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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, January 26, 2010

1/25--The Texas Cheesesaw Massacre

Considering the fact that Jake Pavella spent the balance of every pre-show interview marveling at the fact that the Bachelor's 25 women were all specially selected with him in mind, one would think that he might want to keep a few of them around. But apparently not. Jake was racing from location to location last night wielding his cheese knife like a machete and either cutting (or trying to cut) damn near every woman in sight. I never bought Pavelka's sincerity to begin with but I'm starting to wonder whether or not he hates all of them. He seemed to dash about the entire night, his cheese knife dripping blood from all the sorta-not-so-much-so broken hearts he left in his wake. The only other theme we were apparently supposed to latch onto was: as much as Jake hates the girls, they all hate Vienna twice as much. It is no surprise that the recap from last week was one long montage of: "Vienna sucks! Vienna sucks!". It was a good set up for this week, I must say, since the theme of this week was: "Vienna REALLY SUCKS!"

Highway to Hell

The wingman invaded the cheesepalace straight away and told the cheddar-ettes it's time for a road trip. The dates will consist of one, 1 on 1, one group date, and one of the nasty 2 on 1 someone gets booted variety. They all prance outside and find two big RV's waiting on them and race back inside to pack. I was shocked the producers actually split up Vienna Sausage and Chemical Ali for the trip too. Plenty of bitchy catfighting was thus avoided; not a Fleiss trademark. Jake, meanwhile, has puttered on ahead of them on his itty-bitty moped and is pedaling hard up the California Highway headed for Pismo Beach and Big Sur. He stops in a vineyard and awaits his babes. The gals arrive and Watering pot Tenley gushes: "Jake was standing there in his flannels looking like a man!" Yeah, a damn short one. Anyway, before he hastily retreats from his psychos, he drops them a date card and it says the 1 on 1 date will be with Gia the pro.


Stilettos in the Vineyard

I'm sure this thrilled Gia to no end. She's probably waited all her professional modeling life to have a hot dog camp out in an open air vineyard with some dork dressed like Grizzly Adams. Gia, however, doesn't shop at Lands End. Instead, she spiffs herself up like Carl Pavano and the rest of the New York Yankees are coming by to take her out to the Stone Pony for vodka stingers and an 8-ball of blow. Jake crams her onto his moped and drives her...about a hundred feet away from the other girls. Once semi-secluded, they play... Hide and Seek? C'mon Fliess; is this all ya got? Some New York fashionista traipsing around a vineyard in stiletto heels being chased by your own pet jackass? If that wasn't dumb enough, he orders them to get gassed on some cheap California jug-wine and play Spin-The-Bottle. Fleiss must think we're all pining away for our lost adolescences'. The only thing missing is the part where Jake punches her in the arm and runs away in terror. All I can say is that Gia must have really wanted the exposure. Obediently, she plays the wallflower and tells Jake what a nerd she was in school: "People used to steal my backpack everyday!" Yeah, so the boys could drag it into the bathroom and worship it like the Shroud of Turin. Anyway, Joke finally pulls her over to a firepit so he can demonstrate his rugged, manly, outdoorsy skills of being able to light a fire with nothing more then a Duralog and a lighter. Wow, Daniel Boone Lives! He then stuffed her with hot dogs and smores. This looked about as organic as Joy Behar's face. Once he got her drunk enough on wine and nauseous enough on camp food, they do some kissing. Gia winks at the camera and informs us that it was the best kiss she's had in the last ten minutes or something like that. Not content to merely pretend to be a wallflower, she even agrees to act like a moron: "Wow, I can see the sky," she slurs in wonderment. "We don't get to see the sky in New York." Uh-huh, I guess during those bikini photo shoots in the Seychelles they don't let her look up. He roses her, but not before the other girls, all now thoroughly bombed, bark like dogs. Davy Crockett's eyes seize with terror: "Is that a coyote?!" Yeah, those famous California Coyotes. Apparently Gia wasn't the only one willing to act like a moron. Date over.


Pepto-Pismo!

After his exhausting camp out with Gia the pro, Jake peddles up to Pismo Beach for his group date. Joining him are: Long Face Corrie, Blond Ashleigh, Chemical Ali, Watering pot Tenley, Jessie Who?, and that show-stealer her own damn self, Vienna Sausage. I've purposefully neglected to mention the incessant drumbeat of comments from Chemical Ali, Watering pot Tenley, and damn near everyone else about what a hideous snotbag Vienna is because I was so sick of hearing it at this point I was ready to puke. But since there really wasn't much else to say about this date, I might as well. True, Joke got to prove his massive manliness again by shoving a trapped dune buggy all of about six inches because the girls were too lazy to get out and do it their selves. And let's not forget they all went sand surfing. (That means they all climbed up on a dune and fell down a lot.) Fortunately they left pretty quickly and Jake took them to an interesting-looking hotel. I call it interesting-looking because it appeared like the builders hired Fred Flintstone to do the masonry work and Liberace for the interior decorating. Regardless, the woman all shower and dress in black cocktail dresses. Jake starts making the rounds and when he tries to haul the Sausage away, she defers and wants to go last. This gives Chemical Ali a chance to direct another acid bath full of venom at her. Tenley takes advantage of the lull and Jake takes her into a private cave room where he flops into her lap while she recounts the horror of being married. They do make out a lot, which is in fierce contrast as to how he treats Blond Ashleigh. He tells us she's hot but there is no chemistry. Ashleigh is shown poo-pahing the other girls for throwing themselves at the Cheeser, and then, just to make her look nuts, the edit slice and dice starts and makes her look like she's attacking him. Joke squirms under her touch and I doubt his sanity but don't doubt her departure is soon at hand. Finally it's Sausage Time, and Joke spends his time chiding her that she is so unpopular because she's such a bitch. She basically tells him to shut his trap...but does it with a brainless smile so that's ok. Voice overs lets us know Jake see's, "Red flags" with her. The reason for this is so everyone at home can be stunned when he keeps her, and keeps her, and keeps her. Watering pot Tenley gets the rose for making out with him and not springing a leak. Date over.

Massacre at Big Sur

In another example of producer-cruelty, two of Jake's least favorite hotties, Sultry Ella, and Kathryn, who is so unimportant and I haven't even given her a nickname, are set up on the two on one so Jake can drop the atomic bomb on both of them. It's hard to comment on Kathryn, since we've barely seen her, but Ella, acting much too serious about this pap, gets a little dinner before he gives her the bum's rush. He took both women into his cabin at Big Sur and ignored Kathryn like she was a mushroom. Understandably, this pisses her off and when she gets him alone she accuses him of ignoring her since she's been in California. He lies and promises to give her a chance just before he dumps her. But before he polishes her off, he takes Ella outside and dumps her first. Kathryn waits while he packs her off and when he comes back in going through his fake anguish about her friend, she tries to comfort him so he dumps her too. Stunned, she asks, "Are you sure?" Ha ha. Uh, yeah. He deposits her into an SUV and gets some cheese on by wandering around likes he's in agony over these two women he didn't like and then makes like Leif Erickson at the gates of Valhalla and burns the rose like it's an American Flag he dropped. The only thing missing was Wagner. Massacre over.

The Cat's Meow!

The cocktail party starts when Jake wanders in and calls for: "shots!" Jessie Who?, finally earns some airtime for agreeing to trash Vienna to Jake. The conversation went something like this:

J?: "She's basically a shallow, awful person! I thought you needed to know."

Cheesepilot: "Thank you for telling me that. I'm so glad you told me I'm gonna dump your ass!"

Or something like that. Chemical Ali pins him in a corner and probes him about what he's gonna do. He smirks: "It's good I've reached a place with you where nothing has to be said." (Translation: Shut the fuck up!) The last thing we see before the wingman enters tinging his glass is Ali, vowing to rag Jake out of he keeps Vienna.

Rose Fakeus Interruptus

Already safe: Gia the pro, and Watering pot Tenley

Jake comes out and thinking he's short on his cheese-quota for the week, gives the women a stuttering, long-winded string of BS bombs. "I'm practically ready to kill myself because I have to cut any of you!" He then proceeds to try and dump most of them.

1) Chemical Ali--Fared better than her namesake in Iraq this week--but not much

2) Long Face Corrie--ok.

Thirty seconds of fake hemming and hawwing ensue before the Cheeser staggers away in search of the wingman. We're supposed to believe that Harrison, instead of skulking around the corner waiting for the Final Rose Warning as usual, is several rooms away signing autographs for the crew. Joke tracks him down and mumbles and stumbles so incoherently, Harrison finally says: "What are you asking?"

"Do...do I have to give out two more roses?"

The wingman stares at him and then recaps dramatically: "Ok, let me get this straight; are you saying you're sure that none of these women are going to be your wife?"

"Yes."

"Ok, let's do this: we'll take back one rose?"
Huh? He just said he's certain he doesn't want either of them. What's the problem, winger; you need an extra body to get the 50% off deal at Denny's or something?
Harrison digs Jake up a raw green onion for his lapel and then leads him back into the rose room and does his 'last rose of the night' bit.

Jake works up some eye-rain, pauses for forty-five seconds and then whines: "Vienna?"
How surprising.

Jessie Who? hugs him and he tells her: "I...I listened to every word you said and took it seriously." Really? She told you Vienna is a spoiled, loud-mouthed, gold digger! That's your wife material eh? Heheheh. Yeah, this is real. She gets outside and says she can understand him keeping all the other girls but not Vienna.
Blond Ashleigh saunters out of doors and slams both Jake and Mrs. Gold digger with some scathing sarcasm and bawls.

Absurd is clearly not a word in Mike Fleiss' lexicon. Next week? More hate; what else? See ya then.

7 comments:

Sue said...

Captain,

I have to say, I'm NOT feeling this season at all. Something about Jake... not romantic, not passionate, no real connections.... My husband keeps saying he thinks Jake is gay... maybe that’s it.

The date with Gia was embarrassing; here are 2 adults playing hide and seek and spin the bottle?!! These 2 must be the biggest fame-whores ever. Can you imagine in a million years any of Jillian’s final four doing the same? NO WAY. Loved your comment about him punching her in the arm and running away in terror… too funny.

I think I read that Kelly Ripa is even calling him out. Saying he’s like a soap opera actor… and a bad one at that (my addendum). Who is the real Jake Pavelka (uhh, Landrum)? I get no feeling for him as a human being at all!

But the interchange with Chris at the rose ceremony had to take the cake. As he makes his way through the back rooms, all the production assistants scurrying like mice …. I swear it looked like it was all Chris could do to NOT laugh at our hero… He is just way too earnest… and so it goes….

Hilarious (PERFECT incongruous image):
[Joke] makes like Leif Erickson at the gates of Valhalla and burns the rose like it's an American Flag he dropped…

By the by, I did go back and watch Vienna waiting in the wings for her cue to interrupt Elizabeth. It’s as plain as the day is long. Good catch. My god, what are we doing here?!

Your fan, Sue

thndrkttn said...

"Instead, she spiffs herself up like Carl Pavano and the rest of the New York Yankees are coming by to take her out to the Stone Pony for vodka stingers and an 8-ball of blow. Jake crams her onto his moped and drives her...about a hundred feet away from the other girls."

Holy crap! I snorted coffee right out my nose when I read that. Brilliant!

AbbyRose said...

You are spot on this week ~ great commentary!

Loved this about Gia: The only thing missing is the part where Jake punches her in the arm and runs away in terror.

and: "People used to steal my backpack everyday!" Yeah, so the boys could drag it into the bathroom and worship it like the Shroud of Turin.

Hilarious!

It truly is the Ali v. V show. Jake is a minor character along the lines of Jessie and Kathryn this season. He has only a few lines as well as a few cues to cry. That about sums up his role.

Yes, we will see what venom is brought to us on next week's show. Argh!!!

Anonymous said...

Care to examine a different angle to this crapfest? How about this:

Everyone knows that the only reason why Shayne Llamas won during Matt Grant's season is because of her daddy and his bbuddy Fleiss. ABC manipulated the whole affair so that Shayne would get a lot of exposure to help kickstart a career (how has that turned out so far? Hmmmm....).
Reality Steve says in his latest blog that Vienna is a bitchy she-devil, and that is the reason why everyone in the house hates her so passionately. And ABC appears to be going out of their way hiding the real reason why Vienna is so hated.
Why would they do that? Do you think Vienna has some prior connection to the show along the same lines as Shayne? Vienna comes across as a white trash, trailer park living, drunken party girl. What sane man would choose her over the hot babes still left on the show? As much of a loser that Jake seems to be, I just don't see him picking a piece of crap like Vienna. Unless there is a greater power at play. You know, something like ABC manipulation along the lines of the Shayne Llamas fiasco?
I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this.

Anonymous said...

You see,...

Captain Barbarossa said...

As always, thanks for reading and commenting guys. Sue, as always thanks for acting like my promotion agent--you are priceless.

As for anonymous folks wanting me to try and figure out the complexities of the mind of the producers? Are you kidding? You got the wrong blogger.

Is it all a set up? I doubt it only because surely they could have done something better than this if it was all a set up. But...who the hell knows.

AbbyRose said...

The shadow knows......