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Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Emily Week 1: Southern Fried Cheese

Welcome back, my friends. After a very short off-season where I barely managed to recover from the disaster that was Ben Flajnik, I'm back to pester Southern Belle, Emily Maynard. After months of gleefully ignoring Emily (cause she told me to), Em went and reversed course and decided to turn herself into a public dartboard of criticism by accepting the lead role as the Bachelorette. Damn, all those months I could have been writing about her and her former fiance, Brad Womack, as they had knock down drag out fights and Brad drunk-dialed her all hours of the day and night to tell her A) what a bitch she is or B) how sorry he was for calling her a bitch, but I respected her wishes and ignored her. Now, she wrong foots me. Don't worry, payback is a bigger bitch than a drunk-dialing former boyfriend, Emily.

As the show opens, we are treated to the requisite montage of Emily and her daughter Ricki kibutzing around the mansion that the Hendricks family bought her and her daughter, and doing all the cute things a single mom and young daughter do, without those annoying two jobs most single mom's have: they make chocolate pancakes, swing down at the local park, and we see Emily tuck Ricki in at 7:30 and go and sit miserable and alone on the couch furrowing her brow at the certain fate of approaching spinsterhood. Naturally the spectre of Brad Womack shows up to remind the viewers what a hairy-faced, lying, committment-phobe he is. We see Brad tell her she is his "forever", which must be Texas-speak for "three months." Emily lays Brad the Cad on us and reminds us once again that her former-fiance had the good graces to knock her up before passing away. Miserable and alone, Emily steals a few producer-children and carpools them around Charlotte with Ricki before moping back to her mansion to be all alone. Fortunately for her, Chris Harrison is still around.

The Wingman pops out the front of the mans-- whoa! I better get on and read some message boards. Harrison has abandoned his assigned post at the Bachelor Mansion and tells us that he's in Charlotte, North Carolina. I peer past him at the poorly-lit digs and sure enough, it looks like Producer/sleazebucket Fleiss has rented a house from Gomez Addams. I finally look back at Harrison to see him dressed in his Meet and Greet uniform blathering on about Emily's broken heart and how all her relationships end in plane crashes and 3 AM drunken phone calls. Before I can call the wench queen for a refill, Harrison cues up a preview of the men. The first douche hops out of a helicopter and brags "I'm a young, fun, good looking guy with a few dollars in my pocket…I can wine, I can dine; I'm the modern southern gentleman." Really? Modern Southern Gentleman is now defined as a self-centered, effeminate fuckwit? How come I never get these memos? Several more flash before my eyes, but I'll skewer them later. Besides, it's time for Emily to tell us just how nervous she is.

Harrison greets her outside the Addams mansion and leads her inside. Emily gushes about nerves for filling the role she swore she didn't want. The wingman tries to shoehorn in some sob story about her former fiance but thankfully, she shuts him down. "I don't want to talk about it anymore." Thank you. Shame the producers don't feel the same way. Harrison shifts gears and tells some lies about how they changed the venue to Charlotte instead of L.A. so Ricki wouldn't be put out. Really? According to what I just read on a board, you were in Charlotte for 3 episodes, then it's off to see the world with Ricki in tow apparently. Why not just move the girl to L.A. with her mom and skip the lowlight palace? Nevermind. Why do I even bother to ask. Emily insists she wants a hoard of kids and off we go.

After a commercial, Harrison walks Emily out front and presto! she has a magically altered, and much better hairdo. (Lovely editing, Fleiss.) And here they come:

1) Sean: 28 year-old insurance agent that simply introduced himself. The wench assures me he's cute. Good start.

2) David: Dorky musician with a fruity 5 o'clock shadow. He was seen in the previews assaulting a piano and screeching out Emily's name. Not feeling this guy, despite the excellent hair.

3) Doug--Dug! Whips out his 11 year-old son instantly and overplays his hand to death. Later, he pulls out a letter he strong armed his kid into writing to Emily. The kid wins the First Impression Rose. Dug? Not sure.

4) Jackson--hip name, pink shirt and cheeseball supreme. Drops to a knee and yammers something about having his breath taken away. Supposedly a "Fitness model". Looked like a Romulan to me. Waited until after he got dumped to strip down and show off his torso. Looked like a Stretch Armstrong doll. Don't worry, he was soon free to go home and continue the love affair with himself.

5) Joe, a Field Energy Supervisor who led with a preamble of "Emilyyyyy! Whatscha say?!" and acted like he skipped the booze and hammered the Moutain Dew instead. Danced around like a hyperactive toddler and practically defined the term "Nerd."

6) Arie: This one caused a spike in the wench's blood pressure and Emily's too, from what I saw. Tall, blue-eyed race car driver from the Netherlands. I googled around and saw he was the son of Arie Luyendyk--a guy I saw win the Indy 500. Might be a player.

7) Kyle: Finance dork shopping about a mile out of his league.

8) Chris--Bobble-Head Chris: Odd-looking dude who pulled out bobble head dolls of himself and Emily and hammed it up. She appeared to like him though. We'll see.

9) Aaron: High school biology teacher who's "here to strike out with you", or something like that.

10) Alessandro: A "grain merchant." What, is he a bread salesman? Turns out he's from Brazil. Funny though, I though he looked more like an Alabama redneck. Not feeling it.

11) Jef--One-F-Jef: Nice hair, dude. Weirdest doo of the night. Some kind of Buster Poindexter bouffant and comes in riding a skateboard. I was feeling Jesse "The Stoned Snowboarder" vibes from this guy until I re-watched the previews. Turns out he is CEO of a bottled water company who provides water around the world to those who can't get clean h2o. Seriously, if this guy is legit, he's addressing one of the most important issues in the developing world. Many folks don't know this but the leading cause of the death in the developing world--especially for children--isn't some weird Ebola strain, it's a lack of potable drinking water. That simple. This guy might be a fraud or a douche, but that's a valuable service. I'm still not gonna' give him a break on that hair though. Or the stupid name. Emily seemed intrigued by him though. Might be a sleeper.

12) Lerone--Holy crap! It's a black dude! Boy 'ol Fleiss really knows how to give the middle finger to the PC crowd, doesn't he? He skips having a black guy for the San Francisco career girl and the Maine dentist, and then sics one on the Confederate Princess? Shame too. Good looking, normal-acting, real estate dude. I'm sure Emily is catching hell over dumping him, but I'll cut her some slack. Although interracial relationships are as common as rain in Seattle these days, some people are just not attracted to folks outside their own race. We like what we like. Still a shame though. Compared to a few of the turds she kept, this guy wasn't black, he was solid gold. But I knew when I first saw him that I'd be able to time this guy's tenure on this show with an egg timer.

13) Stevie: Ugh! Arrives with a boom box and dances around like a Tool. Wears a horrible green shirt with his suit and tells Emily he's "an dancer, an MC, an entertainer." Sounds like a guy who cages quarters in the subway to me. Kinda ugly too.

14) Charlie: stout, muscle-bound dude who was highlighted in the previews for preferring falling off collapsing decks to having plane crashes. Bragged he had a traumatic brain injury, which explains why he's on this show.

15) Tony: Lumber trader. How's that job sound? "I'll trade ya 3 2x4's for 6 2x6's." Leads with a plastic slipper on a pillow. Hey Emily, did you know Prince Charming was so fugly? Got a rose anyway. Hey Lerone, what do you think about that?

16) Randy--Jonathan Winters. Just to make sure I'd have nightmares, he shows up dressed like Maude Frickert too. Emily looked like she wanted to slam her plastic slipper into his fanny.

17) Nate: Pretty boy Nate. Uh, Emily thinks he smells good. Time for some rogaine, pretty boy.

18) Brent: Well hello Grandpa! 41? Seriously? This guy is only a few years younger than your old captain, and I'll tell you that I would win a Who's Younger contest with this guy. Later he tells her that he has 6 kids. Yeah, and how many grandkids? Randy looked younger in his Maude Frickert outfit. Weirdest casting ever.

19) John: "Wolf" Uhhhh, no. I hear his last name is Wolfson or whatever, but don't lead with that, stupid. He's a "Data Destruction Specialist". Big deal. So's my wife. I have to buy her a new computer every six months. They pay you for that? I'll have her give "Wolf" a call.

20) Travis. Arrives with an ostrich egg. Yeah, I just write 'em, I don't make 'em up. She made him wait for the rose until last.

21) Michael: Curtains of long, greasy hair. Wasn't shown saying a word. Thank you for joining us, Mr. Suit Filler. Go stand in the corner with grandpa and the black dude.

22) Jean-Paul: Qui Qui! Marine biologist who told Emily he didn't know anything about her. Whoosh! Out the door he goes.

23) Alejando--Mushroom Farmer. No shit; I kid you not. Colombian farmer who snazzy dresses and has diamond earrings. You sure you're farming mushrooms?

24) Ryan: Bed-headed Ken doll who declares he was a "professional football player." Really, what team? Oh, Arena League. I googled it. Let's not oversell there pal. Professional Football players make more money than New York garbage men. Emily seemed to like him though. Had a good intro where he reads a note that charms her. But it always amazes me that men spend 45 minutes on their hair to make it look like they've never touched it a minute in their lives. Weird.

25) Kalon: How I hoped this guys name rhymed with Talon. I was going to call him Kalgon, as in Kalgon, take yourself anyway! No such luck. It's the douche from the intro and he pronounces it Kay-Lynn. He comes in on his homocopter and is listed as a  "Luxury Brand Consultant." I think that translates into "asshole." The best the other goofs can do is call him, "helicopter guy." Work on it, boys. Looks like you'll get your chance too; the producers won't let this guy go easy.

Once the party starts, not much happens as they race thru the evening. Very little of the usual drama; Stevie the loser takes a dislike to Kay-Lynn the Asshole but that's about it. Harrison finally remerges and brings the First Impression Rose in. Emily takes her time and drifts around before awarding it to Dug's son. Fast as a cat, Harrison drops the bottle of Cuervo and rounds them up for roses.

First Impression Rose: Dug's son.
1) Bobble Head Chris
2) Ryan-Rhino, Arena League Hero.
3) Kay-Lynn-Boo!
4) Arie--Uh, yeah.
5) Charlie
6) One-F-Jef
7) Pretty Boy Nate
8) Sean-Yep
9) Joe-Score one for hyperactive dweebs
10) Kyle--Fill that suit!
11) Aaron
12) Alejandro--farmer of (ahem) something in Colombia
13) John Wolf--Expect my call
14) Alessandro--"Will you accept this rose?" "Yee haw! I mean, si!"
15) Michael
16) Stevie--ha ha! Take that Lerone.
17) Tony-no seriously, Lerone, take that!
Enter wingman
"Emily, gentlemen, its the final rose tonight. Since I'm single now, I'll be over here with my Android sexting with some hot chicks. When you're ready."
18) Ostich egg Travis.

Jonathan Winters. Grandpa. Jackson the male bimbo. Lerone the token. Jean Paul the Marine Biologist.

1 comment:

Debbie in Texas said...

Captain -

I've missed you! Had to boycott Ben's season (had about as much interest in him as the Dixie Belle had for Lerone).

Am delighted to see that you are still in fine form! LOVED your account of the opening show! May have to make a drinking game out of this season. The secret word is "awesome." Ran out of fingers and toes in scoring how many times that word was said.

THANKS for your hysterical recap!!