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A PIRATICAL VIEW OF LIFE...AND THE BACHELOR(ETTE)

ARGH!


Wednesday, January 25, 2012

1/24-Prince Benjamin the Gullible.


Welcome, my friends. This week Ben and the Mean Girl gang are off to Park City, Utah to frolic among the meadows and for Ben to get fleeced like a sheep by contestant, Courtney Robertson. More on that shortly. But more importantly, this is the week where Producer/dirtbag, Mike Fleiss, starts to plug the contestants into the nicely drilled holes of his Bachelor Template. We will see the contestant who gets jealous having to share the Bachelor with a bunch of other women and can't deal with "the process." We see the annual specter of one stupid contestant who commits broadcast suicide by trying to tattle on another contestant. But fortunately, we do get see a side of Utah I never knew existed: namely, a beautiful outdoorsy wilderness that looked like the Garden of Eden. It was just a shame they had to spoil it by making me watch the rest of the show. Anyway, let's rock it!

Park City

The show opens with Ben, navel gazing among the streams and meadows of Utah, insisting that he's dragging his harem here so he can see how they handle the outdoors and not because some producer-maggot told him to. We see Ben standing around in his California version of flannels and jeans, looking all ruggedly manly riding a horse quite inexpertly, and trying desperately to smack up some macho despite the Prince Valiant haircut. He's dressed in what is supposed to be some version of rugged, "manly chic"--which a REAL manly dude would call "Pussy Poseur". While Ben swears his sincerity to the process, the women land at te airport and head on in to this week's product placement gimme', The Canyons Resort. The women crash the gimme' and quick as a flash, Chris "Wingman" Harrison appears out of thin air to pimp The Canyons in return for the Presidential Suite he's undoubtedly crashing in the rest of the week, and to cue the babes up for the date lineup this week. There will be three dates--1 group date and 2, 1-on-1's. Racing for the door to go and hide all the smuggled stash The Canyons let him carry into prohibitionist Utah, Harrison tosses down a date card and imparts some fatherly advice: "Not everyone will get a date this week, so my advice to you is whatever time you get with Ben, make it count. Don't just sit around and talk about the weather…act mean or try and stool pigeon one of your competitors and stir up some shit, why don't ya?"

Utah Deep Freeze

As Harrison departs, Lindzi the Misspelled rises and reads the date card while Sweetie Pie Kacie B. starts her episode long mopefest about how much she wants every second with Ben. Lindzi calls out Chain Smokin' Rachel to go freeze up and barely escape getting eliminated. Whining, crying, and looking clingy, Kacie bawls as Rachel goes to sneak one more smoke and brush her teeth before Ben arrives. And how does Prince Valiant arrive? I'll give you a hint; it wasn't in an airboat. Ben helicopters in to helicopter the chain smokin' one away to a lake in the middle of Eden. Rachel, wearing a white tanktop with a trendy sweater shows off a great set of juggs as they settle in down by the waters egde and…(chirp chirp chirp…) crickets descend. The conversation is more forced than a tooth extraction. Voice overs let us know that Rachel is absolutely no good at opening up with California weirdos she barely knows. Boy I hope she isn't planning on trying to break into the entertainment field. Anyway, here's the bottom line: other than awesome scenery and the usual Stormhorse exhibition of crappy kissing, this date sucked. Ben and Rachel looked as compatible as me and my mother-in-law with Rachel, acting about as interesting as a can of paint. Most of the date was spent trying to tease us that she was about to get dumped. Meh. Who cares? He kept her cause she's pretty and has big juggs. Date over.

Back at the gimme', the group date card arrives and Dr. Emily, who's in for a rough night, reads out of the names of: Nurse Jamie; Casey S.; and to add some speaking and a little skank to the date, Boom-Boom Blakely; Lindzi the Misspelled; Samantha the Pageant Queen; Nicki the Narrator; Sweetie Pie Kacie B.; and Courtney the Sharktress. Ben wants to know if they want to wallow around in a stream wearing giant rubber garbage bags around their legs and let Harrison hire some local Indian to attach a rubber trout to Courtney's hook. The women all affirm that very desire. While Courtney acts as self-centered and awful as usual, Dr. Emily gleefully predicts that once Prince Valiant sees the Sharktress treat everyone as horribly as they all treated Shawntel Newton last week, that's she's history. Why do women never study the tapes of this show before they sign that slavery contract and agree to come on? Stool Pigeon Emily and the other girls head out.

Courtney's Rubber Trout

Ben comes riding up on a horse spraying "Man on Horse" pheromones all over the place and greets the women. I swear, Don Knotts could come riding up on a horse and women would tackle him to the ground. What is with women's reactions to men on horseback? He's the same metrosexual dork he was when he sloppy kissed you with his lip gloss on last week, ladies; calm your asses down! Boom-Boom Blakely nearly faints and tells us he looked like a "Knight in Shining Armor". All except for the armor, the knight, and shining parts, she's right. At least he's got the page boy hairdo down. Oh man, I hate that cliche. If a Knight in Shining Armor actually did come riding up to you out of the mists of the 12th century, you'd run the other way at top speed. What those fairy tales fail to mention is that a Medieval knight's most fearsome dragon-killing weapon was his breath. He'd have rotten teeth from the non-existent medieval dental care and smell like a bucket of unbathed, shining ass. You'd rather kiss his horse. Trust me. So much for your romantic fantasy now, eh? You're welcome! And don't even get me started on those Wild West cowpokes…

Anyway, Ben rides up and greets the women. Once they stop squealing and heavy breathing, he mounts them up on their own horseys and rides them off to a stream. Soon dressed in hip waders and equipped with some cheap-looking flyfishing equipment, Ben wanders around trying to teach them how to flyfish since I'm sure he's a practiced expert. The women unspool a ton of line and plop the flies down in the 24 inch-deep water and stand there. Ben offers helpful hints like "let if float; just let it float." and "use your wrist." Kacie B. whines that she needs to get closer to him so she flails away pathetically with her flycaster and he comes over to coach her up and…help her not at all. Ben then runs off to Courtney the Sharktress, who is also standing in the water doing nothing. They head further downstream where she stands there like a statue and the Indian Guide Harrison hired slithers out of the cattails and hooks a rubber trout to Courtney's line. The haul it in and Ben decides to kiss the slimy thing, proving he'll kiss anything, and then makes Courtney kiss it too; proving she'll do anything to be on TV.This was just a big excuse to showcase Kacie's clingyness, and mostly Courtney's awfulness. Ben tells her she has "natural ability." I'm sure she does Ben, but it's not flyfishing, dumbass. What pathetic groveling.

When night falls, Ben hauls them back to the 'gimme and for the first time we get to hear Casey S. speak so the viewers will know who she is when she stirs the shit between Courtney and Stool Pidgeon Emily. Ben informs her he's been in love "4 times". Casey scowls, "Do you fall in love easily?" Ha, ha; no wonder they won't let her talk. Quit asking pushy questions of Prince Valiant, Casey. That's the signal for Nicki the Narrator to get a move on so we can see her weekly effort to get a few seconds with Ben. They better show us something if she makes it much further, because for all her narrating, we've scarcely the two of them in the same area code. Nicki digs deep to establish a connection and since she doesn't have a dead relative to parley, she settles for a dead boss. Ben nods empathetically and manages to conjure a tale of a freshly dead friend to trump her. In lieu of anything else to do, they make out, and the producers send Samantha the Pageant Queen in to interrupt them and get herself dumped. Now, spoilers insist that Samantha had fallen in love with yet another one of Fleiss' producer-maggots and wanted to leave the week previously. If that's true, this was all staged; from Ben's hardassed reaction to her whining, to Samantha's hard-teared bawling. He bids her be off, and she cries so hard she nearly unhinges one of her enormous fake eyelashes in the process. Meh. She paraded around flashing her overbite everywhere and he walked her out so she could escape. This gives Courtney a chance to brag that she and Ben are basically making decisions together. Arrogant? Yeah, but when I have something to refute her, I'll let you know.

The left overs await back up in the gimme room as there is a knock on the door. Elyse, the fitness Nazi gets to speak so she can prophesy getting left in the suite again. Frankly, I was shocked. Not that she got stranded again, but that she spoke and sounded normal. The only thing I remember her saying the last four weeks was that "Who IS She!" screech. Chain Smokin' Rachel reads off the name of Jennifer the Red; Ben orders her to "pick our love song dot dot dot" Damn, did we have to go with the dot, dot, dot thing again? I just had a Bentley flashback and now I have to take a crap.

Back at the party, Ben takes Sweetie pie Kacie away for some private 1-on-1 time. In between crying and sitting on the couch together, Ben confesses he wanted to make out with her in the river and that sparks plenty of closed-mouth smooches and Kacie says she's ok now. That will last about a second. As Ben wonders if he and Kacie might end up together, Courtney the Sharktress lets us know it's time for action. In Private Interviews, she acts all competitve and ready to steal Ben no matter what. Once Ben picks her up for private time she loses the steel magnolia act and switches to her baby voice. Telling Ben she can't deal with the jealousy she confesses that Lindzi crowding in on their fishing time "spoiled what I was feeling for you." Ben looks like he actually did lose a friend now--his best one at that. Blind terror flashes across his face as Courtney whines that she has "lost sight of them a little bit." Ben looks ready to have a heart attack. He tries to head her off, but she just shrugs and plays him like a trumpet. He runs for the rose, as the producers play clips of Courtney--from who knows when-- smirking, laughing and "winning!" Well, we can retire Courtney the Sharktress. From now on she's Queen Courtney, until Ben gives me some reason to think he's not wrapped around her finger. The mystery is: why are the producers trying to get me to think that Courtney can't stand Ben and since when do they want the audience to think their Bachelor is a gullible fool who picks manipulative women with his dick? Prince Benjamin then gets up and races back and lays the rose at The queen's feet. Suck on that, Kacie B. Winning! Indeed. Charlie Sheen should slap her. I better shut up; she'll probably be dating him next week. Date over.

Code Red

Jennifer the Red finally gets let out of her cage as Ben comes to pick her up and Courtney lays the "friend card" down at her before she can even clear the door. Ben wants to see her adventurous side so he hauls her to a crater in the ground and gets her to dangle with him and fall into a pool inside the crater. Naturally, Jennifer is afraid of heights. There's something new. Anyway, they go rappelling and fall the last ten feet into some pretty water. Jennifer handles herself pretty well, so Ben kisses her. As night falls and rain does too, Ben takes her to a fire pit so they can get soaked. Jennifer speaks of a four and a half year relationship and how she walked away when he wouldn't marry her. Ben casts doubts since he's a slacking wine entrepreneur when she verifies she's an accountant and works 9 to 5. He tries to talk her out of wanting to date him. They run for it as the skies open up and then head over to a country music concert with Clay Walker while back at the house Courtney brags that she only hangs with guys. The hater club meets to dye Stoolie Emily's hair and Bi Monica (yes, she's still there) warns  Emily to shut her cake hole about Courtney to Ben, while Boom-Boom does Emily's hair so she'll look good when she gets diarrhea of the mouth and then wimps out. Back at the concert, Ben pretty much tells Jennifer he was going to dump her when they headed out, but now, since he has several women left he likes less than her, she can stay. As long as she dances with him in front of Clay Walker so he can keep up the outdoorsy country guy vibe. Date over.

And You Thought Ben Had No Balls…

Time for some cocktail party cattiness from yesteryear…or at least, it might as well have been. It's time for someone to warn Prince Gullible that the woman he is wooing as his future queen is a total bitch. Haven't seen this in…a season. Anyway, Ben makes the rounds while Emily winds herself up tighter and tighter until she gets Ben alone and pops. Ben tries to get her to shut up, but she can't contain herself, and tries to rat Courtney out. Ben basically tells her to shut up or he's gonna' jettison her. Emily wanders away and gets even dumber; she blows her mouth off in front of Courtney's only apparent friend in the house, Casey S. (now we see why she was allowed to speak.) Casey argues with her and then runs straight to Courtney, who for once is justified in her threats, cursing, and confrontational rudeness. Emily, confronted by Courtney tries to lie her way out of it. Boy, for someone closing in on a P.H.D. from a prestigious university, this chick is as dumb as a brick. Now that's she's immolated herself, Courtney gives her another "winning! I got a rose and you don't!" as she flounces away and Emily bawls that she can't stand confrontation. Then why did you start one, dummy? Finally, Nicki stops narrating and gets some time alone with Ben and they stand in the snow on the balcony and catch flakes all over themselves. As Emily finishes her wimpy meltdown, Harrison enters right on cue tinging his champagne glass with his cheese knife.

Roses:
Ben wanders in and give them some canned BS and gets to it.
Already safe: Jennifer the Red, Chain Smokin' Rachel, and Queen Courtney.
1) Lindzi the Misspelled: Little to do this week.
2) Nurse Jamie: Good god; I like you and even I don't know who you are.
3) Nicki the Narrator: finally got a few seconds with Ben that we were allowed to see. What that means? Hell if I know.
4) Kacie B.--the "B" stands for deep in the Bachelor BUBBLE.
5) Elyse, the Fitness Nazi: Sorry sweetie; I'd change your nickname if I knew anything else about you besides you made Ben do pushups. Good luck living down that horrible screech.
6) Boom-Boom Blakely: now doing the other women's hair before cocktail parties? Michelle Money edit anyone?
7) Casey S.--rewarded for ratting out Emily to the queen.
Harrison wanders in smirking,"Ben; ladies; this is the last rose of the evening. I'm going to rip the seal off a 25 year-old bottle of single malt and go at it till dawn. When you're ready…"
8) Dr. Emily--boo. Rewarded for being a wimp, but she's like a gutshot deer now: she may run a ways, but she'll fall soon enough.

Dumped: Bi Monica. Bawls like crazy on the way out and looks more like the Joker than ever when she cries. Hopefully, she got Blakely's number.

Next week: Ben gets nekkid with the queen. See ya then!











2 comments:

AbbyRose said...

"Nurse Jamie: Good god; I like you and even I don't know who you are."

Okay, since you ruined all women for your comments on knights in shining armor and cowboys, let me tell you that nurse fantasies are just that .... fantasies. They have large needles, razors to shave "that area" and do not wear cute little nursie outfits that come from costume shops. :D Hee hee!

Just think, instead of wasting 2 hours watching this nonsense I can just read your hilarious recap during my lunch hour. Thank you Captain for all the giggles!

Anonymous said...

Could Ben be a bigger douchetard??? I think not. I hope the girls enjoy their free vacations and go home to meet some nice men with more than one brain cell. Thanks for making a painfully boring show funny and interesting to read about.