1/26--Generally Hospitalized

Can you get chapped lips from making out? If you can, Jason Mesnick needs to sign on as a spokesman for Chapstick. I don't care if he was 'acting' for much of the night; the guy locked more lip than Pepe Le Pew. I never saw Bob Guiney's season of the Bachelor but I don't see how that disgusting little turd could have kissed more women than our dearly loved single father. He would have had to start by tackling the wingman before the first woman ever got out of a limo to have a chance to stay even. Not that I blame the guy. Kiss 'em all for all I care. But many female swooners who would have sworn two months ago that Jason was a virgin, despite being divorced and having a kid, better get it through their skulls that this guy is a horndog just like the rest of us. It's been New Years Eve at midnight since the second week and this guy shows no sign of slowing down. True, he was helped on his way to the record by visiting the set of a real Soap Opera and having to 'act' with the women, but if I were Harrison I'd be hiding when I saw the guy coming. No lips are safe with Le Bandito on the prowl. Rumors are abounding around the net that Jason's fiance is having a problem with watching all the intimacy between him and the other girls too. If that's true, this night did nothing to settle her stomach, I can tell you that.

The episode opens with news from the wingman that this week there will be a 1 on 1 date, a group date, and the dreaded 2 on 1, where someone gets dumped right in front of their competitor. But first, he tells the girls they must "earn" the 1 on 1 date by composing and singing a love song for Jason.

An American Idol Moment

Damn! I hated this little spectacle when they debuted it last year on DeAnna's Bachelorette. And I do mean, Hated It! The contestants are all given thirty minutes to compose and perform a love song for Jason and El Dweebo himself will be the judge. Last season, DeAnna was the judge and she picked Jesse, the Stoned Snowboarder as her 'winner', despite the fact that I have seen better lyrics written on public bathroom stalls and heard better singing from 450 lbs. mental ward escapees on American Idol. Jason's stated criterion for winning was explained as "Who has the most fun and just goes with it!" Yeah, right. (Sighs) Why not just pick the one the producers tell you to pick before it starts and be done with it already? Elton John can't write a decent song in 30 minutes. To expect non-writers and performers to produce anything less than embarrassment is just nuts. If they need to be humiliated, Fleiss, just have them disrobe and parade around naked. At least the males and lesbians in the audience can enjoy that. And since when is how well someone can take humiliation some harbinger on how they'd do as a spouse? If that's the kind of marriage you're planning, be sure to have a good divorce lawyer on retainer.

But noooooo, it's singing time.

Molly the Bland opens the auditory and lyrical assault by trying to be funny with her tune and I do mean trying to be funny. She sings about fast-food or some weird shit and Jason laughs like she's funnier than Dave Chapelle. Snort! (Just give her the damn rose, you idiot!) Shannon the Stalker does some rap that's not any worse than real rap; which means it sucked! Melissa the Cheerleader also tries to be funny...I think. I hope she wasn't trying to be good. Mission Unaccomplished if that was the object. Megan, the Pirate Wench at least had the sense to realize just how bad she was gonna' sound and talks her way through it and spares my ears, but Stephanie the Catwoman has "fun with it" at the audiences expense and succeeds in both laying an Ostrich egg and shattering all the glass in the mansion. Augghhh!

Lauren the Dominatrix (formerly Lauren the Hesitant) brags like all hell and then manages to mime a real singer but has to steal the melody from Cyndi Lauper's True Colors to do it. But at least my ears don't bleed. The real drama is produced when Nikki the Pageant Queen goes into a nuclear meltdown at the thought of bearing her feelings in a song and "looking silly!" Relax, babe, you can't look any sillier than everyone else. This one is a real mystery. Don't they have talent competitions at pageants anymore? Evidently not. Maybe with the new PC-era of thought Nikki normally puts on a chess demonstration when she competes for Miss Rutabaga Queen or whatever. Finally she splits the difference and agrees to perform but sings a lullaby to the baby she doesn't have instead of a love song to the boyfriend she's not gonna' have either. Beautiful stuff. Song contest over...Thank God! Molly the Bland's fast-food anthem wins. Anything to make them stop.

Tenting Tonight

Jason hauls Molly the Bland to his own rented Malibu digs for a normal date, not the usual Bachelor fairytale crap. They eat burgers dressed in ratty cutoffs just like a real couple too. They also talk, just like a real couple, and they wax a bit more seriously than the usual date fare. Jason obviously sees a lot more in Molly than I do and while she confesses to feelings, she does it in a sane way and doesn't bother lying to us that she is "in love". It's a pretty cool date and the kind I'd like to see more of, frankly--no bullshit plane rides or fairy princess castles, no hammocks or hot tubs, and no one was drunk. As they talk, Le Bandito moves in for his first score of the night, Cha-Ching!, and then he hands her the flower and hauls her into a tent set up in his backyard for a sleepover. Producer/dickhead Fleiss even delivers dubbed sounds of quiet talk and slurping to make us believe they did the nasty too. Maybe they did, who knows? Just after dawn Jason drives her home with the rose and in a set of his clothes too. Shannon the Stalker, who patrolled the house waiting on Molly most of the night, and the other, saner girls who went to bed, greet Molly in the AM to find her dressed in Jason's clothes and complaining of not much sleep. The other girls all scatter uncomfortably while Shannon narrows her eyes at Molly and goes to polish her sniper rifle.

The group-date card arrives at the Harem Tent and missing from the list are Stephanie the Catwoman and Nikki, the Pageant Queen. They get the dreaded 2 on 1 get a rose or go home date. Nikki starts bawling at once while Stephanie gets excited.

Soap Opera for Real and the Attack of Le Bandito

Jason takes his group gaggle to the set of General Hospital for some acting, jealousy, and pure audience entertainment. These kind of dates are fun to watch but they do nothing to show us much of anything. Since they dressed up in costume and mastered the art of the Soap Opera Kiss (no tongues, if you please.) it didn't show us squat about Jason or his interest in any of the women. It just means that every feminist who's ever complained about this show is 100% correct: It does set women back a hundred years...just like real Soap Operas do. I'm sure Jason didn't mind however. Very few guys ever get to make out with six women in one hour unless they're a Sultan or something...or Charlie Sheen, of course.

Anyway, Jason herds them onto the set and they stage a couple of scenes so he can set the record. A 'kissing coach' (now there's a job) asks for volunteers and to the surprise of no one Shannon the Stalker leaps forward and finally gets to kiss Jason. He does his best not to cringe and off we go. The first staged scene is with Naomi the Spicy, who's dressed in some naughty maid outfit. Lauren the Dominatrix is supposed to enter the scene as the jealous wife but fumbles her lines and misses her cues so much I start to think she wants to watch the two of them make out. It takes twelve or so takes of Naomi and Jason necking before Lauren can do it right and by that time I know why they filmed Jason sitting on the couch. By kiss three I'd bet the guy was pitching a tent. Then they film Jillian the Canuck, wearing a dumb blond wig, getting a marriage proposal from Le Bandito and it was so quick I don't even remember whether he rang her up on the tote board or not. It is one of the few times we'll see Jillian all night though. (I have no idea what that means.) Then it's off to a different set where Megan, the Pirate Wench, dressed exactly how I picture her at home, awaits him in her 'vamp' outfit. Megan and Jason have yet to kiss so I suppose she's out after her money's worth because she practically eats his face off. The other girls all accuse her of 'not acting' and Megan smirks at them with her best F*ck you, bitches look and says she did mean it. Must be nice to have you first kiss not only be in front of an audience but admittedly forced to boot. Damn, I'd hate to see the consolation prizes Fleiss offers the losers on this show. The only revealing thing abut the entire experience is the incessant drumbeat of comments and private interviews from Melissa the Cheerleader, who got no kiss, about just how jealous all of this makes her. It's a not very subtle move and Melissa begins to move front and center in our thoughts. She confesses to being surprised at how much it bothered her but maintains her ability to be self-deprecating and genuinely funny without resorting to cattiness. Talk about a good edit.

This leads us to an after-shoot wrap party that's about as fun as tap dancing in a minefield but nowhere near as exciting. The woman we get to see are all nervous, stressed, and pissy. All except Megan, the Pirate Wench, who's exultant after receiving a forced, faked kiss. She is for a little while anyway. When she gets Jason alone its clear she'd like the real thing but Le Bandito has had all he wants from her and she knows it. Having more luck is Naomi the Spicy, who already has a bad case of Jason-halitosis before she separates herself from the group and pouts. This draws Jason like a elephant to a bag of peanuts and she vamps and boo-hoos about being 'scared'. Heheh, good for you, dear. Jason reassures her and locks her up yet again while constant voiceovers and private interviews from Melissa the Cheerleader let us know how jealous she is. She finally gets a moment alone with Le Bandito and goes into a meltdown. Then, he does it. Despite getting ready to stiff her on the rose, Jason cradles her, holds hands, and looks deeply into her eyes like he's done with no one else. Leaks or no, this couldn't have been anymore obvious: the boy is a goner. Fleiss showed this a little too early, and his orders to Jason to give the flower to Naomi not withstanding, it can't hide the glaringly obvious. The Queen Wench herself, Mrs. Barbarossa, who knows nothing about internet leaks, practically leaped up off the sofa, "Did you see that!?" Yes, dear, I did...and so did everyone else. Game over. Regardless, Naomi the tent-pitcher gets the rose from Fleiss...er, Jason.

The Waltz of the Living Dead

Time for Stephanie the Catwoman's chance to prove she's a professional dance coach and for Nikki, the Pageant Queen's Waterloo. Earlier, we saw Nikki couldn't sing or write music, now we find out she can't dance either. Just what the hell do they do at beauty pageants these days? Anyway, ball gowns arrive for both women and they go dress. Nikki looks like Catherine of Cordoba and Stephanie, well, Stephanie looks like an escapee from a wax museum...as usual. Anyway, Jason picks them up in a stolen Rolls Royce and takes them to some remote, candle-lit location for a dancing date that is amongst the most uncomfortable I have ever seen. Both women get dance lessons from a hot dance coach (Stephanie needlessly) and we get to watch Nikki fumble through the steps and she and Stephanie taking turns cutting in on one another. Nikki shows her amazing lack of belief in herself and her abilities to do anything, and I mean anything, without six months of rehearsals. Stephanie responds with her southern belle classiness and handles everything like a pro.(which she is) Jason finally calls a halt to the torture and sits them down for a meal. It's here that one of the major weaknesses for true romantic success on this show rears its head. Stephanie had barely said 'hello' to Jason before she informed him of being widowed and a mom and she's already had a 1 on 1 date. Nikki, more reticent to begin with, has not had a 1 on 1 with Jason, and sensing her end is near, has to start talking to him about her failed, 11 year relationship with Stephanie ten feet away. They either need to pick fewer girls or extend the shooting schedule to give them all a 1 on 1 if they ever want this show to work.

Jason seems concerned about the news that Nikki had an 11 year relationship and downright alarmed at how she acts when she finally talks about it and you can hardly blame him. It's obvious to anyone watching that Nikki was crushed when the guy dumped her suddenly. She barely holds her tears when speaking of so emotional a moment and it's clear this girl is barely ready to date, let alone get married. But I'm not about to let Jason off so easily on this one for what's he's about to do. Stick with me and I'll explain. Jason hands Stephanie the flower and walks Nikki to the limo. Nikki, who could sense it coming before they even left the Harem Tent, takes it with her formidable pageant-babe classiness as she departs. It's when Jason returns to Stephanie that I fail to understand what he was thinking. Now I know Jason and I are very different men with entirely different tastes, but that notwithstanding, when he goes to finish his waltz with Stephanie and they finally have a mutual kiss, I scowled a mile wide and wanted to hit him upside the head. The kiss looked like two siblings pecking each other (and not the West Virginia kind either). Jesus, Jason! She's a widow with a four year-old at home? I can see you respect her, but come on? This choice was idiotic from every imaginable angle. Let her go home to her kid and memories, you idiot! Was carrying Nikki and her trainload of baggage another week such a problem? Stephanie was set up from the get go to be the most vulnerable woman on the show. I don't think Jason was being deliberately mean here but this was a serious lapse of judgment and he, of all people, should have known better. Rant over. Ahem. To resume. Nikki reserves her meltdown for the limo ride and you can see Jason has little to do with any of this. We see her fall into her old pattern of self flagellation and even my hard-hearted Wench Queen sheds a few tears for her, despite Stephanie being her favorite. The only time since the gutting dismissal of Bevin Powers, I might add, so if any of you are about to blast me for taking Jason to task, you can save it. There are rules, even among thieves, pirates, and skirt chasers and Jason crossed a line on this one. This is a man's take and if you don't want to hear it, don't read it.


Crocktail Party


It's time to say something about Lauren the Dominatrix. Bleh! There, I think that should cover it. Moving on. Melissa the Cheerleader, who has magically morphed into the cuddly-sounding "Mel" gets some time with Le Bandito and she talks about how 'real' it's all become. Jason studies her finger for ring sizes and kisses her senseless before he moves onto Shannon the Stalker, who practically begs, and I mean BEGS, not to be let go. Jason swallows awkwardly and pretty much rejects her kiss attempts. The shocking part is that Shannon gets it. When we see her after the dumpjob she looks as sane as we'll ever see her. Amazing! (drink) He then corners Jillian the Canuck (who we've barely seen this episode) and displaying more manners than sense, offers her his coat while they sit out back. Relax, Jason, you're in Malibu and she's Canadian. She could skinny-dip at the North Pole without your coat. Anyway, they have a talk and Jillian displays some of that well-known Canadian sanity they are justly famous for and he commends her for being a rock in his sea of insanity. He rings her up before the wingman arrives to put a halt to the festivities.



Rose Ceremony Time:

The wingman, continuing to behave strangely, lines the women up and starts pimping for Jason. Has someone hit the host on the head? Jason comes out, drops a few thousand 'amazing' bombs and hands out some flowers. Already safe: Naomi the Spicy, Stephanie the Catwoman, Molly the Bland, and 'Mel' the Cheerleader. (Heh, sorry.)

1) Melissa the Cheerleader (whistling innocently)

2) Jillian the Canuck--Rah, rah, hockey fans!

Enter wingman with an ice bag on his noggin. "Ladies, Jason--this is the last rose of the evening and I need a Midol. Whenever you're ready."

Jason then hesitates and stammers like he just made up his mind (rolls eyes)--you're right, Jason, you are the "world's worst actor" and refuses to hand out the last rose.

Dumped:

1) Shannon the Stalker--Thank you

2) Lauren the Dominatrix--Yee haw!

3) Megan, the Pirate Wench--Sniff


The send offs are a bit of a shock though, with Megan, (obviously deeply inside the Bachelor Bubble for another five minutes) crying the most and Shannon, not crying at all. Shannon is actually threatening to destroy her 'crazy girl' edit until she lands this stunning roundhouse on our chins:

"I'm going to go home, brush my teeth, and French Kiss my dog!"

Jesus Christ! Does Fleiss troll insane asylums for these girls? Somebody call the ASPCA! The poor defenseless animal.

Next week: Jason takes the final 5 to Seattle. See ya then.