7/5--Portugal, on Fast-Forward

Ali's Love Nest of Total Boredom

Man, I better type this quick. I sure wouldn't want to miss a single second of that riveting interview with Jake and Vienna. Everything has obviously gone so well during Ali's season that a full half of a trip to Portugal and the dates that went with it can be carelessly discarded into the nearest bin so we can watch two people few cared about or ever believed would make it six months slam each other like the show had been renamed "Trailer Trash!" Hear me, oh Fleiss: you better start putting some love back into your dating show or you have nothing more on your hands than Rock of Love, and (Hint) it got canceled. I can't imagine 5 people in the U.S. could have watched that interview and not felt the need to take a shower afterward, and one of them was Jerry Springer. Where's your fairytale love, Fleissmonster? But for now, let's focus on the speed dating an extremely disengaged (and suddenly) FAT Ali had in Lisbon, Portugal and every damn castle Fleiss could find short of a Portuguese Medieval Times. The wingman makes his opening pitch on the around the world tour and greets the five remaining guys in Portugal. There will be four lightning-fast dates tonight--three, 1-on-1's, one 2-on-1, and no roses for anyone.

Grouch Roberto Keeps it Shallow

The 1st one-on-one date is for Groucho Roberto, a guy who has looked good, sounded great, and I can't tell you two things about him except he used to get shelled as a minor league pitcher and he needs to work on his Olive Oil Wrestling moves. The date won't help us much either. Ali takes him around Lisbon and we find out the third thing about him: he's a lousy photographer. Picture taking, cable care rides and a visit to the first of several scenic castles, what we actually learn is that the wardrobe people didn't plan on Ali's weight gain. They dress her all night in short skirts and tight jeans and so she can show off her new and mightily expanded caboose. Now before my largely female readership climbs my cage for mentioning the fact that Ali's legs look like Ballpark Franks, I will say that this isn't the first time this has happened. Dee put on weight during her season as well. It's pretty unfair to make these gals go to a gym and work with a trainer for three months before the show starts, and then put them on an 18-hour per day all-alcohol diet for a month. Jillian is the only one of the three Bachelorettes I've seen who didn't plump up, and she obviously has the metabolism of a door mouse. Regardless, what else we learn about Ali is that her cooking skills extend to opening a pizza box. Since gender roles play a part on the show tonight, it's only fair to mention it. She hands Roberto a piece of cheese and comments that basically, she can't make toast and he had better enjoy what she just handed him because it's the only food she'll ever be able to provide. This is Ali's not-so-subtle-way of letting Roberto know that unless he fancies starving to death, he better be a whiz with a microwave or make enough cash to take her out every night. I'm certain the almost-solely female audience couldn't care, but being a man, I have different eyes. Hey, modern woman stuff is ok by me, but would I want a woman like that in a long-term relationship? One that can't be bothered to press the button on a microwave? No. I'm from an older generation, but not a man alive doesn't enjoy a home cooked meal on occasion, even if he has to share the duties. I don't mind doing half the cooking, but since I always take notice of what a guy can bring to the relationship table it only seems fair to focus on the Bachelorette too. So, what does Ali have to offer a guy? Well, from interviews and what I've seen on the show, this seems to be what she wants: kids in 4 or 5 years--no hurry; she wants to work 14-hour days to build a career; then eat out or be served since she can't make jello; then collapse into bed. Ali seems bright and she is good-looking, but I'm hard pressed to feel like I'd be raising my hand to try a long term relationship with her. My opinion, of course. Anyway, her and Roberto talk just a little and make-out a whole lot. What did we learn? Ali, the liberal San Francisco career-girl, can't cook and has no interest in learning. Enlightening. And that's fine. But it would appear that several of her final 5 are family homeboys.


2-On-1 Freezefest and Frankfurter in the Mancave

The 2-on-1 date card arrives and we see Tennessee Ty and Frankfurter, the Human Cartoon will be paired up. This gives Frank the opportunity to whine and bitch a little more that he doesn't get every 1-on-1 date all to himself. Ty grumbles a bit too and this leads us to one of the two most boring dates I have ever seen on this show. Neither Frank nor Ty wants to be on the date, and Ali doesn't appear like she wants to be on ANY dates this week, so the excitement and passion is just blinding. They helicopter to another castle and land in an field about a quarter mile away so Ali can burn a few calories trying to trundle up the slopes with the boys. Once seated, they all stare at one another in supreme discomfort. Ali finally pulls Ty aside so she can grill him about being raised to believe in conservative gender roles and about his failed marriage. Ty says all the right things, but since Ali seems to have no intention of cleaning, cooking, or parenting, this one is easy to see coming a mile away. But since the female audience probably translated Ty's more conservative beliefs from last week to mean: "Barefoot, pregnant, and chained to my stove," I'm sure they could care less. Now it's Frankfurter's turn and he finally fesses up that he is an underemployed retail manager who inhabits his parent's basement. In a private interview, Ali snobbishly implies that she could hold that against him, if she felt like it, but she won't. Hey, maybe Frank's mom can cook for both of them. He then asks her to live in a tree with him, which if you think about it, may be preferable to his parents basement. Date over.

Captain Kirk's Bummer of a Time

The sponsor for this date must have been Prozac. Poor Captain Kirk takes Ali to a bar and she is ignoring him so much, Fleiss sends in a carriage to whisk them away to a castle before she falls asleep at the table. He walks her up to the castle turret so she can ignore the scenic view and act like she'd rather be back at the hotel. They sup on the castle roof and Kirk hits her with enough earnest cheese about his dangerous illness to at least get her to smile. They kiss a little but Ali looks like she needs her meds. Fleiss then provides a third-rate mariachi band of sorts to try and add some romance to the evening, but even that falls flat as they seemed to have hired some old sea-hag to sing for them. Good god, Fleiss; was every decent-looking mariachi singer in Portugal booked up? The poor woman looked about 80 and toothless, and her string section looked nearly lifelike as well. This exceptional bummer of a date, over.

Normal Guy Chris Makes His Move

This is the date I think a lot of people have been waiting for. Sooner or later, we were going to need to be shown some reason Normal Guy Chris kept getting roses. But as the date starts, doubts abound from Ali. She lets us know she digs him as a friend but not much else and says that her relationship with him is behind all the others. The producers order up a moped and Fleiss orders her to surrender the driving to a guy who acts like he can't ride a bike. They helmet up and putter away through the Portuguese countryside, but Chris drives so unsteadily and slowly I could have passed him on my lawnmower. Are we supposed to believe this? I could drive a mini-bike better than that when I was 13. But the pitiful performance does give Chris the chance to crack some jokes on himself, for Ali to make an analogy between his slow, timid driving, and the pace of their relationship, and gives her the chance to take over driving without looking like a control freak. She speeds them off to their destination, a winery. Over dinner, things finally heat up; Chris opens up about his mom and family and tells her that mom was so wonderful that the neighbors still stop by with food dishes to make sure him and his dad get something to eat. Wonder if they would mind feeding one more? Anyway, Chris wins even more fans by taking out a bracelet one of his neighbors made for him and giving it to Ali. She praises him for the gift and for waiting to see if they liked each other before he gave it to her. I'm certain many an audience member swooned as Ali talked about the giant leap forward this meant to the them as a couple, but visualizing Ali working as a receptionist for the family landscaping business, whipping up meals for Chris and his dad, or Chris abandoning his family to work in San Francisco as a garbage man so she can go career-building? Seriously? This ends the miserable dates for this week.

Instant Rose Ceremony

No need for cocktail parties, wingman talks or any other nonsense; we need to get to the sleazy interview, so hurry up!
Roses:

1) Normal Guy Chris, San Francisco Garbage Man: Hold the swooning, ladies

2) Frankfurter, the Mancave-Dwelling Cartoon. How many women can you fit in your mom's basement?

3) Groucho Roberto, Microwave King: his unknown life, dreams, desires, and ambitions.

Wingman: "Ali, gentlemen, this is the last rose of the evening. Ali, will you hurry up; its time for the interview!"

4) Captain Kirk, brave victor over the mold monster. Other than that, haven't a clue who this guy is either.

Cut: Tennessee Ty and his backwoods gender-role ideas. What an odd place for those views too: a show about fairytale romance last seen during the reign of Queen Victoria. Go fix yourself a sandwich, Ty and settle in, its time for the interview.

Your Springer Moment: Sausage Versus Cheese; He Said, She Said.

An you thought the break-up of DeAnna Pappas and Jesse, the stoned snowboarder was an overexposed exercise in sleaziness. The producers cut an entire hour from the broadcast so the wingman could do an interview with these two assclowns. As much as I slam the wingman, he is very good at this type of stuff, but it hardly mattered. We learned nothing that hasn't been in the tabloids for a week, and nothing we didn't already know about these two before then. Jake Pavelka is a fake, disingenuous famewhore without an honest bone in his body and Vienna Girardi is an immature, high-maintenance, low-class brat. But even to my man-eyes, Pavelka came off the worse. The first segment of the interview consisted of her slamming him with all-too-believable accusations of being a publicity hound and a rather cold customer. His accusations of her cheating on him fell flat, either proving she is innocent or a much better liar. She was exposed for selling their intimate details to the tabloids for a chunk of change, but she came off much better than him. His lies were so bad, I have trouble believing many people bought them. During the second segment she got to show why living with her would be worse than slamming your head into a grain elevator door however: she whined, drama-queened and interrupted him so much, he finally snapped. Dumb move Pavelka. The second he did it, Vienna collapsed into tears and stormed away screeching about what a terror he is. My wife and sister-in-law both looked at me and said: "He's abused her!" Pavelka, you idiot. I doubt seriously he ever 'abused' her but to lose your temper with a crying woman in front of an all-female audience? Moron. The good news is I think you can quit worrying about wearing that "too perfect" moniker anymore. And what's with this: "You undermined me!" bullshit? You sound like the dictator of a banana republic. Conclusion: Losers, both of them...but especially him.

Conclusion for the Week: One disinterested, morose Bachelorette and 5 guys who are supremely ill-suited for her in every imaginable way all topped off by the some sleazy lowlifes. Yum! Where do I sign up to get onto this show?