Oh, lucky me. My DVR decided to cut out the first few minutes of last nights drama travesty so I missed out on all of the recycled crap from last week. That means I have no idea how they dealt with the sinister-sounding 'inappropriate relationship' between Rozlyn the Ho and whatever wandering troubadour Fleiss and Co are trying to say she bundled up with. And considering what a bunch of congenital liars the people who produce this show are, I don't have to try and sound fair-minded and analytical about something less important than the current barometric pressure in Istanbul. They didn't spare me or the audience much though. Sitting through the half-baked, over-hyped direction they decided to go next was akin to putting a loaded nail gun to my skull and opening fire. In lieu of anything real or even remotely tasteful, it was time to launch the semi-annual search for the girl "everyone hates". They sure didn't have to look far to find her either. Considering Jokes jar-of-mayonnaise personality, even watching a hoard of catty bitches in need of medication was downright thrilling.
Things started for me with Chris "Wingman" Harrison taking his leprechaun-sized ass into the Cheesepalace to remind the crazy Cheddar-ettes to be sure and act extra special double-assed psychotic because they won't all get a date every week if they don't get noticed by our hero. His announcement that there will be two, 1 on 1 dates and one group date this week raises the temperature in the room at once and gives Bi-polar Michelle a chance to get the motor on the Bellvue shuttle started early. When Vienna Sausage is announced as the first 1 on 1, last weeks Wholesome Ali begins her quest to get me to rename her Chemical Ali with her poisonous, possessive attitude. Leers of hatred abound as the Sausage heads up to get dressed and then cutaway private interviews show EVERY girl in the house comment on what a twat Vienna is. Well, it's good to see consensus.
Captain America Needs a Midol
The first 1 on 1 date either proves that Jake Pavelka will do anything--and I mean anything--the producers of this crapfest tell him to, or this guy needs to lay off the estrogen supplements. The date begins when the Cheeser rams the Sausage onto his moped and they go canoodle around 'his' house. A helicopter lands and he takes her on a flight into the middle of California nowhere where they land on a bridge over a ravine. During the flight Jake reveals to Vienna that he has a fear of heights--a perfectly understandable phobia for a flier. Once they land, it's obvious its time to go bungee jump. Before they crawl out onto the ledge of the bridge, Vienna lets us know she has a height phobia as well. It must be time for a 'leap of faith'. Wow, they haven't done that since...last season! ZZZZZ. They gear up and step out onto the ledge where Joke whines, cries and does everything but grow a vagina. Snort! While Jake melts down into a Full Mesnick of tears and menstrual cramps, the Sausage 'mans up' and basically holds his trembling hand through the whole jump. Now, you may say I'm being hard on the Jokester here; I mean, a lot of people have a fear of heights and I'm the first to admit that hopping head first off a perfectly stable bridge is not a natural act. But I'm also not a professional pilot either! If I were a passenger on any airline the Chessemachine worked at, I'd be sprinting out of that airport like terrorists were about to open fire. What confidence it must inspire in passengers to know that the pilot of the plane they are about to board is going to start bawling and piss his pants at the first sign of trouble. It's like hiring a lifeguard with a fear of water:inspiring. Their Leap of Faith now safely behind them, Joke changes his tampon and hauls the tanned one back to his chalet to slurp some vino from the biggest wine goblets I've ever seen.They crawl indoors where they stare and talk about not too much of nuthin'. Cheeser ladles out the Velveeta right away: "I've seen a more serious, nurturing side to Vienna today." Uh huh. They get into the pool where Vienna rides his rod and launches this Pearl of BS:"I'm on Cloud Jake right now!" Anyway, they complete the ol' Oklahoma tradeoff: she gives him a boner and he gives her a rose. Bully.
The Joke is on Us
The Jokester now takes a gaggle of his cheddar-ettes to the comedy club of Jon Lovitz so we can see Lovitz waddle around like he wants to be the next Rodney Dangerfield and we can see just why comedy is best left to professionals. Lovitz tells the women they will have to perform onstage not just for Howdy Doody but for a packed house as well. This inspires an instant meltdown by Blond Ashleigh, who obviously doesn't find complete humiliation a barrel of laughs. The girls work on their routines for about five minutes and suck down some 'liquid courage' while a crowd of passer-bys Fleiss has kidnapped wander into the club and take their seats. The women go out one by one and 'perform'. Some show a true compatibility with Pavelka by showing their Corn while others drop f-bombs and try and act like pros. Most revealing was Long Face Corrie, who does impressions of the other girls and spends most of her time flaying the absent Vienna Sausage alive. The other girls all howl with laughter and the Cheeser is just stunned. "It makes me wonder what they're seeing about Vienna that I'm not." I'd say it sounds like all of her except her tits, Jake. Anyway, they all finish up and he takes them to a rooftop wrap party. Perhaps tellingly, Jake seems to spiral down on hearing from every last one of the girls that Vienna is a total crotch rot. Every girl, that is, besides Bi-Polar Michelle, who looks ready unleash her own insanity on him the second she gets him alone. After spending her time on stage predicting that she will rape Jake shortly, the Cheeser doesn't wander too far away with her, but it's far enough. She launches into a rant about just how desperate she is for a husband and then kisses him. He gives her a tepid peck and what little glue she has holding her together melts. She bitches him out for not attacking her and threatens to leave again. Desperate to reclaim some fortitude after that wuss-out at the bridge, le fromage basically tells her to haul ass. Stunned he isn't madly in love with her, she lets him yank her downstairs to a waiting cab, where he ditches her. Back at the party, Watering Pot Tenley gets to tell him she's been married before and has her moment of the week to spring a leak and water the roof, and a constant drumbeat being played by Chemical Ali seeks to form an anti-Vienna faction. Exhausted from the realization that most of the women he's kept are bitchy psychos, Jake announces no rose will be given out and he wanders away looking whipped.
Your (brief) Moment of Sanity
Amidst the circus of covergirls, bitches, and straitjacket models, it says a lot when it takes a Tennessee hairdresser to inject some small amount of sanity into the proceedings. The second 1 on 1 of the night features the Cheeser taking Sultry Ella to Sea World to frolic about with whales, dolphins, and her own kid. In a replay of Jason Mesnick's nauseating Legoland date with older southern belle, Catwoman Stephanie and her daughter, the cheesemachine drags a southern lady he has zero chemistry with to a water park. Way to change things up Fleiss. Compared with about every other woman on the show this week, Ella makes sane and sweet and it's a shame she looks more like Jake's aunt than his girlfriend. Her son is included in a vain attempt to give the afternoon a family feel. Just like the Mesnick date, of course, the rose is never in doubt despite the chemistry issue. You don't really think Fleiss is going to fly some kid out to California so he can watch Captain Camembert dump his mama, do you? It was only truly painful when he went to kiss her; I could hear the banjo from Deliverance again. Ouch. Shame. Nice looking lady who at least acts sincere and sane. I almost forgot I was watching the Bachelor for a minute. Fleiss is about to fix that.
The Vienna Show
No use avoiding it any longer. This entire episode has revolved around Vienna Sausage and the fact that all the other girls in the house hate her guts. Pavelka arrives at last to belatedly knife Elizabeth the Tease for being a cock tease on their last date. Unable to resist, the producers send the Sausage in to steal him away despite having a rose, and film the scene so badly you could actually see Vienna standing in the background on her Mark and waiting for her cue from the director. (Rolls eyes). The Tease retreats in tears and gives Chemical Ali a chance to rip the Sausage yet again. Finally the Teaser comes back out to confront the Cheeser and the producers use the editing axe to make sure any explanation she gives him sounds nonsensical. Jake mimes having some balls and blows her off. Finally--mercifully--the wingman enters and calls the travesty to a halt.
Already safe: Sultry Ella and Guess Who?
1) Gia the pro--compared to almost everyone else, she looked compassionate and sane. Have we entered the Twilight Zone?
2) Long Face Corrie--ok
3) Watering Pot Tenley--Waaaaahhhhh!
4) Chemical Ali--Wholesome to vicious faster than a speeding bungee jump
5) Jessie Who?--If this keeps up, this girl gets to keep her reputation via her total silence.
6) Kathryn--Silent but not deadly (so far)
7) Blond Ashleigh--Comedy is not pretty.
Cut: Elizabeth the Tease who whines and cried a tiny bit, and Ta Da!--Silent Valisha. Congratulations Valisha; you made it! Only her few parting words were ever shown. Might have been as nice as a cupcake or as crazy as Manson--we'll never know. Mute is the best way to go through this show. Well, other than Vienna doing her pole riding and Jake attempting to act like he's interested in Ella, this show added up to about 15 minutes of awkward romance and a one hour and thirty-minute Prozac commercial. How many more of these do I have to watch?
3 months ago