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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Sunday, January 15, 2012

1/15--The F1's on Parade: A Captain Barbarossa Special


Welcome my friends to a special walk down memory lane of the f1's of the past. This is not a "best of" by any means; I've certainly written funnier things than this. No, this is an effort to see just how much you can tell from a first date on the Bachelor, with the benefit of hindsight. I think you'll see the answer in most cases is quite a lot. This collection covers all the seasons of this franchise that I've covered the past few years with the exception of Brad Womack's first season, where he picked no one. Fear not, we get two two first dates with Jason Mesnick because he essentially had two f1's to make up the shortfall. This is a completely unedited collection of observations, wise-ass remarks, and other things I published at the time. I hope you enjoy.

Matt Grant/Shayne Lamas:


 Winery and a Bimbo. 

Grant now moves to pick up the Dalai Lamas for her pole dancing lessons, I mean winery date and he arrives in someone else's Maserati to do it. Shayne, dressed like she's a member of ABBA, piles in to the car and off they go. Grant does his best to act coy about his true feelings for her but the guy ain't foolin' this pirate. The girl is hot--Grant knows it--she knows--and that's that! He corners her and forces her to admit that her dad is Lorenzo Lamas. She tells him, "You won't know who he is." Turns out, Grant didn't. Fleiss should have hired Billy Crystal to come floating in with the white wig and the snowy ascot going, "Shayne, dahling! You look mahvelous! Absolutely mahvelous!" She talks about coming from multiple broken families and basically says she's not ready to get married yet. Grant says, "She's not just a beautiful actress. There's a lot more to her." Yeah, whatever. Under duress, she admits to being high-maintenance and then cops to having more shoes that Imelda Marcos. She's into,"cars, shoes, handbags, sunglasses, and watches." Grant thinks she's joking. Idiot...

…Shayne and Grant cuddle up at the winery and he slips her the rose. She treats him like he's Houdini because he stashed it behind a pillow. I can't figure out whether or not she's drunk again or just a moron. Don't suppose it matters anyway, she gives Grant a boner and that's all that does.

DeAnna Pappas/Jesse Csinsack:


Totally Baked

 But before the dates, the wingman tells the boys that they will have to earn the one-on-date with Dee by competing in a songwriting contest. Huh? What the hell is this supposed to prove? The same thing as when the women on the Bachelor are expected to sing, twirl batons, and eat aluminum cans I suppose. Anyway the boys all spread out and try to write down their thoughts and compose their feelings. Jesse, the baked snowboarder, says he hates to write and hates to sing. This should be wondrous.

Several of the boys actually seem excited and decide to try their best. Robert, the chef and Brian, the football coach both actually work on their music and try to perform--Robert's actually pretty good. In all fairness, most of them did at least respectable. Performing can be hard and they all seemed to come off as decent...at least all of them but the baked snowboarder who busted out a rhyme that could have been written by a five year-old. But, he did it on his knees. I guess thats important...somehow...I think. What? What the hell does that have to do with anything? Nevermind. She picked the bakehead. Maybe she didn't understand the wingman's directions. Who cares.

DeAnna then takes 'ol bonghit to a theater where they smoke a bowl. No, I'm kidding...I think. She does take him to a theater and then tells him to perform his godawful warbling again like he's a trained seal. When he's done singing I'm the one who needs the bonghit. Auuugggh, my ears! Anyway, he performs like a toadie and covers her shapely ass in kisses so the rose is secured.

Jason Mesnick /Melissa Rycroft:


Blimp Date:

Back at the Harem Tent, a date card arrives and it says Melissa The Cheerleader will be going on the next one-on-one. Melissa meets Jason on the beach and in inserted private interviews Melissa cops to being nervous. "I dated the same guy from fifteen to twenty-two and I haven't had a date in three years." Huh? A Cowboy Cheerleader hasn't had a date in three years? Ok, well, stranger things have happened I suppose. Actually, no they haven't. What, was she marooned on an arctic weather station!? If she also told us her last boyfriend was a Sasquatch I wouldn't have been any more surprised. I'll assume she's not lying just for shits and giggles. Wow, Melissa the Wallflower; who woulda thunk it. Anyway, Jason feeds her some oysters and Melissa, who is an oyster virgin, does the one thing that can quicken any mans heart: She's funny. Not scripted, cue-card-reading funny either. More like no bullshit, off the cuff funny. She also opens up and tells Jason she really wants to be a first grade teacher. I can practically hear wedding bells on this one already. Jason then takes her up on a bluff and The Bandit strikes again. Cha-ching! That's two! He then hauls her up for a ride in the blimp and gives her the rose, which was as big a foregone conclusion as I've made it sound.

Jason Mesnick/Molly Mallaney(Mesnick) AKA:The Lone Wife:


Tenting Tonight

Jason hauls Molly the Bland to his own rented Malibu digs for a normal date, not the usual Bachelor fairytale crap. They eat burgers dressed in ratty cutoffs just like a real couple too. They also talk, just like a real couple, and they wax a bit more seriously than the usual date fare. Jason obviously sees a lot more in Molly than I do and while she confesses to feelings, she does it in a sane way and doesn't bother lying to us that she is "in love". It's a pretty cool date and the kind I'd like to see more of, frankly--no bullshit plane rides or fairy princess castles, no hammocks or hot tubs, and no one was drunk. As they talk, Le Bandito moves in for his first score of the night, Cha-Ching!, and then he hands her the flower and hauls her into a tent set up in his backyard for a sleepover. Producer/dickhead Fleiss even delivers dubbed sounds of quiet talk and slurping to make us believe they did the nasty too. Maybe they did, who knows? Just after dawn Jason drives her home with the rose and in a set of his clothes too. Shannon the Stalker, who patrolled the house waiting on Molly most of the night, and the other, saner girls who went to bed, greet Molly in the AM to find her dressed in Jason's clothes and complaining of not much sleep. The other girls all scatter uncomfortably while Shannon narrows her eyes at Molly and goes to polish her sniper rifle.

Jillian Harris /Ed Swiderski: 


Your Five Minutes of Romance

Wingman Harrison announces the date line-up in the usual manner. Two 1-on-1 dates and one group orgy--er mouthrape contest--er group date filmed at a Cowboy set. The 1 0n 1 date (at least the first one) was about the only satisfying moment of the entire night. Jillian takes Ed--the guy I have been calling: A Brad Garrett look-a-like, (but who the Wench Queen in her terminal perfection, showed me actually looks like some dead dude on Grey's Anatomy named "Denny" ; so now he's Drop-Dead Ed)--to scale a skyscraper. First I thought they were going to climb it, then I thought they were going to hop off it on one of those ziplines. Damn, I was impressed there for a minute. Then I thought they were going to rappel down it. Wow. But then I saw they were going to be lowered over the side and slowly eased down to a pool deck by a crew using a block and tackle--and when I say slowly I mean S-L-O-W-L-Y. It was like bungee jumping in slow motion...out your front door. So much for being impressed. Anyway, Drop Dead said he was scared but didn't want to wimp out on front of Jill. He does launch a good one while hanging there in his block and tackle seat: "You better give me a rose!" Way to piss your drawers, Ed. Silly building stunt over. Then Jill takes him into a swimming pool and proceeds to ride all over his crotch while they smooch. So much for that mystery. The make, model, and caliber of the weapon Ed has hidden in his shorts is no longer a secret to our favorite Canadian.

Jill then takes him up to the roof of the Bonaventure Hotel and Ed proceeds to get several casting directors fired for looking and acting (Dare I say it!) sincere. Who the hell let this guy on the show!? Not once did I hear Ed profess his undying love; he didn't pull out his guitar and serenade her with a song from his up-coming CD nor did he promise to fly her to Uganda for dinner or build her a magic fairy-castle in the sky. Instead Ed talked earnestly about having trouble balancing his career and personal life and instead of sounding ready for his close-up, he acted and looked both uncomfortable with the cameras around and (gasp!) genuinely interested in Jillian. (Hell just froze!) When Jill asked him what he wanted to ask her, he cut straight to the chase and asked if he was going to get the rose because he was "really nervous." Jillian, obviously unaccustomed to sincerity in her suitors, spluttered and practically stapled the rose to his chest in a frenzy. (So much for making him sweat, Jill.) Ed, like any good Field General, sensed his move had unbalanced his opponent and moved in for a quick snog. Jillian ( in diametric opposition as to how she will behave later) grabbed his hands, slammed them around her waist and sucked his face off. (It's early, but we may have a player here, folks.) Hope you enjoyed that because that's about it. Sweetness just about over.

Jake Pavelka/Vienna Girardi:


Captain America Needs a Midol 

The first 1 on 1 date either proves that Jake Pavelka will do anything--and I mean anything--the producers of this crapfest tell him to, or this guy needs to lay off the estrogen supplements. The date begins when the Cheeser rams the Sausage onto his moped and they go canoodle around 'his' house. A helicopter lands and he takes her on a flight into the middle of California nowhere where they land on a bridge over a ravine. During the flight Jake reveals to Vienna that he has a fear of heights--a perfectly understandable phobia for a flier. Once they land, it's obvious its time to go bungee jump. Before they crawl out onto the ledge of the bridge, Vienna lets us know she has a height phobia as well. It must be time for a 'leap of faith'. Wow, they haven't done that since...last season! ZZZZZ. They gear up and step out onto the ledge where Joke whines, cries and does everything but grow a vagina. Snort! While Jake melts down into a Full Mesnick of tears and menstrual cramps, the Sausage 'mans up' and basically holds his trembling hand through the whole jump. Now, you may say I'm being hard on the Jokester here; I mean, a lot of people have a fear of heights and I'm the first to admit that hopping head first off a perfectly stable bridge is not a natural act. But I'm also not a professional pilot either! If I were a passenger on any airline the Chessemachine worked at, I'd be sprinting out of that airport like terrorists were about to open fire. What confidence it must inspire in passengers to know that the pilot of the plane they are about to board is going to start bawling and piss his pants at the first sign of trouble. It's like hiring a lifeguard with a fear of water:inspiring. Their Leap of Faith now safely behind them, Joke changes his tampon and hauls the tanned one back to his chalet to slurp some vino from the biggest wine goblets I've ever seen.They crawl indoors where they stare and talk about not too much of nuthin'. Cheeser ladles out the Velveeta right away: "I've seen a more serious, nurturing side to Vienna today." Uh huh. They get into the pool where Vienna rides his rod and launches this Pearl of BS:"I'm on Cloud Jake right now!" Anyway, they complete the ol' Oklahoma tradeoff: she gives him a boner and he gives her a rose. Bully.

Ali Fedotowsky /Roberto Martinez:


 A Marx Brother on a High Wire

Ali's first individual date this week is with that notorious Latin hottie, Groucho Roberto. Ali drives over to Nerd Nirvana to greet him, and Roberto, showing some extra macho with his plaid shirt and beer crammed into his fist twirls her about for the other ding dongs to see. The producers, trying to wrest the car keys from Ali's control-issue hands, send in the first helicopter of the season so they can bang on about her flying phobia again, and get the Frankfurter started on his jealous meltdown of how Ali is alone with someone other than his own self. They helicopter away, but she can't let go of the steering wheel issues as she squeals with fear and tries to backseat drive the chopper pilot, "Not so close to the power lines!" Fortunately, he misses them by about a quarter of a mile--like always--and manages to land safely like the other 3 and a half million helicopters around the country on that day. But it does give Roberto a chance to cuddle her--like 12 other guys will do this episode--as the chopper sets down on a building roof. Ali assures us she feels "safe" with the Funny One. The producers attempt to remedy this by having them go highwire walking to get their dinner. I was expecting them to be securely attached by cables or wires for their heart stopping walk; I was not expecting them to be nailed down with chains Superman couldn't break. They engage in some cheesy banter about falling for each other and Roberto--in a very manly fashion--leads her out on some high tension cables you could drive a Greyhound Bus over and only stops midway to smooch her and does it so wildly he proves they couldn't be knocked off those wires by a low flying 747. Oh, the drama. The Flying Wallenda act concluded, they actually sit and try and talk like regular people. What has been obvious since the second she saw the oldest Marx Brother is still obvious: She digs him. Ali informs him he's so handsome he's almost out of her league. Roberto peers sheepishly from behind his caterpillar eyebrows, but doesn't argue. He does lets her know he can speak five different languages and his brother plays the harp and only speaks with a horn. No, not really, but he should have. She then asks him to do something to her she heard from a rap video. Whoa! Pretty nasty for a first date. Oh, it was just to kiss her in Spanish. Roberto waggles his caterpillars at her, tells the waiter to stick her with the check, and mauls her. Rose? No doubt!

Brad Womack and M'ly Maynard:


 The Angel Descends to Earth

The second 1-on-1 of the night goes to overwhelming fan favorite, Nascar Emily. During the end of the Action Movie Date, Emily had her name called for the last 1-on-1 date and proceeded to sit with a couple of the girls and fully tell her story of her dead fiance who died in a plane crash while she found out she was pregnant with his baby story. It's powerful stuff. The other women bawl, even Madison the famewhore vampire, who starts to develop a conscience about pimping herself on this show. Meghan the Nobody gets to do a private interview where she confirms Emily to be Mother Teresa. My, lets lay it on thick, shall we? Brad arrives and takes Emily to the airport in his Aston Martin. Emily (and us) stare at the plane while Brad, still clueless, asks if she is nervous. Great TV. They finally land and Brad loads her into his jaunting car and they drive to a vineyard. Where? I have no idea and I bet you don't either. This was one of the few Bachelor dates ever that had nothing to do with the location. Brad could have taken her to a racquetball court and fed her a cornbeef sandwich for all it mattered. This date was all about her story. They sit on a log in the vineyard near the jaunting car sipping wine and Brad opens with the preamble I thought he was gonna' use on Chantal: "I don't know a single thing about you." He then presses in with some personal questions and Emily starts batting them away like a hockey goalie. Her favorite technique is to say something bland and then turn it back around on him. "And what about you?" Unsurprisingly, Brad starts to looked nettled. As darkness falls he takes her into a bar for dinner. A barn? Nevermind it doesn't matter. Once inside someone has informed Emily that it's time to spill, and she does. Brad listens as she relates the tale and then stammers, "So he was killed in a plane crash?" She affirms and then adds the part about being pregnant with his baby. Brad stares at her like she hit him in the head with a brick. I'll let any reader decipher his body language from there, but his reaction is stunned, but appeared positive. Brad produces the flower in an instant and she accepts. Cue harp music. They make out. Could this be the gal? Certainly could be. Now, I'm gonna' say something that probably isn't going to be very popular (What's new?) But I'm sure the message boards have probably lost all perspective. Emily is hot, she seems damned nice, and overcame a terrible tragedy. She did not however pull five people from a burning building or win the Medal of Honor in Afghanistan saving half her platoon. There is tons to be admired about her, but what she really did was cope with tragedy that was forced upon her. Admirably so. The shame of this is that with lost perspective, if Brad dares choose anyone else, he's going to be vilified as a douche bag, and that's sad. There are many quality women left on this show, and they may or may not be a better match for him. Emily is no doubt terrific, but I suspect she doesn't have any trouble sleeping because she can't get her angel wings under the blankets. Just saying. Anyway, Brad gushes: "I can see Emily being the woman I spend the rest of my life with." Is it this easy? Maybe it is.

Ashley Hebert/ Jordan Paul Rosenbaum:


A Twofer--Since the 1st One was Barely Shown and My DVR Cut Out on Number 2: J.P the Skinhead Tries to Ride to the Rescue...


The dating must go on. A thoroughly shattered Ashley, who has cried herself into oblivion over the departed Bentley, awaits the scheduled JP, the Skinhead with all the enthusiasm of a corpse at her house. If anything fancy had been planned, the producers had enough sense to change it. J.P, equipped with a producer supplied bouquet, arrives at Ashley's rental where she greets him. Completely shot, Ashley finally asks for a slum around night and they change into pajamas and make out. Give JP credit, he did his best, but how much could anyone have done after this?

...And Your Only Romance for the Last 5 Weeks

While the boating action done, a date card has arrived and Lucas, the texas Cowboy reads off the name of J.P., the skinhead. With some closure on the Bentley mess finally delivered, this date should be critical. Now this was the part my DVR skipped when the satellite went out and I went online to day to watch this. I ca't remember a whole lot about where they went and what they did, but I remember the important part. I have given up trying to guess about the loony editing this show has spouted the past few seasons, but what I saw sure looked like a firm frontrunner staking his claim. The dinner part was the most instructive when Ashley finally told J.P. about her Bentley obsession. J.P takes it calmly and takes an optimistic stance, thanking Ashley for being honest and glad she has gotten closure. What's clear is to just what extent this guy digs her and damn if it didn't look mutual. J.P swears he's never felt a connection this strong in his entire life and Ashley exclaims that J.P. is the most handsome man in the entire world! Really? The Jewish skinhead from Long Island? Hey, different strokes and all that, but this was really sweet. No acting appeared to be in the effort either. These two looked like they forgot about the cameras and went goo-goo over each other. Roller Coaster UP! But I am unspoiled, so this could all be misdirection edit for all I know. But it looked cool anyway. Rose? Zero doubt. Date over.

And there you have it. Those were the f1 dates how I wrote them as broadcast. I thought it might be nice to have a retrospective to look at as Ben's season starts to wind down and Emily's season is soon to crank up. I hope you enjoyed. 


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