Tuesday, July 21, 2009

7/20--Planet of the Apes

Anyone doubting the foresight of Charles Darwin should have had their doubts laid to rest last night, and anyone who seriously questions the venality and sadism of this shows producers would need their heads examined after witnessing that beat down of defenseless country-fried loser, Greaseball Wes. The crooner with no brain was left with no character intact after incurring producer wrath by not attending his own specially arranged second funeral last night. Leading the beating of the mentally challenged was show host, Chris "Wingman" Harrison; wielding his voice like a scythe, the wingman sighed, preened, and dripped sarcasm from his fangs like a deadly serpent; and helped along by the willing class of well-trained apes, they exhumed Wes' dessicated carcass, burned it, and buried it in a shallow grave. What an idiot Wes is. He wouldn't have been allowed to say much in his own defense that made it to air, true enough, but at least he could have done some rehab. Instead, he abstained, pissed off the powers that be, and refused to even appear in his own defense. Whoever is advising Wes needs to be fired, pronto! That was like try to surrender to a gaggle of club-wielding gorillas. You might as well throw your hands up and go down fighting. Without Wes to pick on in person, Harrison was reduced to picking fights between the show apes and letting them duke it out over "The Man Code", and desperately trying to launch the future Bachelor career of Jake, The cheesmachine, Pavelka. Nausea grips me as I type that, but the stars are aligning that way, I'm less than delighted to report.

Jill's Private Interview

This served a few purposes: first of all, it got to introduce a little foreshadowing of next weeks finale and the return of fan-favorite, Reid the Seed.

Jill: "I was ready to let everyone go; but I wasn't ready to let Reid go."
Wingman: "Reid couldn't be with us tonight, he had a prior engagement. (Wink, wink)

It also set the tone for the fights the wingman was going to pick, but it's most important contribution, was to introduce the outtakes for the year. These were funny, at least to me. But I'm a guy. And I'm beginning to think Jillian is too. Fart jokes abounded, including Jill pulling the wingman's finger. We got to see that Reid dances the Hula about as well as Jill, which is to say Badly! But to this old pirates eyes, we may have inadvertently witnessed the end. What do I mean by that? Hmm. Well, we got to see Drop Dead Ed plastered like one of the great statues of Europe and Jill's reaction to that stunning level of his inebriation. After seeing Ed barely able to speak, picking her up in his arms in a hotel hallway while she squealed, "Ed! Short dress Ed!" and then watch him morph into Ed, The Dancing Bear, I'm of the opinion that if Jill ever saw Ed passed out face down in a galleon of his own vomit she'd think it was 'cute'. I guess if I was a decent writer, I'd save my finale predictions for the last paragraph, so you'd read to the end, but I'm not. There comes a time when all men act like total fools, and only a woman who loves you, still accepts you anyway. Someones got a bad case of Ed, and that someone's name is Jillian. If these two are together more than a few weeks, I'm looking forward to the youtube videos of Jillian passing out laughing while a drunken Ed lights his own farts--she might even pull his finger for him. Back to the important stuff. We get to see Jill taking dating advice from a Harlem Globetrotter. 'Absurd' is obviously not a word in Mike Fleiss' language. And an unseen visit on Kip's hometown date leads us to his charity HQ. Kip, as he has all season, comes off smelling like a rose. Mr. Perfect marches on. And one of his female coworkers sure looked in love with him too.

Jason and Molly return!


deus ex (Cheese) machina

The wingman's 60 minutes portion of the show opens with a gang-up on Jake, the cheesemachine. Tanner F.--a guy who was dismissed early, and I could never figure out why--becomes a virtual Master of Ceremonies, and leads several assaults against his namesake, Toejam Tanner, for ruining his name as a foot freak--and then rags the Cheesemachine for pulling "a Mesnick" and collapsing over the balcony and bawling. Hey! Has Tanner F. been reading my blog? Make up your own damn lines, Tanner. Caveman Dave, now sporting a beard to make him look even more like a neanderthal than before, joins in the gang rape. Sasha the incredibly boring, launches the last blow by telling Jake how plastic and fake he is and always referring to himself as "Too perfect". Jake, unable to deny a word of it, tells Sasha to "Fuck off!" The nearly all-female audience cheers and lowers my faith in the fairer of the species. Later, Cheeser slithers into the Lukewarm Seat, watches some clips of his horrible acting, and takes the magic question from a producer-plant in the audience: "How would you feel about being the next Bachelor?" The gullible (or well-paid) audience cheers and the Cheeser hems and haws in his aw shucksness way before concluding that it: "Would be an honor." Ha ha, ok.

The Silverback Gorilla Steps Forward

Next up for some wingman desecration, is Caveman Dave. My thoughts on Dave aren't going to be terribly PC. I've said in past columns he's a guy with a drinking problem, and there's little doubt his I.Q. isn't much higher than a grapefruits, but a few things do come through in his defense. Dave was dumb enough (and drunk enough) to think dating on a reality show is supposed to be like dating in real life. The audience, and his man code buddies, all jumped on him when the scenes of him drunkenly pawing Jill were shown. Fair enough. He was, and is, an ape. However, he tried to defend himself with logic that had more than ring of truth to it. Had he been dating Jill in the real world for a month, and told her she had a great ass, the heavens wouldn't have tumbled downward. The women in the audience all acted shocked--shocked! I tell you, that a guy dating them would have the crassness to tell them they had a great ass and that was grounds for an instant break-up. The truth, we all know, is that if you don't tell your girlfriend that she has a great ass, that that is grounds for an instant break-up. Dave's just too stupid to know the difference. Anyway, they all jump on him and he apologizes. Ya can't fix stupid, buddy. Oh, and please see a doctor about that single-eye-slow-blink thing you got going on--it's creepy. and you don't need any extra help there.

Jill Comes Out

Nothing new to report: Dave apologizes, Jake churns some more butter, Liberace Juan gets his beard-on by slobbering over her feet, and Breakdance Michael keeps up the good edit (just in case plan C is put into operation) and she recaps the season. They're all nice to her because she is. There is no mention of 'engagement' or that she is actually with someone, only the 'happy' comment again. Make of that what you will.

In between everything I've wrote is the constant drumbeat of Wes is a loser. I didn't feel the need to recap it. The guy is toast and his managers better get their heads out of their asses. He's in the perception business, and right now, he'd rank just below Hitler with Israelis who watch this crap. He and his handlers passed up a chance to try and redeem himself before the audience he was ruined in front of--millions of them. Instead he ran to Reality Steve and whined about the edit to a few thousand geeks like me, some of whom actually understand how this show slices and dices people's words to crucify them. Big deal. The truth doesn't matter, Wes; perception is the truth in your business and you've got a long way to crawl out of the hole you're in. Toejam even commented in an interview after the taping that he and Wes went out in Dallas and women were coming up to the Greaser and telling him he was douche bag to his face. Try selling them one of your CD's, Wes.


Ok, this is actually what most of us watched for anyway, isn't it? Well, Kiptyn from Krypton still looks perfect I'm happy to report. (Kryptonians Rejoice!) The most negative thing we've seen about this guy is that he doesn't have great balance on a rope bridge. Horrors! Refused to Stay Dead Ed, I'm happy (or cringing) to report, is going to wear those green shorts again. They both get to meet Jill's parents and there's lots of crying and whining at the Final Rose Ceremony...and lastly, Reid the Seed is shown in the last two seconds pondering over some kind of ring. (Seedlings Rejoice!)

So, nothing more to do but wait for the end (and the leaks from the filing of ATFR) to tell us who the winner is and what kind of dating arrangement has been worked out(if any). I will say this however, no matter what happens at the end, Jillian has been my favorite Bachelorette. She may go on to mini-fame doing commercials and whoever she picked and her may not last till the end of the ATFR, but I don't care. Unlike other bloggers I could mention, I like her. Pirate kisses to you, Jilly, and good luck.

Next week: The Final Five Minute Twist! See ya then!


bach said...

Seeing Reid staring out the window while pondering over the ring reminds me of Frodo contemplating his next move. Hopefully Reid can hold onto the ring better than Frodo did in this video:


And by the way, is that Kip staring at the "little hobbit"?

Great post, as always.

Chancelucky said...

Jillians' your favorite? Wow! I had no idea.

Having looked at Reality Steve today, it's clear to me that Wes didn't have a girlfriend because he's been dating Reality Steve. I mean they're staying in hotels together at this point and Steve has replace Jillian as that special fan in the front row. Very strange stuff.

I agree that Ed appears to be able to do no wrong in Jillian's eyes. The whole business of her mother's depression hasn't come up this year, but I think one of her notions of marriage ties into a sense that people aren't and shouldn't try to be perfect.

that whole "If you twist my arm, I'd be honored to be the Bachelor bit" with Jake was pretty nauseating. I think Jake or breakdance Michael as the Bachelor would be a disaster of Mark Phillipousis proportions.

rach said...

I was looking forward to a little "M and M" bashing, but you more than made up for it with this, in reference to Dave: "Oh, and please see a doctor about that single-eye-slow-blink thing you got going on--it's creepy. and you don't need any extra help there." Oh my God. That was SO funny! (And you're right about "nice ass" not being the least bit offensive, and even a required compliment along the way.)

Anonymous said...

I hate the MTA, but actually laughed a bit last night; particularly with drop dead drunk Ed's cocktail performance (slurred words, dancing, farting) and the guys calling out Jake for pulling a "mesnick".

I really like Jillian too. She comes across as smart, focused and real.... and I am enjoying her romance with Ed. With Ed she is more vulnerable and open. Nice story arc for her too - strong woman finally able to let someone take care of her. I relate to her personally.

I'm guessing that b/c her mom's depression story was shared last time around that they will not bother to discuss it on air, although I'm sure Jillian did speak with both of her final suitors about it.

Great blog as usual.

All the best, Sue
Cheers till next week!

PS - I really enjoyed bach and chancelucky's comments as well.

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thanks for the comments guys.

Chance: "Yeah, it's an official bromance, ain't it."

Sue: Thanks for being a regular. I'll send you a T-shirt when I start selling them. Ha!

Rach: Sorry I didn't bash M & M. It's like picking on the crippled at this point.

AbbyRose said...

Funny blog ~ glad that I didn't watch the show rather read your blog instead.

Sounds like Jillian is all about Ed, which will no doubt bite her in the butt. Interesting that the producers are giving Ed the "Jesse from De's show" edit. That cannot be good.

Jill's your favorite? Really?

Captain Barbarossa said...


Wasn't a viewer for Trista or Jen. So, compared to Dee, yes, Jill is by far my fav.

AbbyRose said...

Did you watch Meredith's show? One of my faves.

Anonymous said...

Captain, can't wait for my T! Thanks. :-)

Glad to read the update from RS... but I'm done with his site. Too full of himself and his merchandising. Actually someone should write a blog about his self-important blog. I would subscribe to that one, absolutely!!

Cheers till next week!!


Debbie said...

Sue - You should drop a note with the link in RS's comment section to come on over HERE!! Of all people, RS should appreciate the value of merchandising! HAHA!!

(I also glanced at the comments there last night & there are ALOT of fans getting ready to bid sayonara...)

Chancelucky said...

I do think the Captain's far funnier than Steve ever was, even when Steve was actually funny.

The Captain has also nailed what went wrong with RS. It just isn't news that we shouldn't take the Bachelor seriously.