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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Emily Week 3: Alessandro Lincoln: Vampire Hunter!


Well, that was pretty good, wasn't it? Thrilling? No. But pretty good. I'm impressed with Emily. She tossed two dudes out who clearly had had enough of this show, but came across as sincere, picky, and tough. Nothing wrong with that. Is she going to meet her husband here? Uh, no. Emily has been single since…well, her entire life. At 26 she is living in a $450,000 plus house, driving a $50,000 SUV and doing it all with no visible means of income. Yeah, I'm sure she struggles to get dates. My well-deserved cynicism aside, she has represented well and is showing a lot more common sense than most Bachelorettes. Well done, Emily. But before I break my arm patting her on the back, I'd better recap.

We get the requsiste opening shot of Emily being served breakfast in bed by her doting momma and daughter Ricki hating all over the cameras like a real little girl. Good job, Ricki; tell all those creepy weirdos to get out of your free house. The poor kid.
After seeing momma doting on her little princess, we switch to Harrison greeting the boys outside of Bachelor Pad Dixie dressed in his casual gear and needlessly recounting all the ways you can get booted off the show. He also fills us in on the date lineup--2, one-on-one dates and 1 Group Date--before he drops the date card and races away to test out Charlotte's best golf courses, his work week already half way over. Charlie Knieval bestirs himself and reads off the name of Bobble-Head Chris: "Love is a steady climb." Fear of heights, anyone? Turns out Fleiss read the wrong psychological profile this time. Chris isn't afraid of heights; Emily is. But lacking terror at slowly step-climbing up a building doesn't phase Chris--he's on the Jake Pavelka Cheese Machine Training Course of ridiculously golly-gee overstatement. "Whatever it is, I'm really looking forward to it and honored to be given the opportunity." In a private interview, he purses his little chick mouth and relates breathlessly, "It's my time to shine!If I don't get that rose, I'll be devastated. I feel like the luckiest guy in the world!" Calm down before you injure yourself, Chris.

Before he hyperventilates, they quick-cut to him walking in the dark with Emily. She gushes about his cuteness and then walks him over to a building for a climbing adventure. They stand at the base of the building and dangle some ropes over the edge so Chris can hammer us with some scripted metaphors from Fleiss's well-thumbed filing cabinet: "Climbing a building is like love. We're starting at the bottom and working our way up, and we're going to end up at the top." And I bitched about the Muppets. Anyway, they use some reverse rappelling equipment I've never seen before, but I think it's equipment specially designed for 80 year-olds. Emily, who appears about as athletic as Courtney Love, manages to slow walk up to the top without even heavy breathing. Couldn't have been too hard. Bobble Head might be a ham with the hyperbole, but he looked damn near bored. So much for quaking with fear; wrong psychological profile, Fleiss. Ha. To stir some drama, Fleiss orders the Special Effects Department to find some lightning flashing about a hundred miles away as they emerge on the buildings roof.

Once on the roof, the thunderstorm Fleiss hires blows Emily's hair around and she flirts shamelessly with the bobbling headed one…or at least she does until she finds out how old he is. "You're twenty-five?" Gulp. Emily expected him to much older for some reason. This gives her a chance to announce his age to be a "red flag" cause she is a package deal, in case he's been living under a rock by the pool these last few weeks and hasn't heard or wasn't paying attention when she hauled her daughter up onstage to frolic with the Muppets. Actually it's just a chance to segue to the ginned up drama of the evening. We cut to a cell phone call between Fugly Tony and his son. Boo hoo. Very moving. Anyway, back at the rooftop, Chris turns on the charm without his bobble head falling off his shoulders, and Emily gives him the rose. She then leads him to a cordoned off street where some country music dude named,er…I don't remember. But I give the guy credit, he wasn't lip synching, no matter who he was. The twosome dances around and finally Chris earns his cheeseball wings when he kisses her and assures us that kissing her was the "greatest thing in my life!" Son of Pavelka. If he tells us nice guys finish last or that he was known as Mr. Dateless, we may have our new Bachelor. But Emily's future husband? Eh, doubtful. Date over.

Emily's Horny Friends


With the Bobble Head safely back at Bachelor Pad Dixie gushing out lines of script to the cameras, Emily heads to a park in Charlotte with her group date gang so they can play with some tykes (to show off their awesome fatherhood skills, don't ya know) and to let her horny, middle-aged girlfriends poke, prod, and grill her beefcakes. Two sensible looking (and acting) brunettes handle the fatherhood questions, while a frumpy Pakistani and a horny, washed-out looking barfly-blond, stick to the sex questions. The blond actually asks the Ostrich Egg dude if he fertilized the egg himself. How come I never get asked questions like that? Anyway, a handful of dudes get asked questions but the 1st Wives Club mostly forces the men to do pushups, dance, and look for other certain clues as to their wonderfulness as husbands and fathers. That is, they did..until Bodybuilder Sean arrives. He walks up and I thought the blond was going to try and rape him. Sean turns as red as a beat as they make him strip down shirtless and act like their personal slaveboy. Blond Wendy gushes that he is a "genetic gift to the world", and then sits on his back while he does shirtless push ups. Why do I get the feeling she wished Sean were facing the other direction? Anyway, her horny friends finished, Emily tosses some cold water on the boys by siccing some tykes on them. They all frolic in the park, but Arena League Ryan decides to break ranks and introduce Emily and her friends to a dose of his undeserved arrogance. He breaks in on their hen talk and lets Emily know that if she ever gets fat, he's gonna' trade her in on a 20 year-old hardbody. Emily doesn't care much for that, and who could blame her. The guy's a personal trainer who used to play Arena League and has a douchy bedhead. Where did the high opinion of himself come from? Confidence is one thing; arrogance quite another. From now on his name is Overrated. You just know this guy was in a college frat that specialized in getting 18 year-old freshman too drunk to resist. What a Tool.

Fugly Tony Dumps Himself


As darkness falls, Emily takes the gang to swank place called Butter, and it's here that she fawns on Sean, and where Fugly Tony decides he has no chance with Emily and uses his son as an escape hatch. Sean, who looked like solid gold during the group date, continues to get a shining edit. The guy comes across as earnest, honest, interested in faith, and from a strong family. And he's shredded. Just ask horny Wendy. Next up is Dug!, and his beady eyes, who tells a tale of woe of being abandoned and then spending time in foster homes. It was pretty tough. Emily started crying. He's looking good for the moment. But after the touching stuff, it's time to bore us. Overrated Ryan digs into Fugly Tony and tries to get him all worked up about his kid so he can exit. The next one-on-one card arrives while Tony gets wound up to walk out, and no surprise, the date goes to Racecar Arie. He can hardly wait to jump in front of a camera and launch into some cheesy racing metaphors. "I'm used to things moving fast, but it's been slow so far with Emily. I'm hoping this date really revs things up." Is Arie a Formula One driver? His sponsor must be Velveeta. Maybe they call his car the McClaren Cheesebag? Anyway, Kay-Lynn tosses a lame put down at him, "Can you drive a stickshift?" Arie assures him he can, and we all know that Kay-Lynn can drive any stickshift he comes across, even if it's attached to a guy named Bob. Regardless, it's time for Fugly Tony to work himself up into a lather and set the groundwork for his escape. He sits with Emily and whines…and whines…and whines. Look, I could give a shit if this guy misses his kid. Go home! Fine by me. But if it's genuinely bothering you, why did you agree to be separated from him for weeks? Emily was gone for a 7 week shoot on Brad's show and she didn't whine herself off the set. Shockingly, little Ricki survived. Anyway, Dug!, who apparently doesn't miss his kid much, hauls Tony into a dingy alley and tells him his kid won't even remember him being gone, so don't sweat it. Dug's right. But saying it that way makes it sound like you don't care about your tyke for shit, Dug. I don't mind Fleiss putting single parents on this show in the least, but I don't want to hear them spend half an episode whining about their kids either. But noooooooooooooo. One of Fleiss' minions hands him a cell phone so he can call the disinterested kid and he can work himself up into a full lather. Was this real? Was Tony's only reason for leaving the pain of separation? Maybe. But it's also possible with this show that Harrison had the guy in the alley kneeing him in the crotch so his eyes would water. Then they wasted a ton of my time showing the guy whine. Suffice it to say, Emily basically told him to go home to his kid and Tony took off like a shot. One down, two to go.

Dolly Parton was at Dollywood? Shocking!


It's time for erudite, European-born racecar driver Arie to experience some culture shock. The producers decide it was a wise move to have Emily take the only European in the cast to the Dollywood Theme Park, which I believe is located in Peckerwood, Tennessee. Such fun. Look, these Europeans practically vomit at the thought of Disney and hell that place has mimes. So just to rub the stake in the eye, they send Arie to the redneck equivalent:Dollywood.They should have made Arie wear a beret and recite electric poetry while Emily led him around the park trying to get him to try the moonshine. Arie looked as thrilled as you might expect. Once inside the park, Emily and Arie wander around and the producers contract-extort Emily onto a roller coaster so Arie can act all manly and protective. Emily looks ready to poop her drawers as the "Wild Eagle" mounts the hills and plunges around. I wonder if Arie was a true gentleman and held her hair back while she puked? Arie flounders around like a fish out of water, but plays the good sport. Emily looked approving. "I think Arie may have a little country in him." Yeah, and by "country", I think she means Holland, but nevermind. It's time to move on to the point of the visit: its time for the twosome to wander into the musical theater and for Dolly Parton to come out and "surprise" Emily. To her credit, Emily does indeed look blown away at the surprise--which proves she's a decent actress or as dense as titanium. You're in freaking Dollywood, Emily Maynard; home of your music idol, Dolly Parton! You remember Dolly, don't you, Emily? Dolly's the woman who used to famous for having HUGE boobs; now she's famous for looking like a wax dummy of herself. Jeez, Dolly, wrinkles aren't really that scary. Regardless, Dolly "surprises" them and even she thinks Emily is a little dense about the ambush. "Yes, quite a surprise that Dolly Parton is here at Dollywood, eh?" Lol. Dolly might looked like an embalmed hooker, but that was pretty sly. Anyway, Dolly sings for them, acts like she knows something about Emily and then kicks them out of her crypt. Arie takes Emily over to a merry-go-round and sucks her face off. Wow! Man those Europeans are a horny as Emily's friends. Good Job, Arie. The rose is a cert. Date over.

Alley-Cat-Ssandro has Had Enough Too.


At the cocktail party, another suitor decides he's had enough of this show and basically shows himself to the exits. Allessandro, who used to be half of one full Hispanic guy with his partner, Alejandro, gets Emily alone and basically tells her that her daughter is a big "compromise" he would have to make. Since the dude is Portuguese, I was sure there was a translation issue here, and maybe there was. But he assured her it wasn't the case and he knew what he meant. Emily practically removed her high heels and hit him in the center of the forehead with her spiked heel. She rushes him to the exit and throws him out. In the car the guy looked stunned. Still unsure if there was a translation issue, I took a quick peek at Emily's blog and she said Alessandro took her out into the woods to show her all the crosses he'd hung from the trees to ward off vampire. "He thought he was a vampire hunter!" What? The guy thought he was Abraham Lincoln? Wow, what a nut. Then they show us edited footage from the park meeting and we see Alessandro telling Emily's buds that he dated his cousin, enjoys one night stands, and pretty much frequents whore houses. Once Emily throws him out, she has a sit down with Kay-Lynn, so he can show her what a spoiled, egotistical, and condescending bottle of Summer's Eve he is. While whining about having to share, Emily tries to commiserate with his feelings and he tells her, "I love to hear you talk, but please don't interrupt me." BUZZ! Ok, there's all the proof you need that this guys continued existence on your TV screen is a producer stunt. Emily would be better off with Allessandro, the Whore-Mongering Vampire Hunter. Fleiss laughs fiendishly: he's had his whiner, his psycho, and his douche. Good enough. He sends in the Wingman wielding his signature cheese knife and champagne glass and calls the evening to a halt.

Roses: 


Already Safe:
Bobble Head Chris, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Arie the Racer
1) One-F-Jef--quiet week.
2) Charlie Knieval--Might be about time to crashland into Dumpsville.
3) Dug! The Absent Father-- Your kid will forgive you…or write a book about how much you suck for going on reality shows and ignoring him.
4) Michael and his Greasy Hair--considering the only words I've heard him say are "Yes.", I'm pretty sure we can forget about him.
5) Ostrich Egg Travis--Emily was as sick of his ostrich egg stunt as I was and broke it in the driveway. She should have busted it over his frohawk.
6) Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer--He said five words this week. Might make top 10.
7) Overrated Ryan--Proof that this show is based almost solely on looks for the first month. Tool.
8) John Wolf, and his rapidly receding hairline.
9) Kay-Lynn--Go kiss Fleiss for that rose, loser.
Harrison wanders in and does what little he does for a paycheck bigger than Dolly Parton's plastic surgery bills.
10) Pretty Boy Nate--said three words in three weeks. Fill that suit, son!

Dumped: 

Stevie, the squinty-eyed, street performer. Man, how did she let a catch like this guy go? Amazing.

Overrated Ryan now takes a few moments to predict a feud with Arie. ZZZZZZ.
Next week: Bermuda where Bobble Head Chris wants to know why Dug the Absent Father wants to cost him a rose with Emily.



2 comments:

From Flame to Fire said...

The country singer's name is Luke Bryan :) He's from Leesburg, GA, son!

Captain Barbarossa said...

Why thank you.