Monday, January 4, 2010

1/4--America: Meet the Cheesemachine!

Wow. And I thought this guy was full of shit. I mean, I knew he was a pilot, but I had no idea he would be flying the Air Force's new BS-52 Cliche Bomber.

"My office is at 37,000 feet."
"Love is stronger than flying."
"If I follow my heart, I can't go wrong."

America, I hope you like your cheese in great big-assed blocks, because Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka has landed!

Folks, how I'm supposed to do this I have no idea. I rolled my eyes so much last night I think I may have detached my retinas...and it was only night one. I mean, golly! (He actually uses the word: "Golly!") It's a well known fact that absolutely no one under the age of eighty has used that exclamation in the last sixty years except to forewarn a victim that the speaker is more full of shit than the septic system beneath a greasy Mexican restaurant. Don't believe me? Just imagine yourself being approached by a car salesman who opens his pitch by saying: "Golly!" You'd grab a hold of your wallet and run the other way like an asteroid. THIS is the guy Producer/ Douche-Rocket Supreme, Mike Fleiss, has foisted on the semi-suspecting public as his new Adonis of fairytale love? Cheese and Corn are not nearly powerful enough adjectives to describe the events of last night.

First, we get nearly 20 minutes of non-stop hyperbole shouted at us by Chris "Wingman" Harrison while the Cheesemachine does everything but play the violin with his shirt off. Then, in an effort to make the habitually square look hip, Fleiss plops him down on the dinkiest little motorcycle I've ever seen and sends him on to the Cheese Palace wearing a giant helmet that looked like it was stolen out of an old prop closet from the set of Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. Suffice it say, Cool is not a word that came to mind. Harrison then hauls his new Gomer into the backroom for a pow wow and we get our first look at this seasons babes. It's a sad day when the parade of psychos, famehoes, and bi-polar Olympians are the high point of the evening, but they are. It's certainly one of the best looking gaggles they've ever assembled and several even threatened to look sane...but it's early yet. The Cheeser all but guarantees marriage and keeps on aw-shucksing so much, I expected to see the ceremony before the evening ends.

The Cheddar-ettes

Harrison finally stops talking to the dick before I'm forced to ram a hot darning needle through my eye and it's time for the limos. Several gals made a quick first impression: (Quite a few did)

1) Rozlyn--Yow! Tall, leggy blond of the model-perfect variety.

2) Emily--short, brunette with dazzling eyes. Got cut? Huh?

3) Ali--Blond so wholesome-looking she could sell Wonderbread. Expect to see this one a while.

4) Tenley--Previously married but sounded as chaste as Mother Teresa anyway. Mumbled about being 'in love' but never got her crazy on. Barged in and got the first kiss but sounded shy as a hermit. A walking contradiction is this girl. She'll be around a while me thinks. First Impression Rose.

5) Vienna--Smokin' hot bod matched up with some crazy crossed-eyes. Later has Jake feel her up several places. She was gettin' a rose.

6) Ella--Sultry southern babe who looks to have stolen Angelina Jolie's lips. A little older though and has a kid already. We'll see.

7) Corrie--Aw, what's with the long face? Sleuthers say she will be around for a long while. Also bound to be a huge fan favorite because word is she doesn't believe in having sex. Proof that Captain Camembert and I have very different tastes.

8) Valishia-Older, smokin' hot brunette. But older is usually the death knell on this show.

9) Gia--Yeow! Some kind of hybrid between Jolie and Paula Abdul before she got a permanent room at Bellvue. Rose? You ARE kidding.

10) Elizabeth (Nebraska)--Courtney Cox doppelganger. Plays football with Le Cheeseball later and shows him just who has the "girly arm".

11) Elizabeth (D.C.)--Air National Guard Captain. Too smart, too accomplished. See Ya!

12) Tiana--Pretty...but TOO tall for 'ol shorty. Cut instantly.

13) Channy--Oh, c'mon! This was the best looking Asian gal they could net? Had a mouth so big she looked like Mao Tse Osmond. Compared to the others, this was practically 'Token' cruelty.

14) Stephanie--Cute little dance instructor who acted normal. Run out of cheesetown on a rail.

15) Kirsten--Yikes! I've ragged this show for it's Victorian snobbishness concerning divorcees and single mothers in the past, but casting a full blown transsexual might be a bit too forward-thinking for Mr. Golly-Gee.

16) Sheila--Commercial pilot with stunning blue eyes. Sorry, Le Fromage isn't interested in any aviation competition. Bye.

17) Michele--1-800-Psychos-R-Us. This chick was so crazy even Ed didn't get her phone number. Joke kept her anyway.

Also, a couple of Ashleys-Ashleighs- or whatever. All but a couple were hot anyway. Jesse Palmer would have bolted the doors shut and not come out for six months.

The rest? Time-filler hell. Every gal has some shtick to get his attention. I'll reserve judgment until we see a little more.

Jill and Ed Show Up

What the hell was that for? They should have invited Greseball Wes and Caveman Dave--that would have been hilarious. They've adopted a dog? Fascinating!

Ok, one in the books and I'm cringing about number 2 already. Season Previews were shown but I had had enough. This is going to feel like a marathon before it's over. This bastard better keep some hotties! Until we meet again, friends: Arghhhhh!


Stewart said...

Two things:
1) My 2 year old could throw a football with more masculinity than that queer/
2) I thought the Cambodian chick with the dirty talk was very ugly and had more teeth than Jake has cheesy lines

Looking forward to the write ups this season! I don't know if I will watch every episode because I barely made it through this one. I seriously felt the bile rising up my esophagus every 3 minutes. I'll be counting on you to keep me posted!

Chancelucky said...

He kept the real stewardess and the fake stewardess, but dumped the 2 pilots? What was that about? Did he have maybe the worst chemistry you'd ever seen with Ed and Jillian? they barely seemed to know each other and Jake didn't really take any of their advice.

Blimey said...

Boy, you really ran out of steam, didn't you. LOL You get an A for effort anyway.

And I love your moniker for Jake "Captain Camembert". That's what you should use for him all season long.

The best part of the show was seeing Ed and Jillian again. They're such a cute couple, and they at least have a sense of humor. Ed made me laugh a couple of times and it was good the editors let us see some of his personality this go-round.

Anonymous said...

Dear Captain,

Arghhhh back at 'ya.
Welcome back. So glad you decided to write.

Hilarious this week included: Captain Camembert, Mao Tse Osmond and Joke (vs. Jake).

My husband watches with me and for the first half-hour kept saying "gay, gay." I had to entice him to stay by reminding him the girls were coming soon. Of course he was not disaapointed. Wicked, enhanced tatas flying all around.
Actually funny.

For those who are interested, realitysteve has the scoop... and it is too unbelievable not to be true...

All the best, Sue

AbbyRose said...

Hilarious! Again glad that I am not watching the cheeze/snooze-fest. Your blog is absolutely hysterical, although I think that you may have trouble keeping interest in this show .... perhaps Gia sticking around for awhile might help. Keep it up, Captain!

Anonymous said...

You are hysterical and RIGHT ON! This blog is awesome!

LilysMom said...

Wonderful as always...Chris "Wingman" Harrison,,,ROTFLMAO!

You never disappoint!

Anonymous said...

This is the first time I am reading your blog, and I must tell you that it cracked me right up. I couldn't agree more, and The Bachelor franchise should thank you -- because of your blog, I will now suffer through each and every episode just because I can look forward to your commentary when its over.

Good stuff!

Anonymous said...

Great rundown of this unreal reality show!

Right on with all your hilarious comments.
I am glad someone posted this on my fav message board.
I will be a follower....whether I stick with The Bachelor or not!
Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.