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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Emily--Week 2: Muppet Torture

Harrison and the only funny Muppet, Statler. Who rules!

Muppet Torture


This is what I get for ignoring the message boards and Twitter the last few months. With Emily's "image" as an angelic single mom, I wasn't expecting drunken blow outs and wild hot tub scenes, but the Muppets? I must be the only person on the face of the Earth that thinks the Muppets are irritating as hell. And before you just dismiss me as a nasty old curmudgeon, keep in mind that this pirate was forced to endure endless episodes of Barney the Dinosaur and Mighty Morphin Power Rangers as a young father. But the Muppets? They suck. Well most of them anyway. I guess it comes as no surprise that I like the two grouchy old men, is it? Nevermind. Until Emily gets to establish her credentials as Snow White the Single Mom and then heads off to Europe to make out with a bunch of dudes, I'll just have to endure.

Harrison looks ready to endure anyway. Taking a few minutes away from hitting on women on his Facebook, the newly-single Wingman comes out onto the pool deck of Bachelor Pad Dixie and rounds the boys up. With his dark Jedi mind control, Harrison starts off by stating as fact that all the well-sculpted meatheads are already in love with Emily after the Meet and Greet. The boys all smirk, nod and answer "These aren't the droids we're looking for." Harrison grins knowingly and then whips out his favorite threat, "Not all of you will be going on dates this week, so when you get time alone with Emily and the Muppets, you'd better act like you think they're cute or you're outta here!" The men nod in submission and Harrison drops the date card before heading out to meet some young, single "fans."

Arena League Ryan Gets Domestic


Single father Dug reads off the name of former "professional football player" (cough! Arena League) Rhino Ryan and his bedhead. Ryan smirks, refers to his pastor, and then heads inside to muss his hair, scuff his shoes, and un-shave his square chin for his date. This gives sexually challenged Texan, Kay-Lynn a moment or two to read some script to the camera about how badly he wants to pillage Ry--er, I mean Emily. As Ryan emerges in a linen t-shirt, Emily comes tootling up to the mansion in her soccer-mom mobile. A Tahoe? How many kids do you have Emily? Nevermind. They head out to pollute the ozone in her oversized gas guzzler but instead of bungee jumping over a bridge, she hauls Rhino back to her place to mow her grass, steam clean her carpets, fetch her groceries…ok, I'm lying, but not by much. Instead of some high-octane, freaky fake Bachelorette date, Emily takes him inside for an low-octane freaky fake date instead. Emily tells le Beefcake that since she's supposed to provide snacks for Ricki's soccer team, they are going to bake cookies like she always does (rolls eyes). What a shame they stopped selling cookies at the store. Anyway, she dresses him in an apron and they bake some cookies while his penis shrinks to the size of a gnat. Emily is impressed he passed the cookie test. Amen.

She then drives them over to the soccer field but leaves him in the car so Ryan won't hear the other moms screaming at her for bringing cookies to a soccer practice instead of something healthy. The required single mom duties complete, the two are now allowed to act like adults. Emily ditches the Tahoe for an Aston Martin and comes over to pick Ryan up. She tosses him the keys and he drives them over to a ritzy restaurant where four hundred people Fleiss recruited stand outside and post pics to their Twitters as the couple goes inside. They sit down to dinner and she asks some tough questions and he smarms her pretty good. They actually have a deep conversation for the first date, and the chemistry looks pretty good.

Back at the Mansion, the date card arrives and just about every single guy I've pegged as a suit filler gets called out for a something to do with a theater. Kay-Lynn's smarmy noggin pops up on my screen to assure us he "embraces the stage" like the true Barbara Streisand fan that he is. I'm a believer.

Ryan keeps up the charm offensive and scores points with Emily. She lets us know in a private interview that Ryan is too much like Brad, "He's too perfect." Like Brad? Don't you mean like Jake Pavelka? Brad was a commitment phobe; Jake was too perfect. Nevermind. Despite the mixed characters, Ryan seems to have done well and he easily gets the rose. They go and dance while some country group named Gloriana lip syncs and a crowd films Ryan and Emily and put it up on YouTube. Date over.

Ugh! Muppet Time


Emily hauls the 90% suit fillers to see the Muppets. She is joined the by two South Americans who are actually one guy--Allesandro/jandro, as well as Kay-Lynn, John Wolf, Pretty boy Nate, Aaron the Biology Teacher, Fugly Tony, and several others not worth mentioning. They are joined by a couple of players, Bobble Head Chris, One-F-Jef, and the focus of the performance, Charlie Knievel--the collapsing deck daredevil. Now amidst the lameness the Muppets are going to pass around, Charlie becomes the focus of the drama since he's still recovering from the head injury he suffered and has trouble talking…I think. Maybe it's only in public? He was never clear about that. The rest of the time he sounded fine, but what do I know? Regardless, quick as a flash here comes Kermit and Ms. Piggy to irritate the hell out of me. Kermit mushmouthes, sings lame songs, tells lame jokes, and Piggy runs around screeching and karate chopping people for no good reason, like usual. Fozzie Bear comes out to teach a few of the stiffs how to do bad stand up comedy and succeeds beyond his wildest dreams. They perform a dance number where Emily shows she's no Ashley Hebert. Amidst the nonsense, Charlie freaks out and goes to see Emily about his speech problem. She lets him out of singing and instead he gets a soft spot being interrogated by Ms. Piggy. If he could survive that, he's fine. Anyway, the show ends with Emily onstage dragging like Ricki up there to refuse to sing with Kermit. Well at least the kids got taste. Harrison joins Statler, the only funny Muppet, and these two provide the only chuckles of the evening by tearing the show to pieces. No wonder Trojan is going sponsor his next show: ageless good looks, tons of money, and comic timing to boot. Some guys have it all. The guy's a chick magnet. Harrison will do ok too.

The after party ensues and Bobble Head Chris is up first to tell us how he needs the rose worse than air or something. Emily tells him how good-looking he is. This sets him up to pout when she gives the rose to chronic hipster, One-F-Jef. Emily gets him alone and grills him because he isn't slobbering all over her. Jef is a guy I can't get a read on. With his stupid single-F name he's adopted, his skinny jeans, skateboard, and Frankie Avalon hairdo, the guy strikes me as Mr. Pretentious. Other times he seems pretty cool. Truth is, Emily seems smitten with guy regardless of how I read him. Anyway, the evening drags on and various guys get to make their pitches. Emily finally sits them down and gives Mr. Pretentious the rose.

Time for Some Cannon Fodder


While Emily was chasing the indifferent Jef, the date card arrives back at homebase and much to my surprise, Dweeby Joe gets called out. I laugh at once. Joe was a guy I was shocked to see survive night one. Now he gets called out for a one-on-one in week 2? Ha ha. I can already hear the gulliotine blade sliding down the chute. Joe's sole reason for existence is to go and stand in front of a firing squad. Emily tries to cloud the issue by saying Joe looks like "Matthew McConaughey" and predicts a fun, over the top date. To set the trap, Emily takes Joe for a Learjet ride before she yanks the rug out from under him. They fly to West Virginia, take a ride in an ancient Rolls Royce, but Emily is already hinting at the friend card. They go to Greenbriar mansion, a place for southern aristocracy, proving Emily didn't grow up poor. As night falls, Emily emerges down a staircase like Scarlet O'Hara, takes Joe to dinner and dumps his rump. Completely blindsided, Joe heads out on his own as Harrison lays off camera and hits Emily with a cattle prod to work up a few tears. As Joe gets the ride of shame, they let off fireworks anyway so Emily can stand on the balcony and look forlorn about what might have been.

Cocktail Party


As the party opens, the rest of the players who got left behind get a few minutes to raise Emily's blood pressure. Arie the race car driver gets to describe life in his hometown, and shortly Emily is giggling like a teen. Fugly Tony shows his insecurities about being fugly but before he can make his pitch, Ryan, who already has a rose, steals her and she sits and reads a letter longer than War and Peace from the meathead. Fugly Tony sits there listening while Emily reads the letter from Mr. Arena League, and fugly or not, Tony refuses to back out and shows some stones. This makes Ryan looks like a douche. Tony finally gets his shot and tells her he has a five hear-old son. He may be fugly, but he does well. Kay-Lynn is up next to whine about how Dug took his backhanded insults the right way and now everyone hates him. He gets a few seconds of Emily's time to whine about how tough he's got it, and surprise! the producers send Dug in for the steal. Harrison comes in tinging his glass with his signature cheese knife and here we go.

Roses:

Harrison lines em up and Emily comes in and stumble mumbles through a preamble.
Safe--Arena League Ryan and One-F-Jef

1) Kay-Lynn--Producers drama pick goes first.
2) Arie the Racer--easy peasy. There may be no stopping this guy.
3) Michael and his Greasy Hair--suit filler.
4) Pretty Boy Nate--as mute as 'ol greasy hair, but no worries.
5) Sean--Left behind this week but can coast to Top 5 at least.
6) Bobble Head Chris--Has a mouth like a chick, but she likey.
7) Dug--got pissed at Kay-Lynn--not sure I like him anyway.
8) Ostrich Egg Travis--both mute and invisible this week.
9) Fugly Tony--a tweener.
10) John Wolf--eh, not sure about him yet.
11) and 13) Allesandro/Jandro
12) Charlie Knievel--Crash lands into a flower

Enter Harrison:
Emily, gentlemen, it's the last rose of the evening. Did you see me with Statler? How much does he rock? When you're ready.

14) Stevie the Loser: Ugh!

Dumped: Kyle, the finance dork, and Aaron the teacher; two guys who must feel like major dorks after being whipped by Stevie the ugly street performer.

Next week: uh, I really need to read some spoiler I guess. Looks like Arie gets to style it, and Sean steps forward while it looks like Fugly Tony steps out.

See ya then.




1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Love your blog, as always. Your insights are always spot on and funny as hell. I didn't like Emily before but she's got spunk. I'm hoping she'll do great, unlike all the dimwits we've had to endure in previous seasons.