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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Emily Week 10--The Men Put Me To Sleep



Folks, this is what we get when we have a relatively drama-free season and the douchebag quota is low--The Men Tell All falls from its lofty perch of cheap entertainment and becomes a cheap sleep aid instead. Was there ever any doubt we were going to get both barrels of Overrated Ryan and Kay-Lynn? Nope. And was anyone surprised that most of the show was a highlight reel for the guys who've been chosen to be on Bachelor Pad 3? Nah. Been a rough day here on the pirate ship, so let's keep this as short as One-F-Jef.

Color By Numbers
Harrison, once he finishes smarming the captive studio audience of well-trained seals, shows a clip of him interviewing Emily. They reveal little of interest or anything we don't already know--Ryan is in love with himself; Dug is frightened of women; Kay-Lynn is frightened of going back to anonymity; and Bobble Head Chris is wound so tight he might just burst like a cheap watch spring. Big deal.

The Lukewarm Seat

Naturally this starred the season's two largest douches, Kay-Lynn and Overrated Ryan. But once I saw the clips of Bachelor Pad 3--which appears to be going from merely sleazy to execrable--I realized that the biggest star of the night was Bobble Head Chris. He spent what seemed like an hour in the lukewarm seat seething with a violent temper and whining about love, while the Bachelor Pad highlights showed us that his search for love now consists of bagging as many women as possible. The only surprise was that Ryan apparently passed on the Bachelor Pad offer that was certainly extended to him. But he's such a weirdo, god only knows what that's about. To try and inject some redeeming nature to the show before Emily comes out, Genetic Marvel Sean joins the Wingman so he can actually show us what a decent dude looks like. The women in the audience nearly herniated themselves cheering for him but I noticed Harrison never asked the magic, "Would you be the Bachelor?" question. Probably a pretty strong hint that Roberto is already signed, sealed, and delivered.

Emily Comes Out

She was there to replay the Kay-Lynn argument over Ricki as baggage and she savages him once again. The audience gasps and cheers as she schools his rude ass again. Hardly matters; he got what he wanted--more face time. One gets the impression that Kalon would allow himself to be crucified on national television for attention. Actually it's quite a shame they didn't do that. Anyway, Sean and Emily talk and she never answers his question about why she dumped him. Sean, shrugging, seems cool with it now and keeps it as classy as usual. He thanks her for breaking his heart and showing him what divorce would feel like or something like that.

Bloopers
This was funny? Potted palms and tents they're eating under tipping over? C'mon, Harrison--work on it!

Bachelor Pad 3


Wow. Just wow. Jillian Harris' cheatin' former fiance, Drop Dead Ed is after Pig Snout Jacklyn? Lindzi the Misspelled and Kay-Lynn? What would Harry Cox think? Somewhere in a dumpster, a rat just puked.

What we didn't see
A lot. An entire pantload as a matter of fact. No highlights of the Final Rose Ceremony; no Neil Lane--nada. What that means? Simple. The Wingman spent every other sentence setting up the finales move to Sunday followed by a one hour After the Final Rose--Live! That's one way to keep the ending quiet.

Ok folks. Next up--Curacao again. See ya then.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Love the screen shots with snark captions! Thanks for bringing that back. And...somewhere in a dumpster a rat just puked? That was stellar.