2/22--Controversy? Check! Romance? Nyet!

Despite soaring ratings, if anyone doubts the direction this show has decided to take, last night should have put that puppy to bed. An hour and forty minutes of broadcast footage broke down roughly like this: Needless recapping of things we've already seen: 1o minutes. Shameless plugs of upcoming drunken sorority orgy, Bachelor Pad: 10 minutes. Cheesy, pathetic attempt for amoral show with no conscience to act "charitable": 1o minutes. Focuses on either psychotic loons or girls hoping to rehab their images to be the next Bachelorette: 30 minutes. Ambush hatchet-job on woman accused of being a Hosebag: 20 minutes. Welcome viewing of annual hilarious outtakes that should have been broadcast originally: 5 minutes. Actual time focusing on the possible outcome of the show with dud Bachelor: 5 minutes max. Mentions that he might actually be "in-love" or some happy outcome: 30 seconds or less. Fortunately for executive producer/sleazo-o-matic, Mike Fleiss; they cast some interesting and beautiful women to distract the audience from the fact that their "Star" couldn't carry a knapsack let alone this freak-circus on his back. Cheeser Pavelka was what he has been all season: an afterthought. An empty suit with a nice set of abs, wandering around with a fake laugh and vacant grin on his face. The good news? This sucker is almost over. Thank god!

Sherlock Barbarossa--not!

Ok, I know everyone is really only interested in the hitjob on Roz the Ho and whether or not Ali is the next Bachelorette, everything else is just filler. Well, I'm here to tell you that I'm no detective. I have no idea how much, if any, of the hammering on Roz was real or made-up crap, and I'm not going to lose any sleep over it either. Ali's candidacy to lose the raffle and fill our TV screens and message boards this summer looks secure however. I think I'll just focus on the parts I either liked...or feel like making fun of. You make up your own damn minds about who was lying or not.

Bachelor Pad--Bachelor Gives Back

Wow, let's all get drunk and whore around, shall we? Oh, and when we take a ten minute break from boozing it up in hot tubs and on cruise ships, let's do some charity. That much certainly looked believable, didn't it? British wanker, Matt Grant, and his pre-scripted, bride-not-to-be, Shayne "dalai" Lamas, passing out fruit baskets to starving illegal aliens? Man, that warmed my heart. Perpetual rose-whore, MeAnna Pappas, painting ugly murals and chasing defenseless school children back onto buses for one more flower? Deeply moving. Or Liberace Juan, living up to the mancode by both passing out some charity grub and getting bombed enough to actually kiss a girl? Fulfilling. I would have paid some of my own hard-earned pelf to watch just one of those kids turn to Robbin the Bobbin' and ask, "Who the hell are you?" They should have broke with traditions and brought Watering-pot Tenley out to dance her Disney twist and speak to the kids in her Tickle-Me Elmo voice. That, they might actually have gotten. After all, according to Gia the pro, she "shits rainbows". What six year-old wouldn't be entertained by that? Hell, I wouldn't even mind seeing that myself. Can you just imagine the sales pitch the producers must have used on these kids' parents:

Producer: "We want to film some of our former famewhores painting pictures with your kids?"
Parent: "Que?"
Producer: "Cool. Just sign here and you get a free bag of pears."

Altruism at it's finest.

It was rather fun, I admit, to see that all-time super villain, Greaseball Wes, is back in good graces with his former sleazemates. It's also good to see he hasn't changed his ways either. When he started his intro with the prophetic preamble, "I don't mean to sound like an arrogant prick..." and then told us he's tapping so much tail he's practically dehydrated...just like an arrogant prick would, I knew our 'ol Greaser hadn't changed his spots. It was somewhat surreal to see Nikki the Pageant Queen wander into his orbit drinking and flirting, however. Go on Wes, wail on her! Somebodys gotta. You're the only son of a bitch in this group who seems to know what he wants.

The Apostasy of Bi-polar Michelle

If you didn't believe that Bi-polar Michelle was as crazy as a bedbug, you got your proof, ladies and gentleman. She was so crazy that she doesn't believe you can fall in love on a reality dating show. Get her some Haldol, wingman! I'm sure glad the fifteen women who didn't fall in love on the Bachelor put her in her place too. Ali Fedo...Fedrer...Chemical Ali sure told her a thing or two. Ali sold her soul all night to secure that Bachelorette 6 gig; she apologized to everyone for being a bitch and for choosing stable employment over a dork. As a matter of fact, she sold so hard its time for a new nickname for her. Since she's so easily bought and sold, I'll call her Bowling Ali. It sure as hell beats trying to spell her real name. Gia the pro kept up the sweetheart edit, just in case negotiations fall through, and a whole bunch of the other women either broke their silences about Roz the Ho and a supposed wild affair she had with a producer, or they lied so much they'd be lucky to even be allowed in a bowling alley. You figure it out. I don't care.

The All Too Brief Outtakes

Longface Corrie floating an air-biscuit in the RV; various set malfunctions and twisted tongues; the wingman getting his cheese on by warbling "On the Wings of Love!" (Best version I've heard all year.) And believe it or not, Vienna Sausage, delivering the line of the night in regards to her co-finalist, Watering-pot Tenley: "I think she dreams in cartoon!" Best part of the show.

The Cheese Melts in the Hotseat

They finally dragged the Cheeser onstage so he and Ali could look longingly--but distantly--at each other. He did pop off one surprise however. When asked by the winger if there were any girls he wished he could have gotten to know better, he said: "Cristina." Whoa! One of your Captain's favorites this year was Normal Girl Cristina. And Le Fromage even liked her for the same reason I did: "You're really, really funny! I didn't get to see that part of you until I watched the show." Yeah, you were too busy focusing in on Roz the Ho's tits at the time, Jake. You had a funny, smart one right next to you but you were too blinded by all that trim. Sad in a twenty two year-old, but in a thirty one year-old? Pathetic. And this, my sharp-cheddar friend, is why you are still single and will likely stay that way for a very long time.

Ok, about next week. ABC is still trying to sell the fact that he dumps everyone--which means he doesn't. I just know it's finally the END. Hallelujah!