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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

2/24--The Women Tell Nothing

Oh, man. Damn, my head hurts! I feel like I've been poisoned with vicodin and whiskey. Staying awake through that snorefest was all I could manage. And the kid-glove editing? What, no hot seat for Jason? No pin-him-to-the-ground toughies from the ladies or the wingman? That would have been tolerable--if they didn't do it every single year to every single Bachelor(ette) and now Jason gets a free pass and it's on to sunflowers and birds frolicking in a spring meadow? Crap! It looked like Operation: Protect Jason is already in full swing. Speaking of our Bachelor, didn't Curious George look about as animated as a piece of plastic last night? In between softball questions the wingman was pitching him Jason looked damn near surly. Here's what I saw as I blasted through this:

Things that stood out:

1. Natalie the Barbiedoll looked like a total ass. The wingman, sensing a dumb victim, egged her on and Natalie, looking as vapid and clueless as ever, jumped at every piece of bait he tossed. What a moron.

2. The Candidacy of Jillian the Canuck: I like Jillian--liked her all season. But I have never heard the wingman asking any reject about whether or not they'd like to come back and do the show again. Just odd. Maybe the wingman always asked that question and with a ridiculous two hour hole to fill they finally showed it. Just strange though.

3) We got to meet Molly: Nice. We got to see more of Molly (the Bland) Mallaney last night than at anytime during the whole season. Thanks for the intro. Huh?

4) The outtakes were really lame-o! The season's outtakes can sometimes be funny and are usually revealing. Not this time. The outtakes were ridiculous and even the sight of Jason nearly getting trampled by an irate horse couldn't save the proceedings either.

5) Booooorring! Even fast-forwarding through this mess at lightspeed didn't keep it tolerable. Nothing of any real interest was revealed except...

6) Fred, Da Bears! and Noelle the Normal. Two of my favorite all-time contestants met at last year's M.T.A. and hooked up. They not only hooked up they both looked pretty damn serious about it too. Wouldn't that just be irony in it's most delicious form if two 'rejects' like Fred and Noelle headed down the aisle while 'hotties' and 'real catches' like DeYawna and Andy Baldwin spend their spare time on match.com and hanging out at single's clubs getting bombed all alone on sloe gin fizzes? Call it Fleiss-irony.


7) Charlie and Sarah: The reunited couple were trundled out for the first time as proof that every now and again some people from this show actually shack-up or whatever. Charlie got to admit he was a drunk on national TV (not exactly Alcoholic's Anonymous, is it?) and Sarah got to admit she's turned on by men in Garfield costumes. Charlie defended himself against the drinking charge by saying, "I haven't had a drink in two years." Since when is this a problem on the Bachelor? Anyway, the wingman pressed about "just where is this heading?"
Charlie had an answer too: "We're working on a relationship. There might be an engagement." Translation: It's heading nowhere and where's our check?"

8) Trista and Ryan's yearly visit: Bachelorette Queen, Trista Sutter and her practically mute hubby, Ryan, made their yearly visit and we got to see that she and her husband have been playing 'hide the fire hose' again to good effect. Trista was pregnant...very pregnant. She also opined on this season: "Based on what I've seen, he picks Melissa, I believe." The Queen hath spoken.

9) Byron and Mary are personas non-gratis: Yeah, yeah, I know. Mary has been hitting the sauce (and Byron) too much to have them on. I thought it sucked though. They are a real couple, which is what this show was supposed to be all about. So Mary gets drunk and goes on an occasional rampage? Her and Byron are still together aren't they? Byron competed in a Bassmaster tourney this last weekend and Mary was there, just like always. Would have been a nice touch to welcome them back anyway. I guess Fleiss was too fraidy cat that the wingman would start pressing Byron for a wedding date again and Mary would knock his block off this time. Frankly, I respect the Velvick's. They've stuck it out and had to do it with their dirty laundry flapping in the wind for the world to see. Mary needs to follow Charlie's example of sobriety but it can't be easy to have your every misstep reported by CNN. Next year, I'd like them back.

9) Chelsea posed naked for Playboy: Woo Hoo!

Ok, enough of this stupid recap no one cares about. It's time to look at what we're all still watching this crapsack for. The battle lines have now clearly been drawn. Two warring camps have formed and as of this writing (2/24) the two sides are diametrically opposed. There is no way one side is not DEAD WRONG!

Camp Matrimony versus Camp Reality Steve

Leakers to both camps are insisting that they have the 'real inside scoop'. It's taken ten days or so but there is no more gray areas left. One side insists that Jason and Melissa are still together and a wedding is in the works. That's a good thing too. When this is over next week there won't be any, "Well, I was sorta right about blah, blah, blah." One side will be right and other completely wrong.

Camp Matrimony: Insiders and even a woman purporting to be Jason's mother are posting on various chatrooms and boards that Reality Steve has been Fleissed. They say that a disgruntled former contestant or someone close to the show with an axe to grind has been feeding Reality Steve false info and he's going to look like a world class dupe. These folks insist that Jason and Melissa are still together and the second ATFR is actually an engagement party. Bully! My heart is with you guys 100%! My head? Eh...not so much.


My problems with Camp Matrimony:

1) Did we hear the word 'engagement' last night? I admit I fast-forwarded through that bore-a-thon like a meth freak drinking Red Bull but I never heard the word 'engagement'. I'm sure someone will correct me in the comments if I'm wrong but I never heard any such word or suggestion. The wingman's questioning of Jason was as bland and generic as can be imagined. Jason stated in his very first round of media interviews he was engaged. In previous seasons (think Baldwin) the coming engagement was hyped to the rooftops. Last night? Nada. Not even a question on the topic.

2) What's 'freakish' about an engagement party? The official hype-machine (i.e. Fleiss) has said the last hour of the finale is 'freakish' and 'Chayefsky-esque'. Is there something about a happily engaged couple that should remind me of "Network"? Does the thought of an engagement party make you want to run to your window and scream: "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna' take it anymore!" Sorry, not buying.

3) "An ending so shocking, so dramatic that out of respect for the participants involved, we've filmed this in the most intimate way possible?" Party hats and joy buzzers anyone? This sounds more like an invitation to a wake than an engagement party. Sorry, "Happy Ending" does not add up to me.

Ok, Reality Steve has leveled his charges and we shall see. Next Monday, if, I say "IF" Jason dumps Melissa on ATFR and starts up with Molly, then I will believe every single word Reality Steve has said with no reservations. If he's right about all of this then there is no reason to doubt his sources, their motives, or their story. If I'm wrong, well, it won't be the first time. But I can guarantee you this. I will come right here on the Blast and perform a complete mea culpa and it will be with joy and excitement. Team Matrimony, I challenge you to do the same. If you are wrong, it's time to fess up. Your leak guru got Fleissed, and you need to admit it. No hedging or rationalizing. If my source, R.S., is wrong, you won't get any out of me.


P.S. Medianet just released some FRC pics and someone has been playing with their Photoshop program. Melissa is pictured in the caps with a bright yellow dress. Either the original pics or these newest ones have been tampered with...ARGH! The plot thickens.

5 comments:

HPFanatic said...

Love it!! Great blog! Can't wait to see what happens next week on the Set of Doom!

AbbyRose said...

Excellent recap!! Your recaps have been the highlight on a VERY boring season.

The two camps of Team Matrimony and Team RS is an excellent way to divide them up. I would say that Team Matrimony has good sources (possibly imposers too) up to the ATFR 1 show, and Team RS has great sources through the ATFR 1 show. That is the difference of where people want the story to end.

Team RS (including that this was plotted out and scripted from day one) is what I believe. I was not even shocked when I heard about it, rather it explained the season to me.

Arrrr!

Anonymous said...

Captain,

Perfect recap of the show and situation...
It's going to get interesting...

Thanks, Sue

Chancelucky said...

I loved the Garfield line. It was fascinating to see Charlie/Sarah and Noelle/Fred because they looked like real couples. I know Trista and Ryan are a real couple, but they somehow don't look like it probably because Trista's so good at TV. I just have trouble imagining Jason and Molly as a real couple, but who knows what they're really like?

Anonymous said...

Looking forward to the gutting.....