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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Emily Week 8: The Hometowns




Howdy Mateys, its week 8 of the saga of Emily Maynard and that means its hometown week. But unlike may visits in the past, this one will go unbelievably well. So well it was damn near boring, especially when the result was never in doubt. Things start with Emily dragging back into her hometown first for a Little Ricki reunion before she darts out for a quick trip around the country to meet the parents of her suitors, and it appears that Emily wants Little Ricki to know that after having two weeks to whoop it up in their free house terrorizing her free nanny, that the Boss is back in town. Emily shows up for the reunion wearing a giant skull shirt to put the fear of god into the little girl. No, I have no idea what that was about, but whatever it was it was good because they kept it short. What it actually was was an excuse to stage a roll call of the remaining men so the late comers to the party can see who she has left. Sans Wingman, Emily recounts the guys so we all get a reminder and off we go.

Cannon Fodder Up First

For her first stop, Emily heads to Chicago, Illinois, home of her least favored boyfriend, Bobble Head Chris. Frankly I'm shocked that Chris survived last week, and from the way she looks when she greets him, so is Emily. Bobble Noggin' greets her in the streets of Chicago. In a Private Interview, Emily hams it up to try and disguise the obvious. "At the last rose ceremony, Chris told me he was falling in love with me, which made me feel so guilty great!" Chris spends his time telling us how Polish he is and acting desperate as usual. They crash in a bar, have a beer, and revisit his meltdown from the week before. Emily makes up a load of crap to try and make him feel better about his acting like a punk the week before. Chris lays out his family and confirms he's a total mamas boy. He drives her over to his non-free house to meet the Polish family. Pops offers up a toast and it's obvious Chris wasn't lying about his dad being born in Poland. Once pops is done doing his Lech Walesa impression, we see that Chris' sisters--one blond, one brunette--are both good looking enough to go the Bachelor. Pops, which seems to be the case with the foreign-born daddies we see, shows the old world common sense by being honest, shrewd, and smart. Chris's blond sister, young as she is, shows a load of dad's common sense too by telling Emily to dump her brother "sooner rather than later." For whatever reason, sis isn't buying any of this. Buzz! Sorry, too many brain cells to be on the Bachelor, sis. Pops, who let the word "love" get lost in translation when he was talking with Emily, sits Chris down and tells him that Emily said she was falling in love with him. Uh, no. Emily is the victim here of trying to be too polite with a non-native English speaker and Chris is the victim of being totally delusional. As night falls, she and Chris hang around outside his Polish house and he launches an "L-bomb" on her and she makes out with his little chick mouth for stroking her ego. Naturally, since we're all out of Greeks, Chris hauls her back inside to dance around with the local Poles and do the Polish version of shouting "Opa!" His fate sealed, date over.

Lets Play Hide the Mormons!

Emily's next stop is St. George, Utah, home of eternal hipster, One-F-Jef. Jef greets us at the Holmstead Ranch (those hidden Mormon's are real cards) and tells us Emily means the world to him. He loads her up into a dune buggy and raises hell all over the Holmstead. He then takes her out to an open field to shoot some clay pigeons. Emily plays the Annie Oakley wallflower and acts helpless with the shotgun until Jef activates the skeet and then she blows them apart like a well-armed Robin Hood, and admits she was lying about not knowing how to shoot. Jef reminds Emily that she will be only be meeting siblings and spouses because his parents are in South Carolina doing Mission Work Charity Work! Buzzzzzzz! Ok, what's with this hackneyed audio editing? Are we to assume that the wonderfully clean cut people from Utah we're seeing aren't Mormons? Who cares!? His folks are on Mission Work; so what? Why is Fleiss acting like this is a bad thing? If the folks we're both in the slammer, we'd hear about it. If his parents were two guys named Bob and Otto, we'd hear about it. How condescending and stupid is this? Jef is a Mormon; BFD. You'd think he was a cannibal the way they censored it. Anyway, Emily arrives back at the Holmstead and is greeted by 10 incredibly clean cut people with 15 children from an unknown religious denomination. Jef's big brother Steve, who shows us what Jef would look like with a normal haircut, toasts Emily with lemonade and hauls her aside for a chat. Steve asks some tough questions and Emily seems to do ok. Skeptical sisters come next but everyone seems to make consesnsus about how this might be possible. They finish the questions and Jef takes her to a quiet spot and reads a letter to her. It's both deep and cheesy, which women love. Can the dark horse win this race? Maybe.

The Dutch Invasion

Next up it's Scottsdale, Arizona; home of European expat, Race Car Arie Luyendyk Jr. and his Dutch clan. The meet out at the racetrack and he comes screaming up in his Indy car. Emily gets donned up in racing gear and Arie takes her flying around the track in his race car. Then they go for a picnic in a park where Arie sets up the clash between his European folks and her hillbilly self--especially his snooty Dutch mama. After getting bucked up on wine, they head out. Awaiting them are his parents, twin brothers, and a sister. After a brief prelude, mom pulls out the Dutch speak and the whole family starts groking in their native lingo, leaving Emily squirming uncomfortably. Mom then asks Emily if she wants to have a chat. I was waiting for Emily to reply, "Sure, as long as it's in English." but she doesn't. She just goes along and mom asks questions about why she and Brad hit the rocks. Emily repeats what she told Jef's family: "I didn't ask the right questions." She tries to win mom over so Emily turns the tables and asks about Arie's travel and career. Mom, who looks like she used to be in ABBA, warms up and all looks well. Arie now sits down with dad and says he's ready to propose. Dad just sorta shrugs and says, Yeah, ok. Its all pretty bland and non-specific, but certainly no disaster. As Arie walks her out, he tells us he is going to marry Emily and that's that. We'll see about that. Date over.

Time to See the Source of all That Genetic Perfection

Dallas, Texas, home of Genetic Marvel Sean is the final stop. Sean meets her in a park with his dogs and walks her around and she sells the potential future for the two of them pretty strongly. But Sean slaps that down by showing just how picky and closed off he can be. She drops the usually fatal "perfect" bomb on him about ten times. Yikes. That's usually the kiss the death. Anyway, they arrive at Sean's parents perfect house and Emily machine guns Sean with about another 400 "perfects." Sean now decides the time has come to drop a dark secret about himself: he still lives at home and he's a pig and has a thing about stuffed animals. Turns out, it's a joke. Har har. Dad Jay sits down both his boy and Emily and by the time its over, the parents are gushing. Sean walks her out and he gets a "bye, honey." He then runs down the SUV likes its an opposing tailback and gets one more kiss for the road. Is Sean this guy? Word has come to light that Sean pretty regularly does selfless acts and never seeks publicity for them. He may be wrong for Emily. He may not be ready for a commitment, but the guy is a solid dude, not just a Genetic Marvel. And hey, if it doesn't work out, there's always Emily's friend from Charlotte--Horny Wendy--who'd be happy to take Sean off her hands. Word has it that she's even named her vibrator "Sean". Hey Now! Date over.

LA and The Wingman Emerges

Back in Beverly Hills, Harrison finally emerges from wherever he lurks and meets Emily at a swank hotel for a sit down. Emily, who is sporting an evangelists wife's hairdo tonight, reports that all hometowns were wonderful. All families were normal, nice, and the guys all looked great too. Harrison prods her about what she's going to do and she starts bawling because she has to cut someone after meeting their families. But she'll manage anyway.

Roses:
Harrison greets the boys and cheeses them half to death. Emily comes in and mumbles a preamble.

1) Race Car Arie--Pushing for the finale. If they get married, mom can even sing Dancing Queen at the wedding.
2) One-F-Jef--the unknown Mormon. The dark horse has really put the spurs to it late.

Harrison interstitial. Quickly counts one and then heads to the bank to cash another ridiculously huge paycheck.

3) Genetic Marvel Sean--never a doubt.

Dumped: Bobble Head Chris--Never had a chance. They sit on a bench out in front of the hotel and he demands an explanation and then gets pissed. Once in the limo, they drive him all over LA so he can mope and the producers can pick on him until he gets really pissed off and shouts that he's ten times the man the other guys are.

Next Week--Curacao. See ya then.



2 comments:

Anonymous said...

"evangelist's wife"..."member of ABBA"...omg. You are killing me! That is so spot on!!

Pat's pithy page said...

Another solid performance from the pirate...argh!