The Captain's Off-Season Wrap- Up

Welcome back, my friends. As always, your Captain is humbled by your readership of his silliness and raring to go for yet another over-the-top cheesefest that is heading our way shortly. While I polish my snark sword and load my snark cannons in anticipation of the approaching Bachelor season, it's time to publish a recap of the hijinks and insanity that has occurred in the off-season. So, keep trying to floss that turkey out of your teeth and staring morbidly at the bathroom scale as I go over what has transpired since last we spoke. And there is a ton.

But first, you may have noticed that the Blast still flies the off-season masthead--no Sean Lowe anywhere in sight. It seems the Blasts resident artist, Dee Dreamer, has gone AWOL. Since she has vanished, we'll have to stick to the standard Jolly Roger. I wouldn't worry though, my guess is that we won't be hurting for shirtless Sean Lowe pictures.

Speaking of...

Sean Lowe is the next Bachelor.
Not what you'd call a big surprise. Regular readers of the Blast saw months ago the Sean had bitten whatever bullet he possesses and agreed to the slave-terms offered by world class dirtbag, Mike Fleiss, and agreed to become my next verbal punching bag. How will it go? No idea. Sean is not your bargain basement filler we've had of late, but god only knows why he's doing this. The head shots of the women have already been released ( along with a few promos) and naturally, spoilers already abound. But as always, who knows what is correct. But my readers can relax, the Captain doesn't do spoilers. My other readers can relax too: the Captain never plays favorites either. As much as I like Sean (at the moment anyway) he signed up, and that means he's fair game. See ya in early January, Genetic Marvel.

First, the triumphs

Jason and Molly Mesnick.

Two good eggs I gave unremitting hell to when they got together and then later had to apologize to, happily announced they are expecting their first child together. Congrats, kids! Now Jason's son--who has haunted my nightmares since Deanna's season--will have a little brother or sister to torment. Good for all involved and my best wishes.










Mr. and Dr. Mrs. J.P. Rosenbaum.

The second non-surprise. While I'm normally hesitant to make predictions, this one wasn't too hard. A couple with Real Jobs who returned to normal life and barely waved at Hollywood made it to the altar. True, I found Ashley unbearably boring as the Bachelorette, but said at the time I understood why: she found her guy. While most on this show go on horndog tears, even when the have the one they want picked out (I'm looking at you, Womack!) Ashley politely declined. She stayed sober, out of hot tubs, and together with the guy she wanted. I know,I know; it's unbelievable. She did it! They did it! And good for them.

Maybe they need to cast more Jews?

Now for the Rest

Vino Ben Flajnik and Queen Courtney Robertson

Well they beat my expectations. I gave them three months; they made nine. Courtney, however, had barely parachuted out of Ben's treehouse when she landed in the arms of Racecar Arie Luyendijk, jr.

Why am I not even a little bit surprised?

So, no worries for them. To my knowledge they're both saying its "non-exclusive" so, hey, no biggie. Just two attractive horndogs going at it like fornicating 14 year-olds. Let em alone, kids, they're not worth the effort.









And finally...

Emily Maynard and One-F-Jef Holm.

My, that was quick. By my count that lasted three whole months from the airing of the finale. But still, people are obsessed with them. There are daily "Jef sightings" on some boards while others have been known to light candles at church praying they get back together? Huh? Anyway, I don't do predictions much, and I've never caught more hell than I did for my write-up of their finale since I pretty much called Jef a hairless chihuahua with a bouffant, but are you kidding me? This relationship was belching smoke even before the official break up--Emily was charged with sexting NFL quarterbacks without a license or something, and Jef was being accused of trying to meet up at hotels with his ex. No matter. People have engaged in some of the nastiest online fights I've ever seen over these two. Really? You lost friends over this? Seems a bit odd when the fans seem to care more than the couple does. A three month engagement? How serious we're they from the beginning?

You lost a friend over this? What the hell is wrong with you people? Hello?

Ok folks, there you have it. Oh yeah, Tony and Blakely lasted a month or so. Bully. More exciting was the broadcast of The Bachelor Canada. If you what to see what the Bachelor was supposed to look like, go check it out. Brad and Bianka, good for both of you.

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Emily Finale: Jems and Tinfoilers

Folks, that was a rather incredible day from start to finish. Up until the last ten days I had avoided spoilers and getting caught up in this season--just peeking onto the general areas of the message boards to post my blog link before jogging away. But yesterday, with some medical tests looming that I'd just as soon forget about, I spent Sunday lying around like a lump and dove into the fandom head first to distract myself. Lurking the boards I discovered that the spoilers I had heard whispers of all season were definitely out there, but were fuzzy. I quickly looked at the sleuthing records and hints being tossed out by the Holm family and quickly concluded that all signs pointed toward the coronation of Single-F-Jef as the winner of Emily's whatever. I also quickly deduced that two powerful, opinionated, rage-filled camps had formed (as usual): Team Jem (Jef and Emily), and a load of stalwarts who considered the spoilers and the tweets from the Holm family to be yet another clever producer-inspired disinformation campaign, and had sportingly named themselves Team Tinfoil Hats--Racecar Arie's people. When I started the observations it was early morning and there was excitement abounding--people fighting sleep, counting down to the live finale, expectantly predicting victory for their Team. But during the day, a few hyperbolic tweets from Harrison and the producers had tipped the entire fandom over the edge. By 6 PM, I found myself surrounded by people in tinfoil hats (regardless of their Team), running naked through the corridors and screaming. They're getting married tonight! Emily is pregnant! Chris Harrison will officiate the wedding! etc, etc. etc. Since I had zero emotional investment in the outcome of the season, it was like being the only sober person at a huge party full of drunks. By the time the broadcast started, I felt like I needed a tinfoil hat. But before I don my shiny chapeau to keep Chris Harrison out of my mind, I'd better recap.

Willemstad, Curacao

The Wingman gets the festivities started live in front of a studio audience and quickly rolls the tape. We're back in Curacao, where Emily wanders around her private villa with Little Ricki telling us she is in love with both men but she's uncertain whether to introduce either of them to Ricki. Huh? You're gonna get engaged to some guy but you aren't ready for him to meet your daughter? Yeah, sure. Anyway, Emily and Ricki frolic in the pool before she heads over to meet her family, whom after skipping Brad's disaster season, have consented to take a free trip to Curacao to provide Emily with zero help and some advice she's gonna ignore. 

…His Boy Elroy…

First up is One-F-Jef, who comes strolling up in a white t-shirt, skinny jeans, and his pompadour piled high. Emily greets him looking ten years older than her boyfriend and she leads him inside to meet the family. Jef meets Emily's mother, Susie, her father, David, and her brother, Ernie. Ernie? Anyway, Jef turns on his masterful charm and slathers these folks with buckets of BS. Mom takes Jef aside and shows her 3-pack-a-day voice and an immobile, botox-filled face as she quizzes Jef and naturally, The Master has every answer. Mom lets Jef know that he will need to sleep on the floor by the bed so Ricki can stay in bed with momma. Jef, who's seen less action than a convent nun, nods happily. Now it's big brother Ernie's turn to quiz the hipster. Ernie sits him down and starts growling out some big brother threats from the very corner of his sagging mouth. I stare at Ernie and wonder how god managed to insert all the wonderful genes into one sibling and rendered the other so bereft. Once Ernie started speaking, I was waiting for him to growl for an order of "mustard and french fried taters." Ernie hammers Jef with his Sling blade impersonation, but the Master is undaunted. Slapping every mumbled question back at Ern, Jef dances away nimbly and within moments Ern is ready to hug it out with the hipster. Clearing the big brother hurdle, Jef is next corralled by Pops David, who appeared to have spent the last sixty years stooped over in a West Virginia coal mine. Pops limps over to a couch and sits Jef down to get some smoothness from the Master. Pops sits there like a statue for a few minutes, before he gives Jef his permission to ask for Emily's hand. Emily walks Boy Elroy out and gives him a few tepid, no body contact pecks and sends him on his way with his lunch money.

The Tinfoilers Last Stand

When we return from commercial, Harrison and the audience are back to remind us that this all live, before they roll the tape again. It's Racecar Arie's turn, and Team Tinfoil stands and cheers for their man, but pops has some saltpeter to toss on that particular erection: "I'm not sure why we're even going through the actions of seeing another guy." Yikes! Pops has fallen under the spell of the Master. But worry not, Dear Readers, the standard Meet-The-Parents-Template is back in play this year--the tinfoilers sense that the family will leave the Bachelorette "more confused than ever", and will be zero help at all, and they are right. Arie sits down with the family and babbles but quickly puts the family under his spell too. He breaks the ice by saying he was super skeptical and knew nothing about the show except he used to date one of its producers or something. Arie then hands out a box filled with the roses Emily gave him and mom makes her move and explains why the whole family skipped meeting Brad--"No einey meenie-minie-mo--like you're going through--if you want to marry my daughter." Arie turns on the charm and quickly has mom looking Cougar. Compared to Boy Elroy, Arie looks like a man, and mom's hormones quickly override her previous judgment. Now she is safely no help to Emily. Soon, brother Ernie sits Arie down and he too melts under Arie's powerful European pheromones. Dad falls next like a nine pin as Arie sweeps the field. They never showed Ernie's girlfriend speak with him, but I expect she had removed half her clothes by the time he had smiled at her, so they edited that out. Anyway, Arie takes Emily outside and thoroughly tongues her, and walks away with swaggering confidence. The trap is laid. Emily returns for her advice session and tries to BS pops that she loves both men and he nearly cracks up in her face. "You can love them both, but not really be in love with more than one." Mom sees her indecision and advises "I strongly urge you to wait on any kind of engagement until you see how they interact with Ricki." Fat chance on that. Emily BS's us that she might just do a runner. Fleiss quickly orders Harrison and his quick reaction team to don their ballistic gear and butterfly nets in case she tries to escape. Parents (and Sling blade Ernie): over.

Sure, I'll Marry You…But You Can't Meet My Daughter.

Emily's Default Pose for the Evening

Returning from commercial, Harrison has popped back up and is interviewing and baiting the audience. I assume both the Jems and Tinfoilers were screaming aloud at this point to get on with it. Harrison finally stops cheesing and rolls the tape. We are greeted by a vacillating Emily as she prepares for her date with The Master. They greet each other wandering down the beach and have a quick sit down. Jef pretty much lets her know all the pieces are in place…except meeting Ricki. Emily tries to BS us, and Boy Elroy, one last time that while an engagement might be in the cards, meeting Ricki is not. The Master turns the tables on her brilliantly. "Put yourself in my place…you've found this person who gets you--who completes you--but you haven't met this person's daughter; what would you think?"
Emily mumbles, "I'd think it was weird."
Duh. She now takes Jef to meet Ricki like she always intended to. They now head over to meet Ricki and Emily now hits us with with one, final, cryptic warning of either insanity or unalloyed crap. "If this meeting doesn't go well, it would be the end of my relationship with him, no question." Personally folks, I don't trust a six year old to chose what they want for breakfast, let alone chose my spouse for me. This thing is really built on a foundation of granite, isn't it? But that doesn't matter, because when we return from commercial, Emily takes Jef in to meet Ricki and I see the Master has dark jedi mind powers over children too. Nah, Ricki, who is adorable, is delighted to have another playmate about her age and within seconds they are swimming together in the pool and all is wonderful. Kiddie test complete, Emily shoos Jef away to dress for dinner. He joins her in her suite and whips out a book he got for her, complete with annotated drawings of their "journey" that looked like Little Ricki drew them. Emily is charmed and she sends him away before his curfew expires.

"Evil Barbie"

The Tinfoilers Peg Emily

Harrison is back on stage to bait the audience one last time before the hammer falls and he rolls the tape, queuing himself up as the Master of all relationship advice. We see Emily is no longer vacillating, no longer confused, after sleeping she now has confidence that One-F-Jef is her boy, er man. Harrison drops his web gear, ballistic helmet, and butterfly net and comes striding into her place in a blue linen shirt and they have a sit down. Emily says she is through, Boy Elroy is her guy and she wants things halted. Harrison nods, flashes a thumbs up to the control truck ("Got her!"), and orders her to go and pulverize Arie. We switch to see that Arie has already arrived at their date site and is busy smiling while some islander witch, who popped out of nowhere, is mixing up a Love Potion I think she was going to use on him. Anyway, despite the fact he won't be humiliated by being allowed to get down on one knee, he gets his chance here and more for later. Emily pulls up and stands there like a moron while Arie rubs some love potion on her forearm before he senses something is very wrong. They sit down and she tries to talk and bursts into tears. Arie stares at her like she hit him in the head with a brick. She dumps him…sorta…maybe. The whole thing was pretty cloudy. He got the message well enough to wish her luck and get up and storm off. She chases him down but won't admit she loves Jef more than him and he finally just wishes her luck and angrily hops into the SUV and is carted away. He looks very hurt and totally blindsided but holds it together on the way to the airport. I hit the pause on the remote over the screaming of my wife and make a quick check of the message threads to watch for the reaction. The Tinfoilers explode! Emily is an "evil barbie; a goldigger who landed the kid with the trust fund," etc. They predict she will be pregnant within a day to lock up her claim on that trust fund. I hit play before my wife can kill me as Arie is carted away in a cloud of confusion and uncertainty. We see the audience sitting in silence while Harrison gravely informs us that we will return shortly and I'm powerfully reminded of Killian in the original Running Man.

Harrison Prepares Arie for Disaster

Harrison is back to interview some blasts from the past--J.P. and Ashley, DeAnna Stagliano (nee Pappas) and her brother-in-law, chronic franchise hanger-on, Breakdancing Michael Stagliano--to try and mitigate the predicted Tinfoiler hate flowing at Emily like rattlesnake venom. Fat chance. Once Killian Harrison is done mitigating damage and promoting Bachelor Pad 3, we return to see One-F-Jef go ring shopping. Boy Elroy comes riding in on his Jetson hoverboard like Marty Mcfly and visits Neil Lane's Traveling Hot Dog and Engagement Ring Stand. He quickly picks out a rock the size of Fred Flintstones bowling ball that Emily must have picked out before the season, and heads out.

The Final Rose...in Tijuana?

They held the Final Rose Ceremony in a slum? WTF was that about? After dressing, Emily heads to a Caribbean-colored stage positioned in a high crime slum. Harrison leads her in and then stands around fidgeting nervously while the palooka stagehand is ordered to watch out for drug dealers. One-F-Jef comes in dressed in his suit while Emily voice overs us that she might not accept a proposal. Harrison grabs Jef and hauls him into the slum square, his eyes nervously scanning for criminals, and cuts him loose. Jef walks in with utter confidence and starts yanking more verbal E-cards out his ass. It's yet another masterful, nearly poetic performance of unalloyed bullshit. The Master has the deft touch. He finally sinks to a knee, presents the rock, and pops one out. Emily waits and dithers and finally accepts. They trade some more lip pecks but continue to ensure enough daylight between them to satisfy a middle school dance chaperon. Little Ricki comes running into the slum and Emily reaches down to get her and the new happy family walks away hand in hand. I was waiting for Emily to tell her, "Uh, Ricki-Monkey, you remember when I told you about my friend Jeff here…well he's your new daddy now! Whaddya think of that?" but she doesn't. They walk away while the audience and my wife cheer.

After The Final Rose

I'll keep it short. Arie was brought out to admit he never knew if Emily was with Jef or had pulled a Womack and dumped them both, so he flew cross country to see her and get some closure. He left a journal on her doorstep (which she says she never read) and apparently couldn't close anything out. Finally, Jef actually called him and told him to keep hands off, and that finally ended it. She hands Arie the journal back and he finally goes away while his Tinfoilers cry a mighty river and curse Emily into the depths of hell for scarring one of the greatest human beings who's ever lived and vow never to watch this show again…until next season. Boy Elroy comes out, they see their engagement again, trade a few tepid pecks, and vow the beginning of a new family. The Jems explode in orgiastic joy and swear Romeo and Juliet have got nuthin' on these two lovebirds. Before they can finish expressing their undying love and Ashley can finish shouing at J.P. that they need to beat them to the altar, Harrison is already shouting at us to wash this romantic blech out of our hair and get ready for some Bachelor Pad sleaze, starting tommorow!

Pirate Conclusion: Same as most always; the odds are against them like every couple on this show. Whether the Jems or the Tinfoilers have the true read of their respective peoples, I neither know nor could know. But like always I release them out into the world and promise to leave them alone. I plan on sorta watching, but probably not blogging about, Bachelor Pad this year. But we'll see.
Until (presumably) Sean takes up the Bachelor mantle this fall, I'll see ya then!

Breaking: Source: Sean Lowe is the New Bachelor

Feast Your Eyes Ladies

 

A trusted source--one that speaks rarely--but always speaks factually, is confirming that Sean Lowe will be the next Bachelor this fall. That Fliess and his criminal gang would ask is no surprise, but I'm rather surprised that Genetic Marvel has accepted. Only a few days ago on the Kidd Kraddock radio show, Sean said he had not even been asked.Apparently, the reaction of the fandom and the crowd at The Men Tell All were enough to seal the deal.

So a decent guy has been pegged for the role. The questions are will he lose his decency to the Fleissmonster? Will he be so decent that he is a bore as the Bachelor? Only time will tell. But it looks like Sean will be getting the chance to lose his soul to Mike Fleiss anyway.

Emily's finale is tomorrow night. As always, the pirate will be there to Blast it.

 

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Emily Week 10--The Men Put Me To Sleep

Folks, this is what we get when we have a relatively drama-free season and the douchebag quota is low--The Men Tell All falls from its lofty perch of cheap entertainment and becomes a cheap sleep aid instead. Was there ever any doubt we were going to get both barrels of Overrated Ryan and Kay-Lynn? Nope. And was anyone surprised that most of the show was a highlight reel for the guys who've been chosen to be on Bachelor Pad 3? Nah. Been a rough day here on the pirate ship, so let's keep this as short as One-F-Jef.

Color By Numbers
Harrison, once he finishes smarming the captive studio audience of well-trained seals, shows a clip of him interviewing Emily. They reveal little of interest or anything we don't already know--Ryan is in love with himself; Dug is frightened of women; Kay-Lynn is frightened of going back to anonymity; and Bobble Head Chris is wound so tight he might just burst like a cheap watch spring. Big deal.

The Lukewarm Seat

Naturally this starred the season's two largest douches, Kay-Lynn and Overrated Ryan. But once I saw the clips of Bachelor Pad 3--which appears to be going from merely sleazy to execrable--I realized that the biggest star of the night was Bobble Head Chris. He spent what seemed like an hour in the lukewarm seat seething with a violent temper and whining about love, while the Bachelor Pad highlights showed us that his search for love now consists of bagging as many women as possible. The only surprise was that Ryan apparently passed on the Bachelor Pad offer that was certainly extended to him. But he's such a weirdo, god only knows what that's about. To try and inject some redeeming nature to the show before Emily comes out, Genetic Marvel Sean joins the Wingman so he can actually show us what a decent dude looks like. The women in the audience nearly herniated themselves cheering for him but I noticed Harrison never asked the magic, "Would you be the Bachelor?" question. Probably a pretty strong hint that Roberto is already signed, sealed, and delivered.

Emily Comes Out

She was there to replay the Kay-Lynn argument over Ricki as baggage and she savages him once again. The audience gasps and cheers as she schools his rude ass again. Hardly matters; he got what he wanted--more face time. One gets the impression that Kalon would allow himself to be crucified on national television for attention. Actually it's quite a shame they didn't do that. Anyway, Sean and Emily talk and she never answers his question about why she dumped him. Sean, shrugging, seems cool with it now and keeps it as classy as usual. He thanks her for breaking his heart and showing him what divorce would feel like or something like that.

Bloopers
This was funny? Potted palms and tents they're eating under tipping over? C'mon, Harrison--work on it!

Bachelor Pad 3

Wow. Just wow. Jillian Harris' cheatin' former fiance, Drop Dead Ed is after Pig Snout Jacklyn? Lindzi the Misspelled and Kay-Lynn? What would Harry Cox think? Somewhere in a dumpster, a rat just puked.

What we didn't see
A lot. An entire pantload as a matter of fact. No highlights of the Final Rose Ceremony; no Neil Lane--nada. What that means? Simple. The Wingman spent every other sentence setting up the finales move to Sunday followed by a one hour After the Final Rose--Live! That's one way to keep the ending quiet.

Ok folks. Next up--Curacao again. See ya then.

Emily Week 9: Wild Times in the "Role Model" Suites

Man that was hot, wasn't it? I mean cherry-red, smokin' ass hot! No, I mean Cold, as in Blue, as in frosty, shivering, nut-swellingly blue. Just another example of how Emily Maynard has more sense than just about anybody I've ever seen on this show. Emily has never come across as a prude; although Little Ricki is often portrayed as a religious icon on this show, Emily has never bothered to try and claim she was conceived through an immaculate conception; nor has she tried to con anybody that she's spent the interim six years from the time of Ricki's birth until now, being celibate. She just refuses to publicly bang three guys in one week on national TV. Besides, for any of you huffing about the wisdom of anyone getting engaged without trying out the goods first, remember the history of this show: plenty of people over the seasons have been given time to slip away privately with one (or more) of their suitor/ettes. Did you really think Fleiss was going to show his angelic single mom soiling herself in the Fantasy Suite? Uh, no. He'll let her soil herself in private.(Besides, whether you take a roll in the hay or not, how many of think getting engaged after 7 weeks and three dates is a good idea anyway?) What he will show us is a full thirty minutes of her neverending agony over having to dump anyone. Hey Fleiss; lighten up!

Emily Agonistes

Once the show started, I came to one conclusion instantly: Harrison is already drunk. And I see events at the Rose Ceremony bear me out (more on that later). Twenty minutes were gone before I realized he was a no-show. While the Wingman, and the ABC interns he doubtlessly commands, staged drunken panty raids on the women in this weeks resort, Emily was left alone to tell us how damn miserable this all makes her--gut-churningly, heart-rendingly, butt-clenchingly miserable. This was boring; no Boring; I mean BORING! Jesus, Fleiss; let it go! We get it! She's nice, not a heartless hag. Move on! And by "moving on" he must have thought I meant recap the whole season. Minutes crawl by as I see what I've already seen so Fleiss can warm up the Johnny and Jane Comelatelies to what the rest of us have watched all season. Yeah, I get it. A huge number of people wait every season until the last few shows to join the parade and they haven't a clue who these turds are and why they should care about them. Ok, ok, let's go.

Sean's Immense, Genetically Perfect, Blueballs!

Once Emily is (finally) done moping and crying, first man up is Sean, The Genetic Marvel. Sean becomes the first of three to snatch a colored T-shirt out of the free gift pack and go and meet Emily down on the beach in Curacao. They sit and talk, disrobe to show off their matching genetic perfection, and…nothing. It was a flatline. Emily just sucks as an actress; she's terrible. She loaded him into a helicopter to float out to a private island, and these two looked like they were in church together. Sean never moved close, put an arm around her, nothing. Once they land on the island, it's even worse. They sit down on a blanket and she tells him that his family bus-axled him by telling her that he treats women like "buddies". He tries to defend himself but his family definitely painted him as a commitment phobe. He quickly runs out of things to say and the theme of the date is set: Sean needs to be pressured into admitting he loves Emily. She, the producers, and god knows who else, are determined to get this guy to crack. We're shown a short swim they take before night has already fallen. They start out along the beach sitting on pillows as the interrogation begins. She pokes, prods, cajoles, and works him over for the "L-word". Reeling under the assault, Sean pulls out a letter to Ricki that was doubtlessly inspired by his personal producer who heard about the success One-F-Jef had with his own letter on the hometowns, and reads it aloud. It's sufficiently heartfelt and cheesy without being particularly poetic. With the letter read, the pressure has built, and Sean launches the most reluctant "L-Bomb" I can remember hearing on this show. Emily beams, gives him a few tepid pecks as a reward, and then as quick as a cat, whips out the 'ol sexcard Harrison penned before going on his latest bender. Sean reads the Fantasy Suite invite aloud and quickly accepts. They wander into the suite, put on bathing suits and jump into a hot tub. Sean's eyes (and much else) bug out, but Emily is already hedging in a voice over. "Do I follow my ovaries or stay true to myself…blah,blah,blah." Suffice it to say, Sean's reward stops at getting a good look at her in a bikini and he is then booted out and limps away with his genetically perfect testicles swollen like blue melons, but his hopes (and much else) are never higher. The trap is laid. Which is more than we can say for Sean. Date over. 

Emily's Throbbing, Genetically Perfect, Blue Ovaries!

Say what you will about One-F-Jef, but this kid's got Game. Jef is short, of a very average build that's never seen a gym; he's practically hairless save that awful mop on the top of his noggin, and he's competing against a genetic marvel and race car driving European hottie, but this kid's got the finish line in sight! If you ever want to know how to handle a Bachelorette, my friends, just watch and learn. Jef has bamboozled, charmed, flummoxed, humored, and intrigued Emily from the moment he arrived on his dumb skateboard. He tells jokes one minute with a air of insouciance and confidence, before he waxes poetic with considerable style and earnestness, and then retreats into a sublime indifference to her. Emily vibrates, laughs, is taken aback, and then melts like butter. It's been like watching Ted Williams hit baseballs; Gretzky shoot hockey pucks, or Ali dance around an opponent sticking and moving; just Bravo, Maestro! After watching Emily toy with Sean, this was damn near poetic justice. "We need to bridle our passions." Did you hear that? "Bridle our passions"? Did you hear that shit? Can you believe that shit? We are in a the presence of a master. Some artists work in clay or oils; others in stone or watercolors; Jef works in "Emily". Let's watch the master work:

Jef wanders down the beach sounding realistic, but skeptical. She greets him on a dock and takes him out onto a large sailing yacht. They sit on the yacht and try and talk against the wind and I have to turn my TV up to 11 to hear them. She probes him about his families reaction to her visit last week. She tries to joke but as is his want, Jef switches gears abruptly and asks her a serious question: "Do you think I'd be a good parent?" Emily answers "yes!" at once, but he doesn't let the meaningless platitude slide: "Why?" This is the first of about twenty times he will wrong foot her on the date. Jef lets her fully explain her reasoning and then tells us in a P.I. "Emily and I are this crazy painting that I didn't understand at first. But as I've stepped back I can see the masterpiece develop." Oh, so can we, Maestro. They jump from the boat and he surfboards her to the beach and we can see for ourselves just how much Jef has blinded her. The guy from an unknown religious denomination that starts with a "Mor" and ends with a "mon" should be about a mile out of his league here. He has the most average--maybe even bad--build I've ever seen on a serious suitor on this show; he's short, hairless, and looks like he's going to celebrate his next birthday at Chuck E. Cheese, but he's not only kicking, he's kicking ass! As darkness falls, they head to a set on the beach for dinner. The second they're seated, Jef dives in with deep, earnest questions: Where would we live?; Why are you still single?; Do you think I'm a good fit for Ricki? Emily, exhausted by assault kisses and the normal "You're so beautiful" platitudes, gets to expound on her vision for the future. Jef waits and lets her laud him as a perfect fit for her life. Emily, now sensing she has buttered him up for the big fall, whips out the sexcard and hands it to him, waiting to watch him start panting like a hound so she can slap him down. The master has other plans, however. Jef reads the Wingman's version of Penthouse Forum aloud and returns the bait job on her: "What do I think? I think it would be awesome to forgo our individual rooms…" Then he yanks the rug, "but…I understand that your daughter and our families will be watching this and there's a time and a place. I intend to spend the rest of my nights with you in our own little fantasy suite. So…" (Insouciant shrug).

Emily's jaw hits the table.

"Errr, uh, I'm so thankful you responded that way…" Uh-huh. She does everything but scream, "Are you kidding me? Are you blind--can you even see me?" Ha! In a private interview, we get to see one of those rare, honest (and funny) things on this show. Emily tells us: "He took everything I was going to say to him and turned it back to me. It was very sweet, but at the same time, I wanted to turn him down but he kinda turned me down!" Ha Ha! Learn from the master.
Jef now leads her up to Fantasy Suite where they sit on a couch and make out pretty hot and heavy. Emily waits for his temperature to rise and his trouser snake to take command of his brain, but he thunders on until her ovaries glow blue and then he…abruptly gets up and walks out. She stares agog at him as he limps down the stairs under the pain of an erection and looks back at the suite with a casual flip of his bouffant before he limps off into the night. Emily practically roars in frustration and slams the door before she collapses onto the bed in a swoon, surrounded by a cloud of estrogen. Date…and Emily Maynard…Over.

Arie's Enormous, European, Blueballs!

Oh boy. After watching Jef's amazing and subtle performance of long term seductive skills, this was like watching a chimp trying to solve quadratic equations. Noted European horndog, Race Car Arie, is up next to try his luck. That means he and Emily will say three words, pause, and Arie will ram his tongue down her esophagus. She greets him on the dock and they swallow each others faces before they head out on another, smaller, sailboat and keep tongue-choking each other. I see Fleiss has hired Flipper and his trainer to swim around the couple and scare the shit out of Emily. The tame dolphin shadows them as they swim around and Arie gets to be "protective" and wet hump her under the water. They finally give the dolphin a fish for his troubles and head back to the boat and mumble through some shallow platitudes before they make out some more. Arie pauses making out long enough to list his favorite moments of their "journey", and Emily correctly (and somewhat caustically) observes that all his favorite moments involve kissing. Incorrectly reading her complaint, he tongues her some more. He then lays her down on the boat deck and REALLY has a go at her. During the commercial Harrison dumps a bucket of ice water on him or something and they manage to get them off the boat. Darkness has fallen when we return and we see them head to dinner. Emily, showing some Native American ancestry, has turned as brown as a walnut from the sun while Arie shows his European skin by being burned to the color of a hibiscus and glows in the lamplight with a sheen of aloe smeared all over his face. Emily, once again, tries to move onto deeper ground. "I don't even know what you do? What's a Tuesday like for you?" Arie tries to turn it back to her but finally admits he sleeps in, goes to the car shop, and eats out with his buddies every night when he's in town, which isn't often. Emily frowns. Sensing his chances at the suite slipping away, Arie finally tries to actually talk instead of kiss. Emily gives him the same assurances she gave Jef--she will move to him, no moving to Charlotte necessary. Arie then gives his philosophy on parenting, but I can feel the ending I originally thought was going to happen, slip away. They have great physical chemistry, but Emily looks more and more skeptical as the night progresses and she starts to sound more polite than ensnared. She talks about how good looking he is in a P.I. and says she can't trust herself, so Harrison's last effort to sound like Henry James is never used. Frankly, I thought she held it back out of fear that he would throw her down on the table and take her over the Lobster Thermadore they were eating. Then, in a P.I., Emily starts to cry about having to tell people goodbye. Buzz! That's it. She's made up her mind. An since she was so hurt by Brad slobbering all over Ashley and Chantal on his second season, she is backing off. She might tongue duel with Arie some more in two weeks, but I think she's decided. We'll see. Date over.

Emily Agonistes II

As darkness falls, Harrison has finally gotten off the Charter Boat and makes an appearance. Not even bothering to change out of his Tiki Lounge clothing, he greets her sans his Wingman uniform looking sunsoaked and hung over…and I mean that. They head into the tropical lounge of solitude so Emily can mope and cry, cry, cry. She pouts and whines for 10 minutes as Harrison prods and probes her. At one point, Harrison, fighting to keep his bloodshot orbs open, tries to tell her to gather herself and makes to leave but Emily just goes on and on crying about all of the men. Finally he orders her to watch some videos and lunges for the door. Emily watches the video pleas from each of the men but Fleiss decides to use the trick of only using her watching Sean's video…I think. She is now officially Emily,the Depressed. She cries no matter what guy is shown speaking and mopes. All three guys tell her they love her in the video; Sean, with great naivete; Jef, with romantic smoothness; and Arie, like they've got some unfinished business to attend to (wink, wink.).

The Remains of the Wingman and Jef's Just Not Tall Enough for Primetime

Harrison, just thankful to be on his feet, has greeted the boys as they arrived individually as their videos played. Jef comes first and it's here that Fleiss has decided to needlessly humiliate the guy. Jef shows up in a white dress shirt, dark tie and slacks like he's just arrived on my doorstop with his bike and wants to ask very politely if I've heard of Joseph Smith. But Fleiss orders him to wear dark socks and shoes so he can have the poor guy stand on a box or something so he won't look so short. Don't believe me? Look at the pictures. Arie and Sean both arrive in Island Casual and Harrison lines them up while Emily cries because she's so guilty for laying such a good trap for Sean.

Harrison lines the boys up and hungover or not, he can do his job on autopilot. After one successful take of the usual boilerplate, he backs away for the nearest chair and an ice bag.

Roses:
1) One-F-Jef--Step down off those stilts and go get your rose, little fella. The Master may have this in the bag already.

No Harrison interlude; no need to count to ONE. I think he may have passed out.

2) Race Car Arie--Easily dumped if need be. The prime difference between the Bachelor and Bachelorette. If this were the Bachelor, Arie would win cause he turns her on the most. Mama Emily is thinking with more than her genitals in my opinion. We'll see.

Dumped: Sean, the Genetic Marvel. Totally blindsided and appeared genuinely hurt, but in keeping with the sterling character he actually does possess, he keeps it classy and mans up. He takes it with great pain, but holds himself with dignity. Horny Wendy and about half a million other women race to their Facebooks to offer Sean "comfort."

Can you ever remember a Final 3 who carried themselves this well? Not sure I can.

Ok, Next Week: The Men Tell on Each Other. In two weeks: The Finale and Fleiss wants us to think Emily pulls a Womack of her own and dumps everybody, which means she doesn't.
See ya then.

Emily Week 8: The Hometowns

Howdy Mateys, its week 8 of the saga of Emily Maynard and that means its hometown week. But unlike may visits in the past, this one will go unbelievably well. So well it was damn near boring, especially when the result was never in doubt. Things start with Emily dragging back into her hometown first for a Little Ricki reunion before she darts out for a quick trip around the country to meet the parents of her suitors, and it appears that Emily wants Little Ricki to know that after having two weeks to whoop it up in their free house terrorizing her free nanny, that the Boss is back in town. Emily shows up for the reunion wearing a giant skull shirt to put the fear of god into the little girl. No, I have no idea what that was about, but whatever it was it was good because they kept it short. What it actually was was an excuse to stage a roll call of the remaining men so the late comers to the party can see who she has left. Sans Wingman, Emily recounts the guys so we all get a reminder and off we go.

Cannon Fodder Up First

For her first stop, Emily heads to Chicago, Illinois, home of her least favored boyfriend, Bobble Head Chris. Frankly I'm shocked that Chris survived last week, and from the way she looks when she greets him, so is Emily. Bobble Noggin' greets her in the streets of Chicago. In a Private Interview, Emily hams it up to try and disguise the obvious. "At the last rose ceremony, Chris told me he was falling in love with me, which made me feel so guilty great!" Chris spends his time telling us how Polish he is and acting desperate as usual. They crash in a bar, have a beer, and revisit his meltdown from the week before. Emily makes up a load of crap to try and make him feel better about his acting like a punk the week before. Chris lays out his family and confirms he's a total mamas boy. He drives her over to his non-free house to meet the Polish family. Pops offers up a toast and it's obvious Chris wasn't lying about his dad being born in Poland. Once pops is done doing his Lech Walesa impression, we see that Chris' sisters--one blond, one brunette--are both good looking enough to go the Bachelor. Pops, which seems to be the case with the foreign-born daddies we see, shows the old world common sense by being honest, shrewd, and smart. Chris's blond sister, young as she is, shows a load of dad's common sense too by telling Emily to dump her brother "sooner rather than later." For whatever reason, sis isn't buying any of this. Buzz! Sorry, too many brain cells to be on the Bachelor, sis. Pops, who let the word "love" get lost in translation when he was talking with Emily, sits Chris down and tells him that Emily said she was falling in love with him. Uh, no. Emily is the victim here of trying to be too polite with a non-native English speaker and Chris is the victim of being totally delusional. As night falls, she and Chris hang around outside his Polish house and he launches an "L-bomb" on her and she makes out with his little chick mouth for stroking her ego. Naturally, since we're all out of Greeks, Chris hauls her back inside to dance around with the local Poles and do the Polish version of shouting "Opa!" His fate sealed, date over.

Lets Play Hide the Mormons!

Emily's next stop is St. George, Utah, home of eternal hipster, One-F-Jef. Jef greets us at the Holmstead Ranch (those hidden Mormon's are real cards) and tells us Emily means the world to him. He loads her up into a dune buggy and raises hell all over the Holmstead. He then takes her out to an open field to shoot some clay pigeons. Emily plays the Annie Oakley wallflower and acts helpless with the shotgun until Jef activates the skeet and then she blows them apart like a well-armed Robin Hood, and admits she was lying about not knowing how to shoot. Jef reminds Emily that she will be only be meeting siblings and spouses because his parents are in South Carolina doing Mission Work Charity Work! Buzzzzzzz! Ok, what's with this hackneyed audio editing? Are we to assume that the wonderfully clean cut people from Utah we're seeing aren't Mormons? Who cares!? His folks are on Mission Work; so what? Why is Fleiss acting like this is a bad thing? If the folks we're both in the slammer, we'd hear about it. If his parents were two guys named Bob and Otto, we'd hear about it. How condescending and stupid is this? Jef is a Mormon; BFD. You'd think he was a cannibal the way they censored it. Anyway, Emily arrives back at the Holmstead and is greeted by 10 incredibly clean cut people with 15 children from an unknown religious denomination. Jef's big brother Steve, who shows us what Jef would look like with a normal haircut, toasts Emily with lemonade and hauls her aside for a chat. Steve asks some tough questions and Emily seems to do ok. Skeptical sisters come next but everyone seems to make consesnsus about how this might be possible. They finish the questions and Jef takes her to a quiet spot and reads a letter to her. It's both deep and cheesy, which women love. Can the dark horse win this race? Maybe.

The Dutch Invasion

Next up it's Scottsdale, Arizona; home of European expat, Race Car Arie Luyendyk Jr. and his Dutch clan. The meet out at the racetrack and he comes screaming up in his Indy car. Emily gets donned up in racing gear and Arie takes her flying around the track in his race car. Then they go for a picnic in a park where Arie sets up the clash between his European folks and her hillbilly self--especially his snooty Dutch mama. After getting bucked up on wine, they head out. Awaiting them are his parents, twin brothers, and a sister. After a brief prelude, mom pulls out the Dutch speak and the whole family starts groking in their native lingo, leaving Emily squirming uncomfortably. Mom then asks Emily if she wants to have a chat. I was waiting for Emily to reply, "Sure, as long as it's in English." but she doesn't. She just goes along and mom asks questions about why she and Brad hit the rocks. Emily repeats what she told Jef's family: "I didn't ask the right questions." She tries to win mom over so Emily turns the tables and asks about Arie's travel and career. Mom, who looks like she used to be in ABBA, warms up and all looks well. Arie now sits down with dad and says he's ready to propose. Dad just sorta shrugs and says, Yeah, ok. Its all pretty bland and non-specific, but certainly no disaster. As Arie walks her out, he tells us he is going to marry Emily and that's that. We'll see about that. Date over.

Time to See the Source of all That Genetic Perfection

Dallas, Texas, home of Genetic Marvel Sean is the final stop. Sean meets her in a park with his dogs and walks her around and she sells the potential future for the two of them pretty strongly. But Sean slaps that down by showing just how picky and closed off he can be. She drops the usually fatal "perfect" bomb on him about ten times. Yikes. That's usually the kiss the death. Anyway, they arrive at Sean's parents perfect house and Emily machine guns Sean with about another 400 "perfects." Sean now decides the time has come to drop a dark secret about himself: he still lives at home and he's a pig and has a thing about stuffed animals. Turns out, it's a joke. Har har. Dad Jay sits down both his boy and Emily and by the time its over, the parents are gushing. Sean walks her out and he gets a "bye, honey." He then runs down the SUV likes its an opposing tailback and gets one more kiss for the road. Is Sean this guy? Word has come to light that Sean pretty regularly does selfless acts and never seeks publicity for them. He may be wrong for Emily. He may not be ready for a commitment, but the guy is a solid dude, not just a Genetic Marvel. And hey, if it doesn't work out, there's always Emily's friend from Charlotte--Horny Wendy--who'd be happy to take Sean off her hands. Word has it that she's even named her vibrator "Sean". Hey Now! Date over.

LA and The Wingman Emerges

Back in Beverly Hills, Harrison finally emerges from wherever he lurks and meets Emily at a swank hotel for a sit down. Emily, who is sporting an evangelists wife's hairdo tonight, reports that all hometowns were wonderful. All families were normal, nice, and the guys all looked great too. Harrison prods her about what she's going to do and she starts bawling because she has to cut someone after meeting their families. But she'll manage anyway.

Roses:
Harrison greets the boys and cheeses them half to death. Emily comes in and mumbles a preamble.

1) Race Car Arie--Pushing for the finale. If they get married, mom can even sing Dancing Queen at the wedding.
2) One-F-Jef--the unknown Mormon. The dark horse has really put the spurs to it late.

Harrison interstitial. Quickly counts one and then heads to the bank to cash another ridiculously huge paycheck.

3) Genetic Marvel Sean--never a doubt.

Dumped: Bobble Head Chris--Never had a chance. They sit on a bench out in front of the hotel and he demands an explanation and then gets pissed. Once in the limo, they drive him all over LA so he can mope and the producers can pick on him until he gets really pissed off and shouts that he's ten times the man the other guys are.

Next Week--Curacao. See ya then.

Emily Week 7: Bobble Head Chris's Time of the Month

Your Whining Vaccination

Folks, I'm having to type this to you via my iPad. Ya know why? Because my air conditioning is broken...and I live in Florida...Florida in June. With a broken air conditioner. I'm on this iPad cause if I placed my MacBook on my lap to type like a normal human being, my nuts would melt! Well, there ya go. Hope that got you warmed up for today's recap so when Bobble Head Chris spends the entire episode whining like a giant ovary, you'll be immune. No need to thank me; it's my pleasure.

What an oddball episode this one was anyway. Chris spent the night in the backdrop, bitching, whining, and crying like a toddler while a storm broke about Arie that couldn't have been less interesting. Meanwhile several dudes got one-on-one dates and Captain Obvious reclaimed the helm of this ship and spoilers, which have been non-existent to this point, became completely unnecessary, at least as far as the final 3 are concerned. What was different was a sudden explosion of "Wingman" sightings. This guy is usually as elusive as Bigfoot, but Harrison was snatched from his private lair repeatedly, and doubtlessly exhausted himself this night.

 

The Incredibly Romantic City of Prague.

 

Remember when there used to be a Czechoslovakia? I always pictured the place as soot gray, covered in a permanent haze of pollution from the tank factory, and reeking to high heaven from crumbling, shoddily-built worker flats. Well congrats to the (somewhat) newly minted Czech Republic for not allowing the commies to destroy your architecture or poison your environment beyond repair. When I first heard the show was going to Prague, I laughed. What, were they going to stage dates in the slag heaps or the tank factory? Uh, no. They were going to stage dates in some gorgeous architectural places along scenic rivers that looked more like Vienna (the city, not the worthless fameho) than my mental picture of the Soviet Bloc could ever conjure. Who's the rube now? Showed me Czech people. Or Czechs or whatever. Feels stupid naming a people from such a beautiful country after an outdated financial instrument, but whatever. Those Checks showed my hillbilly ass what a beautiful country they got. Regardless, out comes Harrison for the first of what will be several appearances tonight. He lines the remaining clods up and spells out the date line up: 3 one-on-one dates with no roses anywhere, and 1 group date. No idea what that was about, but definitely a change up. It's at this moment that my tv went out because we needed an update from our local weather schmuck about the tropical storm that was pounding down all around us. Thanks, I could have looked out the window.

 

Wingman Filibuster

 

When we return, Race car Arie and Emily are already on a date and already kissing. Quick inserts let us know that Emily knows Arie has a secret. Apparently Arie used to date a bachelor producer. Woooooo, and he never told Emily about it. Before I can start to digest what this might mean here comes the wingman out in front of the Bachelor Mansion in LA to expound about what it all means. He pounds on about "full disclosure" and shows us a taped sequence where Cassie Lambert--the scarlet producer--set up a camera and talked with Emily about it. Emily feels like Arie hid the relationship from her, blah, blah, etc, etc. For whatever reason, Emily doesn't appear nettled at Cassie in the least, which is weird since she and Cassie have probably spent ten times the amount of time together these past seven weeks than she has with Arie, but whatever. This gives us a chance to see Emily sit with Arie and she prods him to get him to talk. Nada. When we return from commercial, here comes the Wingman again acting like an expository character in a bad novel. He explains what we just saw...BUT...all three people sat down and talked it out deciding it was no big deal, BUT...they didn't film it? Yeah, right. What a load of crap! They bother filming Cassie grilling Emily about how she feels about it, but they don't bother to film all three of them discussing it and use the wingman like a cheesy chorus in a bad Greek tragedy? BS. What really happened? No idea. But who cares. Emily didn't send Arie home and only moments later we see them back on the date alluding to the "bombshell" and laughing. Arie then L-Bombs her early, just to show all is well. Weird. They ride away on the roof of a harbor ferry and Arie grins "I'm on top of the world." No, you're on top of a boat. Date over.

 

Care for Some Cheese to Go With Your Whine?

 

As Arie and Emily finish up their weird date, it's time for Bobble Head Chris to get his panties in the tightest wad of the season and whine, whine, whine. Awaiting the next one-on-one date card to arrive, Chris starts hyperventilating and showing how incredibly STUPID he is. Why stupid? He keeps wondering why he hasn't had a date since Charlotte? Because she likes the other guys more than you, stupid! Kick back, fill your suit, have a beer, and enjoy what remains of the free trips. Geez, what a moron. But blind, or just plain dumb, Chris whines and cries the entire episode showing how out of it he is. The date card arrives and serial profanity expert, John Wolf, calls his own name for one-on-one time. Chris practically soiled his drawers. Chris, my friend, you just lost out to perpetual nobody, John Wolf. It's time to call it a season, bub. Wolf meets her in the city but Emily is already telling us she doesn't much care for the guy. They go for a ferry ride and he proceeds to blame his dad, a slut ex girlfriend and the economic recession for his disengaged attitude. Emily takes him to a John Lennon wall to paint bad pictures and lecture him about censored music. They paint a horrid looking boat and then go to some bars where people put stolen bike locks up to represent their love. Naturally, when Wolf tries to fix their own personal bike lock up, he can't get it closed. "Not a good sign," Emily foreshadows. Yeah. At dinner in a dungeon, Wolf gets to play pin the tale on the sleazy ex-girlfriend to explain why he has been indifferent to Emily. She smiles. Since there is no rose on this date, she can't dump him...yet. Date over.

 

Whiny McCrybaby

 

The group date card has arrived and buuuuuuurrrnnn! Chris's name is on it, along with Dug, the absent father, and Sean the Genetic Marvel. Chris does everything but burst into tears and throw himself out the window. Just to twist the knife, Fleiss sends John Wolf in to brag about how well his date with Emily went. Feeling the need to toss us a curveball, Fleiss now sends Genetic Marvel Sean out into the streets of Prague to make a total nuisance of himself to the locals by running through the street yelling, "Emily!" at the top of his lungs. I was waiting for a local to toss a shoe a him like he was a feral Tom cat. While Chris pouts and whines, Sean chases around the city followed by a camera crew until he finally runs up on Emily loitering in a back alley. Emily worries Sean will get into trouble."Oh, no one will know." and maybe they won't. As silly as it sounds, someone got Courtney out of her hotel last season to go have sex on the beach with Ben. Anyway, Sean takes her to a little cafe where she apologizes for the group date and he takes her back into the alley to finally kiss her like he wants her. He even pins her against the wall and starts hip thrusting her. Hey now!

 

Dug the Unbelievably Lame

Emily greets her mini group date in a village square where all the participants hold umbrellas to staunch the rain of tears Bobble Head is about to throw at us. But Chris's tears aside, no one and nothing will look lamer and more ridiculous on this outing than Dug, the absent father who couldn't teach an 8th grader how to pick up women. They all pile into an open carriage and get rained all over. The boys hold umbrellas over Emily so her make up wont get ruined and they go up a hill to a 13th century castle. Dug practically ruptures himself because he gets to goof around an old castle and to celebrate it, he gives the lamest toast of the season. Emily hauls him aside and gives him one last chance to make his pitch. Dug settles in and acts like Emily has cooties. He sits arms crossed and desperately tries not to touch her. Boy, I hope Dug's kid isn't expecting any advice about women. Frankly, Dug comes off as gay. And filled with seething rage, just under the surface. What a catch this guy is. Emily can't take anymore and she walks him out under the castle drawbridge and tries in her awkward, kind way to dump him. Sensing the axe heading towards his neck, Dug lunges in for the most awkward kiss I've seen in watching this entire franchise. Emily gulps, resets, and tosses him out. Dug walks away stunned and shocks me by holding it together...until he gets into the van, where he melts down and bawls like a toddler. Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! Oh, Dug, your kid will need therapy after this. You would think with Dug now removed, that Chris might settle down a bit. Uh, no. Emily has gone from a 3-on-1 to the always uncomfortable 2-on-1 and to make matters worse, Chris is now up against the Genetic Marvel who, unbeknownst to him, got to dry hump Emily in an alley the night before. Chris is totally outgunned and acting like an insecure bitch. Emily splits them up by producing two keys to a door so she can slip away individually with them. She hands Sean a huge key while Chris is given a small key with no teeth on it. Surprise! Sean's key opens the door and he takes Emily inside for more intense tonsil hockey. Chris goes next and start pissing and carping about not getting a one-on-one. Emily basically tells him "uh, sorry." Chris pouts and they walk out where she sits them down and roses Sean. Chris tosses a snit, his chick mouth quivering and his bobble head bouncing around all over his shoulders. Date over.

 

The Emergence of One-F-Jef

It's taken 7 weeks but here he comes! Perpetual teenager, One-F-Jef, lands the last one-on-one and starts his kick for the finish. Jef has been, at best, a dark horse to this point, and one I can't explain even in those terms. But he comes out front and center tonight, and I certainly can't begin to explain that. What's between these two completely escapes me. Emily is a 26 year-old single mom genetic marvel and Jef is...er, a perpetual teenager with a bad hairdo and the body of an 8 year-old boy. But here he sits and I must now officially brand him a player. Jef made big moves tonight and there is something undeniably sweet between he and Emily, I'm just not sure what. They go first to a marionette shop and play with puppets. Uh, it actually looked like fun and I can't believe I'm writing that but these two sold it. Must be their chemistry together. They play with two dolls as their avatars and Jef drops an Love-Bomb as the voice of the marionette but then drop the "Like" bomb when he speaks as himself. They go into a library that's painted like the Sistine chapel and put on a puppet show that I should rip to shreds, but it was actually sweet. Then they lay on the library floor and make out a lot. Never saw this coming. Date over

 

Let's Whine to the Finish Line

 

The boys come clattering up to the rose ceremony location in some antique cars and we begin a thirty minute Bobble Head meltdown. In between Chris crying and telling the boys he needs to talk with Emily, Harrison is called out yet again so Emily can tell him her mind is already made up and she needs no extra time. John Wolf decides it time to Overrate himself like Ryan and Chris goes completely to pieces. Harrison lines them up and Emily finally wears royal blue and it's all her.

Already Safe: Sean the Genetic Marvel: Player

 

Roses:

1) One-F-Jef: the race is joined at last. Player

2) Race Car Arie: forgiven or not: Player

 

Harrison staggers in looking like he ran a marathon this week, and counts ONE.

 

Chris, who has been standing there like a whore in church, fidgeting wildly, tapping his foot so violently that I expected his bobble head to tumble off his shoulders and come to a stop in front of Emily, finally breaks in, "Emily I need to talk with you!"

She leads him away where he apologizes for acting like a spoiled brat all episode. Frankly, if there didn't need to be 4 hometown dates to film, this guy was toast.

 

They re-enter, but Harrison is simply too exhausted to reset them, so they just line up.

3) Bobble Head Chris: NOT a player. Orgasms in his pants afterwards anyway. Idiot.

 

Dumped: John Wolf. Manages to exit without cursing and for one of the only times this season, departs without crying or embarrassing himself. Maybe we need more indifferent guys.

 

Next week: hometowns and Chris will finally get dumped anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Emily week 6--The Beautiful Highlands of Scot...er, Croatia!

Vacation Calls

Greeting friends. This week the Captain joins you from the balmy coast of Florida, where the Wench Queen requested he put into port in a very low, meek voice. The meat cleaver she had in her hand had no bearing upon my decision to drop anchor either. Anyway, as part of being a good husband, we vacation together in the tropics, but that won't stop Bachelorette watching nor will it stop me from blasting it. Emily must date on, therefore I must follow her to the end of the Earth (or the Balkans anyway) to pester both her and the remaining men who vie for her hand. Notably absent will be her daughter, Ricki-tick, who is back in Charlotte minding their free house and terrorizing her free nanny.

Meanwhile, Somewhere in Central Europe

Things start this geographically challenged episode with Emily wandering around the Balkans spelling out her certainty and confusion about the men who remain. She means to figure out the ones she's unsure about. Which means she's about to chop a few heads off. She wanders the city as the boys make a harbor side entrance to pay back the Dubrovnik Chamber of Commerce for footing the bill for this weeks episode. The boys justifiably ohhhh and ahhh about the beauty of the place and One-F-Jef demonstrates that bouffant-haired skater dudes know dick about Central European geography (and much else I would assume) by staring at the fortress that guards Dubrovnik harbor and wistfully noticing that “it looks just like a castle...” You don't say? Do they need to put a giant sign on the turrets, battlements, and drawbridge that says “This be castle!” to help out nitwit Americans? Anyway, the boys have just finished whining about how they all need the one-on-one date of the week when in walks Emily. She hands Frohawk Travis the date card and hastily departs like Harrison gave her lessons. Travis calls his own name to go look for love "beyond the walls". The geniuses all furrow caveman brows and wonder what this cryptic clue could mean. Uhhh, I'm just guessing here Mensa, but I'm betting a castle might be involved since we saw hundreds of them in the intro. It also appears that the newly single Harrison must have gone on a post-divorce bender and was totally absent. I barely noticed. Hey Fleiss, save a half million year; your palooka stagehand could do the job for less and Siri could do it for free. True, true, computers are not yet cheesy enough I guess.

 

The Frohawk Gets Trimmed

 

Frohawk meets Emily by the harbor with an Mississippian bleat of his hayseed voice and the two 'necks from Mississippi/West Virginia head off into the medieval fortress city of Dubrovnik. They don't make it five feet before they wander inside a (guess?) castle. Man, I'm good. Anyway, she leads him around the city playing tour guide and Fleiss and Co. finally decide to just let her read facts from the Michelin Guide instead of trying to convince us that Emily has a doctorate in World Cultures. They happen upon some tourist trap device called “The Balancing Stone.” Emily tells him that his ability to balance up there while undressing is what will determine his fate in love. Isn't that sweet? Who knew those feisty Croatians had such a streak of romance in them? When not busy defending themselves from, or trying to kill Serbians, Bosnia Herzegovinians and god knows who else, they must be poets. Anyway, the poor dumb stone that Fleiss has created for this stunt stares up at Travis, who mounts it and promptly falls off. Emily pretty much props him up on the rock but Travis quickly bails without peeling off his checked shirt. Emily scowls, “I'm bummed. I was wondering what was under that shirt and I thought I have him the perfect set up." She did. Frohawk boy, you're a douche. Truthfully though, I think Travis has spent too much time around Overrated Ryan, Dug, and the rest of the steroid gang and was afraid to take his shirt off and show off his averageness. Now for your musical interlude for the entire evening.They wander down an ally where some dude in a red fez is sawing away on a three-stringed instrument that was somewhere in between a fiddle and a bass, but it's at this moment that I realize that something weird has been going on: as Emily and Travis wander Dubrovnik I realize I've been hearing Irish music the entire time. Huh? Did Fleiss loose his atlas? Is that dude in the fez the sum total of Croatian folk music? Just weird. And it will get weirder. But before weirdness sets in totally, Emily and Frohawk go to dinner and waste about 15 broadcast minutes that came down to one central theme: Travis is friend card material. Period. Emily hems and haws for 10 minutes to get there but she makes it. Travis shrugs it off and mans up like John Wayne. Heheh, I'm kidding. Travis sits in front of the camera and explodes like an estrogen bomb. Buzzzz! Damnit Harrison, will you get your ass out of the cocktail lounge and get these guys a guidebook? They keep blowing up and melting down and there's no balcony railings anywhere in sight. Clear violation. Anyway, Travis walks away in the rain with an umbrella and bawls...just like the Morton Salt Girl. Oh that's right. SHE wasn't crying. Puke. Date over

 

The Croatian Highlands!

 

Emily meets her groups daters--Genetic Marvel Sean, John Wolf, Bobble Head Chris, Dug!, Arie the Racer, and One-F-Jef--to do a product placement for a new Pixar movie called Brave; as in Pixar owned by Disney who owns ABC. In other words a commercial disguised as a date. Anyway, some Pixar-generated Scotsgirl decides to win an archery contest so she can marry herself or whatever. Very inspiring. And since it's a movie about Scottish self-love, Emily tells the turds at the conclusion of the movie that they will be competing in Highland Games, just like in Scotland. Except they're in Croatia. Which makes sense. Unless it doesn't. Whatever, the boys all dress in kilts and sleeveless black shirts and march out to bagpipe music. Emily insists its got Croatian flavor anyway because Croats ride into battle on donkeys so the boys get to climb aboard a burro in their kilts and get a donkey spine rammed up their sphincters. Damn, I'll bet the Dubrovnik Chamber of Commerce is pissed--forward brave men of Croatia; once more into battle in your kilts and having your rectum wrecked by a donkey spine while a Scot plays Bonnie Scotland on his bagpipe! I think this is known as culture rape, Disney style. Anyway, they finally dismount and hobble around like they've just been sodomized by a herd of bull elephants. Once the pains in their rectums subside, let the games begin! It begins with Bobble Head Chris predicting his own greatness at being a faux Scotsman. Naturally, this means he will be laughable, and he is. They begin with archery and editing makes everyone look like Robin Hood except Chris--who poses, draws and releases like Maid Marion. On a bad day. The arrow arcs about ten feet and misses the target. The others all laugh at him. Up next is some kind of log toss. Chris, after his pathetic effort on archery, volunteers to lead things off and he hefts the log about 5 feet. All the other guys toss it fairly well except 110 pound, One-F-Jef, who staggered around and looked like the log would fall on top of him and crush him. That led to Genetic Marvel Sean, who fired the log so far that it broke on impact. Emily almost lost her breath, "I admit, that was damned impressive." and so it was. Up next was a contest where the men sit facing each other, foot to foot, with a stick between them and each tries to pull the other toward them or the stick out of their hand. Emily draws Chris first and he picks Dug! Dug quickly yanks Chris airborne with minimal effort. The contest ends when Sean yanked Dug up and almost over his head. As a reward, Emily hands out the Bravery Cup to...Chris? It's an award for being a spaz? Maybe I need to look up the word “bravery” again. Anyway, now that every guy gets to see that Emily will faint if they try and sign their son up for football or anything that's icky competitive, or they actually keep score, or where there's no “almost winners”, darkness falls.

 

As the sun sets, they all head to a beautiful place on the edge of the water so she can take her favorites aside, starting with Sean. She reassures him a hundred times over what a genetic marvel he is, but the kisses between these two seem tepid. Next up is Race car Arie and there is nothing tepid going on here. This guy face rapes her every time he's near her and she certainly puts up no fights. Later, he will take a producer prompt and go spend time alone with her after she finishes off Overrated Ryan. No question, this guy is a front runner. While Arie is ramming his tongue into Emily's stomach, back at the resort, Overrated Ryan sits all alone with just enough room in the suite for his body and ego and gets his own date card. Predicting he will be the golden boy of the universe as usual, Ryan goes and cuts some douchy carvings into his douchy beard, to be ready. While Ryan is busy loving on himself, we switch back to the party where Emily decides to award the date rose to Bobble Head Chris to go with Spastic Performance Cup or whatever it was. Chris purses his chick mouth, grins in a self-satisfied and slightly gay manner, and giggles so hard I'm waiting for his bobble head to fall off his unathletic shoulders. We didn't see Sean and Arie look at each other and smirk, but we could have. With the numbers dwindling, Chris is now verging on suit-filler territory here. Date over.

 

Ryan Goes From Overrated to Vastly Overrated

 

Next up, Emily decides it's time to dump the last remaining douche on the show: Overrated Ryan. Frankly I'm too exhausted from watching this hydrogen head tell me how wonderful and blessed he is so I'm not re-watching it just to write this. Suffice it to say that Ryan ambled around looking like an Elvis Impersonator like he always does and presented Emily with a list of demands he requires in a wife and kept calling her a “trophy wife”. True, Emily came out for dinner in a gold dress and when you combine that with her blonde hair, veneered teeth, spray-tanned bod and surgically enhanced bust,she did look like Hugh Hefner's bowling trophy, but the label was stupid, arrogant and uncalled for, just like Ryan. Finally, she dumps him. This is where things got interesting. Ryan, in total disbelief that anyone would dump him, practically bullied her into changing her mind. Kudos to Emily for holding firm. In the van ride of shame, Ryan even has the stones to ask the film crew to edit him fairly and not like an arrogant douche. Yeah, right. You might as well stand out on the beach, hold your arms up and beg the tide not to come in. Date, and my sour stomach from watching this arrogant wad, over.

 

Delaying the Inevitable.

 

At the cocktail party, Emily predicts doom for John Wolf and Dug. That was different. They rarely how us the leads thoughts before the roses come. But actually there's a reason: both guys survive. With John Wolf, it just takes dropping his wall a bit, managing not to cuss, and pulling out the funeral cards of his dead grandparents. Wow, good thing Emily didn't require seeing the bodies. Wolf gets all deep and morbid, and then he chokes up and bawls, proving he's more emotional (if not more interesting) than a bag of brick mortar. True, no balcony railing in sight but he gets a free pass on the buzzer for talking about dead relatives. Dug, the hot-tempered absent father, won't be so lucky. After spending weeks presenting Emily the perfect front while barely concealing his explosive temper with the men, Emily finally corners him and all but demands he start making some moves on her. Dug looks ready to pass out with fear. He's spent 6 weeks avoiding her like he's gay, but with enough pushing, he finally mans up and stops acting like a virgin. Feeling more secure, he goes off to talk to the camera and explodes like another estrogen bomb, presumably about the kid he's ignoring to be here trying to ignore Emily. Buzz! No free pass for you, Nancy. No balcony, no balls, no personality. Harrison finally makes an appearance and puts cheese knife to champagne glass calling off the party in Croatia. I was expecting him to come in playing the bagpipes. Shame.

 

Roses:

 

Already safe: Bobble Head Chris.

 

Flowers:

1) Sean the Genetic Marvel--will you please do something--anything-but smile confidently? Who are you anyway?

2) One-F-Jef--"Jef, can I see your ID before I give you this rose?" A true boy among men, but who knows?

3) Race Car Arie--doesn't mouth rape her--amazing

Harrison smirks his way into the room, counts one, and departs.

Emily now shows how bad an actress she is. After stewing around in badly performed false angst, she turns and wordlessly leaves the room. She hunts down Harrison, who is busy in a back alley trying to pick up some chick, and we see a highly planned, poorly edited, and abysmally acted scene where Harrison gets to make like my pet parrot: “Caw-- There are no rules--caw!" After trying to bait us (and the two remaining bozos) Emily tells the men that she can't hand out the last rose. Harrison then smarms his way into the room with two more roses and she flowers both guys, delaying their executions for one more week. Damn good thing Dug doesn't miss his kid too much.

 

Next week: Arie gets caught for screwing a producer in the past or something. See ya then!