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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, July 14, 2009

7-13--As the Stomach Turns

Pretty obvious what you need to do when you have no love to sell, isn't it? You declare your "reality show" a Soap Opera and you hire Jerry Springer to direct it. Flim-flam moves become the default course of the day: Ed comes back! Cheesemachine comes back! Now? Reid comes back? Is this all ya got Fleiss? Cut guys returning like bargain basement superheroes to save the day; country music douche bags being edited to look like cartoon villains, and now... a computer nerd being reduced to cinders for having dead dick at the ripe 'ol age of 29? I was actually expecting Bret Michaels to pop out of the Fantasy Date closet to give poor ol Ed a hand with Jill. He would have demolished her all right. Maybe that's the ending they're going for: Bret Michaels comes in the last five minutes and sweeps Jill away from these other whiny dudes and spirits her away on his Harley for a wild, three week fling. Probably more entertaining than what's coming. Especially for her.

A Casual Fantasy

First up is the casual, somewhat indifferent Malibu snob, Kiptyn from Krypton. The guy with the superhero name drops in on Jill and they trade hugs over an expansion bridge while Jill informs us how 'perfect' this guy is again. He then picks her up and kisses her...sort of. Ok, enough is enough!! Will somebody--anybody!--pick this little elf up and kiss her like they actually want her! Jesus Christ! Where did Fleiss find these guys--a nunnery! Thirty guys and every damn one of them has pecked at her like she's a chicken! I know Jill tends to pull off and had a 'no tongue' rule on the Cowboy Soap Opera Date, but this the final frigging 3! I got some bad assed news for all ya'll: if I hadn't seen her in more than two days, she'd be in for it! And I don't care if she pulled back. This is supposed to be a romance show. Erica Kane kissed all 15 of her TV husbands with more passion that this! Somebody man up! They need to have a contest. Get the wingman and a film crew and reshoot whatever bullshit ending is coming our way. The rules are simple: First one of you eunuchs who kiss this babe like you wanna' have her, wins! It's disgusting! Ahem. To resume. Ok, Jill takes Kip to some crummy pole climbing thingie where they have a leap of faith moment. Yeah, yeah, it was all about trust. ZZZZZZZ. Now it's off to a luau where we get to hear again that Krypton has never had his mechanical heart broken before, and this worries Jill, because he might dump her before she can dump him or whatever. The wingman moves to save the day by sending in the 'ol sexcard and Jill tells him "I adore you." He kisses (and misses), but he does take her up to the Fantasy Suite and since the cameras actually left, I assume he got some. Date over.

The Seed at Waterloo

Ok, Reid's turn. Compared to the other two (especially the Dead Guy) he comes off like Odysseus before the Gates of Troy. He greets Jill next and manages to kiss some of the Kiptyn off her face. He actually kissed her...sort of. Ok, he wins. He then cracks a few funny jokes and a helicopter arrives. They carefully check the chopper for airsickness bags, Depends underwear, and a first-aid kit before he climbs in. After methodically checking the pilot's license, our Greek Hero is finally spirited up, up, and away. "We flew over all these beautiful scenes of Hawaii but we only have eyes for each other," Jill squeals. No one told her it was because Reid was scared to look out, but whatever. They circle around the island and then the pilot announces that he is an ordained minister and offers to marry them. Reid nearly swallows his tongue choking and probably broke in those Depends they brought along. Reid finally escapes the helicopter and they sit and have a talk...er an inquisition. She puts on a relentless full court press to get him to admit he loves her...or really likes her...or would like to go and get a lemonade later. Reid, sounding shockingly sane, won't commit to much as evening finally falls. For some odd reason this guy feels rushed. Can't imagine why. I've often confessed true love on the third date to a woman I've never even had sex with. What a weirdo this guy is. Anyway, instead of yelling with glee that she finally found a sane one, Jill instead expresses doubts about him. But that doesn't stop her when the ol sexcard arrives! She hauls him up to the Fantasy Suite so she can interrogate him some more. He still can't declare his true love so she hauls him into a bubble bath and somebody finally dismisses the cameras, so presumably, she can sample some of Reid's Seed. Hope she got her fill; cause that's all for this week.


Ed's Dead...from the waist down

So, this is the Lothario of the Windy City, eh? The Terror the Midway? What do you wanna' bet that Chicago is demanding a recount as we speak? Jill takes Romeo Ritchie out on the open water where Ed gets to show off a pair of shorts he stole from Greg Brady's closet. I haven't seen shorts that high and tight since my 8th grade basketball team. Shamrock green with white pockets, fittin' nice and tightie? Dr. J wouldn't have been caught dead in those. Either the leaks about this guy are bullshit or the women of Chicago got some 'splainin' to do! Anyway, she takes him out on a catamaran and they go swimming in some beautiful water and he tells her 'he' flew his parents to Hawaii to meet her. Uh-huh. (If he had that much spare change he could have bought a decent pair of swim shorts.) She squeals and they go to meet the folks. Mom looks like she's gonna' faint the entire interview and dad asks the million dollar question: "What are we doing here?" Good question, pops. Your kid doesn't seem to have any idea either. Ed finally let's us know he salvaged his job (and lost his girlfriends I assume) and he's really serious about Jill. Mom and Pop do their best to act like the believe any of this and Jill takes Ed down to the beach so she can hand out the ol sexcard. Ed says the magic words: "I love you."

Chicago Hangs it's Head in Shame

Jill takes the Dead One up to the Fantasy Suite where they oil each other up with lotion and...go to to sleep? THUD. Oh my, oh my. Canada sends a cute little elf down here and this is all we got? This was practically an international incident. I'm expecting an apology from the Oval Office before nightfall. The Terror of the Midway needed a nap? Jill, however, can't seem to make up her mind whether to bury him for the insult or to defend a guy she obviously likes: "There...there was just no passion...but, but, we were both really tired...and sunburned! Yeah. He was really sunburned!" (Shakes head) As I type this, there are sixty thousand U.S. troops along the Khyber Pass in Afghanistan, humping it up mountain passes with fifty pound rucksacks on their backs and engaging Taliban militants in deadly firefights. If the Fleissmonster wants some action, he merely needs to drop Jillian and a keg of Budweiser into one of those forward operating bases at dusk. If he'll supply the chaplain, he can have the nuptials and she can have the most exhausting honeymoon she could ever imagine before daybreak. It would only be two, maybe three episodes long, but can't you just imagine the scene: Fierce, drunken fistfights and gun battles that would have Caveman Dave running over the nearest hill looking for his mommy; followed by a quickie wedding, and wild-assed honeymoon once the dust settled and the wounded were evacuated. Those Marines could do all of that and still go out on patrol the next morning, and we're supposed to believe that Ed was sunburned? Work on it, Chicago!

The End of the Honey Bear

Jill has a sit-down with the wingman and after confessing Ed's dead in the rack, he plays her some videos the boys recorded. Kip goes first and keeps up the good-looking blandness. Reid is next and although he stubbornly refuses to get into the Bachelor-bubble and confess his love, he does crack the Wench Queen's heart by asking her not to cut her "honey bear." Ed goes next and since my notes got a coke spilled on them, I'll have to wing this one from memory: "I...I, I can get wood! Honest to Pete! I'm...I'm not gay! Don't think I'm gay! I've got a hundred women back in Chicago who can tell you I'm a great lay! And, oh yeah, I love you!" (Pretty close anyway.)

Rose Time

The boys all show up, and Ed, obviously thinking his dad hasn't disowned him yet, shows up dressed like the Easter Bunny. Producers look at the clock and yell: "Fill, fill!" So Jill hauls Peter Cottontail aside and they discuss why he wants all the women in Chicago but not a Canadian. He tells her what she wants to hear and here we go:

Jill: "Kip, will you accept this rose and keep being too perfect and allowing your family to look down on me? And will you continue to allow me to get away with making constant references to your lack of fortitude every time I see you?"

Kip: "Sure, whatever."

Jill: "Ed, do you promise you actually want to have sex with me, cause my self-esteem couldn't get any lower if you sent it straight to hell."

Ed: "Absolutely! And ignore the suit; I seem to have left my good ones all over Chicago."

She then takes the stunned Reid aside while his Seedlings cry a river and they have a long sit-down where little is said. Reid then gets in the limo while she bawls her head off, and proceeds to kick his own ass: "I should have told her. I'd reverse it if I could." (Hmm. I'm betting Reid didn't make it to the airport. That bubble is starting to work.) She sits back down and howls so Ed comes over and delivers a few Easter Eggs and then takes her back over to Kiptyn where they all drink the most desultory toast in the history of this show.

Next week: The Men tell All--less Reid, and Wes, and Ed, and Kip. That means two hours of Liberace Juan and Caveman Dave shouting at each other about the 'Man-Code.' Gawd, the crap I have to watch to be able to write this for you, faithful readers. Ok, expect a mighty short recap before we see if Reid is suitably brainwashed enough to come back and propose and if Ed is finally gonna' lay the wood. See ya then!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Waiting for your recap all morning. You did not dissappoint. Hysterical. Thanks for the laughs!

Sue

Chancelucky said...

I think they left out the fact that Ed's parents were staying in the same fantasy suite.

Reid did seem pretty genuinely terrified when "marriage" came up in the helicopter. I agree, he basically seemed sane to not want to promise love and marriage.

great writeup as always.

AbbyRose said...

Awesome! Such wit for a pirate! I actually watched the show last night to see what all the hubbub was about ~ plus I was mad at my hubby. Two stones and all.

Anyhoo I noticed that Jill wore her nicest clothes on Ed's date while he wore, as you put it, Greg Brady's closet. What was he thinking? Also the Fantasy Date ~ was this in the script? Someone check the storyboard pronto! I think that Jillian can safely say that he is just not into her. Okay, a joke can be made here. Move along ~ nothing to see here folks.

I think that I will skip the MTA and then just watch the FRC ~ which means a continuation to the ATFR show. Looking forward to you synopsis next week.

Debbie said...

********* HILARIOUS!!!!! *********

LOVED your recap from memory concerning Dead Ed's video to Jillian!!!! I'm STILL trying to figure out why she kept him over Honey Bear!!!

Gotta tell ya... Without any "lead in the pencil", I would have kicked Easter Bunny to the curb so fast he would have had wind burn!!

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thanks guys.

Abby: I have no insider info but it wouldn't surprise me if even the Fantasy Date bit was scripted. The cameras never left, did they? What if they filmed it, then the cameras left and he boned her brains out?

I man does not have to be "into you" very much for that piece ofequipment to function just fine.

This is a suspicion I had when watching it. The camera cuts were so weird, I was guessing it was edit-city.

Anonymous said...

Loved your piece and now I want a Barbarossa T-shirt! Size small, ladies ... Thank you! :-)

P.S. Silk robe and cucumber mask!