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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, October 9, 2007

The Bachelor--10/8--The Lamest Show on Earth!

ABC is really pissing me off and probably did the women who came on this edition of the "Bachelor" as well. Just about every date is on some chartered boat, rented helicopter, or some cheese ball location I wouldn't haul a blind date to. This week it's the circus. Now I sort of like circuses--or at least I did when I was a kid. But it isn't a place that exactly screams "Romance" is it? But I suppose its the cheapest place you can take 5 or 6 women and still afford popcorn. Polygamists and the "Bachelor" have got to save where they can.

I suppose bargain-basement dating allows them to afford to pay The Weak Wingman his outrageous salary for doing virtually nothing. Which at the moment is exactly what he's doing...telling the girls in the house that this week there will be two group dates, (with an immunity rose at each one) and one, one-on-one date with a "rose or go home" at the end....I consider it practically nothing when you're telling a small group of people the same damn thing you've been saying for five years before you head back to wherever it is you hole up. But the women squeal with delight as always.

Group date 1--Circus date: Sarah, Lindsey, McFarten, DeAnna, Steffi.

The harem heads to the circus and before they can even get inside the big top, Sarah gets to stop and feed an elephant. Now, maybe I've watched too many of those 'Animals gone wild' shows they have on FOX but elephants scare the crap out of me anymore. Sarah is lucky, however, and all the elephant does is sneeze on her or something. It looked revolting to me but she seemed to think it was cool. Yecch.

Once inside, the cameras moved to Jenni, who seemed to be really enjoying herself. She did some gymnastics with Brad and some clowns in attendance and no one can argue the girls not athletic. Brad said, "She's the one girl I still get a little nervous around." That's sweet. Maybe. We'll see. Turns out that the Perky One is here to lay the wood to our boy though. She tells him that she is really into her career as a cheerleader and if he picks her she needs to wait for a year before "really jumping in." I have the feeling this wasn't exactly what Brad was dying to hear but I have to hand it to Jenni, I thought the girl was a little dim but she handled him with wife-like finesse. She mixed in just enough gooey shit and sexy smiles to keep him baffled as to the fact that she was actually bossing him around. Bravo, Maestro! This kids got a future.

Brad moves fast and finally has a real conversation with Steffy who talks about how much she respects her dad. Can't go wrong with that approach and Brad looks suitably impressed. Then he leads the women backstage and they await some kind of reveal before the circus crowd. You'd think this was going to be lame, wouldn't you? These people at the circus could probably give a shit about Brad or this show. They came to watch elephants and clowns I'm sure but here comes Brad and the harem anyway. Oh-My-God! The clown just introduced Brad as "The Sexiest Bachelor Ever!" Oh, the humanity. How many innocent childhoods were just ruined with that utterance? Why didn't the clown just pour it on and say, "He's hung like a mule too, folks!" A new low has been reached. Even for this show.

While the ladies watch the circus, Brad makes his next move and hauls McFarten away for some quiet, alone time. I'm expecting some standard 'Connection' cheese when Brad suddenly fires one across her bow, "Am I getting a friend vibe?" Whoa. McFarten nearly swallows her tongue. "Oh, no, no. No friend vibe here! I'm feeling a lot more than that!" Give the girl credit, she's not dumb. She could hear the beating of the wings of impending doom in that little question. In honor of a decent IQ, if not a personality, I'll actually call her McCarten for the rest of this report. Not that it sounds any less dumb. And then finally in a moment that practically defines anti-climax, Steffi is given the rose. Praising dad is never a bad thing.

While Brad has been charming group 1, the date box has arrived and Hillary has been chosen for the one-on-one date. She cleans up very nicely I must say and Brad arrives with a wooden box filled with a big, expensive necklace. Naturally, Brad presents the jewels right in front of the other girls so they can all die with envy. DeAnna, who is looking less like Rebecca of Sunny Brooke Farm this episode, observes that watching him bejewel another gal with a million bucks of swag sucks.

Brad takes a fabulous looking Hillary to a restaurant for a private dinner. Then...well, Hilary cried. And cried. And cried. And cried. For no reason whatsoever! I swear, before the food had even arrived she started bawling! I nearly laughed my ass off thanking almighty god that I wasn't Brad Womack at that moment, washboard abs and million dollars not withstanding. You could actually see Hilary's glue melting. Brad looked as confused as I was but instead of falling on the floor laughing, he looked scared to death. The second he got up off the couch to fetch the rose I got enough air into my lungs to shout, "Pity Rose!" But looking back in hindsight, I'm sure it was just Brad's kind nature winning out. (Even we pirates aren't completely without compassion. Just ask Mrs. Barbarossa. Or don't.) Maybe he was afraid that she would have a coronary if he dumped her or maybe the producers told him that if he ditched her, they would make them fly all the way back to Malibu together...with no booze and cameras rolling. Either way, she got the flower.

When he gave her the rose she finally stopped crying so he took her to an ice cream parlor where they made sundaes together. In a private interview she dropped the "L" word. That's right! One date alone and she is falling "In Love!" Somebody needs a restraining order and a bodyguard and that somebody's name is Womack! Run, Brad, run.

Group date 2: Another damn boat--Solisa of the blessed boobies, Bettina, Sheena, and Kristy.

This years group, boat trip involves all the famous "Bachelor" staples: Jet skis, dancing, and booze! Brad takes the remaining girls out on the water and finally, I say finally! talks with Kristy.I was beginning to think the girl was a mute. I thought she spoke on night one but I couldn't be certain. I do, however, remember being attracted to her. I'm assuming Brad was as well since she's still around but even Kristy admits she hasn't opened up and tries to warm up a little.

Then the second invisible woman of the show, Sheena, also makes an appearance--and does so with a bang! I've been watching this silly show for about five years and I know they call an ambulance every time someone sprains their shoelace and in all that hype Sheena does the first truly dangerous thing I've seen (besides the constant danger of alcohol poisoning). Trying to prove how competitive she is, Sheena joins Brad on his and her jet skis and proceeds to cut across his path at about 80 miles an hour. It was so damn dangerous that the Marine Patrol actually came over and beached her. I'm serious! Brad went back out with Bettina while they made her stay on the yacht. How reckless, (or drunk!) do you have to be to get grounded off a jet ski in the middle of the ocean by boat cops?! Wow! Anyway, back on board, Solisa decides she's been quiet long enough and gives Brad a lap dance. (Man, am I going to miss this chick and her morals.) The guy is so embarrassed he looks like he'd prefer another round on the jet skis with Sheena just to get away from her.

While Brad manages to escape from Solisa, Bettina pulls the pin on that divorce grenade she's been carrying around and drops it in his lap. His response? "What, what did you say?!" The guys jaw almost hit the deck. Ouch. He looked less than thrilled but its hard to tell how much of that was shock. Unfortunately the edit veers away so we can't really assess his reactions. Back out on the deck, Kristy, who started to try harder is rewarded with an immunity rose.

Now its time for the stunt we've all been waiting for since it was announced that Brad had a twin brother. Its fool the bimbos time. (You cannot convince me that every set of twins, male or female, doesn't try this stunt at least once.) Chad, Brad's not so identical twin shows up. Now, these guys are about as hard to tell apart as Penn and Teller but they go for it anyway and (shockingly, considering the IQ's involved) they do manage to fool some of the women. The producers keep most of the women spread out and isolated as Chad makes his moves and Brad watches from the backseat of a limo on a monitor. Golden Goddess Lindsey is the first to drink the kool-aid and flunk the test. Brad's face falls--she's toast. Sarah is up next and she goes down in flames too. To salve Brad's shredded ego (I felt for the guy) we see several girls actually catch on. By the time Chad approaches Kristy, Brad is practically begging, "C'mon Kristy!?" Chad doesn't get within five feet of her before she is saying, "You're not Brad!" Ditto Sheena, Bettina, Dee Dee, and Steffy. Strangely enough, it's McFart..., sorry, McCarten who tries to stay quiet out of politeness and nearly gets herself pole-axed. What's even more strange (and suspicious) is that the parts where the other women were tested wasn't shown. Who knows how that went.

Rose Ceremony: Steffy, Hillary the crybaby, and Kristy the former mute have roses and are safe.
Getting roses: Sheena Knievel, McCarten, Jade, Dee Dee, and waiting till last to inject false suspense, Bettina. Divorced but way too smoking hot to get the thumb already.

Once again the departure speeches are subdued. Sarah seems puzzled while Solisa says some weird stuff that made zero sense (a refreshing change). Lindsey supplied the only tears and they appeared to be of the getting-dumped-on-national-tv variety instead of the heartbroken kind.

This week has muddied the picture for your favorite pirate. Jenni, Dee Dee, and Bettina remain my f3 but the shine is off the apple in each of their cases--at least a little. Jenni needing a year was honest but Brad seems in a bit of a hurry. Bettina's divorce may turn out to be a tempest in a teapot but there is no way of knowing at this point. DeAnna is the wildcard, IMO. She was shown in a more negative light this week and seems to have joined a clique with McCarten against Jade and Hillary. Previews from next week show a DeAnna/Jade showdown on a 2 on 1 date and Jenni goes for as helicopter ride.

The events back at Casa Kitty reveal that in five years of watching this show this is the cattiest sack of women I have seen. I'm not sure this bodes well for anyone who wants to see a love story.

See ya next week!

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