Monday, January 11, 2010

1/11--Cloud 9

"I feel like I'm on cloud 9." I'm on cloud 9 right now." "After that date, I'm on cloud 9 right now!" All right, all right, all right, I get it! He's a fuckin' pilot! I got it already! Good god, can't they do anything half way? Must everything be relentlessly driven into the ground like that dumb "I'm too sexy for my shirt!" song? Speaking of, did you notice how many times they managed to get 'ol Shorty out of his top? He took the gals on a modeling photo shoot and suddenly his tits were hangin' out. I want my money back. But I guess I shouldn't complain.Your old ship captain is about as straight as they come, but even I'd rather stare at his chest than have to watch his terrible acting. Hey Landrum; William Shatner called and hoped you enjoyed the overacting lessons. If you actually studied acting, you're the one who should get your money back. Work on it, Cheesemachine! You're making my eyes bleed. But the theme of the night must be served, and the previews make sure to hang Rozlyn the Ho out to dry like yesterdays laundry. And the producers were good enough to play the theme music from Jaws just in case anyone was too thick to get it. The cheeser also pops in to a shout out some scripted hyperbole: "Last night was the best night of my life! Nice guys finish last! I'm the luckiest guy in the world!" The necessary cue-card reading at an end, the wingman comes sashaying out and lets the Cheddar-ettes know the date line up for the week--two group dates, and a one-on-one date. He also ominously warns the babes that they had better lose their minds, trash each other, and act like fools to get noticed because "not everyone will be getting a date each week." That message seemed to get thru at least, cause they do indeed start to act like a sack full of glue-sniffing cats right away.

Jake and the Real Girl

Cruelty? Sure, I got some for ya. How about setting up a group date to a modeling photo shoot that consists of 1 slightly above average-looking girl with a decent bod, a fairly wicked sense of humor, and pair her up with 4 bikini models? That should do the trick. Normal-girl Christina is sent to her humiliating doom along with 4 babes who could have Hefner strokin' his ancient mule: Gia the pro, Blond Ashley, Valisha the silent', and Rozlyn the Ho all pile into a stretch SUV with the Cheeser and go to meet the In-Style magazine folks. Oh, yeah, Long-Face Corrie was there too, but we never see her. Four professional models and one gal next door. Nice. The camera, when not trying to peek up the other gals' dresses or down their bikinis, focuses almost solely on Christina and her impending meltdown. Some homo from In-Style comes out positively towering over ol' Shorty and lets the gals know that they will be doing a photo shoot. Sweat pours from Christina's forehead: "I'd rather take a math test!" I bet. This was like taking an average guy to the set of a porn movie and telling him its time for a size comparison contest with the pros. Christina sweats buckets while Gia the pro is rather amazed she actually gets to pose with some clothes on, and Rozlyn the Ho talks about doing this a million times. At some stage of the dress up, the Cheeser manages to lose his shirt. Yecch. Then Roz moves out and starts posing like the pro she is. Cheeser ambles up and at one stage, Roz hikes her leg and the Fleissmonster inserts a black bar the news networks use to protect prosecution witnesses to let us know Roz just flashed her furburger at the camera. Did she? No idea. Christina mumbles she did and no doubt the audience will assume she did anyway, so she might as well have. The other girls go while Christina sweats and finally, its her turn. She does just fine and Cheeser comes up to pose and sooth her. A personal interview is inserted where Christina waxes with apparent sincerity about Joke and how he is just a wonderful guy for helping her. Careful Kiddo; there's a steep drop off that cliff.

That's a Bikini Wrap

Jake then hauls the gals to a hotel rooftop pool for a wrap party. His first victim is Gia the pro. The producers, upset he asked her a real-sounding question about her life, send Blond Ashely out to steal him wearing a black bikini. While Cheeser runs away to change into his baggies, the producers order all of the women into bikinis. Ashley takes a few minutes to plop down on Joke's lap to ride his pocket rocket before all the gals emerge in bikinis and join in. The camera spares us no sight as the 4 pros frolic about showing themselves to be total strangers to the concept of body fat, and no strangers at all to the concept of Plastic Surgery. Christina cowers on the steps and tries to hide under the water and then (understandably) gets drunk. (Funny how they all get drunk but only the gals about to get booted are shown drunk, while the others get their slurs edited out, isn't it?) Jake hauls Roz the ho away for a little talk and she practically assaults him with her lips. The Cheeser, in obvious disbelief that a woman this hot would actually touch him, proceeds to grow a forest full of wood in his drawers. He goggles at her and then Mr. ""I just want a woman with a heart of gold", practically tramples the camera crew and other contestants to get to the date rose. Yeah, Joke, a woman with a heart of gold--provided she looks like Roz. It was obvious how much you were taken by her personality. I mean, you must have exchanged about twenty words with her at this point. Hehehe. Date over.

A Wholesome Cinderella

While Joke and bikini bimbos finish off Christina's self esteem, a card and diamond necklace arrive at the Cheese Palace, but there is no name attached. This allows the left behind cheedar-ettes to speculate and allows Bi-Polar Michelle to show some crazy. But much to her insane chagrin, a follow up note arrives at dawn telling Wholesome Ali to go and get her air sickness bags ready, cause the Cheesemachine is going to cure her fear of flying...even if it kills her. The Cheeser arrives and festoons her with the necklace before he hauls her out to his moped and slaps the Mighty Morphin Power Ranger helmet on her head and its off to the airport. A Piper Cub or some other Buddy Holly-type plane awaits them. Jake is shown carefully checking his aircraft before take-off and this is performed with as much seriousness as if he's about to hurtle skyward to meet the Red Baron in battle. Ali looks like she needs Depends as Joke takes her up, up, and away! They cruise around the California coastline so she can relax and the producers can blare "On the Wings of Love" since they paid for the rights. They land and Ali has relaxed substantially since Jake, for all his BS, is actually a real pilot and flying is about as dangerous as bowling these days. Ali gushes about overcoming her fear while people with real flying phobias join me and roll their eyes.

But planes, I fear, are just not cool enough, so Jake takes her for a ride in a car right out of the Great Gatsby. He takes her to a park for dinner and then over to a field for a private concert with Chicago. "He took me to the most romantic evening. We got to see Chicago!" Left unsaid was the part where Ali, who was about 2 the last time Chicago had a hit, said: "Who the hell are these old guys?" Nevermind. Anyway, constant private interviews, show us Ali has fallen deep into the Bachelor bubble as she gushes about the Jokester as the perfect guy. True, the date was cool, and romantic...I just hope the producers checked birth certificates carefully, because from some angles Ali looked about 15. Seriously, folks, this was an f1 set up if ever there was one. I was powerfully reminded of Tessa Horst and Andy Baldwin here--Ali even had Tessa's dress on. Without the leaks from Reality Steve that says Ali leaves of her own accord, I'd swear we just saw the finale. But I don't doubt Steve; so someone must have slapped some sense into Ali somewhere along the line. Rose? Check! Date over.

Magic Bullshit Mountain

Next up, it's time for a visit to Six Flags Over Muenster as Joke takes his remaining ettes, (less Watering Pot Tenley and Bi-Polar Michele) to a closed theme park to hit the coasters. The news she will be skipped, prompts Bi-Polar Michelle to grab some attention by packing her bags and then...sitting her ass down. Yawn. Back at BS Mountain, Vienna Sausage and Brunette Ashley play exposition characters and narrate us through the date. They barely get inside the front gate when Elizabeth the Tease snatches Jake away and reads him a note telling him not to kiss her unless she is the final one. BUZZZZZZZ! Thank you for playing Teasemaster. Jake, however, Velveeta's the audience: "I respect her values." Yeah, right. He gives her the date rose for being frigid and then she sits alone with him and tries to tease him to insanity. In the end, he kisses her forehead while she sticks her collagen-injected lips about an inch from his cheddar ones. Its actually a good ploy. (He might just keep her until the Fantasy Dates so he can try and break her back in revenge.) It does, however, give Vienna Sausage, who looked shallow, vapid, and brainless last week, to look both possessive and prudish: "I think it's too early for kissing." Really? In just a minute, you're going to admit that the you eloped with (and presumably had hot monkey-sex with) some guy you barely knew. What's a little smooch? No matter. All of this pounds past us while Brunette Ashley gets to leer into the camera and turn on her 'Manson Lights'. Jesus, she has creepy eyes. This girl is still single? I can't imagine why. Elizabeth the Tease gets the rose and fireworks erupt as the other girls are unceremoniously hauled away.

Cocktail Party Ambush

Watering Pot Tenley and Bi-Polar Michelle score the party's first 1 on 1 and do the serious bawling bit before we get to the meat of the evening. While Tenley passes on the divorce news and Michelle passes on the sanity, the wingman slithers into the gathering and hauls Rozlyn the Ho away. Out front of the Cheese Palace, Harrison pins her about having an 'inappropriate relationship' with a staffer and lets her know that the staffer has been axed and she needs to leave. Roz's responses vary between deer in the headlights, caution, and some pseudo-admission that something happened. Harrison tells her she needs to pack and leave and then says the dumbest thing yet this season: "No one's judging you." Really? Kicking her ass off the show would seem to be a judgment of some sort, winger. Roz, either deciding to take the fifth and cut her loses, or truly surprised that they waited until the cocktail party to out her, heads upstairs accompanied by some palooka who watches her like she might steal the silverware on her way out. I know this is all over the net and Roz has both her defenders and condemners, but something obviously did transpire. The winger kept it bland and non specific, but Brunette Ashley and her Manson Lights were under no such constraints: "She had some sexual affair or whatever!" Bingo! Inappropriate just became a hot sex romp. Roz is escorted away and Harrison steals the Cheeser away from Christina. He breaks the news and for about 15 seconds, Pavelka seems surprised and genuinely stunned.

Captain Camembert recovers quickly, however: "Can I have my rose back?"
Harrison: "Absolutely. We don't want to waste a rose on someone when there are a room full of deserving women in there. (Translation: We aren't going to use up one of our precious roses on some crab-laden ho like that!)

Roz is carted away to her own little slice of Bachelor=infamy. Did she screw around? Unless she favors broom closet quickies, I doubt it. They are filmed 24/7 and she had only been there a few days. But is it possible? Sure. Better yet, who cares!? With this guy? A farce from the beginning. Anyway, Cheeser wants to be with Harrison when he meets the babes. They gather em up and Harrison does his "inappropriate--lines were crossed,"" spiel. Then...at least half of the women are edited to appear to be bawling.Why? I have no earthly idea. Harrison gathers Joke and tells them: "Ok, Jake and I are going to leave. Please feel free to cry a lot and trash Roz, ok?" Or something like that. The gals all cry and pile on Roz.

Rose Ceremony

Cheeser, who has found a green onion somewhere to stick in his lapel to moisten his eyes, comes out and starts wielding flowers.

Already safe: Wholesome Ali and Elizabeth the Tease.

1) Vienna Sausage--Just waiting for this tabloid bomb to go off.

2) Gia the pro--Cha-ching!

3) Watering Pot Tenley--Doesn't cry. Miracle.

4) Ella-sultry single mom under the radar this week. Either really good or really bad for her. I'd bet the latter.

5) Silent Valisha-nary a peep but 'ol Barbarossa would have some words for her.

6) Long Face Corrie--Ok.

7) Jessie--Who?

8) Blond Ashleigh

9) Bi-Polar Michelle--producers love this one

10) Kathryn--who?

Ok, two down and waaayyy too many to go. Until we meet again, friends: (You know).


Debbie said...

Captain -

** This is ONE OF YOUR BEST!!! ** I lost track of how many times I laughed until I had the hiccups!

Your blog is A TRUE MASTERPIECE of witty banter, contemptible scorn, and invaluable insights!! If it weren't for your hysterical post, I wouldn't watch this moronic show at all!

BTW, PLEASE consider writing about this new "Batchelor" spin-off show due out this summer. There should be enough familiar "glue-sniffing cats" and circle-jerking hornbags to keep you sufficiently entertained enough to zing them with your poison sword!

Again, GREAT POST, Captain!

Anonymous said...

Gah, I don't know how much of this torture I can take.

He wouldn't shut up about being on Cloud 9, and at one point he said he was "literally" on Cloud 9.

Get a dictionary. Ass. (Jake, not you. Thumbs up for the summary)

AbbyRose said...

Debbie said it best ~ magnificant recap, Captain. Many, many witty lines and things that you pointed I thought as I was watching the show.

Did not you think that Harrison was laughing when he was first talking to Jake one-on-one about the Roz (non)scandal? Such an edit/cut/paste job throughout that part of the show. (Yes yes yes, I had to watch the episode online to see the made up drama myself.)

My interest in the show is reading your blog and seeing the show exposed.

Stewart said...

If I were Jake, I'd pick Ali and send the rest home. A douche like that could never score a chick like Ali in real life. However, you said that she leaves of her own accord later in the season. I can't blame her. One thing about her though, I'd be pissed if I were her family. She said she's been missing family vacations for years because of her fear of flying and then she gets in that 2 seat piece of shit with Capt. HardOn.

Roz was obviously a ho. I spotted that from the get go. Chris is probably pissed he didn't bang her before the fired producer.

That chick who didn't want a kiss would have been gone. If you're that uptight and prudish I don't want ya.

Anyways, nice write up as always. Later bro

Happydog said...

You are officially the best bach blogger around. Great snark!

Sue said...

Arghhhhh, Captain. Another great recap.

OMG, I can not bear the dialogue this season. Not real words or feelings, just hokey idioms. And then the music; it was all just too much, put me over the edge and I barfed. I wonder how many more times we’re going to have to hear “On the Wings of Love”!!

Can I say that I HATE Elizabeth and her virgin/whore seduction? Women who play the coy, virgin with oversized medically enhanced tatas deserve a slap in the face! They are a scourge on womankind!!

Spoilers say Ali leaves after the hometown dates. Need to know the story behind the story...rumor is its work reasons… I’m not buying it. If she takes Joke to her parents and there is only 2 weeks left, she is NOT going to go back to work IF she loves him. Maybe after meeting Joke, her parents slapped some sense into her. I hope we get the real story!

• He took the gals on a modeling photo shoot and suddenly his tits were hangin' out.
• [Roz] …heads upstairs accompanied by some palooka who watches her like she might steal the silverware on her way out.

Thanks again,
Your Fan, Sue

Anonymous said...

"Buddy Holly-type plane" Bwaahaaa! Loving your recaps, Captain.

Captain Barbarossa said...

Thanks guys. I appreciate the kind words. As hard as this is to watch, it makes for good snark.

Anonymous said...

Captin, I'm willing to bet some serious $$ that Bi-Polar Michelle is a paid actress. Heck, she lives in LA!