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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Emily Week 7: Bobble Head Chris's Time of the Month

Your Whining Vaccination

Folks, I'm having to type this to you via my iPad. Ya know why? Because my air conditioning is broken...and I live in Florida...Florida in June. With a broken air conditioner. I'm on this iPad cause if I placed my MacBook on my lap to type like a normal human being, my nuts would melt! Well, there ya go. Hope that got you warmed up for today's recap so when Bobble Head Chris spends the entire episode whining like a giant ovary, you'll be immune. No need to thank me; it's my pleasure.

What an oddball episode this one was anyway. Chris spent the night in the backdrop, bitching, whining, and crying like a toddler while a storm broke about Arie that couldn't have been less interesting. Meanwhile several dudes got one-on-one dates and Captain Obvious reclaimed the helm of this ship and spoilers, which have been non-existent to this point, became completely unnecessary, at least as far as the final 3 are concerned. What was different was a sudden explosion of "Wingman" sightings. This guy is usually as elusive as Bigfoot, but Harrison was snatched from his private lair repeatedly, and doubtlessly exhausted himself this night.

 

The Incredibly Romantic City of Prague.

 

Remember when there used to be a Czechoslovakia? I always pictured the place as soot gray, covered in a permanent haze of pollution from the tank factory, and reeking to high heaven from crumbling, shoddily-built worker flats. Well congrats to the (somewhat) newly minted Czech Republic for not allowing the commies to destroy your architecture or poison your environment beyond repair. When I first heard the show was going to Prague, I laughed. What, were they going to stage dates in the slag heaps or the tank factory? Uh, no. They were going to stage dates in some gorgeous architectural places along scenic rivers that looked more like Vienna (the city, not the worthless fameho) than my mental picture of the Soviet Bloc could ever conjure. Who's the rube now? Showed me Czech people. Or Czechs or whatever. Feels stupid naming a people from such a beautiful country after an outdated financial instrument, but whatever. Those Checks showed my hillbilly ass what a beautiful country they got. Regardless, out comes Harrison for the first of what will be several appearances tonight. He lines the remaining clods up and spells out the date line up: 3 one-on-one dates with no roses anywhere, and 1 group date. No idea what that was about, but definitely a change up. It's at this moment that my tv went out because we needed an update from our local weather schmuck about the tropical storm that was pounding down all around us. Thanks, I could have looked out the window.

 

Wingman Filibuster

 

When we return, Race car Arie and Emily are already on a date and already kissing. Quick inserts let us know that Emily knows Arie has a secret. Apparently Arie used to date a bachelor producer. Woooooo, and he never told Emily about it. Before I can start to digest what this might mean here comes the wingman out in front of the Bachelor Mansion in LA to expound about what it all means. He pounds on about "full disclosure" and shows us a taped sequence where Cassie Lambert--the scarlet producer--set up a camera and talked with Emily about it. Emily feels like Arie hid the relationship from her, blah, blah, etc, etc. For whatever reason, Emily doesn't appear nettled at Cassie in the least, which is weird since she and Cassie have probably spent ten times the amount of time together these past seven weeks than she has with Arie, but whatever. This gives us a chance to see Emily sit with Arie and she prods him to get him to talk. Nada. When we return from commercial, here comes the Wingman again acting like an expository character in a bad novel. He explains what we just saw...BUT...all three people sat down and talked it out deciding it was no big deal, BUT...they didn't film it? Yeah, right. What a load of crap! They bother filming Cassie grilling Emily about how she feels about it, but they don't bother to film all three of them discussing it and use the wingman like a cheesy chorus in a bad Greek tragedy? BS. What really happened? No idea. But who cares. Emily didn't send Arie home and only moments later we see them back on the date alluding to the "bombshell" and laughing. Arie then L-Bombs her early, just to show all is well. Weird. They ride away on the roof of a harbor ferry and Arie grins "I'm on top of the world." No, you're on top of a boat. Date over.

 

Care for Some Cheese to Go With Your Whine?

 

As Arie and Emily finish up their weird date, it's time for Bobble Head Chris to get his panties in the tightest wad of the season and whine, whine, whine. Awaiting the next one-on-one date card to arrive, Chris starts hyperventilating and showing how incredibly STUPID he is. Why stupid? He keeps wondering why he hasn't had a date since Charlotte? Because she likes the other guys more than you, stupid! Kick back, fill your suit, have a beer, and enjoy what remains of the free trips. Geez, what a moron. But blind, or just plain dumb, Chris whines and cries the entire episode showing how out of it he is. The date card arrives and serial profanity expert, John Wolf, calls his own name for one-on-one time. Chris practically soiled his drawers. Chris, my friend, you just lost out to perpetual nobody, John Wolf. It's time to call it a season, bub. Wolf meets her in the city but Emily is already telling us she doesn't much care for the guy. They go for a ferry ride and he proceeds to blame his dad, a slut ex girlfriend and the economic recession for his disengaged attitude. Emily takes him to a John Lennon wall to paint bad pictures and lecture him about censored music. They paint a horrid looking boat and then go to some bars where people put stolen bike locks up to represent their love. Naturally, when Wolf tries to fix their own personal bike lock up, he can't get it closed. "Not a good sign," Emily foreshadows. Yeah. At dinner in a dungeon, Wolf gets to play pin the tale on the sleazy ex-girlfriend to explain why he has been indifferent to Emily. She smiles. Since there is no rose on this date, she can't dump him...yet. Date over.

 

Whiny McCrybaby

 

The group date card has arrived and buuuuuuurrrnnn! Chris's name is on it, along with Dug, the absent father, and Sean the Genetic Marvel. Chris does everything but burst into tears and throw himself out the window. Just to twist the knife, Fleiss sends John Wolf in to brag about how well his date with Emily went. Feeling the need to toss us a curveball, Fleiss now sends Genetic Marvel Sean out into the streets of Prague to make a total nuisance of himself to the locals by running through the street yelling, "Emily!" at the top of his lungs. I was waiting for a local to toss a shoe a him like he was a feral Tom cat. While Chris pouts and whines, Sean chases around the city followed by a camera crew until he finally runs up on Emily loitering in a back alley. Emily worries Sean will get into trouble."Oh, no one will know." and maybe they won't. As silly as it sounds, someone got Courtney out of her hotel last season to go have sex on the beach with Ben. Anyway, Sean takes her to a little cafe where she apologizes for the group date and he takes her back into the alley to finally kiss her like he wants her. He even pins her against the wall and starts hip thrusting her. Hey now!

 

Dug the Unbelievably Lame

Emily greets her mini group date in a village square where all the participants hold umbrellas to staunch the rain of tears Bobble Head is about to throw at us. But Chris's tears aside, no one and nothing will look lamer and more ridiculous on this outing than Dug, the absent father who couldn't teach an 8th grader how to pick up women. They all pile into an open carriage and get rained all over. The boys hold umbrellas over Emily so her make up wont get ruined and they go up a hill to a 13th century castle. Dug practically ruptures himself because he gets to goof around an old castle and to celebrate it, he gives the lamest toast of the season. Emily hauls him aside and gives him one last chance to make his pitch. Dug settles in and acts like Emily has cooties. He sits arms crossed and desperately tries not to touch her. Boy, I hope Dug's kid isn't expecting any advice about women. Frankly, Dug comes off as gay. And filled with seething rage, just under the surface. What a catch this guy is. Emily can't take anymore and she walks him out under the castle drawbridge and tries in her awkward, kind way to dump him. Sensing the axe heading towards his neck, Dug lunges in for the most awkward kiss I've seen in watching this entire franchise. Emily gulps, resets, and tosses him out. Dug walks away stunned and shocks me by holding it together...until he gets into the van, where he melts down and bawls like a toddler. Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Oh, Dug, your kid will need therapy after this. You would think with Dug now removed, that Chris might settle down a bit. Uh, no. Emily has gone from a 3-on-1 to the always uncomfortable 2-on-1 and to make matters worse, Chris is now up against the Genetic Marvel who, unbeknownst to him, got to dry hump Emily in an alley the night before. Chris is totally outgunned and acting like an insecure bitch. Emily splits them up by producing two keys to a door so she can slip away individually with them. She hands Sean a huge key while Chris is given a small key with no teeth on it. Surprise! Sean's key opens the door and he takes Emily inside for more intense tonsil hockey. Chris goes next and start pissing and carping about not getting a one-on-one. Emily basically tells him "uh, sorry." Chris pouts and they walk out where she sits them down and roses Sean. Chris tosses a snit, his chick mouth quivering and his bobble head bouncing around all over his shoulders. Date over.

 

The Emergence of One-F-Jef

It's taken 7 weeks but here he comes! Perpetual teenager, One-F-Jef, lands the last one-on-one and starts his kick for the finish. Jef has been, at best, a dark horse to this point, and one I can't explain even in those terms. But he comes out front and center tonight, and I certainly can't begin to explain that. What's between these two completely escapes me. Emily is a 26 year-old single mom genetic marvel and Jef is...er, a perpetual teenager with a bad hairdo and the body of an 8 year-old boy. But here he sits and I must now officially brand him a player. Jef made big moves tonight and there is something undeniably sweet between he and Emily, I'm just not sure what. They go first to a marionette shop and play with puppets. Uh, it actually looked like fun and I can't believe I'm writing that but these two sold it. Must be their chemistry together. They play with two dolls as their avatars and Jef drops an Love-Bomb as the voice of the marionette but then drop the "Like" bomb when he speaks as himself. They go into a library that's painted like the Sistine chapel and put on a puppet show that I should rip to shreds, but it was actually sweet. Then they lay on the library floor and make out a lot. Never saw this coming. Date over

 

Let's Whine to the Finish Line

 

The boys come clattering up to the rose ceremony location in some antique cars and we begin a thirty minute Bobble Head meltdown. In between Chris crying and telling the boys he needs to talk with Emily, Harrison is called out yet again so Emily can tell him her mind is already made up and she needs no extra time. John Wolf decides it time to Overrate himself like Ryan and Chris goes completely to pieces. Harrison lines them up and Emily finally wears royal blue and it's all her.

Already Safe: Sean the Genetic Marvel: Player

 

Roses:

1) One-F-Jef: the race is joined at last. Player

2) Race Car Arie: forgiven or not: Player

 

Harrison staggers in looking like he ran a marathon this week, and counts ONE.

 

Chris, who has been standing there like a whore in church, fidgeting wildly, tapping his foot so violently that I expected his bobble head to tumble off his shoulders and come to a stop in front of Emily, finally breaks in, "Emily I need to talk with you!"

She leads him away where he apologizes for acting like a spoiled brat all episode. Frankly, if there didn't need to be 4 hometown dates to film, this guy was toast.

 

They re-enter, but Harrison is simply too exhausted to reset them, so they just line up.

3) Bobble Head Chris: NOT a player. Orgasms in his pants afterwards anyway. Idiot.

 

Dumped: John Wolf. Manages to exit without cursing and for one of the only times this season, departs without crying or embarrassing himself. Maybe we need more indifferent guys.

 

Next week: hometowns and Chris will finally get dumped anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

The best part of watching this show is to read your recaps afterwards, love your sense of humor, thanks for the laughter

Anonymous said...

"I expected his bobble head to tumble off his shoulders and come to a stop in front of Emily" OMG! too funny :)Thanks for the gigles!
Pat in ID

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thanks for leaving the feedback . Glad you guys found something to enjoy

From Flame to Fire said...

Thanks for the recap! You are so entertaining cap'n!

Anonymous said...

Funniest shit I've read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh.

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