2/22--Controversy? Check! Romance? Nyet!

Despite soaring ratings, if anyone doubts the direction this show has decided to take, last night should have put that puppy to bed. An hour and forty minutes of broadcast footage broke down roughly like this: Needless recapping of things we've already seen: 1o minutes. Shameless plugs of upcoming drunken sorority orgy, Bachelor Pad: 10 minutes. Cheesy, pathetic attempt for amoral show with no conscience to act "charitable": 1o minutes. Focuses on either psychotic loons or girls hoping to rehab their images to be the next Bachelorette: 30 minutes. Ambush hatchet-job on woman accused of being a Hosebag: 20 minutes. Welcome viewing of annual hilarious outtakes that should have been broadcast originally: 5 minutes. Actual time focusing on the possible outcome of the show with dud Bachelor: 5 minutes max. Mentions that he might actually be "in-love" or some happy outcome: 30 seconds or less. Fortunately for executive producer/sleazo-o-matic, Mike Fleiss; they cast some interesting and beautiful women to distract the audience from the fact that their "Star" couldn't carry a knapsack let alone this freak-circus on his back. Cheeser Pavelka was what he has been all season: an afterthought. An empty suit with a nice set of abs, wandering around with a fake laugh and vacant grin on his face. The good news? This sucker is almost over. Thank god!

Sherlock Barbarossa--not!

Ok, I know everyone is really only interested in the hitjob on Roz the Ho and whether or not Ali is the next Bachelorette, everything else is just filler. Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm no detective. I have no idea how much, if any, of the hammering on Roz was real or made-up crap, and I'm not going to lose any sleep over it either. Ali's candidacy to lose the raffle and fill our TV screens and message boards this summer looks secure however. I think I'll just focus on the parts I either liked...or feel like making fun of. You make up your own damn minds about who was lying or not.

Bachelor Pad--Bachelor Gives Back

Wow, let's all get drunk and whore around, shall we? Oh, and when we take a ten minute break from boozing it up in hot tubs and on cruise ships, let's do some charity. That much certainly looked believable, didn't it? British wanker, Matt Grant, and his pre-scripted, bride-not-to-be, Shayne "dalai" Lamas, passing out fruit baskets to starving illegal aliens? Man, that warmed my heart. Perpetual rose-whore, MeAnna Pappas, painting ugly murals and chasing defenseless school children back onto buses for one more flower? Deeply moving. Or Liberace Juan, living up to the mancode by both passing out some charity grub and getting bombed enough to actually kiss a girl? Fulfilling. I would have paid some of my own hard-earned pelf to watch just one of those kids turn to Robbin the Bobbin' and ask, "Who the hell are you?" They should have broke with traditions and brought Watering-pot Tenley out to dance her Disney twist and speak to the kids in her Tickle-Me Elmo voice. That, they might actually have gotten. After all, according to Gia the pro, she "shits rainbows". What six year-old wouldn't be entertained by that? Hell, I wouldn't even mind seeing that myself. Can you just imagine the sales pitch the producers must have used on these kids' parents:

Producer: "We want to film some of our former famewhores painting pictures with your kids?"
Parent: "Que?"
Producer: "Cool. Just sign here and you get a free bag of pears."

Altruism at it's finest.

It was rather fun, I admit, to see that all-time super villain, Greaseball Wes, is back in good graces with his former sleazemates. It's also good to see he hasn't changed his ways either. When he started his intro with the prophetic preamble, "I don't mean to sound like an arrogant prick..." and then told us he's tapping so much tail he's practically dehydrated...just like an arrogant prick would, I knew our 'ol Greaser hadn't changed his spots. It was somewhat surreal to see Nikki the Pageant Queen wander into his orbit drinking and flirting, however. Go on Wes, wail on her! Somebodys gotta. You're the only son of a bitch in this group who seems to know what he wants.

The Apostasy of Bi-polar Michelle

If you didn't believe that Bi-polar Michelle was as crazy as a bedbug, you got your proof, ladies and gentleman. She was so crazy that she doesn't believe you can fall in love on a reality dating show. Get her some Haldol, wingman! I'm sure glad the fifteen women who didn't fall in love on the Bachelor put her in her place too. Ali Fedo...Fedrer...Chemical Ali sure told her a thing or two. Ali sold her soul all night to secure that Bachelorette 6 gig; she apologized to everyone for being a bitch and for choosing stable employment over a dork. As a matter of fact, she sold so hard its time for a new nickname for her. Since she's so easily bought and sold, I'll call her Bowling Ali. It sure as hell beats trying to spell her real name. Gia the pro kept up the sweetheart edit, just in case negotiations fall through, and a whole bunch of the other women either broke their silences about Roz the Ho and a supposed wild affair she had with a producer, or they lied so much they'd be lucky to even be allowed in a bowling alley. You figure it out. I don't care.

The All Too Brief Outtakes

Longface Corrie floating an air-biscuit in the RV; various set malfunctions and twisted tongues; the wingman getting his cheese on by warbling "On the Wings of Love!" (Best version I've heard all year.) And believe it or not, Vienna Sausage, delivering the line of the night in regards to her co-finalist, Watering-pot Tenley: "I think she dreams in cartoon!" Best part of the show.

The Cheese Melts in the Hotseat

They finally dragged the Cheeser onstage so he and Ali could look longingly--but distantly--at each other. He did pop off one surprise however. When asked by the winger if there were any girls he wished he could have gotten to know better, he said: "Cristina." Whoa! One of your Captain's favorites this year was Normal Girl Cristina. And Le Fromage even liked her for the same reason I did: "You're really, really funny! I didn't get to see that part of you until I watched the show." Yeah, you were too busy focusing in on Roz the Ho's tits at the time, Jake. You had a funny, smart one right next to you but you were too blinded by all that trim. Sad in a twenty two year-old, but in a thirty one year-old? Pathetic. And this, my sharp-cheddar friend, is why you are still single and will likely stay that way for a very long time.

Ok, about next week. ABC is still trying to sell the fact that he dumps everyone--which means he doesn't. I just know it's finally the END. Hallelujah!

2/15--The Epic, Headfirst Plunge of the Cheesemachine, part 1

Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka disappears down the rabbit hole on his way to a "romantic" landing in Vienna's Ravine.








You know you've been watching this show for too long when you start cheering for the approaching trainwreck. I think that's why the ratings have been so good this season though. Its like NASCAR fans all gathering around the track to watch a 20-car pile-up. You'd have to be stone blind not to see this one coming. If I'm feeling ghoulish; I can't even guess how Producer/human colostomy bag, Mike Fleiss, and his wingman-stooge, Chris Harrison reacted to this travesty. I can just hear the gales of laughter echoing out of the control truck as Pavelka kept right on keeping on with what might be the biggest bimbo in show history. Watching this from the outside in, there can't be ten people in the audience who can't see this sucker coming a mile away. KA-BOOM! It doesn't even matter if he pulls a Womack and dumps everyone now. He's kept her this far and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel pretty clearly--and the train its attached to as well. Huckleberry Pavelka is about to get trucked on national TV; of course the ratings are huge. People like a happy ending. But they LOVE seeing a fool get his reward. God Bless, America.

One Very Long St. Lucia Commercial

The St. Lucia Committee on Tourism damn sure got their money's worth this episode. If we have to watch a moron get blasted by his own lack of common sense, this was as good a place as any to sit ringside. Beautiful place. After much needless, scripted hype, (including the constant promos of the staged phone call from last weeks escapee and next season's Bachelorette, Chemical Ali) Jake meets the first of his remaining ettes, Gia the pro. Joke stands around on some parapet gazing wistfully out to sea like he just cut one, and Gia slips up behind him and surprises him. She did? "I wasn't expecting you." Tell me, Jake, just what the hell were you doing there being filmed near some scenic railing if not meeting Gia? He was leaning over a railing when she crept up behind him and I was hoping she'd give him a good shove and just get this the hell over with, but no such luck. He takes her across the bay in some john boat where they shop and rub elbows with the natives. Jake tells us he wanted to see how someone from a big city, who dresses as fancy as she does, would mix with a different (read: poorer) culture. Hey, Romeo; you're from Denton, Texas; she's from New York. She gets more culture just stumbling out her front door with a hangover than you get at the local museum. Anyway, they buy some crappy trinkets, eat a coconut, and Jake gets to show why white men shouldn't dance while some local Rastafarians covered some Bob Marley tunes. Gia, to her credit, didn't run away in embarrassment; although I'm sure the locals cacked up a furball laughing at him. He then informs us its time for a "Leap of faith!" Where have I heard this before? Fleiss, if you're trying to save money by reusing cue-cards, ya wanna' knock it off. Have the wingman write some new ones while he transcribes the dirty sex cards that come with this date. Anyway, their daring leap consists of hopping off a four-foot dock. ZZZZZZZ.

Once night falls, Gia tells the camera she is ready to let it all go and tell Jake she is falling for him. But once she was confronted by that toothy grin and vacant eyes, she flinched and shut her mug. This girl has some standards. She doesn't mind screwing him, but that's as far as she's willing to go. The producers, happy to show her place in the pecking order, arrange for a dinner on the beach. Wow. Thanks. That must have cost twenty bucks, Tiki torches included. The Cheeser stares at her and tells her how shocked he was that someone as beautiful as her isn't a complete gashead. "When you stepped out of that limo, I thought, well, here's a glamor girl...but you have depth." Nice. Not content to sound like an insensitive asshole, Jake decides to sound like a conceited one as well: "I always put others ahead of myself." Thank you, Mr. Selfless. If this show were real, she would have dumped that cask of wine she was waving around over his head. But since it's not, he wrestles her into a hammock and whips out the 'ol sexcard from Pimp Harrison. I'm not Shakespeare, but it seems the wingman is in a bit of a rut. "Welcome to St. Lucia!" What, are you the fucking Welcome Wagon here, winger? Anyway, it takes the little elf about a milli-second to say, "Sure!" I look at Gia and a scowl a mile wide comes to my face. What in his entire crappy life has Joke Pavelka ever done to deserve this? She's about to get cheesed. Pavelka, you suck! I hope she cock blocked him. He takes her up to a rose-covered suite and hauls her into a bath tub. Boo! Cut him off Gia! Oh, I can't wait to see how big a crater this guy makes when he hits the ground. Ahem. Date over.

A Caribbean Threesome--Jake, Tenley, and her ex-husband

At the risk of being redundant; this was so sad it was almost funny. Whose brilliant idea was it for Watering pot Tenley and her raw emotions to appear on this show? This poor girl could barely open her mouth without talking about her ex-husband; Jake was practically an afterthought. He meets her in a field near a helipad, where some joint named St. Lucia Tours sported for a helicopter so the Tourism Committee could get its full pennies worth. And what a view we get to see. Breathtaking hardly covers it. They fly around the island and the view was so lovely I almost forgot I was watching this show and seeing a emotionally shattered divorcee go on a date with some dork who was going to tear the scab off that wound shortly. Jake takes her into some bamboo woods for a picnic and Tenley, sounding more like a Sesame Street character than ever, remarks, "I've haven't been on a picnic in years. At least with a boy!" Jesus. Anyway, about all she does is yammer about her ex and all he does is try to suck her face off. It was almost like he was trying to shut her up. Maybe he was. Finally, he hauls her down to the beach to swim a little and make out a lot. Constant private interviews are inter weaved where she sounds hesitant about the Fantasy Suite. Cry wolf much, Tenley? As night falls, Cheeser takes her to some Roman-looking place and starts working on her right away. "I could see us together--you as my wife." Slithering and sleazing like a man with more experience, Jake works her to guarantee a bed partner for the night. Tenley eschews sex talk and focuses on just how deeply she's falling in love with him. "Tenley...she, she just melted my heart." Uh-huh. And hardened your pole, eh, Joke? He moves in with his trump card and takes her for a slow dance under an arch before he whips out the 'ol sexcard. The last we see them is in a private pool making out. Did he score? With Tickle-Me Elmo? Gawd, I hope not. Date over.

The Sausage gets her pound-ing of Cheese

Waltzing down a dock, dressed in super-short shorts, her dark roots and hair extensions showing in the afternoon sun comes that free clinic case, Vienna Sausage. The Cheeser greets her and takes her aboard a sailing skiff. "This was the ship they filmed Pirate of the Caribbean on." So Jake's a pirate now? I-Think-Not! My eyes burn as she puts a eye patch on him and says, "Argh!" Fleiss, you asshole! This was personal, wasn't it?. They goof about and she is as pushy and obnoxious as ever while he plays doormat. At one point she actually licked his face and he returned the favor and stuck his tongue up her nostril. He then gets her to climb up the rigging saying, "We need to conquer one more fear here." No, idiot, its the same fear...and you're a pilot, I remind you again! He then pulls out a plastic sword and makes her walk the plank so they can go for a swim. When she falls off, he pulls up and takes a warm-up dive for that cliff plunge he's going to perform in a few weeks. They frolic around in the water and swim to a private beach so he can ogle her on dry land. "I'm looking for substance here." Sorry, bub, but the only substance you're gonna' find here is what she had Gia buy from the locals when your back was turned. Night falls and over dinner he keeps hard selling to make sure the suite is secured. Ha-ha. Got news for you, Jake; she is gonna go to the suite and break your back! He sizes her up for rings and she dispenses with any ambiguities and tells him she's already in love with him. The cue spoken, out comes the sexcard and he takes her upstairs to the rose-covered room. You can forget all about bathing suits and bathtubs, my friends. Vienna runs straight into the bathroom, slips into a negligee and then shoves him over to the bed where she makes it clear she's gonna' assault Jake's vagina...and he's gonna' love it! Date over.

Ali Calls Jake

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Ok, ok, I'll quit nitpicking her Fleiss if you promise not to stage anymore bullshit scenes and I don't have to see her again until the next Bachelorette. Gawd, this was just pathetic...even for this show. We're supposed to believe that Ali lounges around San Francisco in a stolen hotel bathrobe with 8x10 glossies of Jake in his Captain Cheeseball outfit on her night table pining away? Stock footage notwithstanding, Jake and Ali both might have just won a Razzy Award for bad acting. This was so embarrassing its hardly worth re-telling. They are trying to rehab her image amongst the disgruntled by making it seem like she was trying to come back to the show, but no one with an IQ over room temperature is gonna' buy this. When Jake hemmed and mewled and then finally told her to get lost, he just had to add: "It's been a week; I've moved on with the other girls." This was supposed to help? He spent one-whole-day with the other girls and now he has fallen out of love with Ali? Hey ladies who are dumb enough to believe a word Jake says; now you know that the expiration date on Jake's love is shorter than the one on the gallon of milk in your fridge. I actually felt sorry for Ali here. She didn't appear sufficiently crushed I guess, so for her final scene they teased her hair out like the Bride of Frankenstein and made her snort a couple of pounds of crushed onion fumes. Hey, Fleiss; you just made your next Bachelorette look like a Baker Act case. Nice move. Hey Ali; watch this tape before you sign on the dotted line.

Rose Ceremony

Gia got dumped. Details? Ok. She was what I'd call, "Sorta upset--a little bit." She stayed classy, telling Jake what a couple of wonderful gals he had left and sweating like a Mafia turncoat. He put her in the limo and never even bothered a Mesnick of any type whatsoever. No more than a head in his hand before he ran back over to Vienna and Tenley and toasted them with gushing joy. Gia was upset in the limo...while the cameras were rolling. I'd say it took her about an hour to get over it, toss on some snazzy clothes, and head out to a St. Lucia nightspot where forty guys broke each others necks for the honor of buying her a drink. Or she called her boyfriend back home and announced her emancipation from purgatory. With this show, I'm coming to expect it every season.

Ok, next week I'll try and be on time. Hey, if you don't like it, I'll refund all the money you paid me. heheh. Anyway, I will suffer the fires of hell to report on the goings on by wasting a couple of hours of my life by watching the Women Tell Nada and reporting back to you just how fake and nauseating it was. Can't beat that with a stick.

2/16--Slight Delay

Due to unexpected issues at work (Read: Cannon battles on the open sea in a boat that looks a lot like Jake and Vienna's lovecruiser) the blog will be delayed a day this week.

2/8-Nice Intuition, Mom

When did it become fashionable for mom's to hate their daughters? Did I miss the memo? I just watched three moms and one dad do everything but shove and kick their daughters toward the emotional cliff that is Jake Pavleka, and bid them to hop off. Five minutes (or three hours; does it matter?) with the cheesemachine and these parents were all urging their children to leap of into the great unknown with some clown who is dating three other girls and 'fall in love'. Either these parents have gone completely insane or their daughters must be total maniacs they can't wait to pawn off on the nearest stranger. You would think Jake was the Prince of Wales or the son of Warren Buffet or something, not just some flight instructor who owns a limo company. Man have we ever hit rock bottom in this country. We've certainly hit rock bottom on this show. The hometown dates usually feature some hellish run-in between the Bachelor and some father or mother who hate them on sight, or at least some snide insinuation of that fact from the editors. Not on this night. That would be fine too--quite welcome actually--if one could be believe the sincerity of the Star of this season. But since Le Fromage has all the credibility of Bernie Madoff with fans, I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop. This felt like the eerie quiet before some temblor hits or some volcano explodes.The smoothest hometown dates in this show's history should tell the discerning viewer that a trainwreck of major proportions is soon in the offing.

No Worms in the Big Apple

First up for the honor of introducing Jake to their family is Gia the pro; waiting for Captain Camembert in New York. Gia was the focus of a lot of pre-show disdain for her scantily clad model shots all over the internet, but the little Yankee elf has steadily maintained one of the best edits this season: shy at times, a little insecure, and nary a bad word for anyone. She's also lived down her history of dating professional athletes and parlayed the bulk of her screen time this episode into transforming the bad boys of the major leagues into weight she's hungering to jettison. Meeting Jake, she decides that since he's in New York, she should treat him like a tourist and mug him. She squeals and lands on 'ol shorty with enough enthusiasm to floor anyone with a higher center of gravity. But Jake recovers and they go on a ferry ride across New York harbor so Jake can act like he's taking pictures and the Fleiss-rat can give us a slideshow of the Statue of Liberty, etc. He also has her pose on the bow of the boat with her jacket off so we can get a look at her hardened nipples. (Thank you, Mr. Fleiss!). A brief talk about her worthless ex-boyfriends follows and then they go to a restaurant to meet her mom, step dad, and brother. Now, I'm going to try and be gentle here, since the family all acted like they cared about Gia a lot. Well, let's just say Gia got all the looks in the gene pool. Can we say that? Sure we can. Mom Donna looked like she was going to hop onto her broom and go and kill Harry Potter or something. And the brother? Well, he looked like he'd gotten his head caught in a Veg-O-Matic in about 1955 by the look of his clothes. Nevertheless, it isn't all about looks and these folks seemed fairly solid. Yeah, true, mom looks like she shops at the Witchy-Poo Crackmart, and playing with the tarot cards at the didn't help much, but the vibe was solid. "Ol Veg-Head even wormed his way into my heart by threatening to break Joke's legs at one point. The only thing that was off was the ease into which the cheesmachine seemed to pull the wool over these people's eyes. Mom and Gia went for a walk and Gia broke down and bawled while mom kept assuring her that she saw true love in Jake's eyes when he looked at her. Do you mean the guy you just met, mom? Your daughter is displaying more sense that you, and that's just not right. Age should bring wisdom, not just fried brain cells.

"He can't love me yet," Gia insists correctly.

Anyway, the family seemed cool despite the looks and I couldn't help liking them. If I wasn't convinced that Gia was just a fairly decent actress collecting a check and some face time, I might have even been inclined to cheer her on. Provided it was someone worth her time anyway. Date brief, and over.

She's in love...with Her Job

Next up is this weeks focal-point gal: Chemical Ali. Ali is going to take us on a strange trip tonight, folks. One minute she's crying and glowing about how much she loves Jake--even going so far as taking him on a tour of her dead granny's house--then she's dumping him over a sales job at Facebook. But before we can get to that incredulous moment, she is going to take us and the Cheeser to meet her family. He blasts us with a few "Amazing Bombs" as he greets her in Massachusetts in autumn. She whines about how she wanted him to come when the stick-like trees had leaves on them. Like Captain America to the rescue, Jake finds a branch low enough to the ground for both he and Herve Villechaize to reach, and shakes some leaves loose because Ali tells him she likes to make wishes to falling leaves. A few fall down and Ali grabs one and wishes for a promotion at Facebook. Then they walk to granny's empty house and she leads him around. This is supposed to be the part where we all get weepy and awed at just how serious Ali is about Jake that she went to ask the blessing of her dead granny. Frankly, I thought it was creepy as hell and set a new low in shamelessness. For those busily pimping Ali as the next Bachelorette, kindly shut the hell up. This girl has looked mean as a snake--floundered and swore undying love--and then dumped the same guy for a crappy job. If we'd needed to get in touch with the dead, we could have skipped the dead Real Estate tour and played a few more hands of Tarot with Gia's mom. Thanks, but no thanks. Anyway, the fake seance over, Ali takes Jake home to meet her mom. Mom has that cardboard look of someone knowing they are on a TV show and is doing her daughter a favor by playing along. Obediently, she also sees love in the Cheeser's eyes and tells Ali its all ok with her. Jake, sensing an easy mark, moves in for the kill and asks mom's permission to pop the question. She gives him the thumbs up and nudges Ali closer to the cliff she's never gonna' jump off of. As Jake drives away, Ali tells us she's fallen in love with him. Date over.

The Weepy, Watering-Pot Clan

Next up is the ever earnest, and wide-eyed innocent divorcee: Watering pot Tenley. She greets the Cheeseball in beautiful Oregon and treats us to her patented eardrum shaking squeal. Tenley gushes but tells her she has some tough questions for the cheese wheel. They sit and chat and she basically wants to know if he lets his mom and dad run his life--just like her ex used to. Sounding like a nadless wimp, Jake confirms that he pretty much runs everything past his parents. Confusing me, Tenley interprets this to mean that Jake is his own man. (huh?) Anyway, she's so pleased she hauls him to a dance studio so she can share her means of expression with him: dance. (And also get in a quick plug to be the next Ette to follow Melissa Rycroft onto Dancing with the Stars.) She is enraptured that Jake will sit there bored to death and watch her twirl about--unlike her villainous ex-husband--who only wanted to drink beer and sauce up floozies, one supposes. I will say this, he does show more animation with her that he did with either Gia or Ali. Up until this point, it's been fake laughs and android-like emotions. After a little more wine, it's off to meet the folks. Jake gets cornered by her dad who mentions he saw Jake's embarrassing performance on the Bachelorette last year, and instead of throwing Jake out of his house like I would have, dad seems impressed by Jake's honesty. What did P.T. Barnum say was born every minute? Sensing a fool, Jake ask permission to marry his daughter and dad is over the moon. Dad and Tenley powwow and poor old dad gets his idiot on by thinking Jake is genuine and he and Tenley both spring leaks of joy. Mom adds her tears to the torrent and Tenley's journey toward the Dark Side is complete. Jake cheeses her mom by asking if Tenley is ready and mom basically says: Not a chance! "She will be feeling the effects of her divorce for quite sometime." Jake nods and completely ignores her. He hauls dad outside and asks permission to pop the question. Dad, apparently desperate to see Tenley happy again, says 'Yes'. Jake is even nice enough to punch himself in the balls to work up some tears to join in. This is starting to look like a Wile E. Coyote cartoon. Are these parents trying to find out how high their daughters will bounce when they hit the ground? The only things missing are the "Help Me!" sign and the puff of smoke when they land. Date over.

The Sausage in Florida

It's off to the climes of balmy central Florida and the home of Vienna Sausage. She meets the Cheddar King in a state park and they go for a boat ride. The only thing we get to see besides some half-tame alligators is Jake asking about how Vienna's dad reacts to boys she brings home. Vienna seems to set a dark tone for the visit by telling Jake that the itinerant crack dealers she usually dates have not been well received. The scene jumps quickly to nighttime and we get to see that for all of Vienna's blather about being a spoiled princess, that her parents live in a very modest home. But as soon as they crest the doorway we do see Vienna's nauseating little dog and dad is there to greet them and he breaks down in tears. (I assume he had just seen Vienna's latest credit card bill.) Spliced interviews let Vienna tell us how bonkers over Jake she is, and dad takes the cheeser out into the man-garage for some tough talk. "Please, please take this money pit off my hands," dad seems to want to beg, but instead he barks about seeing her treated like the spoiled little princess she obviously is. Jake vows to devote his life to paying off Vienna's Gap bill and assorted traffic citations. This pleases pops to no end and so when Jake asks for clearance to fire, dad can hardly wait. Then we get to see the most illustrative moment of the entire episode: When Jake sits with Vienna and her mom, he blames the fact that every other girl in the house hates Vienna is because "They are jealous!" Bang! Boom! Cha! Game over. Hear that Ali, Tenley, Jessie, Valisha, everyone else besides Gia? She wasn't a bitch; you were all just jealous of her! It pleases me to no end to report that no matter how much smoke the other girls throw up when they hit the bottom of that ravine, that it's nothing compared to the yellow mushroom cloud of dust the cheeser's gonna' kick up when he hits the ground. BOOM! Ah, satisfaction at last. Date (and Jake) over!

Ali's Endless, Whining, Death Spiral

The wench queen commented at the very end of this torturous segment that this was a half hour of her life she's never gonna' get back. Hammy, Shakespearean actors have shorter death scenes than Chemical Ali did. It all started when she showed up at his hotel suite and started bawling...and bawling...and bawling. Somebody should have fetched Tenley and her dad. They could have formed a crying tag team. This 'shocking' event lost all steam the second she announced she was going to have to chose between a one-in-four chance of landing him, or keeping her job. At least Drop Dead Ed kept his ass-hauling short last season. There was zero drama to this entire forty minute segment after that first announcement. It started in his suite and carried over into the Rose Ceremony, and it consisted of Ali crying, and trying to get some sign from Le Fromage that he was going to pick her. Jake wouldn't budge beyond telling her that he wanted her to stay, and frankly he acted like she was the one he was going to dump anyway. After the wingman had lined all the girls up firing squad-style and Ali asked to speak with him in private, all we saw was a replay of the scene in the suite, but now done in Jake's stare-at-pics-room. She probed, and he refused to commit, and finally, and I do mean FINALLY, she gives it up. "At last!" My wife cried in triumph. Jake hauls her down to the limo and slams the door on her. She tries to go splenetic and he, lacking a balcony railing to collapse over, has to content himself with the hotel handrail on the front steps. Forced into a Half-Mesnick, Cheeser whines a little as she drives away. The next scene we see, however, (ten minutes or two hours, it doesn't matter) he is beaming at the remaining three women like a relieved loon. So much for the heartbreak of losing her. He happily toasts the remaining gals and announces that next week it's off to St. Lucia.

Ok, friends, this long, slogging marathon of endurance is getting closer to the end. Good thing too, my stamina is draining away as quickly as my cheese-analogy repertoire. Until next time, when we join Wile E. Coyote in the Caribbean as he prepares for his atomic belly flop; this is your old pirate signing off. Arghhhh!

2/1--Snoozefest in San Fran.

I think it's time for Bachelor Executive Producer/Human Compost Heap, Mike Fleiss, to quit looking at how cute, abalicious, and gainfully employed his prospective Bachelors are and find someone with a couple of drops of charisma instead--even if he's a total douche bag. As the cheesecircus wrapped up the RV tour of the West Coast in San Francisco this week, the ladies laid off the cattiness and the producers softened everyone's edit, so it was time at last for the Bachelor, Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka, to take center stage as the Star of the show. And what a boring dork this guy is. It's not enough we have to put up with his disingenuous smiles, fake laughter, and embarrassing cue-card reading; no, not since 'Prince' Lorenzo Borghezi gave eunuchs everywhere a bad name have we seen a guy this embarrassingly lame around women. Considering the premise of this show is that the Star is supposed to be considered the Catch of a Lifetime, this is more pathetic than watching Kevin Federline try and catch a falling piano--but more painful and not half as entertaining.

Gomer Pyle in San Francisco

As the women who survived last week's massacre come rolling into the Bay City in their sole remaining RV, the Cheeser meets them at a 5-star hotel and gives them a tour of their suites. Before he leaves, he fills in for the obviously vacationing wingman, and gives them and us and rundown of this week's schedule. There are to be 2, 1 on 1 dates, and 1, 2 on 1 date with no roses at any of them. He also drops them a date card to get the ball rolling. As he scoots away to wherever he lurks, the gals open the card and we see that Watering pot Tenley will get the first 1-on-1. She emits a few eardrum rupturing squeals and we're underway. Now, I like Tenley. I think everyone likes Tenley; she's the girl with the doe-eyed innocence who can't do a private interview without sounding like a kindergarten teacher with a Barney puppet on her hand. Unfortunately that's about as sexy as she is too. Anyway, once she's done breaking the sound barrier, Jake takes her out for a ride on some old trolley that putters around for tourists. They wander about the city and make their way into a fortune cookie factory in Chinatown. I'm glad there was no stereotyping on this episode. The only thing Fleiss missed here was Jake trying to pick up his cleaning and being told: "No tickee; no laundry!" Ahem, to resume. They get a chance to write their own fortune cookie messages (to be opened later) and these two well-matched nerds both write: "Kiss me!" Tell me this wasn't just screaming out to be a great Vienna Sausage moment. Can't you just picture dinner afterward if Jake had hauled her to that factory; she would have read: Kiss me! and he would have read: "Let's Fuck!" Missed a golden opportunity here, Fleiss. Anyway, night falls and Jake takes Tenley up some famous tower I'm suppose to know all about, but don't, and they have dinner. They also have the first sane, and adult-sounding conversation we've seen all season. Jake quizzes her about her marriage and the lessons she learned. Tenley, sounding a lot less like Tickle-Me Elmo than usual, answers like a woman with a head on her shoulders with some valuable life experience. She also asks him about pilots and faithfulness just to let him know she's no cementhead. He takes the opportunity and lies right through his teeth: "Being unfaithful is a choice. The woman I marry is the last women I'll ever look at." Uh-huh. Maybe the last woman you'll ever sleep with but not look at, Jake. The Dalai Lama couldn't keep that promise. Regardless, they open their Fleiss-scripted cookies and make out. Date over.

The Princess, the Pro, and the Jester

Nothing screams Fairytale Romance more loudly than a winery, one dork, and two pros...er, I mean: a castle with two princesses and one prince. While Jake was reading loaded fortune cookies with Tenley, a date card has arrived back at the hotel. Long Face Corrie, convinced she was such a huge hit at Jon Lovitz's comedy club, breaks out some more stand-up and tells Chemical Ali and Vienna Sausage they got the 2 on 1 date. She breaks down and tells them she was just kidding before the two women claw each others eyes out. Turns out, it will be Vienna but she will be joined by the one woman in the house who doesn't hate her ever loving guts: Gia the Pro. (Call it: Professional courtesy) Jake meets them at winery housed inside a castle. I must say that castle is breathtaking; modeled on 12th century Tudor craftsmanship it sits snuggled in amongst acres of fertile vineyards, but with Jake and these two bimbos along it might as well have been a fancy version of Medieval Times. They all fill their hands with some glasses of vino and he hauls them inside where they sit in front of the CEO's fireplace and Gia falls into her 'wallflower' routine. "I was afraid I was going to be a third wheel." I guess that sounds better than: Vienna was going to be all over him and I couldn't give a shit. Gia sits coolly aside as Vienna; loud, obnoxious and pushy, dominates the conversation, alternating between gushing like a loon and pouting like a babydoll. She rats out Chemical Ali for being a meanie too. Jake finally snatches Gia away where she keeps playing the 'insecure' card. "Gia is the most insecure of the girls left," Jake confirms. Yeah, right. Insecurity--a common affliction of bikini models, right up there with bulimia and compulsive shopping. Anyway, he finds a secluded bench and she plays coy, "I wasn't sure you were into me." Jake lies his ass off so he can maul her. "I have good times with the other women, but not the amazing moments I have with you." They make out, which is the signal for the producers to get Vienna moving. She tests my gag-reflex and wanders around in the well-lit wine cellar--"The dungeon" she calls it--so she can look stalkerish and act 'scared'. "Jakeee, Jakee, baby--it's dark in here!" Yeah, no one else around except a camera team, sound crew, and production staff. Puke! They finally find her and Vienna gets to be all cloying and desperate-acting over him. They settle in for the night and Vienna, who is rooming with Gia, announces she wants to go and see him in his bedroom. Gia explodes in such a jealous rage she...rolls over and falls asleep. Vienna, a camera crew in tow, marches into Jokes well-lit bedroom with two glasses of wine while he feigns being sleepy. She pimps like she wants to sleep with him, but he sends her away. "It was going to stay G-rated; nothing was going to happen," he scoffed later. I hope he didn't think the cameras were going to stop her. Ahem. Date over.

Sacrificing the Virgin

Next up is Long Face Corrie, looking surprisingly pretty. Corrie opines about her chance at last: "I'm the only girl here who hasn't kissed Jake yet. I need the guy to pursue me." Sugar, you are on the wrong show. Jake takes her to a pond for a ride in a rowboat. Constant voiceovers from both of them talk about how behind their relationship is. He paddles her over in front of some cattails and they...stare at each other. Crickets can be heard as the cloud of discomfort grows. Jake sensing that virgin vibe refuses to make his move. Awkward, ain't the word. As the sun sets he takes her to a Natural Museum and they have dinner in front of a massive aquarium. He probes her about a possible future. "If we got engaged, what city would you live in?"
She has a ready answer: "Oh, I'd live in Dallas with you--but I'd have a separate apartment."
"You don't believe in living together before marriage?"
"No."
He scowls and asks sarcastically: "What, are you saving yourself for marriage?"
"Yes."
A quick edit cut lets him stop spluttering and whip out the stock Bachelor answer when confronted by an unexpected virgin: "I have only respect for that. That's not a problem for me, I assure you...I'll just dump your ass and it won't be any problem for me at all." Or something similar. Date over.

A Gal in Love...with Her Town

City-sophisticate, Chemical Ali, considerably less catty this episode, gets the final 1 on 1 date and the card tells her its up to her to plan the outing in "her city." Although the drumbeat between her and Vienna Sausage never completely quieted, its a whisper compared the last three episodes. This allows us to see Ali gush about...San Francisco. This gal loves her climes, no doubt. Dressed in a pretty blue dress and a pair of jackboots (huh?) she hauls Le Fromage about the Bay City like a proud momma. After he buys her some flowers, and she acts like he slayed a dragon for her instead, they end up in some bistro she hangs out in. They talk some and Jake pumps her about moving to Dallas. Looking terribly uncertain, she temporizes, "Don't you love it here? We could keep two places?"( Translation: I'll be leaving my lovely city and moving to your redneck burg when Malibu freezes up like a brick!) She then walks him over to a mighty public public park and rides all over his crotch while they lie in the grass. Most places on planet earth and these two would have been busted. But since it's San Fran, the locals wander past them and never even look. They finish the afternoon with a walk along the waterfront, and for some strange reason we are treated to the sight of a seagull munching on a crab. (Tell your editors to lay off the jagermeister, Fleiss.) She sits on a seawall and he finally asks her about her reaction to him keeping Vienna the week before. She shakes her head and says, "I'm over it. I have no questions. It's none of my business" Hahaha. Not yet anyway. They go spastic and run into the surf and get her jackboots wet. Date over

The Wingman Arrives--Let the Party (and the cliches) Begin!

Lights dim--drums roll--smoke pours into the mansion ballroom--the women squeal and leap to their feet as the wingman comes boogeying inside busting moves like Elvis. No, no, not really. What happened was a lot scarier. Jake's face popped onto the screen and he opened fire on the unsuspecting audience with his cliche-machine gun: ""I have to let one woman go and I have no idea what I'm going to do--I'm so confused--It's killing me--It's really killing me!" ZZZZZZZZZ. He wanders into the room and cheeses the woman with the same exact BS he belted them with on his dates with them. The wingman, back from parts unknown, then has a sit-down with him and he says exactly the same damn things he did about every one of them all show long. The only sliver of illumination was his time alone with Vienna Sausage. He takes her away from the others and into the suite he's been living in and out onto the balcony. An edit cut and he says: "I like Vienna and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've been holding back, but not anymore. I'm going to let myself go!" I'm strongly reminded of the story of the rednecks famous last words: "Hey ya'll, watch this!?" Bon voyage, Cheesemachine. I expected you to be dull and insincere; the fact you're a complete moron is news indeed.

Ring Around the Rosey-Nosed Retard

1) Watering pot Tenley--Should have been a match.

2) Chemical Ali--Just waiting for her moment.

3) Gia the Pro--Check please!

Needless hem and haw--manufactured tears for a girl you've barely kissed and like less than three others at the moment.

4) Vienna Sausage--The ticking of the tabloid bomb grows steadily louder.

Cut: Long Face Corrie. Much to her credit, Corrie looks damn relieved to be out of this. I think she actually started pinching the crap out of herself in the limo to work up a tear or two. Fear not, Young Virgin; you have escaped the nightmare with more than your virginity intact.

Next week: Jake gets dumped...again...until the next time.

See ya!