, Ali's brave survivor of the mold monster attack, "Captain" Kirk was sitting there, and must be such a huge non-entity on this that he managed to slip inside without me noticing. I just looked up and he was there. Not sure that bodes well for you future in this game, bud.

The famewhores all stashed indoors, Harrison comes in tinging a glass with his cheese knife and announces: "Ok, you're all here; now let's get drunk and start hooking up!" I see Holly beat him to the punch. She spent the whole intro period eyeing Blake, hoping former fiance, Breakdance Michael would be a no-show, and was bombed before Harrison could even draw the cheese knife from its holster. And we're off! Ok, what happened? It's simple really: Vienna spent the whole time trying to introduce everyone to the "Monster" who was Jake just in case any of these other people had lived under a rock the past two years and were unaware what a turd he is. People paired off pretty quickly, since it seems impossible to win this contest unless you hook up, and since Vienna and Kasey were the only already established couple, they got all the attention and other possible hook ups wandered into their orbit. People like Captain Kirk and Alli Booty couldn't catch flies, while Ames stood around looking like a well-heeled museum patron who'd wandered into a porn theater. The rest of the evening was taken up by Vienna's former and current boyfriends sniffing around each other and pissing in the corners to mark their territories. Jake ran after Kasey and they had a man-to-turd talk. Kasey, who is about a foot taller, and forty pounds heavier than Jake, towered over him while Jake tried to talk him into not beating his ass. Shame; he succeeded.

The Missionary Challenge

The next morning we see several hook ups happened sometime: Eraser Head Ames has Jackie Gordon horizontal under a gazebo and is loving life, while Kirk gets a minute to whine to Blake that he got stuck with Erica Rose. Poor bastard. Anyway, Harrison leads them out front for their first challenge. The challenge is when the guys will be suspended 10 feet above beds in harnesses and the gals must hang onto their partner anyway they can, which means by aping the missionary position. They all mime the 'ol in-out and are hoisted up into the air. The couple that hangs on the longest wins roses and are immune to the first vote-off. For all the silliness of this, it got grueling. Some of the teams were what you would expect, several were surprises, however. Poor Graham, who's whipcord thin, got stuck trying to heft Alli Booty. It looked like a spider trying to web-wrap a Clydesdale. It takes him about 5 minutes to go "Urgggghhhh!" and disgorge her out onto the bed. She lands with a whinny and we're underway. As time passes, couples start falling out. Some left me scratching my head. William the Tool was partnered up with Gia, and he was one of the first to drop. Gia, who weighs about 75 lbs., scowled up at him, "I'm tiny. He couldn't hold me?" William's thrilled face pops up on my TV screen and crows, "I got to dryhump Gia! I'm the winner!" Idiot. Gia wanders away disgusted. The last two couples left hanging on are (naturally) Kasey and Vienna, and Jake and Jackie, who decided not to pair up with Ames for some odd reason. It goes past the thirty minute mark and the pain on the men's faces is evident. Both women hold on and ignore the burning in their arms and legs as well. Finally, Kasey, who is the largest of the men, is being cut in half by the harness and the voluptuous Vienna, and his legs start to turn purple from lack of circulation. "I can't..." Vienna, glaring over at Jake refuses to let go of him until he begs. Jackie releases Jake with a victory yell as Vienna hops down angrily onto the mat and Kasey is lowered onto the mattress in agony. Vienna, showing her character is not a result of edit, sneers at him and stomps away. Very classy. A moment later we see Kasey standing in the hot tub trying to get some circulation back into his body and Vienna stomps into the tub and busts his balls. "I expected more out of you!" Kasey tries to talk with her but any sign of disagreement on his part earns him a shout from Vienna, "You promised you would protect me! Why are you shouting?" Kasey, who had barely mumbled, shows how ridiculously pussywhipped he is and apologizes. Oh, son; grow a sack! Ugh!

Cheesemachine and Jackie "date"

Oh god. Night one and here's he is all in my face. Anyway, they head into town and he takes her to eat at a theater picked just to personally shove it into my eye: The El Capitan! (Up yours too, Fleiss!) They head down the street and some plump little girl has noticed the cameras and somehow figures out that her idol, the cheesemachine, is in attendance. Jake gets to act like a warm human being by speaking with the girl as she cries. "Hi, I'm Jake." Jackie stands aside smiling as the little girl fights tears and says, "You really do smell like Roquefort!" Anyway, the girl tells the Cheeser that being on TV was her dream. (get her number Fleiss; 5 more years and you got another famewhore.) They finally let her alone and Jake takes Jackie out onto the top of the theaters marquee for dinner where they strategize about what they will do the extra rose they were given. No, actually, the strategy consisted of Jake telling Jackie what a piece of tabloid trash Vienna was and Jackie, acting like a woman with a tenth of her actual I.Q., tells Le Fromage to do what he wants with the rose, maybe even give it to Vienna? Ha!

Cocktail Party Conspiracies

Before the drunken festivities can begin, Jake hauls his only supporter in the whole house aside and tells her he will leave her vulnerable at the vote and give his extra rose to Vienna. Gia splutters at him, "Huh?" Jake, who knows no one in the cast will ever allow him to win the money, only came back on this show for 5 more minutes of fame and to rehabilitate his pathetic reputation, hangs Gia out to dry and basically ends the entire game in the first week. With Gia forced to make a deal with Kasey to survive, Jake has guaranteed that Kasey and Vienna are basically bulletproof until the finale. Gia, who despite being sweet, isn't exactly the brightest star in the heavens, but even she knows what this means. "Jake, this is stupid!" Like he cares. He and Jackie call everyone into the central room and he gives Vienna the rose and tries to rehab his pathetic image. Vienna cries like she is being forced to sit near Frankenstein and walks away with the rose to do a P.I. "He goes next!" Brilliant move, Einstein. 

Now onto the drunken festivities. Rated-R slithers around the party trying to play some many sides of the fence he practically gets lost in a quantum dimension. He cheeses up Alli Booty, who runs and tells Graham and Michelle, who've allied themselves with Kasey and Vienna. And for ratting out Justin, they all target Alli? Huh? Alli stares around in disbelief as one after another person lets her know her number is about up. Rated-R gnashes his villainous choppers and rags Alli for being a drunken moron. The most powerful alliance in the house comes crashing down on these two non-entities and both are voted out. Alli walks away in a daze as Rated-R refuses to shake hands, steals Jake's rose and storms off to a limo to embarrass Canada.  

Previews: I couldn't watch another second and who the hell cares. Ugh!