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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Cue: "Falling in Love," Take 1--Roll 'Em!

Well, it's been one whole month of the girls being locked inside their gilded cage, cut off from friends, family, MySpaces's and Ipods. In the Bachelor-universe that means that two dates, most of them with other women present, (and a camera, sound crew, and production staff present on ALL of them), is more than enough time for these damsels of the Stockholm Syndrome to find themselves falling "in love" with Jason Mesnick and ready to share a short engagement with him. This week it's Jason's turn to be on the move to head across continent to meet the families of the women he's not gonna marry. It's going to be an eclectic week of travel too, covering nearly all parts of North America except the northeast and southeastern parts of the United States. His first trip is his most "exotic" too, since he traveled to a foreign country. Ok, ok, I admit Canada isn't really a foreign country but they do have round bacon so I guess that makes them exotic. Unless it doesn't. I've often wondered when we're all going to stop kidding ourselves and tell the Canadians they're "in" and let them know they're our newest and most frozenly-gigantic state. It's not like they'd put up a fight. Three troops of Boy Scouts could take the place. But I guess it also begs the bigger question: "Why the hell would we want to?" Which is why, I suppose, we haven't already. Besides, I get too damn much of their tin money in change down at the convenience store anyway. (Note to Canadians: If you want be taken seriously as a country, stop making your money out of recycled beer cans.) I'll ignore the fact that these days that's about what American money is worth. On second thought though, they sicced William Shatner on us in 1966 and obviously refuse to take him back, don't they? An affront like that deserves some kind of violent response, doesn't it? Nevermind.



British Columbia, Canada--A Cool Evening

Jason, our blandest Bachelor EVER!, makes his way northward and lo and behold he managed to land on one of the only thirty-odd days of the year that the place isn't frozen up like a brick. It's raining instead. Bully. Lucky for him (and us) he's got a hot babe with a cool family to see. Jillian the Canuck meets Jason in a cold, freezing rain and she hops on him hoping to share some warmth I guess. The she breaks into a story about a Canadian Loch Ness Monster named Oingo Boingo or something. That's original. Come on, Canada, try a little harder--knock off money and now knockoff monsters? Come up with one of your own. How about the "Abominable Hockey Goalie" or something? Anyway, their first stop is a winery, where Jill pulls out the big guns of seriousness and tells him her mom went through a long spell of depression that involved suicide attempts. Whoa. Hey, who injected all the reality into my reality show? Nevertheless, the tough, spunky gal breaks down and boo-hoo's and Jason gets a chance to use his B.A. in psychology. (And there are those that told him he couldn't do anything with that degree.) He gives her some warm, dweeby cheese and she melts. Cha-ching! Le Bandito strikes early.

Then it's off to Jillian's folks' house for some pretty fun times. The family all seem pretty cool and also act like they're no stranger to beer either. Jill's mom, Peggy, makes a toast to her daughter that I don't remember a single word of except one: Dove. Judging from the previews, I'd say that's the word of the night. But amidst the goofy fun Jason has a serious talk with Jill's mom about her mental illness and even cracks some jokes on herself. Cool. Mom's got a sense of humor. Dad also cracks a few in between draping Jason with a Canadian flag and later breaks down bawling when talking about his daughter. I made a promise I wasn't going to make any cracks about the Canadian accent this week and turns out, I don't have to. Jillian takes care of that herself: "They all kidded me because I say PRO-cess instead of 'process.' Ha. Ha. How dare they? Most hometown visits are total disasters but this one goes as smooth as cream cheese...but then Jill drops a few broad hints about her Gran arriving and I start to sweat. Oldsters usually mean it's time for some rudeness disguised as "Cuteness", but Jillian's Gran displays some coolness instead. She's nice, warm, friendly and funny too. She says she already told Jillian to get on the stick about marriage or she is gonna' marry her off to some smelly Ukrainian or something. Pretty formidable combo: Jill's hot, older, and obviously sane, and if you married the family and not the gal, Jason should have proposed. If he's expecting the rest of the visits to go this smoothly, he's got another thing coming. Actually if the rest of the visits had even started to look this smooth, Fleiss would have set fire to someone's house. Turns out, that won't be necessary.


Grand Rapids, Michigan--Bland meets the bland
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Molly the Bland awaits Jason the Bland-Bandito on that scene of suburban, high-end earners paradise: a golf course at a Country Club. Jason comes wandering up in dress casual but Molly soon has him shifted into a Golfer's Uniform of khakis and collared shirt. They talk about her family and she dropped this sophomoric bomb a few times: "I can't love any man my parent's don't love too!" (Rolls eyes) Yeah, men often love their mothers-in-laws to death. Hey, Molly, why do you think there's jokes about it? Because families of married daughters almost always hate the guy she hitches her wagon to, that's why. And why shouldn't they? What guy would want to hang out with a gal when the parent's take him into another room for a serious talk and warn him he's too good for their little girl? That would mean you're a maniac dad is dying to get off his hands. Any guy hearing that speech would run the other way like his balls were on fire. Parent's and sons-in-laws are supposed to hate each other--they're like dogs and cats or something. What old man worth his snot doesn't resent the hell out of the guy who stole his little girl from him...unless you really are a maniac he can't wait to get rid of? (Besides, no matter how big a dork your dad is, he knows what we're doing to you. Relax). She also drops this depth charge: "My last relationship...my parents wouldn't let me bring him into the house." Yikes! Was the guy a meth dealer or something? Did he beat you, Molly? We never get to hear although I'm sure she expounded on this tale or Jason would have never left the putting green, but Fleiss decides we don't need anymore info about that. (Thanks Asshole).

Molly then takes Jason over to meet her folks and they are...well, they're, strange. Upright Republican Country Clubbers mixed with...hell, I'm not sure. One minute Molly's dad was sitting there like a fat chunk of granite and the next he had a hat on that looked like a mug of brewski. (I was expecting a glass of chardonnay at least.) Tough vibe to read. I think it was Molly's mom who threw me. She was a nut. And a bossy, controlling nut too. Jason, being a doormat, let's her order him around like he's a showdog. First he dons a Indian Chief headdress and then she's ordering him to paint a picture of Molly. Jason, who draws about as well as I do, which is to say: Bad! , immediately gets to work and produces a watercolor of Molly that would have ended any engagement if there'd been one. She looks like Heath Ledger in his last, greatest role. He also insists he drew straight hair on the Molly-pic because every picture he draws looks like a dude. (Let's hope it's a complete lack of art talent and not something Freudian in that statement.) Dad then hauls Molly off and shows some serious Stepford-Dad. He wants Molly's word that when she gets dumped that she won't bawl. Wow. Thanks, dad. He doesn't care if she gets gutted on National TV, he just wants to make sure he doesn't get embarrassed by her kiss off. Don't go making a fool of your dad on National TV, dear, that's your mother's job! Cool, dad's a douche bag. (Told you these people were weirdos.) Date over. Time for serious weirdness. Or not.


California--Thank you, Mr. President!

Due to the speechifying of our new president and a balky DVR, I missed nearly all of Naomi the Spicy's date. And they say there's no god. Hah! I don't like Obama but boy do I owe him one. My pre-recorder kicked off while he was making like a big windbag and when it caught back in, Naomi was walking Jason to the car and slobbering all over him. The last thing I saw was the hula-hoop madness but previews (and the stupid recap filler) showed that if Jason was considering having children with Naomi (which he wasn't) he should be aware that madness is often hereditary. Forget about Jillian's mom's depression, some true California madness was at work here, but lucky me, I missed it! I want to be fair though. After all, I ragged on the Canadians pretty hard earlier and hell, I liked them. Ok, here goes and I'll try and be as fair as possible and not put on a show on American Nationalism. Ok, well: Naomi's mom is well and truly f*cked up! There. Was she? I have no idea but the previews made her look that way, and well, to be honest, I'd rather get drunk with Canadian hicks than stoned with California odd-balls anyway. (Not to mention Michigan douche bags and their callow daughter). Scores even now. Time for Texas Buddies.


Dallas, Texas--A Very 'Friendly' Visit.

Melissa the Ridiculously-Cute-Cheerleader awaits Jason beside some pond somewhere in Dallas, Texas and when Le Bandito emerges she attacks him with such zest I think they're gonna' drop down on the grass and do the nasty right there. Chemistry? Check. She's wearing her standard issue black top and super short-shorts too. Ah, what a view. Anyway, they sit on a blankie and sip some grape juice and Melissa tells him her parents are no shows and he'll have to settle for meeting her best friends. This whole thing puzzled me and could go a twenty zillion different ways. Are her parents nutjobs or too classy to take part in this national embarrassment? Later she says they are so private they never even came to a Cowboy game when she was cheering? Now we're getting odd. Her friends show up and confirm that they've never really met the mysterious Rycroft's either. Ok, is Melissa's real name Melissa Munster or something? Does she have an Uncle Herman and an Aunt Lilly? Jason swallows unhappily but goes with her to some friends for a cook out. Melissa's friends are all cool and they tell a tale of a gal who was pretty much abused and treated like shit by her former boyfriends. Huh? A Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader who allows herself to be doormatted? What's missing here? I'll tell you this much though, being a guy, I picked up on something most females probably missed after dinner. Melissa's married guy friend (Joe?) takes Jason down for some billiards and despite El Dweebos recent experiments in A-Rod's medicine cabinet the guy towers over Jason and you can feel he will be only too happy to kick Jason's ass if he mistreats Melissa. He hovered over and near Jason to make sure Le Bandito got the message. Gotta' like that in a friend even if Melissa is related to Uncle Fester. Dallas date over.

Wingman Grows Stronger

Defying convention, Wingman Harrison, seeming determined to lose his "Weak" moniker from me, crashes Jason's house-BOOT (sorry Jillian) again and starts guarding Jason's six again. A rambling talk reveals nothing in particular and it's time for the Rose Ceremony that even casual viewers can guess the outcome of.

Jason comes stumbling out from where the wingman had him stashed, starts dropping 'amazing' bombs like a B-52, and then hands out some flowers.

1) Molly the Bland--Meh.

2) Jillian the Canuck--Damn straight!

3) Melissa the cheerleader--Damn straight...I think.


Spoiler Alert!

Do I have a spoiler? No. Well, maybe yeah. I've been doing my best to ignore my fellow blogger Reality Steve but I don't think it can be avoided anymore. Steve's became as big as the show to people in fandom. You see, the sleuthers that I used to be one of, have had this season tagged and bagged from the get go. Even though I don't sleuth anymore I do look at their work and to this point in the season, it's not been just good, but flawless. They have the girls exits matched out to a "T" at this point and the screencaps they study all forecast the same ending: f3--Jillian, f2--Molly, f1--Melissa. (If you didn't want to be spoiled, don't read that last sentence). But 'spoiled' may have taken on a new meaning this year. Steve is hinting that something big is up. He hasn't said that the f1 is wrong but he's predicting a mighty shocker at the end. I have no idea what he's got up his sleeve but I do know this: Steve is a heavyweight. He's blogged about this crap for years. I have no idea what he has but expect something pretty good. I make it a point never to read him (or Chancelucky or Lincee) or any of my fellow bloggers until mine is finished so I don't accidentally 'lift' their wit. So, I'm heading to Steve to see what the new clue is, just keep in mind, we might all be wrong. Makes it fun, doesn't it?

Next week: New Zealand. See ya then!

2 comments:

Chancelucky said...

Still thinking about your missing Naomi's home visit. I hereby file a formal request for you to go the ABC site, watch the Naomi visit and add an appendix to this week's blog.

Otherwise, funny stuff as always.

AbbyRose said...

"This week it's Jason's turn to be on the move to head across continent to meet the families of the women he's not gonna marry." Bwhahaha! Quote of the show!!

Melissa Munster ~ now that is dang funny!!

You are on a roll ~ per usual, my pirate friend.

I wanted to miss Naomi's hometown date. Something about an animal that dies drives me away from watching. I truly wonder what the producers do to the families to make them this looney? We know how the bach'ettes are spliced and dices, so something just seems odd about how her family acted. Odd.

Yes, RS is the man. Cannot wait to read his blog once the show is over.