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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Emily: Week 4--Bermuda Schwartz

A Scottish Mormon? A Cub Scout Gone Horribly Wrong? Nope, it's One-F-Jef.

Quite an adventure this week as Emily and her meathead's fly out of Charlotte for the sun and storms on the Caribbean Island of Bermuda. Naturally little Ricki is in tow, as we are constantly reminded, but fortunately they keep it to a minimum. But what stood out this week was not the islands turquoise-blue water or gorgeous white sand beaches; no what stood out was Emily's continuing drive to impress with her toughness, down-to-earth humor, and good old fashioned, southern common sense. But she was joined by a contestant who launched one of the great fashion disasters in the history of this show. One-F-Jef, a guy who seems to want to scream: Look at me! I'm different! I'm off-center! For god's sake, pay attention to me! decided the moment was right to try and match Bermuda shorts with knee-high, baby-blue socks and a suit coat. It's pretty bad when homeless bums who frequent the undersides of bridge overpasses, think you're a fashion disaster. Well at least he stood out. But before he incites me to laugh my balls off, Harrison appears like the Lucky Charms leprechaun that he is and sets the fashion disaster tone with some rolled up sleeves of the most pimp-like purple. He also laid out the date line up. Turns out this week will have two, 1-on-1 dates and one of the dreaded 2-on-1-somebody-needs-to-get-his-ass-lost-date. The meatheads all groan as Harrison drops their first date card and vanishes like water vapor. Arie the Racer grabs the note and reads it to single daddy, Dug!, who's ready to sound like Mr. Perfect…when he's not on the verge of exploding with rage.

Dug's Too-Good-To-Be-True-Canned Answers


Doug spends the first few minutes of his triumph working himself up into a tizzy about how he's gonna' get dumped. Arie, sensing Doug's unease and the fact that this guy has got some roid-rage going on, proceeds to needle the guy until Dug is about ready to wring Arie's neck. As a storm blows in, Dug sits in the suites living room stewing in his juices while the other guys hammer him and he goes off like a Tourette's case. Emily comes strolling in while Dug stands up on the verge of tearing Arie's throat out. Emily stares around in confusion and finally lets Dug walk her out. Arie rags him in a P.I.: "Dug was like the Hulk! Dug angry, Dug smash!" Not bad for a European car racer. Once out and about, Dug holds the temper and proceeds to activate the cheese. The guy spends the entire day feeding Emily loads of his relentless sunshine bit. Let's do a quiz, Reader; Dug is:
           A) Cheesy
           B) Furious!
           C) Dull
If you guessed D) All of the Above, you win. About halfway through the date Emily starts to sense she's being BSed. He tells her he started a charity. "Of course you did!" Oh, Emily, you are making my heart swell with your sarcasm. They wander around shopping until Emily walks him to some tourist trap of dubious credibility called the "Moon Gate", where couples make wishes. They hold hands and march thru and…nothing. It's not nothing to Dug though, "That's awesome!" Yeah, walking under an arch, hot stuff.

Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, a date card arrives and Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer reads, "Lets set sail on the sea of love." and calls out Charlie Knieval, Overrated Ryan, Bobble Head Chris, One-F-Jef, Sean the Genetic Marvel, Race Car Arie, Frohawk Travis, and Kay-Lynn. The leaves four guys behind; two for the 2-on-1 and two for being ignored.

Back at the "date", Dug continues to slather on the BS. He insists his last girlfriend dumped him because he spent too much with his son and his failure to wash her car well enough. Emily's nose wrinkles at all the BS. "He's hiding something from me; aways gives me the perfect answer." She tries to fish him out but he won't budge. Finally, he turns the tables on her well enough to get the rose, but this guy doesn't stand a chance. Rose anyway.

Hamilton Yacht Club


The boys all arrive down at the docks and find out they're going sailing. As usual, the sailing is actually a competition; the boys are broken into two teams: Yellow and Red. The Yellows--Arie the Racer, One-F-Jef, Kay-Lynn, and Overrated Ryan get off to a slow start as the Red--made up almost solely of meatheads--Bobble Head Chris, Charlie Knieval, Genetic Marvel Sean, and Frohawk Travis, seem to think that sailing consists of cranking jibs and lowering sails faster than anyone else and that means you win. Uh, no. Sailing means tacking at the right time and stealing the wind from the other guy. The Yellows do exactly that and scream past the meatheads. A final turn move by the Reds nearly saves the day but the Yellow captain tacks again at exactly the right moment and Yellow wins easily. The losers are packed off and Charlie Knieval is made to look like he's crying? Really? Anyway, the Bachelor staff, including the fat Palooka Stagehand, go on high alert to contain the horny Red losers in the hotel suite so they don't slip away and join Harrison in the Resorts lounge picking up chicks.The Yellows get to follow Emily to the beach lounge where they kick back around the pool with the remnants of some tropical disturbance blowing and Overrated Ryan quickly toasts Emily as a "trophy wife." Arie thinks this shows Ryan's "true colors." If it does, then Ryan's true colors are shitbrown and nothing else. This is just the beginning of a long night of Ryan sounding like Greaseball Wes Hayden, without the talent or charm. Arie grabs Emily and takes her out onto the windy beach so they can make out a bunch. Next up is One-F-Jef, who survived the terrible injury of having his finger boo-booed on the boat. Frankly, I got more concerned when I saw him cranking the jib and mistook his wind-blown hair for an escaped beaver attacking his head, but whatever. Jef sits her down on the beach, and comes across as all genuine. He sells pretty good as the wind makes his hair attack him and bemoans he only gets group dates. Emily kisses his boo-boo for him but that's the only kissing going on. Jef plays hard to get and Emily sure seems to like being the chaser. Weird. Overrated Ryan now hauls her away to flirt with her, drop some moronic sports analogies, and sound completely full of himself. They then head back to the pool where Emily drops the rose on Jef, much to the confusion of Arie…and me. Must be the editing. Fireworks explode. Ryan naturally thinks its all a ruse to keep him from being jealous. Barf.


The Non-Existent Bermuda Love Triangle


Back at the meat locker, the next date card arrives and we hear John Wolf and Pretty Boy Nate get called out to not find love. I'm laughing already. Nate, who has been mute the past three weeks, and John, whose only lines have been bleeped out as he serially cusses himself into oblivion, make two of the least compelling 2-on-1 victims in recent seasons. Emily hauls them to a boat to go sailing in the ocean and film some scenes for the Bermuda Chamber of Commerce. She reads some script to let us know how much she regrets that one guy will get "lost at sea." Nice cheese. Anyway, the boys get dolled up and ride a dinghy out to a boat where Emily awaits. Meanwhile, back at the meat locker, the boys argue about age and maturity…zzzzz. Whatever. Bobble Head Chris gets shirty with Dug because Dug is a pompous, fake ass or whatever. The fight for later staged, we got back to Emily and her two nobodies as they go cliff jumping into the ocean. Emily and her suit fillers hop into the ocean and then she takes them to dinner in some tourist trap cave. The normal awkwardness on these dates abounds, so she splits them up and she takes Pretty Boy Nate aside. Nate actually speaks for the first time but can't even describe his wonderful family without dissolving into a fit of tears. Buzz! Good lord son, crying is only allowed at your wedding, the birth of your child, and at your father's funeral. The guy is still alive and you're seated in a cave next to a totally hot chick…and you're bawling like a baby? You're not allowed to cry on this show unless there's a balcony to collapse over. Nate, there is no such thing as a "Sitting Mesnick". Get out! Whatever drama the date had ends. Emily sits down with John Wolf and he doesn't cry like a vagina so he wins and will continue to fill his suit for the next week or two as Nate's crying ass is led away. Date over.

Cocktail Party: Bobble Head's Waterloo.


The cocktail party consists of Bobble Head Chris getting worked up and arguing with Dug because Dug insinuated he's a youngster or something. Buzz! That's it, Chris loses. I'm serious. When a contestant stops focusing on the Bachelor/ette and is shown focusing on the behavior of another contestant, you can play Taps for them. Shame. I liked Chris, despite his bobbling head and chick mouth. He then worsens the offense by getting time alone with Emily and whining about the other guys too. Bumm-pa-bum! Nice knowing you Chris. Shame we won't be seeing you in the finale. Anyway, Genetic Marvel Sean gets some time alone and Emily flirts shamelessly with his genetic marvelousness. They discuss Ricki and make out while Emily giggles. The guy might be a major player. Mostly though, the party is a chance to showcase Ryan as a self-inflated douchebag. Yeah, we knew that already. But let's be clear: the most entertaining and bizarre thing at the party was One-F-Jef's ludicrous outfit--a suit coat with cargo shorts and blue, knee-high socks? He looked like he wanted to appear at a cocktail party for a Scottish Clan discussing Cub Scouts gone horribly wrong before going on a Safari with Marlin Perkins. Worst outfit in the show's history. Is this guy a player? Why?

Wingman Intercession


Fleiss finally sends the Palooka Stagehand down to the lounge to bring Harrison up kicking and screaming to have a sit-down with Emily. They actually have a good talk and Emily continues to sound sincere and SMART. She pegs Dug as a fake and Ryan as a player. She also confirms she likes Jef and Arie and Harrison plugs away while Emily sounds both cautious and bright. Kudos again, Emily.

Dump 'Em Dannette!


Safe: John Wolf, Dug the Insincere, One-F-Jef.


Roses:

1) Sean the Genetic Marvel--Horny Wendy approves
2) Arie the Racer--another player.
3) Frohawk Travis--Who? Didn't recognize him without his dumb egg
4) Bobble Head Chris--like a shot deer, he'll run but not till the end.
5) Overrated Ryan--What was that for? Oh, yeah; Fleiss, you suck.
6) Kay-Lynn--Mercifully silent this week.

Harrison staggers in, counts one, and staggers out.

7) Alejandro the Mushroom Farmer--winner of the numbers game and another free trip next week.

Dumped: 
Greasy-Haired Michael. Says six times more words in 30 seconds than he has in four weeks. Also cries without a balcony. Buzz! Pussy.
Charlie Knieval: Producers try to make him look like he's crying too, but since he's had a bad head injury, I'll superimpose a balcony beside him and tell Fleiss to kiss my ass.

Previews: Kay-Lynn speaks again and Dug Rats him out for calling like Ricki "baggage" and we get to hear Emily drop the F-Bomb! All in Merry Olde London. See ya then.

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