2/15--The Epic, Headfirst Plunge of the Cheesemachine, part 1

Jake Cheesemachine Pavelka disappears down the rabbit hole on his way to a "romantic" landing in Vienna's Ravine.








You know you've been watching this show for too long when you start cheering for the approaching trainwreck. I think that's why the ratings have been so good this season though. Its like NASCAR fans all gathering around the track to watch a 20-car pile-up. You'd have to be stone blind not to see this one coming. If I'm feeling ghoulish; I can't even guess how Producer/human colostomy bag, Mike Fleiss, and his wingman-stooge, Chris Harrison reacted to this travesty. I can just hear the gales of laughter echoing out of the control truck as Pavelka kept right on keeping on with what might be the biggest bimbo in show history. Watching this from the outside in, there can't be ten people in the audience who can't see this sucker coming a mile away. KA-BOOM! It doesn't even matter if he pulls a Womack and dumps everyone now. He's kept her this far and I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel pretty clearly--and the train its attached to as well. Huckleberry Pavelka is about to get trucked on national TV; of course the ratings are huge. People like a happy ending. But they LOVE seeing a fool get his reward. God Bless, America.

One Very Long St. Lucia Commercial

The St. Lucia Committee on Tourism damn sure got their money's worth this episode. If we have to watch a moron get blasted by his own lack of common sense, this was as good a place as any to sit ringside. Beautiful place. After much needless, scripted hype, (including the constant promos of the staged phone call from last weeks escapee and next season's Bachelorette, Chemical Ali) Jake meets the first of his remaining ettes, Gia the pro. Joke stands around on some parapet gazing wistfully out to sea like he just cut one, and Gia slips up behind him and surprises him. She did? "I wasn't expecting you." Tell me, Jake, just what the hell were you doing there being filmed near some scenic railing if not meeting Gia? He was leaning over a railing when she crept up behind him and I was hoping she'd give him a good shove and just get this the hell over with, but no such luck. He takes her across the bay in some john boat where they shop and rub elbows with the natives. Jake tells us he wanted to see how someone from a big city, who dresses as fancy as she does, would mix with a different (read: poorer) culture. Hey, Romeo; you're from Denton, Texas; she's from New York. She gets more culture just stumbling out her front door with a hangover than you get at the local museum. Anyway, they buy some crappy trinkets, eat a coconut, and Jake gets to show why white men shouldn't dance while some local Rastafarians covered some Bob Marley tunes. Gia, to her credit, didn't run away in embarrassment; although I'm sure the locals cacked up a furball laughing at him. He then informs us its time for a "Leap of faith!" Where have I heard this before? Fleiss, if you're trying to save money by reusing cue-cards, ya wanna' knock it off. Have the wingman write some new ones while he transcribes the dirty sex cards that come with this date. Anyway, their daring leap consists of hopping off a four-foot dock. ZZZZZZZ.

Once night falls, Gia tells the camera she is ready to let it all go and tell Jake she is falling for him. But once she was confronted by that toothy grin and vacant eyes, she flinched and shut her mug. This girl has some standards. She doesn't mind screwing him, but that's as far as she's willing to go. The producers, happy to show her place in the pecking order, arrange for a dinner on the beach. Wow. Thanks. That must have cost twenty bucks, Tiki torches included. The Cheeser stares at her and tells her how shocked he was that someone as beautiful as her isn't a complete gashead. "When you stepped out of that limo, I thought, well, here's a glamor girl...but you have depth." Nice. Not content to sound like an insensitive asshole, Jake decides to sound like a conceited one as well: "I always put others ahead of myself." Thank you, Mr. Selfless. If this show were real, she would have dumped that cask of wine she was waving around over his head. But since it's not, he wrestles her into a hammock and whips out the 'ol sexcard from Pimp Harrison. I'm not Shakespeare, but it seems the wingman is in a bit of a rut. "Welcome to St. Lucia!" What, are you the fucking Welcome Wagon here, winger? Anyway, it takes the little elf about a milli-second to say, "Sure!" I look at Gia and a scowl a mile wide comes to my face. What in his entire crappy life has Joke Pavelka ever done to deserve this? She's about to get cheesed. Pavelka, you suck! I hope she cock blocked him. He takes her up to a rose-covered suite and hauls her into a bath tub. Boo! Cut him off Gia! Oh, I can't wait to see how big a crater this guy makes when he hits the ground. Ahem. Date over.

A Caribbean Threesome--Jake, Tenley, and her ex-husband

At the risk of being redundant; this was so sad it was almost funny. Whose brilliant idea was it for Watering pot Tenley and her raw emotions to appear on this show? This poor girl could barely open her mouth without talking about her ex-husband; Jake was practically an afterthought. He meets her in a field near a helipad, where some joint named St. Lucia Tours sported for a helicopter so the Tourism Committee could get its full pennies worth. And what a view we get to see. Breathtaking hardly covers it. They fly around the island and the view was so lovely I almost forgot I was watching this show and seeing a emotionally shattered divorcee go on a date with some dork who was going to tear the scab off that wound shortly. Jake takes her into some bamboo woods for a picnic and Tenley, sounding more like a Sesame Street character than ever, remarks, "I've haven't been on a picnic in years. At least with a boy!" Jesus. Anyway, about all she does is yammer about her ex and all he does is try to suck her face off. It was almost like he was trying to shut her up. Maybe he was. Finally, he hauls her down to the beach to swim a little and make out a lot. Constant private interviews are inter weaved where she sounds hesitant about the Fantasy Suite. Cry wolf much, Tenley? As night falls, Cheeser takes her to some Roman-looking place and starts working on her right away. "I could see us together--you as my wife." Slithering and sleazing like a man with more experience, Jake works her to guarantee a bed partner for the night. Tenley eschews sex talk and focuses on just how deeply she's falling in love with him. "Tenley...she, she just melted my heart." Uh-huh. And hardened your pole, eh, Joke? He moves in with his trump card and takes her for a slow dance under an arch before he whips out the 'ol sexcard. The last we see them is in a private pool making out. Did he score? With Tickle-Me Elmo? Gawd, I hope not. Date over.

The Sausage gets her pound-ing of Cheese

Waltzing down a dock, dressed in super-short shorts, her dark roots and hair extensions showing in the afternoon sun comes that free clinic case, Vienna Sausage. The Cheeser greets her and takes her aboard a sailing skiff. "This was the ship they filmed Pirate of the Caribbean on." So Jake's a pirate now? I-Think-Not! My eyes burn as she puts a eye patch on him and says, "Argh!" Fleiss, you asshole! This was personal, wasn't it?. They goof about and she is as pushy and obnoxious as ever while he plays doormat. At one point she actually licked his face and he returned the favor and stuck his tongue up her nostril. He then gets her to climb up the rigging saying, "We need to conquer one more fear here." No, idiot, its the same fear...and you're a pilot, I remind you again! He then pulls out a plastic sword and makes her walk the plank so they can go for a swim. When she falls off, he pulls up and takes a warm-up dive for that cliff plunge he's going to perform in a few weeks. They frolic around in the water and swim to a private beach so he can ogle her on dry land. "I'm looking for substance here." Sorry, bub, but the only substance you're gonna' find here is what she had Gia buy from the locals when your back was turned. Night falls and over dinner he keeps hard selling to make sure the suite is secured. Ha-ha. Got news for you, Jake; she is gonna go to the suite and break your back! He sizes her up for rings and she dispenses with any ambiguities and tells him she's already in love with him. The cue spoken, out comes the sexcard and he takes her upstairs to the rose-covered room. You can forget all about bathing suits and bathtubs, my friends. Vienna runs straight into the bathroom, slips into a negligee and then shoves him over to the bed where she makes it clear she's gonna' assault Jake's vagina...and he's gonna' love it! Date over.

Ali Calls Jake

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ. Ok, ok, I'll quit nitpicking her Fleiss if you promise not to stage anymore bullshit scenes and I don't have to see her again until the next Bachelorette. Gawd, this was just pathetic...even for this show. We're supposed to believe that Ali lounges around San Francisco in a stolen hotel bathrobe with 8x10 glossies of Jake in his Captain Cheeseball outfit on her night table pining away? Stock footage notwithstanding, Jake and Ali both might have just won a Razzy Award for bad acting. This was so embarrassing its hardly worth re-telling. They are trying to rehab her image amongst the disgruntled by making it seem like she was trying to come back to the show, but no one with an IQ over room temperature is gonna' buy this. When Jake hemmed and mewled and then finally told her to get lost, he just had to add: "It's been a week; I've moved on with the other girls." This was supposed to help? He spent one-whole-day with the other girls and now he has fallen out of love with Ali? Hey ladies who are dumb enough to believe a word Jake says; now you know that the expiration date on Jake's love is shorter than the one on the gallon of milk in your fridge. I actually felt sorry for Ali here. She didn't appear sufficiently crushed I guess, so for her final scene they teased her hair out like the Bride of Frankenstein and made her snort a couple of pounds of crushed onion fumes. Hey, Fleiss; you just made your next Bachelorette look like a Baker Act case. Nice move. Hey Ali; watch this tape before you sign on the dotted line.

Rose Ceremony

Gia got dumped. Details? Ok. She was what I'd call, "Sorta upset--a little bit." She stayed classy, telling Jake what a couple of wonderful gals he had left and sweating like a Mafia turncoat. He put her in the limo and never even bothered a Mesnick of any type whatsoever. No more than a head in his hand before he ran back over to Vienna and Tenley and toasted them with gushing joy. Gia was upset in the limo...while the cameras were rolling. I'd say it took her about an hour to get over it, toss on some snazzy clothes, and head out to a St. Lucia nightspot where forty guys broke each others necks for the honor of buying her a drink. Or she called her boyfriend back home and announced her emancipation from purgatory. With this show, I'm coming to expect it every season.

Ok, next week I'll try and be on time. Hey, if you don't like it, I'll refund all the money you paid me. heheh. Anyway, I will suffer the fires of hell to report on the goings on by wasting a couple of hours of my life by watching the Women Tell Nada and reporting back to you just how fake and nauseating it was. Can't beat that with a stick.