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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Saturday, February 28, 2009

3/3--Some Dastardly Evening


The Lord of the Douche Bags!


Take a bow, you asshole.



Well, wasn't that special? Melissa Rycroft, meet THE BUS! BUS, meet Melissa. BOOM!

Well, well, well. Turns out Reality Steve couldn't have been more right, could he? In golf parlance, you refer to that one as 'center-cut'. On every substantial point of this season's 'shocking ending', Reality Steve turned out to be 100% correct. Steve's sources and the man himself turn out to be totally vindicated and you know what that means, my friends. It means that the sources that came forward to feed Reality Steve this story way back in late January had it pegged to the wall--including the part that says this emotional evisceration of Melissa was a planned ambush designed to pimp ratings and reduce Ms. Rycroft to a quivering mass of jelly. All while Producer/Asshole Supreme, Mike Fleiss and his wingman/stooge, Chris Harrison sat in the control truck beating their meats like the emotional sadists they are. And Jason Mesnick? Well let's just say you could put this guy's balls and sense of decency in the same thimble--which is undoubtedly where that bug-eyed tramp he ended up with keeps them.


Recap: No one gives a shit.

But Barbarossa, how can you say it was all staged?

Because I have a higher I.Q. than your average refrigerator magnet, that's why. Let's look at the facts, shall we?

  • Reality Steve got his scoop in late January. Sources came forward and told Steve what happened at FRC # 1. Why? Steve says this had never happened before. Was if for the money? The Fame? The Notoriety? No on all counts. Steve is a salesman, he doesn't have any money and wouldn't pay for info if he did. Fame, notoriety? Puhhllleeze. Leaking information of this nature opens the leaker up to punitive legal action. The only way Steve could protect his sources was to guard their anonymity. So why did they (I use the plural) come forward? Because they were sickened to their core about what had happened.That's why they leaked it to begin with. No other reason is credible. Would Jason changing his mind sicken them? Shock them maybe, perhaps even surprise them. But sicken them? Hardly.
  • Almost simultaneously to the leaks Steve got, someone leaked the ending (including the scripting) to a reporter at Access Hollywood. Did they get paid? Hardly. The woman spiked the story as to not spoil the fans. They aren't going to pay for what they're not gonna' use. Both Steve and the reporter "quadruple checked" the sources and found them completely accurate. Later on the tabloids would get a hold of this and do the same damn thing. All verified, all checked and double-checked, and all saying the exact same thing: the whole thing was staged.
  • The sources have been completely correct--six weeks before the airing of the finale--and they were totally vindicated. Why doubt one part of their story when the rest turned out correct?
  • The 'acting' of Jason and Molly at the FRC. When Jason had demolished Melissa, Molly was brought out to talk with Harrison. Unlike almost every Bachette in history Molly had not 'moved on.' "I still love him." Nerves? Are you kidding? She was as cool as a cucumber. No eye-blinking, swallowing or any sign of distress--just as robotic as ever. You might even think she knew what was coming. Snort! And when Jason took her back? Oh, man! She hedged and agonized over that decision. I mean, until the commercial break ended, then she crammed her tongue down his throat and made sure to do it on camera. Ahh, twu wuv! It took her nearly two whole minutes to not only forgive him but to suck his face off. Yeah, she was on the edge of her seat all right. Jason's tears? (sighs) whether crying over his son, or falling over the edge of the balcony after sending Molly home or dumping Melissa--this guy's balls must be the size of a gnats. The good news is that Molly will be able to store them in a petri dish. I can just see Jason padding around on the floor on all fours with a black collar on his neck while Molly feeds him his dinner out of a dog dish. What a life!
The Producers

These guys are soul-less monsters, we all know that. But they have violated the covenant they have with viewers with this stunt. We expect staging, hell, we look forward to parts of it. Women singing, eating beer cans and performing all sorts of stunts to entertain us. Bachelors like Brad Womack having heart to heart advice talks with professional football players they've just met or the required use of the words "amazing' and 'journey". But the understanding has always been: "you don't mess with the love." Well they finally had a lovestory...maybe. Ok, ok, I admit, Jason and Molly? Bland meets bland. If I saw those two lying on a beach and walked past with my kids I'd slap my boy's hand away, "Don't touch them son! The dullness rubs off!" But that's hardly our fault. They cast these two bags of fertilizer. We've been violated almost as badly as Melissa. I always knew these guys would pimp their grandmothers for ratings...now I think they'd shoot them.


Jason Mesnick

Ah, at last. Even if every leak is wrong and it wasn't scripted and designed to destroy an innocent woman, Mesnick would be revealed as an emotional retard. What 32 year-old, divorced father would find himself torn between two women and then suddenly propose to one of them? Even if he's innocent (and he's not) what the hell could you have been thinking? But that's beside the point, because he did this on purpose, with malice and aforethought. Before I unload both barrels into this guy I'm going to anticipate some of the whiners who are already posting around the net.

But Barbarossa, he was under contract! He had to do what he was told!

Bullshit! I guess I need to get me one of them contracts. I'm going to have everyone I know sign it and soon I'll have my own slave army! Jesus, will you people listen to this? Let me point out a few things to the slower among the flock. Bachelors have power! Before you roll your eyes, think about this: If Eva Longoria Parker had a problem with a script on Desperate Housewives and was throwing a diva-tantrum over it do you think the director would phone the legal department and call for the lawyers? "Listen, Mrs. Parker. You've got a contract and if you don't get back on that set, we're gonna' sue your ass off!" Hahahahahah! They wouldn"t dare! Eva would haul ass off that set like a rocket...and when she did, the entire production would come to a screeching halt. No, the director would call the producer, the writer and anyone else he needed and they would schmooze Eva's shapely bottom and make whatever changes to the script was required to get her back to work. What makes you think the Bachelor is any different? From the first second the Bachelor is publicly announced, he has power. He's the STAR for shits sake! Just like Lovely Eva and any of her Desperate Sisters!

And three months into a shoot? OMG! Production is in motion: houses rented, product promos set up, a crew and team is on the payroll, and they have three weeks of footage in the can. They are, to say the least, invested in the STAR to the hilt! ABC is waiting for the product they ordered and the producers had damn well better deliver. Now, replay the scenario that almost certainly happened, but instead of a spineless pustule like Jason, insert a real man into the scenario:
Producers: "So, you've settled on Molly, eh? Cool, Great to hear it. We need a different ending--something new and different for ratings, babe. Here's what we want you to do: you seem to like Melissa ok too, so take her to the end and propose to her--then we'll film the break up after filming wraps and then you and Molly can be together. What do you say?"

Bach: That's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! You want me to get engaged to a girl and then dump her just so you can film it?! I won't do anything that shameful!"

P: "Listen, bub, you've got a contract and you're gonna' open yourself up to some tough legal action unless you do what we say!"

B: "Blood from a turnip...and the next one of you sons-a-bitches even breaths the word 'lawsuit' I'm walking off this fucking set, finding the nearest reporter and telling 'em what you asked me to do!"

A chill would fill the room cold enough to freeze an Eskimo's balls. Millions of dollars into production you think they're going try and run their STAR off?! But of course, that's not how the conversation went, is it? Here is probably what it sounded like with Jason:

Producers: "So, you've settled on Molly, eh? Cool, Great to hear it. We need a different ending--something new and different for ratings, babe. Here's what we want you to do: you seem to like Melissa ok too, so take her to the end and propose to her. Then we'll film the break up after filming wraps and then you and Molly can be together. What do you say?"

Tranny-man: (Whines and rubs his two-inch dick) "Oh, ok, Mike. Whatever you want." Disgusting!

This guy's a walking shitstain! How amoral do you have to be to willfully agree to a stunt like this? Melissa was demolished by this, humiliated and laid bare all on National Television. This wasn't the normal lead-on we see every season where the Bachelor leads on two or three extra chicks so the show won't lose it's drama. No, this went well outside the show.

But Barbarossa, it's not really an engagement. It's just TV

Skip it! He got down on a knee, slipped a ring on her finger and asked: "Will you marry me?" That's an engagement and I don't give a shit if he asked her on top of the Matterhorn, the surface of the moon or anywhere else. Slide the ring on and pop the question and it counts. I can barely fathom the moral depravity required to ask a gal to marry you, cheat on her, and then dump her on National Television as part of a plan! Had he just changed his mind, I would have doubted his sanity for asking when he was less than sure, but I understand people can change their minds. But to do this on purpose!? I hope Molly gives him the crabs!

The only people pleased by this are all the other men who were The Bachelor. Andy Baldwin, Bob Guiney, Jesse Palmer--they're sitting around toasting anyone who will still get near them and singing the praises of Jason Mesnick. "We're off the hook!" But I seriously doubt that will console Melissa Rycroft...or us. Shamelessness defined.

50 comments:

Anonymous said...

Awesome, Awesome, /awesome!

I so agree with you on this "Well let's just say you could put this guy's balls and sense of decency in the same thimble--which is undoubtedly where that bug-eyed tramp he ended up with keeps them."

Actually, I loved the whole thing. You are fan-tabulous.

Anonymous said...

Hilarious and Justifiable Rant, Captain.
Ahoy! and thanks for the great blogs.

Sue

Anonymous said...

Ok - THIS was freakin brilliant!!!!! Kudos, my dear husband :) I laughed and laughed, and gasped at some things! My, you are so bold.

GoodGirl said...

Fabulous post!LOLOLOLOLOLOL I will never look at a thimble the same way ever again.

Chancelucky said...

I've gotta say, my biggest disappointment in all this turned out to be Chris Harrison.

About the only fun thing about ATFR was reading your blog.

Jenn said...

OMG, this was so funny! Enjoyed your take and the rant:)

Jenn:)

Anonymous said...

Well said, Cappy, and 100% on point!

Anonymous said...

Permission to bookmark this blog sir!

You Rock!

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thanks gang. I felt this jerk deserved everything I could give him.

Anonymous said...

That was fucking hilarious, dude. Thanks for making my day. The only thing that could get me laughing harder is if Molly decides to call another emergency ATFR ceeremony in a couple weeks and dumps Jason.

I really wish we could find out if what you say is true. Your comments echo what Reality Steve said, but how do we find out if the whole theory is true? Someone HAS to get Melissa to talk. of all the viewers who watch this shitty show, surely she could get a donation large enough to pay whatever lawsuit ABC throws her way for spilling the beans.

Debbie said...

You now have a NEW FAN!!!! Don't think I've laughed this hard in a year! (Found your site almost by accident. Someone on Reality Steve's site just published your link).

Pirate Man, you are snarky, brilliant, and have balls the size of a blue whale. IMPRESSIVE!

AbbyRose said...

amen. Well stated Barbarossa.

Nancy said...

This blog is hilarious. I'm marking it as a new place to come for the snark now that Reality Steve is all about the inside scoops.

LSD said...

Who ARE you and where did you come from? This blog is freakishly hilarious. I only wish I knew of it before the MostDramaticRoseCeremonyEV.ER.

Captain Barbarossa said...

"Who ARE you and where did you come from?"

I am the Captain...and for lack of a better life, this is what I do.

Thanks for the comments all of you.

Anonymous said...

Joining the party late, but wanted to echo the praise here.

However, I don't share your conviction that this was ALL scripted. And I certainly don't think he got down on one knee as part of a scam. You don't have to have ANY balls to say no to that (speaking as a woman here). Who would go for that? I don't think much of Jason, but he's not a sociopath and you'd have to be one to go along with that. The theory that production people were sickened still holds true because he did dump her on TV and then make out with Molly a few minutes later.

The simplest explanation is that he went through with his decision to propose to Melissa and spent the next month and a half regretting it. And communicating with Molly. That's reason enough to want to rake the man over the coals (and you did it better than anyone on the net). Jason is emotionally stunted, but he doesn't seem to be completely heartless. (Although his heart is in his pants, clearly.)

Melissa is better off now, but no one should have to go through that.

Stewart said...

I agree with it all. Congrats on your new found popularity!

Debbie said...

NEWS FLASH!

Just heard that Melissa is replacing one of the 2 injured contestants on "Dancing With the Stars" starting tomorrow night.

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