Tuesday, January 3, 2012

1/2/2012--Enter Stormhorse

The Evolution of a Man?
Greeting, matey's! It's time again for the seasonal fungus known as the Bachelor. This time, your Captain will be riding shotgun on the antics of "vino" Ben Flajnik, who got kneed in the teeth last season by Bachelorette, Ashley Hebert when he tried to propose to her, and threw a royal shift about it too; endearing him to millions...or at least to the producers of this crap.

But this season, my friends, ABC promos and the Mouth of Sauron himself, Chris "Wingman" Harrison, have been lauding Ben's journey as the evolution of a man, from insular party boy to all grown up and deeply sensitive Renaissance Man. Ok. So this is what they want us to keep our eyes on, eh?  Gotcha and Check. I'm all over it. But is this the true story? Hmmm. Let's see what Ben has to say about that.

Yeah, pretty cool stuff. Our boy Stormhorse is out to relieve those nagging Cream Dreams with the help of "more females". But this was before, you see, before he had Evolved, or Envolved, whatever. Now he tills the soil, producing the vintage of the gods, seeking a sole woman to share a lifetime of winemaking with him...or not. The previews hold a clue and they say...Ben is a walking hormone. The previews have focused on Ben swimming naked and going wild. But is this true? Did Ben play the old Bachelor game of "hottest one wins" or did he embark on a journey to find true and lasting love while he navel gazes his way around his vineyard aching for the moment when he can head home to Mrs. Right? Ha! You ARE joking; this is the Bachelor and Stormhorse lives! Cool! Turning the pirate ship into the wind and coming alongside with cannons roaring, let's get to it. 

A Renaissance Stormhorse

I was just settling into my seat with a glass of wine when out from game show cancellation hell pops the Wingman, sashaying across the spritzed down driveway dressed like a limo driver and shouting out his dramatic hyperbole.Harrison, ever the master of historical revisionism, happily informs us that getting down on a knee and being nationally humiliated has turned out to be just what the doctor ordered for Ben. As a matter of fact, he was so convincing I asked my wife to divorce me. 

After I'd ducked the frying pan, I looked up to see a limo arrive and out pops Ben, looking so much like a Harrison clone I thought he was driving it instead of riding in the back. What was with the black suit-white oxford-black tie get up? They both looked like they were about to join Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones and go hunt some aliens. Fortunately, Ben is still sporting his Moe Howard haircut so I could tell them apart. But unfortunately for him, the haircut matched with that suit made him look like he was about to audition to be the new lead singer for The Knack instead of being the Bachelor. 

Regardless, they have one of their staged, highly scripted powwows where Ben says all the right things and might mean half of them. They also offered a preview of the women, but we're about to get both barrels of these honeys, and a crazier, more drunken, sack of cats this show has never cast before. So without further ado, let's follow Ben out and see what we got. 

*The Playas:

1) Nicki the Narrator: the only divorced woman in the cast. A dental hygienist from Texas,she came across as sexy and sane...drunk too, but I pick nits. If this one doesn't lose her mind, she goes far. Narrated most of the episode despite being hammered for much of it. Gotta' like a babe who can hold her schnapps. 

2) Kacie: Sweetie Pie: Tennessee gal who was sweet, sane, and beautiful. Sober too. One of the only ones who wasn't plastered the entire night. This one will be a fan favorite.

3) Boom Boom Blakely: a former Hooters girl whose nasty pics are all over the net. Was more mannish-looking that I was expecting, but she was still damned attractive. I'm assuming Stormhorse agrees. One of the other gals did anyway. (more on that in a minute) 

4) Jennifer the Red: the sole redhead in the cast with striking blue eyes. An accountant who hit Ben up with a numbers game at the intro, and was looking hot, sober, and sweet. Might be another fan favorite.

5) Chain Smokin' Rachel. Hottie with a family pedigree in Reality TV, but was sportin' a voice like she huffs Camels like candy. Got too involved with the silly drama blossoming all around her, but came off as sweet and helpful instead of rattlesnake mean, like many. 

6) Dr. Emily: some cutesy blond who is on the cusp of being an Epidemiologist. Got a little slurry and was mean at times, but cute and obviously confused. What the hell is a P.H.D. doing on THIS show?

7) Lindzi the Misspelled: came riding in on a horse and netted the First Impression Rose. Older-looking than her age too. Not much my type, but she sure looked like she was Ben's; he spent a good portion of his evening drooling on her.

8) Courtney the Sharktress: Oh man, here comes trouble. Striking model who thinks she’s even prettier than she is, but not half as hot as 'ol Stormhorse seemed to think she was. Looked great as long as she is made up like a model girl,but without make-up? Eh. Also has that thin, waif-like look that fashion magazine editors love, but is bony and has a set of NFL linebacker shoulders. It made her look like a preying mantis with a giant head. But Ben looked ready to Cream Dream in his pantaloons at the sight of her. She's been everywhere in the previews and is consistently being portrayed as a self-involved bitch too. Definitely this seasons bad girl. She will go far on hotness alone, unless Ben really is a an evolved man and not a horny Stormhorse. Bets?

Anyway, that's my top group. The rest? Time will tell. 
Once Ben gets the indoors, the insanity ramps up quickly, and the booze flows instantly. Before Ben can even get inside the Fleiss Diet is clearly working. Nothing like combining no food with hours of alcohol. Add to that with a little mental illness and you have the Bachelor. 

Chain smokin' Rachel is up first and she orders Ben outside to tell him she lost her job by taking too many smoke breaks or something. Narrator Nicki hits him up next with some of her Texas charm but she passes on the divorce news...then goes and gets tanked.Lindzi the Misspelled gets her crack and it's soon apparent she and Rachel are going to be hanging out around the pool with some Chesterfields. Wow, rough voice number 2. But she does share a few decent moments with Ben regardless. 

Now it's time for some absurdity. Turns out one of the girls was too terrified to talk to Ben on her own and brought along her granny, Sheryl, to do her talking for her. Granny Panty Brittney skulks in the corner while grandma attempts to hook her up with Ben. He clearly liked grandma Sheryl, but Brittney? Eh, not feeling it. But it gives Brittney a chance to whine how much she wants the First Impression Rose. 

Right on cue, like Jeeves the Pimp, here comes Harrison with the first rose on a silver platter. The Wingman drops the flower on the table and Ben cringes in the corner. It was liking firing a starter pistol at the insane asylum. Soon the room is alight with Stupid Human Tricks; dumb hats, cocktail dress soccer, and needless push-up performances abound. One also ran crams candies into his mouth. This was supposed to prove something? Even worse, ultra white girl, Dr. Emily decides to show just how Gangsta' her white ass is by rapping about diseases or something. Damn, go back to the soccer match. 

Just as I'm dreaming of hitting the mute button, here comes Courtney the Sharktress, burying her arrogant and abrasive attitude a moment to charm Ben. "I'm just nice, normal..." uh-huh.He drools into his own lap while they talk and it's pretty obvious some wine guy is gonna have some major Cream Dreams this night. But before the Creamer can yank his crank, it's time to go nuts. 

Jenna, the Insane Blogger, who's been desperately trying to hold herself together since the moment we first saw her, starts to come apart at the seams. She gets hammered and decides to take on Bi Monica in a "You're here for the wrong reasons" contest. Monica, who is bombed and mean as a barracuda, quickly realizes she has a psycho on her hands and goes out of her way to torment Jenna a little. It doesn't take much as Jenna spirals downward and stays that way for the rest of the night. She cries, slurs, and the thin layer of glue that's been holding her together melts completely. The next 45 minutes of the show consists of Chain Smokin' Rachel chasing Jenna around trying to keep her from blowing up. Monica, who had told Jenna to go drop dead, is finally conned by Rachel to have a peace making session with El nutso. Jenna, trembling and holding on to her facade of sanity finally makes her way into the psycho top 10 by launching this winner: "Maybe we could share a tampon?" WTF?

Monica taps into Jenna's insane karma and decides to get trashed and try to pick up Boom Boom Blakely. This chick is from Utah? Wow, I'm starting to think that Fleiss is on a personal crusade against this state. Monica, acting like the only openly bi-sexual woman in Salt Lake City, practically makes out with Boom Boom on the sofa. Suffice it to say, the Hooters girl didn't exactly run away in terror either. They wrestle around on the couch as kidnapped husbands all over America stand and applaud Mike Fleiss for finally showing something they want to see. 

The camera loses focus on Jenna just long enough for us to see Nurse Jamie, looking and acting nice. This gal had a sad story of parental abandonment and raising her younger siblings while still getting a nursing degree. What a damn shame we couldn't focus on her or single mom Shawn a while instead. Losing both sobriety and sanity, Jenna heads into the bathroom to have a long, sobbing cryfest with what I'm forced to assume was a commode. Hey, I know! Maybe that Masked dude from last season was still skulking around the mansion crappers and was in there listening to her. If he was, we can stop worrying about him ever bothering us again. He would have drowned himself in the toilet after listening to that. Good work Fleiss; did you find this gal on a nut farm? Nauseating. 

Ben finally ambles in and gets the rose while the editors try and make it look like he's going to interrupt Jenna and the Mask in the toilet to give it to her. But he speeds on past the bathroom to give the flower to Lindzi the Misspelled. The second he festoons her, in comes with the Wingman with his champagne glass and cheese knife and clears the room like Godzilla farted in there.

Dump 'Em Danno!

Once Harrison lines em up and Ben goes into his wine cellar to deliberate, we come back to see them all lined up waiting for Jenna to finish off the Mask and join the party. 

1) Holly and her dumb hat
2) Amber T. and her tiger dress
3) Amber Bacon and her dumb name
4) Lyndsie and her dumb everything
5) Shira the ancient skeletor
6) Anna the silent Snowball. 

Ok, one down. Next week it's off to Sonoma so Bens family can look down on all the women. 

See ya then 


The Girl In The Red Heels said...

HA HA! Loved it :)


AbbyRose said...

Not watching the show (YES! I am cured!) but had to stop by my lunch hour and read your recap. Love the pictures! Keep up the great work Captain.