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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Tuesday, January 31, 2012

1/30--Stormhorse in All His Glory



Man, I must be watching the wrong channel. Is this Flava Flav? Brett Michaels? Did I stumble into some Rock of Love? 70's porno? Damn. Just damn. The question I asked the first week of this season now has a definitive answer: Welcome, Mr. Stormhorse! Your condoms and Cream Dream lotions are ready. No wonder those poor bastards in Puerto Rico thought they were filming a porno--they were! Bob Guiney you can sleep soundly at night; you've been surpassed as the all-time sleaze king of the Bachelor. While Bob composes a love sonnet to Ben Flajnik for taking him off the hook, I guess I better try and recap.

This week starts out with Ben narrating the big move from Utah to Vieques, Puerto Rico. A cheap graphic helps the idiots in the audience know that Puerto Rico is a really long, long away from the Rocky Mountains. Thanks Fleiss. Geography teachers everywhere can join in and hate you too. Stool Pidgeon Emily does the honors this week by telling us that Puerto Rico is an "amazing place to fall in love." But don't let that confuse you. It's not "the perfect place to fall in love," like Utah was, unless Kacie was lying last week. Anyway, the women arrive onshore in a dinghy and crash this week's product placement gimme' where Chris "Wingman" Harrison hauls them out of doors to pimp the resort that's footing the bill this week. The Wingman runs down the date line up for the week--2, 1-on-1's and 1 Group Date. This week everyone gets to escape from the gilded cage and will participate. Harrison smirks, drops the first date card and departs for the local liquor lounge, fully half of his "work" done for the week. Nurse Jamie finds her missing vocal chords and reads off:

"Nicki,
I'm wondering what a Puerto Rican tablecloth will look like on your slightly plump thighs--let's find out, Ben!"

This starts the drumbeat of shitty comments coming from Queen Courtney; this will continue all episode. She starts the assault on Stool Pigeon Emily while wearing a shirt that says "Be Nice!" I think Fleiss blotted out the rest of the shirt that read, "…or I'll rip your fucking head off!" Regardless, Nicki, wearing some fingernail polish made by Crayola, and a dress that looks like Walt Disney threw up on it, heads out to meet our horny hero.

They head out and start with a helicopter trip around the island and land in Old San Juan. They decide to have a wander around date, but Mother Nature intrudes and the rain pours down. They squat in a doorway and then decide since they're wet to try and dress like two Puerto Rican stereotypes, but succeed only in looking like two dorks. Ben dresses in all white looking like a Gringo Good Humor Ice Cream Man, and Nicki pulls on some hideous-looking number that hurts my eyes. They stalk someone else's wedding and agree you should shack up before marrying. As darkness falls, Ben sits her down and quizzes her about her marriage. Nicki gives him a bunch of canned answers that basically amounted to her having totally unrealistically expectations of marriage. Love these young pups who think that marriage is supposed to be a fifty year orgy complete with violin music and champagne in bed every morning, instead of a healthy, happy partnership and years of joyful contentment. Well, she's perfect for this show anyway. Ben shows interest but also a ton of doubts. Ben seems to agree that marriage should involve perpetual cupid shots in the ass, and hands her the rose.

Meanwhile, back at the gimme', Elyse, the Fitness Nazi and Boom-Boom Blakely try and have an argument about who is more desperate to go on a date with Ben when there's a knock at the door. Jennifer the Red rises to announce the Group Date gang: Lindzi the Mispelled; Queen Courtney; Herself; Sweetie Pie Kacie; Stool Pidgeon Emily; Chain Smokin' Rachel; Casey S.; Nurse Jamie; and Boom-Boom Blakely. Elyse lets out an Exorcist-worthy screech since she gets the 1on1. 5 shows in, one group date, and she's excited she's getting called out? Gawd, don't these women actually watch this mess before they sign up? As she sat there grinning, I could already see the scimitar swinging at her neck.

Turns out Ben's little missive about "diamonds being a girl's best friend", meant baseball diamond. The group gang heads to a minor league baseball stadium in San Juan to play some ball. Ben wanders around Roberto Clemente Stadium fingering a baseball beside a cool statue of the legend himself as the women drive up in a school bus. Boom-Boom Blakely declares this her perfect date. "I'm super athletic." I started laughing until she swung the bat and WHOA! She swings that ripstick like a dude! Take it from your Captain, who played 12 years of organized ball, that was no girlie swing! The girl's got bat speed; and this is just the start of me being impressed. As they work out and the rest of them, well, play like girls, Harrison emerges from the local cocktail lounge and calls them all up. Turns out they're going to split up into two teams and only the winners get to hang with Ben after nightfall. Harrison lets Ben pick one gal to play for both teams and he picks the spastic lefty, Lindzi the Misspelled. Harrison then picks Queen Courtney and Boom-Boom as Captains and they pick teams: Boom-Boom's Blues and Courtney's Red Harlots. The women dress and put that fake crap under their eyes to look like ball players while Ben takes the mound and shows off a girlie arm of his own. The Red Team immediately shells him for 5 runs in the 1st inning. I was expecting Roberto Martinez to come walking out of the dugout and try and put out the fire, but Ben hangs in as the Blue Team lights him up as well. The Blues finally get smart and place Boom-Boom out behind second base where she spends the rest of the night running left and right catching everything near her. Courtney quickly opines: "Blakely is like a champion out there; who knew hookers could play baseball?" You're calling someone else a hooker, skank bait? While Casey S. shows off the massive girlie arm, Blakely drives in three runs to tie it. In extra innings, Red gets up 10-9, and Jennifer the Red steps up to whiff in the clutch. The bummed Blues wander off back to the bus while a helicopter lands, but a giddy Ben gets to eye all the Red Harlot meat and knows he gets extra time with Queen Courtney. Blakely leads the girls back to the bus where they all bawl a lot about losing as they are shipped back to the resort cage to cool their heels. Sad, but Blakely made me a fan anyway. She might be a Hooter's Girl, but the woman can play. I'll respect that. That should have been an auto-rose regardless.

Ben takes the five winning Reds down to the beach as darkness descends for a party on the beach. Constant interview inserts let Courtney act like a spoiled brat before she gets her chance to show Blakely just what a callgirl should act like. Anyway, Ben does the rounds with the whole bunch before he takes Sweetie Pie Kacie aside and Ben gets to whine that all the hookers he usually dates don't love him back. But whatever nothing they spoke about prompts him to grab Kacie B. and give her the rose. That gets Queen Courtney in motion so she swipes Ben away and leads him down the beach where she drops into her baby voice and propositions him to go skinny dipping with her. Ben, who's half-drunk and all horny, perks up at that suggestion. Date over. For now.

Ben's Cannon Fodder

Before getting laid, Ben decides to perform a little foreplay by taking Elyse, the Fitness Nazi out for a day on the water to charm her and kiss her, before announcing that there is no future and dumping her. Not exactly a surprise. She's barely been allowed out of the cage to this point. Shame. I know some folks online who think Elyse has chin stubble and bigger set of balls than Ben, but I disagree. First of all, her ovaries are bigger than Ben's balls, I admit that, and I've never had conventional taste in women, but I thought she was damned attractive; dark and exotic. But when she took off that dress, yeowza! What a bod! She demonstrated that the label "fitness trainer" was no lie. Toned and somewhat muscular (but not mannish) I thought Elyse, with the exception of some below average teeth, was quite a dish. True, we never knew anything about her outside of that horrible "Who IS she!" screech she launched a few weeks back, but man she would have had to have been one major grating bitch for me to cut her. Just Exhibit A proving that Ben and I are very different men. That night, after wasting a day trying to lure her into a false sense of security on a yacht, Ben takes her to a dinner on the beach. He's dressed in some half-tux get-up paired with cut off jeans like he's Barbaro Meets Huck Finn. Elyse shows up looking radiant in a white, off-the-shoulder dress. Ben fiddles around acting bored to tears and keeps looking for anything she said he can use as an excuse to dump her. "Earlier, you said you'd already done everything you wanted to do?" C'mon Ben, just put her out of her misery. He waits until she utters the word "honest" and jumps at his cue, "I can't give you this rose," he twirls the flower around and puts it back down as she starts to cry. "What did I do wrong?" She cries as he walks her away to a dinghy to get the ride of shame out on the Caribbean. "He didn't give me a chance," she cries correctly. Nope, and never intended to either, Elyse. Some dude crashes the cage and snaps Elyse's bag away as Courtney laughs, "Wonder of she drank too much and the Jersey Shore came out? Another one bites the dust!" Puke.

Cream Dream Realized

While Courtney crows about Elyse's departure, she gathers up some wine and two glasses and heads out to her producer-prompted rendezvous. Ben, being followed back to "his" place by the cameras for the firs time in Bachelor history, is being filmed trying to get his room key out when Courtney whistles at him from the steps behind him where she's lurking. Ben immediately invites her in with him. They lounge around getting buzzed before she urges him to take down to the water for a skinny dip. Ben, like a callous fool, hops at her suggestion and off they go. Down by the waters edge, they make out, strip down naked, and head out into the waves. Once there, well, he bangs her. I've actually heard that people are arguing whether or not they had sex. Seriously? C'mon folks, we're all adults here. (at least I hope we are). Two blitzed people who are attracted to each other strip down and skinny dip in shoulder-high water in a full embrace? Their genitals were in full contact karate mode? It's almost impossible NOT to have sex in that circumstance. It would take two people trying VERY hard and fighting every drive in their natures not to. With these two? Seriously? It would be like telling a woman in labor not to push. Not happening. One things for certain, this was the most disrespectful thing I've seen a Bachelor do in the eight seasons I've been watching this. When I first saw the preview, I thought it happened later--on the Fantasy Dates--and I cut Stormhorse some slack. But this was when there was still nine women waiting back inside the gilded cage. What woman would want him after this? I hope he picked Courtney. The rest are too good for him. And Courtney? Don't ever call anyone a hooker again unless you're looking in the mirror. You just sold your ass for facetime on an ABC show. It must be pretty cheap ass.  Ben, go find some balls.

The next night at the cocktail party the producers get Courtney to get people talking about skinny dipping so we can watch her smirk some more and chew her lips off. Drunk as always, Courtney actually refrained from telling the other girls about her conquest. I was shocked. I thought she'd come running into the room swinging the used condom over her head like a lasso. Who am I kidding? What condom? Ben at least has enough of a conscience to admit, "Courtney and I shared a pretty intimate moment and I'm feeling crappy about it." Not as crappy as all the women you disrespected with your Stormhorse bit, asshole. I can just imagine Kacie Boguskie having to sit there next to her parents watching this as they throw up. A new low.

The party continues but I'm spent and almost too disgusted to listen. Stool Pigeon Emily gets Ben alone and can't keep her mouth shut about Courtney…again. Ben tells her to "drop it, and "you need to tread lightly." If Emily had any balls she would have bitched him out for that arrogant threat and left right there, but she doesn't. Harrison finally comes wandering in and calls it off. But Ben has one more nasty surprise to pull just to make sure people think he's rat puke.

Roses:

Already safe: Nicky the Narrator and Sweetie Pie Kacie

1) Lindzi the Misspelled: a very quite night.
2) Nurse Jamie: Ha! Ha! Look girl, I like you, but if you don't start talking here…
3) Chain Smokin' Rachel: Very closely resembling a Dress Filler for someone still alive so deep in this.
4) Queen Courtney: "Courtney, I'm so glad they screen everyone who comes on this show for V.D. and will you accept this condom?"
5) Casey S.: Who?
6) Blakely: Stop fake-crying and go get your flower, slugger!
7) Stool Pigeon Emily: No producer shenanigans with this one. Oh how I would have loved "Emily, will you accept this rose?
"Actually, no thanks, you stuck up, arrogant prick! See ya!" but it was not to be.

Cut: Jennifer the Red. BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Jesus, Ben; could you get any lower in my eyes right now? She might have been the sweetest gal on the show? Dude, you have no honor, no class, and no taste in women! You're the total package, all right.

Next week: Something happens with Casey S. Who?







3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Wow.

Anonymous said...

Courtney said of Blakely, "Who knew strippers could play baseball." She didn't call her a hooker.

AbbyRose said...

Funny, funny blog! Loved it! Wow, you know how to do the play-by-play of baseball games. You are missing your calling, Captain.

Keep up the great writing!

I kind of think that the producers want Ben's series over with so they can proceed with their Golden Gal Emily.