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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Bachelor recap--10/15--Bargain Basement Bachelor!

Since ABC decided to debut some dorky Christina Applegate show before the Bachelor the shows time is cut to one hour this week and I'm expecting it to fly by at light speed and I'm not disappointed either. The wingman shows up at the ladies house talking so fast he sounds like Mickey Mouse on helium: Three dates, a one-on-one, a two-on-one, and a group date. How will they fit all of that action into one hour? Simple. Show 40 minutes of catty backbiting and crying while showing us five minutes of dating, thats how. Besides, these dates are so cheap no one would want to see more than a couple of minutes of each. It must be cheaper to film bitchiness and tears.

Jenni is picked for the one-on-one date and lightning quick, a helicopter is heard circling over the house. Jenni, followed by the eight remaining members of the harem, greet Brad after he lands. He emerges from the chopper and Jenni jumps into his arms. Say what you will, but these two are extremely affectionate in front of the other girls. I keep expecting Jenni to get five meat cleavers flying at her back but the other girls settle for forcing painful smiles on their faces and looking daggers at her. Brad and Jenni take off and through the whole flight she reaches over between his legs like she's honkin' his bobo as the chopper flies over the city of Malibu. Personally I don't know what the big deal is. Helicopters are pretty cool but they've been around since the early fifties. Its not like they got a ride in a flying saucer or something but Brad and Jenni act like they took a ride in an f-16 anyway.

They land on some fairly tall and completely nondescript roof. Wow. This date, minus the chopper fee, looks like it set Producer Mike Fleiss back around 20 bucks. And the chopper might have been a product placement gimme. Anyway, Jenni and Brad eat while sitting on two of the most uncomfortable looking seats I have ever seen before they withdraw to a couch and do some goo-goo eying and lots of kissing. They do look very serious about each other...eh, time will tell. However, the rose is never in doubt and Jenni collects it with an eager squeal and a squeak from her baby-voice.

Meanwhile, back at Casa Kitty, Hillary gets the crying started by mewling and whining that Brad is a hottie and she is worried he's gonna bone Jenni or something like that. She slumps into the arms of Jade, The Queen of Darkness, and bawls. Soon the next date box arrives and Jade informs several girls that Brad is taking them to a comedy club. Jade reads off the names and conspicuously absent are her name and DeAnna's. This means the two-on-one rose or go home date will be between them.The two gals, who reportedly hate each other, take a moment to smirk pleasantly in a way that clearly says, "Drop Dead!" This should be good.

Kristy the former mute, Steffy, McFarten, Hillary the crybaby, Bettina the divorcee, and Sheena Knievel are all invited to a comedy club by Mr. Wonderful his own damn self...and if you thought the Jenni date was cheap you ain't seen nothin' yet. Turns out the girls will be the show themselves and perform improv while Brad sits as a one man audience banging a cowbell. Huh? For the first time since the show started Brad actually looked like a dumb hick, but I guess that's only fair considering some numbnuts producer put the comedy club employees up to making the girls grovel for a rose. I would have taken the rose and rammed it thorns first up the nearest producer's ass. That must be why they don't let male pirates on this show. Argh.

Hillary actually appears to be a natural ham and seems to have a good time showing off. Bettina, clearly out of her element, grabs a party hat and uses it like a megaphone to shout, "I love you, Brad!" and then backs those words up in private. Stalker alert. It looks like Bettina was tired of Hillary getting all the "Crazy" on the show and has decided to show off some obsessive tendencies of her own. I thought this broad had been married before. What the hell was that about?! The glint behind her eyes just became a bit more insane. Three dates and she is in love? Dumb ol' me, when she said she fell in love on a jet ski last week I thought she was kidding.

But it's Kristy the former mute who has the hardest time at the improv. "I don't like being put on the spot." I've figured out Kristy's problem and why she was kept mute for the first few shows. Truth is, they would have never let Kristy speak at all except Brad kept picking her. Kristy is too nice and as Brad will later say, "She's too refined for me." Kristy seems poised, intelligent, and normal. The girl was obviously miscast.Yep, you're entirely too classy for this bimbos parade, Kris. The wings of doom are beating over her head. Brad finally doles out the rose and his new stalker, Bettina is the winner.

Now the moment we have all been waiting for: Jade versus DeAnna! The Steel Magnolia and The Queen of Darkness! The girls do nothing to lower our expectations either. Jade predicts that Brad will see how "wretched" DeAnna is and she will get the rose. DeAnna however, smirks that she isn't going to let Jade dominate their date. Their arrival on the date is greeted by scoffs of disgust by me. This date appears to have cost a buck fifty...max! It looks like the same rooftop Brad took Jenni, sans the helicopter! They have a bag lunch while I wring my hands in mouth-watering anticipation of the coming confrontation.

Dinner starts and through some ham-fisted editing, the girls are made to look like they are interrupting each other, (They weren't.). Then DeAnna settles in answering Brad's questions and talking about her hopes and dreams. DeAnna is so confident, poised, and intelligent it sounds like she's interviewing for a job with the World Bank. Jade settles for a small interjection here or there but mostly clams up as DeAnna expounds like a Nobel Laureate gone country. By the time the third course has arrived, Jade has slumped down in her seat into the fetal position and is whimpering. With Brad present, the claws can't come out and this has become a match of presentation and intellect...and if there had been a referee at the table he would have stopped the fight! DeAnna has absolutely pulverized her! She did everything but pick Jade up and chuck her off the roof of the building. Brad stares open-mouthed at her, lustful drool pooling in his lap. This, my friends, is what happens when two, tough, bitchy chicks go after one another...and one of them is spotting the other thirty I.Q. points. Jade's been in the house with Dee Dee for three weeks, didn't she see this coming? This was a massacre! It wasn't the Bachelor...it was a Clockwork Orange.

Jade gets some special quality time with Brad and you can see him practically shoving her away. He then compounds the massacre by going and getting the rose and, in a rare callous moment, tells Jade just how damn much he digs DeAnna. Jade, now bleeding from every orifice in her body, is hastily led away by Brad who makes no real pretense about his eagerness to get back to DeAnna. Dee Dee, for her part, manages to spare Jade a parting smirk that seems to scream, "Next!" I think of Jenni as I type this and my hands begin to tremble. I'm sure professional cheerleaders are a catty lot but I am praying she has more sand in her tank than that baby voice and that damn portfolio. I'm honestly afraid DeAnna may cannibalize her when they have to go one-on-one.

Brad leads Jade down the stairs, performs the Atomic Mega-Dump, throws her in a car and races back upstairs where he tackles Dee Dee into a hottub and they make out big time. Jade cries and bawls as the limo pulls away lamenting, "Dee Dee seemed to have an answer for everything." No kidding, did she really? Her answer at the moment appears to be playing tonsil hockey with your ex-boyfriend. See ya, Jade.

Interlude:

Back at Casa Kitty, Bettina drops all pretenses and put her insanity on display for all to see. Hillary, Jenni, and her have a talk about marriage and whether or not they would say "yes" to a Brad proposal. Hillary and Jenni quickly agree that they would say yes. Bettina steps in and tells them they know dick about marriage and then confesses she's been married. Wait a minute. Bettina's already told us she's in love with Brad. She thinks the other girls are crazy to accept an engagement when she's in love with Brad? This makes no sense. It looks like Bettina has decided to just let her psychosis out for a walk so they whole world can see it. It's about to get more bizarre.

Rose Ceremony:

Brad prances into the litter box to find his dullest kitten, Kristy sitting around acting normal as usual. Kristy sheds a few tears and Brad soothes her. Sheena Knievel is next and for some strange reason she starts crying. Why? I have no idea. Brad didn't appear to either. I think its doubtful Sheena even knew why. I guess she was just following the sub theme of the night. Then several of his more feral kittens trap him and grill him about who he kissed first. Brad fesses up that it's Jenni. Oh boy. Bettina has already declared her insanity to the world and proof of her declaration comes out at once. She calls Jenni "A slut! A slut and a liar!" Yikes, for kissing and not informing her jealous worship about it at once? The harlot.

And thats not all. Someone needs to speak with these gals about rose decorum. Bettina is wielding hers like a rapier. Jenni has sniffed hers under so many girls' noses that she's practically making love to the damn thing. I wish the Wingman would come into the room dressed like a football ref and throw a flag--"15 yards for illegal use of the rose" or something. McFarten asks Dee Dee, "I wonder who's going home tonight?" Dee Dee squeals, "Not Meeee!" and practically shoves the bloom up McFarten's right nostril. C'mon, Wingman! Show her the red card or something.

The feral cats now confront Jenni for her unpardonable sin of actually kissing Brad. DeAnna watches coolly and says little. She lets Bettina do the crazy routine and just sits sharpening her knife. Jenni dances away as visual daggers pierce her back.

The Wingman, instead of calling fouls, emerges from wherever he lurks and taps his glass. Brad wanders off and then right back. He gives the girls some verbal Velveeta, "An honor, hardest decision, blah blah..." then dispenses with some rose justice. McFarten and Steffy get the boot. I confess Steffi surprised me. When you get the boot while two women who appear to be in need of psychotropic drugs get to stay, I think you've been shafted. McFarten seems to have all the sexual allure of a bag of wet cement and she's been declared a bitch by almost everyone in the house. I expect her to act indifferent to her dismissal but she starts bawling about how she could see Brad as, "The father of her children or her husband." (Remember in America where they used to be the same person?) Steffy pulls a cutie when she holds up her finger, announces, "That's going to make me cry!" turns around and refuses to face the camera. Good for you, Steff.

Next week: Hurricane Hillary dumps three inches of 'eye-rain' on Malibu, complete with hyperventilation. Makes you wonder if the producers are crushing out lit cigarettes on these girls thighs, doesn't it? All of the final six have cried on camera. We're heading for a wondrous finale. Argh.

See ya next week!
















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