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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Monday, October 1, 2007

Barbarossa breaks down The Bachelor for 10/1

Yeah, yeah, I know. The "Bachelor?" Fish in a barrel , right? Well I don't feel too bad about it to tell the truth. Nothing wrong with hammering the shit out of something that has it coming after all. Besides, old redbeard here is one of what could only be five or so guys in the whole U.S. who actually watches this show.

But something truly disturbing may be at work with the current incarnation of the "Bachelor", currently in it's eleventh season. That something is that after a nearly non stop parade of douche bags the "Bachelor" may have finally screwed up and picked a decent guy. We'll have to wait and see how this plays out but considering that every other guy who has been on this show has just used it as a televised excuse to see how many skeezy chicks he can try and bag, this may destroy the genre. On the other hand, perhaps the new bachelor will turn out to be a dirt bag like the rest of them. We can hope. Now, on with this weeks travesty....

Host Chris Harrison, "The Weak Wingman" as he will be known from now on, mysteriously appears at the girls new pad like some leprechaun from an enchanted forest and lets the ladies know the scoop for the week: 2 group dates, one at Del Mar Racetrack and one at a beach house in Malibu. And then slinks back to whatever cave he hides out in when not busting up cocktail parties or performing single digit mathematics. I'd hate to see this guy actually do something useful...like help the Bachelor out or anything.

1st Date: Del Mar Racetrack. Women: Erin, McCarten, Kristy, Mallory, Hillary, Jade, and Deanna

Brad greets his harem and hands out a fistful of dough saying that you can tell a lot about a person by how they gamble. Staying par for the course with the surreal editing of this program however, we never get to see what kind of gambler Brad really likes. Its hinted that Deanna wins her bet but the race they are supposedly watching could have been from 1980 for all I know. But then things go from slightly surreal to downright odd. Into the private box walks San Diego Chargers linebacker Shaun Phillips. Huh? I'm a fair weather fan of the NFL but even I haven't got a clue who Shaun Phillips is and even less of a clue as to what he is doing on this show. Does Brad know this guy? Apparently not but after a few minutes of small talk with Brad's harem, Shaun steps out with Brad and the latter immediately starts asking for advice on the ladies. Odd just gave way to Twilight Zone. Bachelor Brad is now taking babe advice from a professional athlete he doesn't know. (Just for the record, Shaun liked Deanna whose name has magically morphed into the cuddly moniker of "Dee Dee". The girl is gonna be a contenda, mark my words.)

While Brad is busy digesting his main man Shaun's dating advice his cell phone rings. Just before commercial a quick cutaway to the girls mansion let's us know that Michele (she of the bestial hair highlights) has managed to perform a header down the stairs. (You can insert your own joke about her being shoved by your least favorite bachelorette at this point). Perhaps producer Mike Fleiss might want to consider not renting mansions with two story's if he's going to stock the place with five crumbs of food and thirty cases of booze. Nah! Anyway, Brad does a piss poor job of acting surprised and the women do an even worse job of acting concerned. It goes from, "Oh, my god!! Is she all right!?" to "One less to worry about," in about ten seconds. Brutal is our McCarten whom earns the nickname "McFarten" from me for that lovely sentiment.

With the fake drama (and concern) now over, McFarten snags Brad away to get some alone time. Brad, who seems creeped out by her, is stumbling over some innocuous phrase when McFarten assaults him with her lips! It's an unprovoked attack. Christ woman! At least let the guy finish his sentence. Personally, I've seen smoother moves displayed on elementary school playgrounds than this. Brad does everything but scream, "Icky!" This has to go down as one of the most embarrassing moments in the shows illustrious history. Brad even admits privately how bad it was. (When's the last time you heard a guy say that about sucking face with a gal?)

A quick cut away from the scene of the attack and we join Brad talking with Deanna. She shares that she was in a relationship that lasted five years and it ended when he cheated on her. Brad praises her on her commitment. If you are noticing some compare and contrast editing going on, dear reader, you're not alone. Deanna is clearly being sold as the normal adult in this pack. Brad, who clearly digs her, hops up at once and goes and gets the date rose. The other girls have to sit and watch as he takes the prize right in front of them and walks out. Watching him with daggers in her eyes is the woman who is obviously serving in the role of "Superbitch" this season, Jade. Headhunting cannibals would fear Jade. Even McFarten sits silently in her presence. God, I love this show.


Date 2: Beach Orgy. Women: Bettina, Jenni, Steffi, Sheena, Sara, Solisa, Lindsey.

The second group, who've been forced to wait in frustration while group 1 hogged Brad at the racetrack prepare for their moment by dressing in Bikini's and posing for group photos looking hot. Solisa, who must be a producers dream, coos about how happy she is to be going to the beach where she can wear a bikini. I wonder why Solisa is happy about this? Okay, I'll give away the secret. Its because she has HUGE BOOBS! It's customary at this time for any reviewer of the "Bachelor" to slam a well endowed contestant with the 'ol "Oh-My-God, they're so fake!" line. Well, they're two problems with that: one, I'm a guy and could give a shit if they're fake and two, I don't think they are. But they do look capable of taking over the world anyway.

Brad pulls up to the women's pad in some Frankie and Annette 'Beach Blanket Bingo' car and proceeds to check on Michele, who won't be going on the date but despite being carted off in an ambulance appears to have done nothing more serious than spraining her highlights. Brad shows some concern for her but the air between them is tepid at best and besides, he's got some dating to do. The beach date begins, (now don't be shocked!) when Brad starts pouring the booze. The beach house is pimped as something special and maybe it is. It's Malibu I guess but despite the pedigree it just looks like a small beach house to me.

But size only matters if you're Solisa and the booze begins to flow immediately. Steffi and the rest of the ladies are pissed that Brad has remained covered in a shirt for nearly five minutes and she proceeds to undress him on the deck. Brad may be a vet of the bar business but the guy looks like he's gonna die with discomfort. (Wingman should slip in with even more booze to help his man out but they would involve actual work and I'm sure its not in his contract.) The gang heads out into the surf as fun and frolic are had by all. Brad then manages to corral Jenni , who looks so much like Katie Couric I think 'Perky' every time I see her. He's in a room with her somewhere and they kiss. The perky one seems to enjoy herself and lets us know it too.

But Brad is a busy man on the move and he heads outside where he nabs Sarah. Who? I'm sorry but I don't really remember this girl at all but Brad seems to. He remembers her so well, as a matter of fact, that he gives her the 'Special Immunity Rose' for this date. The other girls grow claws immediately. Lindsey, who is so blond and tanned it hurts my eyes, immediately brands Sarah, "A fake," because she seems "too happy". Considering the high crimes and misdemeanors of the world, being too happy isn't gonna make my top ten list of pet peeves most days and its all pure jealousy anyway. Besides, unlike the Katie Couric look alike, Sarah doesn't irritate the shit out of me with her laugh. I actually kinda like her but I think she's probably too young to win this. The perky one is justifiably confused by Brad giving Sarah the rose after making out with her. C'mon, Brad, keep it up. I haven't given up on you yet!

Undeterred by the loss of the immunity rose, the other women continue the attack. Now all well lubed with vitamin xxx, Steffi leads the assault force by licking salt out of Brad's belly and Solisa is at last free to show off her cannon shells. She gets Brad to do a "Body Shot" off her starting with a salt lick from her cavernous cleavage. He appears to be sufficiently well-oiled himself to lose his inhibitions and dives in. Can't you just imagine Bradley having to explain this one to a future Mrs, "Uh, honey, it was all the producers fault!" Yeah. Right.

Bettina, whom I'm having trouble getting a bead on, is sickened by Solisa's display. Bettina is a dark horse character in this. There is a fine line between being edited to hide and edited to invisible because you're not important enough to show. I suspect Bettina is the former but I can't be sure. Solisa chooses this moment to up the weirdness meter by declaring herself a "Christian...morals and values mean a lot to me." and then topping it off as soon as the sun goes down by heading into that Bachelor staple, the hot tub. Brad, in what seems a rare scripted moment, asks the women whats the craziest thing they've ever done and before you can blink Solisa is up and running to the ocean with her top removed. Even Brad seemed a little taken aback by this display and I'm left to ponder how I must have read the wrong bible when I was a kid and must have missed the part where Mary let men do "Body shots" on her and ran into the Dead Sea with her fun bags flopping in the wind. Maybe I'll get religion after all.

Meanwhile back at Casa Kitty, Hillary, who has been getting steadily bitchier this episode, and the Queen of Darkness--Jade, both somehow manage to divine that Jenni has a modeling portfolio hidden away in her bag and (shockingly!) know right where to find it. Nice of the producers to help out with this one. They quickly surmise that Jenni is a fame ho who is here for the 'wrong reasons' and spread the word on her. Imagine that. A woman went on the Bachelor to further her career. Will wonders never cease? Frankly, I don't see what the big deal is. She brought a photo book with her. BFD.

Rose Ceremony time. Brad starts off with Michelle and the poor girl seems to be trying to stuff two weeks of talk into ten minutes. She reminds him she's the oldest just as she informs him that she needs to pay off her college loans. Wow, that'll hook him. Every man yearns for an older woman who's knee deep in debt. Yum. Then its off to see Bettina, who we have just found out is harboring a little secret: she's divorced. Now, last time I checked, the stigma about divorce vanished in about 1968 but you see the Bachelor is part Mardi Gras on Bourbon Street and part Victorian England; just a bit schizophrenic. Bettina becomes tongue-tied when she tries to break the news to Brad and chickens out saying, "I didn't feel secure enough at the ceremony tonight." So instead she hits him with some cheese about "wanting to be here right now," and escapes. You can hardly blame her considering the lifespan of divorces on this show is about the same as a mayfly hatch over a crowded trout stream. Brad then moves over to 'Take your pants off' Mallory. He asks her about her perfect day and she proceeds to envision their life together as a dominatrix/slave relationship with Brad serving her breakfast and doing all the work. Easy, Mal, you're turning him on especially when you act repulsed at the thought of a job.

The wingman then appears to call a halt to the festivities. Just once, I wish Harrison would break up the cocktail party like one of my Irish relatives--drunk as a skunk with a chair raised over his head. I mean, if you're going to break up the party, break it up already! But Harrison just stands there tapping his glass with a spoon like some fruity matre'd and whisks the Bachelor away.

Brad return after a commercial and dispenses some rose justice. Erin, Mallory of the vanishing pants fame, and Michelle of the bestial highlights fame are all axed. For the second week running the goodbye interviews are fairly subdued. Only Michelle manages some meaningful tears but no meltdowns as of yet which means Brad must be holding onto the truly crazy ones for later.

Girls who got roses:
1) The Perky One--he digs her even if I don't. She's got a chance
2) Sarah--He gave her a rose but I ain't feeling it.
3) Dee Dee--Heavyweight...count on it.
4) Kristy--Oh, hello, I forgot you were still on the show. Must be something we haven't seen.
5) Jade--Ugh!
6) Sheena--Who are you again?
7) Bettina--Careful on holding out on the divorce girl. Still a player though.
8) Steffi--Spicy...eh, I don't know.
9) McFarten--Gag me with a steam shovel.
10) Solisa--Our mother of the blessed boobies.
11) Hillary--Previews make her look like in high school she was voted "Most likely to breakdown and become unglued at the drop of a hat." This should be fun.
12) Lindsey--Filler...like oat bran.

Brad--Still think the man is crimping my style by being honest, decent and acting like a real human being. When some gal does something asinine he actually laughs at them. What kind of a bachelor is this? Come on, dude! Get all plastic why don't you.

My early f3--Jenni, Dee Dee, Bettina. Next week--fun at the circus--don't miss it!

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