I think it's time for Bachelor Executive Producer/Human Compost Heap, Mike Fleiss, to quit looking at how cute, abalicious, and gainfully employed his prospective Bachelors are and find someone with a couple of drops of charisma instead--even if he's a total douche bag. As the cheesecircus wrapped up the RV tour of the West Coast in San Francisco this week, the ladies laid off the cattiness and the producers softened everyone's edit, so it was time at last for the Bachelor, Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka, to take center stage as the Star of the show. And what a boring dork this guy is. It's not enough we have to put up with his disingenuous smiles, fake laughter, and embarrassing cue-card reading; no, not since 'Prince' Lorenzo Borghezi gave eunuchs everywhere a bad name have we seen a guy this embarrassingly lame around women. Considering the premise of this show is that the Star is supposed to be considered the Catch of a Lifetime, this is more pathetic than watching Kevin Federline try and catch a falling piano--but more painful and not half as entertaining.
Gomer Pyle in San Francisco
As the women who survived last week's massacre come rolling into the Bay City in their sole remaining RV, the Cheeser meets them at a 5-star hotel and gives them a tour of their suites. Before he leaves, he fills in for the obviously vacationing wingman, and gives them and us and rundown of this week's schedule. There are to be 2, 1 on 1 dates, and 1, 2 on 1 date with no roses at any of them. He also drops them a date card to get the ball rolling. As he scoots away to wherever he lurks, the gals open the card and we see that Watering pot Tenley will get the first 1-on-1. She emits a few eardrum rupturing squeals and we're underway. Now, I like Tenley. I think everyone likes Tenley; she's the girl with the doe-eyed innocence who can't do a private interview without sounding like a kindergarten teacher with a Barney puppet on her hand. Unfortunately that's about as sexy as she is too. Anyway, once she's done breaking the sound barrier, Jake takes her out for a ride on some old trolley that putters around for tourists. They wander about the city and make their way into a fortune cookie factory in Chinatown. I'm glad there was no stereotyping on this episode. The only thing Fleiss missed here was Jake trying to pick up his cleaning and being told: "No tickee; no laundry!" Ahem, to resume. They get a chance to write their own fortune cookie messages (to be opened later) and these two well-matched nerds both write: "Kiss me!" Tell me this wasn't just screaming out to be a great Vienna Sausage moment. Can't you just picture dinner afterward if Jake had hauled her to that factory; she would have read: Kiss me! and he would have read: "Let's Fuck!" Missed a golden opportunity here, Fleiss. Anyway, night falls and Jake takes Tenley up some famous tower I'm suppose to know all about, but don't, and they have dinner. They also have the first sane, and adult-sounding conversation we've seen all season. Jake quizzes her about her marriage and the lessons she learned. Tenley, sounding a lot less like Tickle-Me Elmo than usual, answers like a woman with a head on her shoulders with some valuable life experience. She also asks him about pilots and faithfulness just to let him know she's no cementhead. He takes the opportunity and lies right through his teeth: "Being unfaithful is a choice. The woman I marry is the last women I'll ever look at." Uh-huh. Maybe the last woman you'll ever sleep with but not look at, Jake. The Dalai Lama couldn't keep that promise. Regardless, they open their Fleiss-scripted cookies and make out. Date over.
The Princess, the Pro, and the Jester
Nothing screams Fairytale Romance more loudly than a winery, one dork, and two pros...er, I mean: a castle with two princesses and one prince. While Jake was reading loaded fortune cookies with Tenley, a date card has arrived back at the hotel. Long Face Corrie, convinced she was such a huge hit at Jon Lovitz's comedy club, breaks out some more stand-up and tells Chemical Ali and Vienna Sausage they got the 2 on 1 date. She breaks down and tells them she was just kidding before the two women claw each others eyes out. Turns out, it will be Vienna but she will be joined by the one woman in the house who doesn't hate her ever loving guts: Gia the Pro. (Call it: Professional courtesy) Jake meets them at winery housed inside a castle. I must say that castle is breathtaking; modeled on 12th century Tudor craftsmanship it sits snuggled in amongst acres of fertile vineyards, but with Jake and these two bimbos along it might as well have been a fancy version of Medieval Times. They all fill their hands with some glasses of vino and he hauls them inside where they sit in front of the CEO's fireplace and Gia falls into her 'wallflower' routine. "I was afraid I was going to be a third wheel." I guess that sounds better than: Vienna was going to be all over him and I couldn't give a shit. Gia sits coolly aside as Vienna; loud, obnoxious and pushy, dominates the conversation, alternating between gushing like a loon and pouting like a babydoll. She rats out Chemical Ali for being a meanie too. Jake finally snatches Gia away where she keeps playing the 'insecure' card. "Gia is the most insecure of the girls left," Jake confirms. Yeah, right. Insecurity--a common affliction of bikini models, right up there with bulimia and compulsive shopping. Anyway, he finds a secluded bench and she plays coy, "I wasn't sure you were into me." Jake lies his ass off so he can maul her. "I have good times with the other women, but not the amazing moments I have with you." They make out, which is the signal for the producers to get Vienna moving. She tests my gag-reflex and wanders around in the well-lit wine cellar--"The dungeon" she calls it--so she can look stalkerish and act 'scared'. "Jakeee, Jakee, baby--it's dark in here!" Yeah, no one else around except a camera team, sound crew, and production staff. Puke! They finally find her and Vienna gets to be all cloying and desperate-acting over him. They settle in for the night and Vienna, who is rooming with Gia, announces she wants to go and see him in his bedroom. Gia explodes in such a jealous rage she...rolls over and falls asleep. Vienna, a camera crew in tow, marches into Jokes well-lit bedroom with two glasses of wine while he feigns being sleepy. She pimps like she wants to sleep with him, but he sends her away. "It was going to stay G-rated; nothing was going to happen," he scoffed later. I hope he didn't think the cameras were going to stop her. Ahem. Date over.
Sacrificing the Virgin
Next up is Long Face Corrie, looking surprisingly pretty. Corrie opines about her chance at last: "I'm the only girl here who hasn't kissed Jake yet. I need the guy to pursue me." Sugar, you are on the wrong show. Jake takes her to a pond for a ride in a rowboat. Constant voiceovers from both of them talk about how behind their relationship is. He paddles her over in front of some cattails and they...stare at each other. Crickets can be heard as the cloud of discomfort grows. Jake sensing that virgin vibe refuses to make his move. Awkward, ain't the word. As the sun sets he takes her to a Natural Museum and they have dinner in front of a massive aquarium. He probes her about a possible future. "If we got engaged, what city would you live in?"
She has a ready answer: "Oh, I'd live in Dallas with you--but I'd have a separate apartment."
"You don't believe in living together before marriage?"
He scowls and asks sarcastically: "What, are you saving yourself for marriage?"
A quick edit cut lets him stop spluttering and whip out the stock Bachelor answer when confronted by an unexpected virgin: "I have only respect for that. That's not a problem for me, I assure you...I'll just dump your ass and it won't be any problem for me at all." Or something similar. Date over.
A Gal in Love...with Her Town
City-sophisticate, Chemical Ali, considerably less catty this episode, gets the final 1 on 1 date and the card tells her its up to her to plan the outing in "her city." Although the drumbeat between her and Vienna Sausage never completely quieted, its a whisper compared the last three episodes. This allows us to see Ali gush about...San Francisco. This gal loves her climes, no doubt. Dressed in a pretty blue dress and a pair of jackboots (huh?) she hauls Le Fromage about the Bay City like a proud momma. After he buys her some flowers, and she acts like he slayed a dragon for her instead, they end up in some bistro she hangs out in. They talk some and Jake pumps her about moving to Dallas. Looking terribly uncertain, she temporizes, "Don't you love it here? We could keep two places?"( Translation: I'll be leaving my lovely city and moving to your redneck burg when Malibu freezes up like a brick!) She then walks him over to a mighty public public park and rides all over his crotch while they lie in the grass. Most places on planet earth and these two would have been busted. But since it's San Fran, the locals wander past them and never even look. They finish the afternoon with a walk along the waterfront, and for some strange reason we are treated to the sight of a seagull munching on a crab. (Tell your editors to lay off the jagermeister, Fleiss.) She sits on a seawall and he finally asks her about her reaction to him keeping Vienna the week before. She shakes her head and says, "I'm over it. I have no questions. It's none of my business" Hahaha. Not yet anyway. They go spastic and run into the surf and get her jackboots wet. Date over
The Wingman Arrives--Let the Party (and the cliches) Begin!
Lights dim--drums roll--smoke pours into the mansion ballroom--the women squeal and leap to their feet as the wingman comes boogeying inside busting moves like Elvis. No, no, not really. What happened was a lot scarier. Jake's face popped onto the screen and he opened fire on the unsuspecting audience with his cliche-machine gun: ""I have to let one woman go and I have no idea what I'm going to do--I'm so confused--It's killing me--It's really killing me!" ZZZZZZZZZ. He wanders into the room and cheeses the woman with the same exact BS he belted them with on his dates with them. The wingman, back from parts unknown, then has a sit-down with him and he says exactly the same damn things he did about every one of them all show long. The only sliver of illumination was his time alone with Vienna Sausage. He takes her away from the others and into the suite he's been living in and out onto the balcony. An edit cut and he says: "I like Vienna and I don't care what anyone thinks. I've been holding back, but not anymore. I'm going to let myself go!" I'm strongly reminded of the story of the rednecks famous last words: "Hey ya'll, watch this!?" Bon voyage, Cheesemachine. I expected you to be dull and insincere; the fact you're a complete moron is news indeed.
Ring Around the Rosey-Nosed Retard
1) Watering pot Tenley--Should have been a match.
2) Chemical Ali--Just waiting for her moment.
3) Gia the Pro--Check please!
Needless hem and haw--manufactured tears for a girl you've barely kissed and like less than three others at the moment.
4) Vienna Sausage--The ticking of the tabloid bomb grows steadily louder.
Cut: Long Face Corrie. Much to her credit, Corrie looks damn relieved to be out of this. I think she actually started pinching the crap out of herself in the limo to work up a tear or two. Fear not, Young Virgin; you have escaped the nightmare with more than your virginity intact.
Next week: Jake gets dumped...again...until the next time.
Who's Down with B.I.P.?
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